What to do when you lose multiple friends

When someone loses multiple friends, they need to dig deep and figure out why.

QUESTION

Hi,

I’ve been experiencing probably the worst time of my high school life so far. I’ve basically lost the people who I thought were my closest friends.

This all started when my closest friend and I got into a fight that ended our friendship for good since we’ve always been off and on. I let it go because I realized our friendship was toxic and I didn’t deserve the way she treated me. I was still thankful to have some of my other close friends until they began to act differently towards me and began to hang out with other friends at lunch.

I’ve come to find out that they didn’t leave me because of my closest friend but because of their own reasons. I haven’t quite figured out what I’ve done for them to do this to me, because I’ve always tried treating them right. I was the only one there for them when they had no one.

They never say anything directly to me but do things over social media that they know will upset me, subtweet me (mentioned something about me without using my name) and talk behind my back.

I feel stuck as to whether I should do something back to piss them off, talk to them, or continue to ignore it and let them ruin school and life for me. Help?

Signed, Allie

ANSWER

Hi Allie,

I’m glad you wrote.

You say you feel unsure as to whether you should retaliate against your friends or let them ruin your live. I think you know I’m not going to advocate escalating the negative interactions between you and your friends. Throughout life, you will meet people who think they need to have the last word. You can end the discussion and be a bigger person by allowing them to have it. When you fight back and forth, the situation can go downhill fast.

The alternative to refraining from striking back isn’t to struggle for your remaining high school days in misery. Try not to let these comments bother you. I am by no means suggesting truly ignoring the negativity is easy. It’s not. You could block these former friends on social media although I know that not knowing what they are saying can be very difficult. Ask yourself how you benefit from reading these comments? How would blocking them help or hurt you?

You’ve lost your friends for different reasons. Examining why can only help you understand yourself, and how you develop and maintain friendships even better. When a friendship ends, doing an autopsy can be beneficial.

Look at the different reasons your former friends gave you. Are there patterns? If a situation happens once, it can be random but repeated conflicts with different people with a similar theme can suggest that you are the common denominator. In a way, this is positive because with this insight, you can make positive changes.

Friendship Autopsy Questions 

Are you choosing certain types of friends whose personalities don’t mesh well with yours?

Do you repeat certain behaviors that tend to cause conflict (gossiping, being quick to anger, getting jealousy, etc.)?  If so, how can you alter your actions?

Are you attracted to drama? If so, why and how can you learn to be happy with calmer behavior patterns?

Examining yourself helps you grow, as long as you don’t use it to beat yourself up or feel bad about yourself. Relationships are complicated and they take a lot of skill to navigate even for adults. You will improve these skills and your communication skills with practice for the rest of your life.

In the meantime, try to make some new acquaintances. Be friendly and smile. Make small talk with your classmates because this shows you’re interested and approachable. You might want to try joining different in or out of school activities, volunteering or getting a part-time job after school to meet new people.

You seem like a thoughtful, kind young woman. I believe things will get better for you, and you will find and develop healthier friendships.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

Tags: friendship autopsy, high school, losing friends, losing multiple friends, teen

Category: OTHER ADVICE