Not Invited To The Party: Could It Be A Misunderstanding?
If you were not invited to the party and don’t know the reason why, you might want to ask.
QUESTION
Hi,
I am feeling rather heartbroken after finding out that my best-friend-since-I-was-eleven who lives in another city is having a 30th birthday party this weekend and I was not invited to the party.
Last year, she flew up to my city for my 30th. She was also one of my bridesmaids. We have not had any falling outs, and I am unsure why, at this point in our lives, she would be pulling away from me.
Our other friend who lives in the same city as me has been invited, and is going, which is how I found out about it: She asked me this evening if I would like to send the birthday present for her to take with her when she attends.
I had emailed my friend this week and asked if she was having a party. I haven’t received any response.
My question is what should I do? Should I contact her and let her know that I would have loved to come and celebrate with her? I am quite baffled by this situation and, while I hate to lose such a dear friend, I don’t want to pursue this issue if she is not, perhaps, the close friend that I believed her to be? Please help!
Signed, Elyse
ANSWER
Hi Elyse,
Gosh, this must have felt like a punch in the gut. And you did absolutely the right thing by asking. For your friend not to respond at all is rude but is there any possibility that your message got lost in cyberspace?
Wouldn’t your friend have told your mutual friend not to say anything since you were not invited to the party?
If you can’t clear this up before, I would wait until after the party before you reach out again. Perhaps you’ll gain some “intelligence” from your mutual friend who is attending.
As you suggest, in a month or so, you could write to let your friend know she is an important person in your life and that you felt hurt that you were not invited to the party to help her celebrate her special day. In that way, you will know you did whatever you could to continue the friendship.
As it stands, something’s just not adding up. Will you let us know the outcome?
Best, Irene
Also on The Friendship Blog:
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS, Legacy friendships
I have had both friends and people newly met who would talk about hosting a party every time I saw them – but of course never invite me.
Is it bad social etiquette to constantly talk about hosting a party in front of someone who is not invited.
Definitely.
On the other hand, these individuals who are always talking about hosting parties do things that are against the law – like heroin, meth, flakka and the like at their parties.
Frankly I do not think I am missing a thing.
I would love to hear from someone that has done this, someone that has left out a friend, didn’t invite them to a party, the beach, etc. This post is all about people that have been left out. I would love to hear from the other side. Why would friends do something and leave one out? It has to be malicious, I can’t imagine them forgetting to invite someone that they just saw at school or went to their home. It’s malicious girl stuff. It’s mean and borderline bullying. It’s even worse in this day and age because it’s all posted on social media, as you sit at home, uninvited. My advice is to ask the person why they didn’t invite you, hold their actions accountable, ask how they would feel if you invited the same group and didn’t invite them. Make them aware of what they are doing, although I’d be shocked if they didn’t already realize how cruel their actions were. That’s what confuses me, could someone really be that insensitive to not know how their actions affect others? It is hard because if you get mad, then you lose an entire group of friends, but are they really friends anyhow?? I know junior high and high school are hard, with mean girls and cliques. College is better with inclusion. Just try to stay focused on good, make time to take care of yourself, do a Bible study, journal, go to church, try to find friends that will include and encourage you, even if they aren’t the most popular. Many of the popular kids peak in high school. Focus on good, be kind and have courage 🙂
“I would love to hear from the other side. Why would friends do something and leave one out? ”
Probably because THEY felt they were left out of another situation. My wife and I had this conflict within our family.
My sister has several adult children, with kids of their own. I choose not to open my home for a big whoop-dee-doo because the two of us were excluded over the years from many family functions.
“Oh, we thought about you, we didn’t know you were available.”
“Well, you have to understand, it was a small wedding.”
“We don’t have room for you, but can you bring Mom and Dad over?”
In time, we came to learn that the only times we were invited if the event involved a financial contribution, purchasing a gift, or that they needed someone to run errands.
