• Other Friendship Advice

Just friends or more than friends?

Published: April 12, 2012 | Last Updated: May 14, 2020 By | 2 Replies Continue Reading


Hi Irene,

After a night of drinking on two different occasions, a very close friend and I ended up having a lesbian affair two times. This was a not a casual friendship but a close friendship of three years.

We tried to discuss what happened but didn’t make much progress.  All my friend would say is, “I do not want you to think I have a girl crush on you” and “I was so confused by the situation and my feelings, I was not able to accurately convey my own feelings.”

So the friendship ended after much frustration, I believe on both our parts. It has been over a year since any contact, and I am wondering if the friendship
can be restored? My husband thinks it was her intention all along for the affair to happen…she always said a lot of sexually-based compliments and that
she had no real interest in being best friends.

I miss her. Any thoughts??

Signed, Cindy


Dear Cindy,

This friendship sounds rather complicated and I’m not clear why you want to rekindle it—-after what you describe as a frustrating and unsettling experience, and given the length of time that has elapsed since you last had contact.

It sounds like your friend was interested in being more than friends. Although you are married, you gave her reason to believe you were interested, too—not once but twice.

You need to come to terms with your own desires and motivations before you decide whether to broach the subject with your friend. What is it that you miss about her and is she the best person to fill that need? Where does your husband stand in all this?

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

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Comments (2)

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  1. Irene says:

    Sounds like your ruminating about this dilemma is really leading to some insight. It might be a good time to talk to a professional to give you some communication tools—for this situation and others, especially given your history of abuse.

    Warm regards, Irene 

  2. Anonymous says:

    Gosh Irene..I have re-read your reply over and over, and had a real ‘light bulb’ moment….I think I want the impossible, I want to turn back time and have those sexual encounters to have never happened…and the subsquent conversations that followed to be completely forgotten…I miss our friendship and have a real sadness that i will never have that close of a friendship again…As strange as this sounds, I feel like my sexual abuse as child reared it head in this situation…intimacy has always been confusing, and conditional for me…But too much time has past, and I think she feels a completely diiferent set of emotions..and neither of us probably have the communication skills to move forward..my hope is that time may press the re-set button.

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