Is it normal to be more interested in girlfriends than guys?

Published: October 26, 2011 | Last Updated: October 26, 2011 By | 5 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

Hi Irene, 

I just stumbled upon this blog today. I
want to know whether it’s normal to care more about your girl friends than
finding a guy. I’m 25, never had a boyfriend, and simply don’t care about
having one (And no, I’m not a lesbian; I’ve always been straight).

 

I mean, it would be nice to have
romance in my life, but my relationships with my female friends are way more
important to me. I have a group of five friends, and I feel like our friendship
is a sine function graph: there are times when we get together often, and then
there are lonely periods, when I don’t see them in a long time. Then I start to
wonder whether they still like me.

 

I didn’t have friends until the end of
high school, so maybe that’s why they are so important to me. I looked at
people talking and laughing in their group of friends, not even daring to hope
that this would be me someday. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of what having
a social life is like, I feel like I just *can’t* go back.


So what do I do during those lonely periods? I want to learn to keep my spirits
up because the last thing I need is for my friends to think I’m needy. If
possible, I’d like to avoid those periods altogether, but that’s pretty tricky
in this busy world of ours. Sorry this was so long and rambling; hope it made sense.


Signed, Lydia

 

ANSWER

Hi Lydia,

There are vast individual differences
in terms of people’s needs for friendship with members of the same sex and the opposite sex. It sounds like you were a late bloomer socially who is just
getting involved with female friends but I have no reason to believe you’re not
"normal," at least on this dimension.

 

Since you had no friends until the end
of high school, I would guess that you are probably somewhat shy and reserved
by nature. You say that you always had the sense that you were on the outside
of the crowd looking in.

 

I don’t know whether you are still a
student or not but as young people leave high school, their lives become more
complex as they take on additional responsibilities in terms of work, school or
family obligations. Friends are less likely to be at the same place at the same
time so getting together  — especially with
a group of friends — often takes more work.

 

If your friends aren’t always
available, continue to make a new friend or two using the same skills you honed
in high school. Also bear in mind that you can’t make up for lost time and that
you need to feel comfortable being alone, too. Finally, there’s no rush in
looking for romance if it isn’t something that is important to you right now.

Hope this reassures you!

Best, Irene

 

 

 

 

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Comments (5)

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m a female in my late 30s and I’m single. I value my girl friendships tremendously. I don’t really have any close guy friends. I had a short-term boyfriend about five years ago but that’s it. I’ve gone on dates but nothing’s lasted. If I meet a fellow who I want to get to know as much as my girlfriends, I will gladly do so but until then, I value the close relationships I have with my girlfriends very much! I should add that my girlfriends range from single to married with children. So, there’s nothing wrong with being single and more interested in girlfriends than guy friends. All the best.

  2. Anonymous says:

    There’s nothing wrong with being 25, female, having friends and being single. As long as you are content with life and happy with the people around you, that’s all that should matter. People are getting married much later in life and not everyone is going to be married by their early to mid 20s. The OP sounds like a late bloomer and there is nothing wrong with that. (I’m a late bloomer myself!) I’ve seen people (and have friends) who thought they had to be in a relationship right away. Let’s just say it did not end well. (Desperation is not attractive…) Likewise, I know a lot of couples who did marry young and are now having problems as they reach their mid to late 20s. (Some also have children as well, so it’s not pretty.) To sum up, there’s nothing wrong with being single and enjoying spending time with friends. It might be helpful for the OP to volunteer, join a bookclub, or join some other social activity in order to meet new people in case her main group of friends are busy or unavailable. Other than that, there’s nothing to worry about.

  3. Anonymous says:

    i would disagree with your statement , “sign of immaturity” – and although i know that one person’s experience does nothing to change an opinion – i would like the original poster to know that not one feels that this is a sign of immaturity.

    Your statement that “most people get married in their 20s” is just not true, especially in this day in age. Most of the people i know in their 20s are not married – and those that i do know that are married didnt tie the knot until early 30s – im pretty confident in saying its a sign of the times.

    I would also like to point out that just this weekend, i had two friends break-up with long term boyfriends – one of which was a situation in which he was cheating on her. Anyone who says there is more loyalty in a relationship than between friends – think about the fact that it was us, my friend’s group of close personal friends, that sat up with her all night, comforting her and it is us that will get her through this difficult time. My other friend in question had a boyfriend dump her solely because he didnt want to move across the country (she got a job offer in Seatle) – i can tell you, WITHOUT DOUBT, that we will stick by her despite the miles between us, unlike her boyfriend. I have many friends move on, for many different reasons, and i am as close to them now as i ever was.

    So, OP, no, you are not alone. Friendship is just as strong and important as any relationship you will find yourself in – in fact, i think it is MORE important (and i fully understand that this is my opinion alone)

    Thanks.

  4. arches says:

    I disagree here on this one. Most people get married in their 20s and I don’t see why you can’t have both girlfriends and guy friends? Just because you spend alot of time with your girlfriends doesn’t mean you should exclude or not date guys; nor does it mean if your dating someone you can’t have your girlfriends. If you read any of the comments on this website, there have been numerous back-stabbings from female friends’ aka “mean girls” and there really isn’t any loyalty in the final analysis. What if you move out of state to pursue your career? I doubt those friends would stick with you in the same way. Some people choose to build their life with a life partner that will be there no matter what life throws at you.

  5. Anonymous says:

    You are SO not alone in feeling like this. In fact, everything you wrote could have been written by myself. I have the same feelings of not necessarily needing/wanting a boyfriend right now, and also of being scared my friends will see me as needy because i am so dependant on them.

    I am also 25 and have never had a boyfriend, and my friends are my life. So much to the point that I do, on occasion, feel a little jealous that they are moving on and getting boyfriends of their own…not because i want one for myself, but becuase that means i see less of them – which is also when i feel lonely, like you mentioned.

    It took me a while to get out of the rut i was in…i was feeling down constantly and wasnt sure if i would ever feel truly happy again (even when i was with my friends, i still felt lonely – i always had this fear in the back of my mind that they were going to move on without me and i would lose them due to my neediness/dependancy).

    However, there is hope. I actually talked to one of my friends about how i was feeling, and not only did she convince me that she wasnt going anywhere (boyfriend in her life or not), she also gave me the confidence i needed in order to not feel so lonely and scared all the time. The confidence that my friends gave me is allowing me to put myself out there a little more. Giving me the confidence to realize i can meet new people, but still have the old ones to fall back on (with less dependancy).

    I truly hope that you are able to find the that confidence i did. Please don’t feel like you are abnormal. I guarantee there are a lot of other people like us out there.

    Good luck!

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