In fact, at one of their kids’ weddings, we went to the rehearsal reception on a Friday – and instead of staying in a hotel that night near the wedding, drove the 30 miles home and came back the next afternoon for the wedding – knowing that we would be used as errand-boy and errand-girl if we went early.
So no explanations are needed but let it be said, my wife and I have learned to go on with our lives and not worry about things.
We’ve been rejected often enough to know that we should be concerned with what we want to do, and not run our lives around other people.
Hello, today my bff and I had a small fight.. Then she came downstairs, and said “[Personal!] is having a party, I’m going and you’re not invited” Like!, we had this convo about when someone is having a party she has to tell me. In the end I am the one who is always hurt [Crying in bed..}
Hi,
I was looking through instagram and saw that my really close friend had a new years eve party and I was not invited. She had posted pictures tagging all my friends I go to school with and none of them told me. What hurt me even more was that I had asked her to do sever
Sorry, my box got full. I asked her to do several things with me that day and she just told me she was out with her dad. I need advice before I Get back from break. Thank you!
The same thing happened to me! I’m worried she’s trying to end our friendship AND kick me out of our friend group
my friends having a party in a couple days theres gonna be 300 people going she originally invited me last month but she doesn’t want me to come anymore because she doesn’t want me being around some people (because theres gonna be drugs and alcohol,and she’s a protective friend) and she never un invited me but we both know she doesn’t want me to go so I’m caught in the middle and i feel offended because 1 of my other friends are going and they barely know her.Me and my friend(the one who’s having the party) are really close anyway and i know she’s just tryna “protect’ me but i feel hurt because i was so excited for her party and i dunno what to do anyway so anybody know what to do help me 🙁
This situation doesn’t have to be that complicated, so don’t worry!
At least you know that your more wild friend has informed you that this party will have no surprises; it’s going to be wild and have drinking and drugs, and probably some other sketchy characters. No matter her motive, you should appreciate the warning your friend has given you and her honesty. It seems like she cares about your safety, so that also is a sign of a good friend.
I too am not a ‘bad girl’ but I have friends that are. I understand that you don’t want to upset your friend, but ultimately you define your own comfort zone, not her. If you want to go because you want to have fun, and not necessarily do bad things, then don’t let your friend talk you out of it. And if you really don’t feel comfortable going to this party, then I would let your friend know that it was because you didn’t want to go, not because of her warning.
Also, remember to always stay safe and don’t do anything illegal. If your friend doesn’t always do that, maybe you could do her a solid like the warning she did for you. Just tell her that you care about her and don’t want to see her get hurt.
Sadly this happens, it can be a misunderstanding, the person not really understanding how hurtful this can be, and hurt for such a long time. When this happens you begin to sift through all the interactions you’ve shared with that friend, wondering how could it have happened, did you offend them, in the past have you discluded them? This may be them culling you from their clique; you don’t belong in their crowd, they may feel they are more sophisticated, their social and financial standing above you. Again, sadly this happens. I remember I wasn’t invited to a dinner part given by a work colleague (who became a friend). She was very upfront. She came to my office and said she was having a dinner party, and because I did not have a partner (at the time) she hadn’t invited me as the other invitees would all be couples. Surprisingly, I was surprised but did not harbour any bad feelings. In retropect I admired her courage to tell me straight up, although I did hear she went on to divorce twice in the years followings. Sometimes you will never know why – better to let it go and start meeting new people, people who have the same qualities as yourself and that you can admire.
Thanks for your reply 🙂 Much appreciated and comforting as all though it was quite a few weeks ago now and I am more or less recovered, I do still wonder at what kind of friend she is to me – we have known each other since we were 12 and she should know me by now! I don’t take these things lightly and don’t just laugh them off! Being excluded by a good friend hurts me (yes she’s been to all my parties and I have arranged coffee meet ups with her), so you’re probably right; this is her saying I have been “demoted” and I finally accept (for my own sanity) and have now moved on. Thanks, I do look forward to making new friends with whom I can share similar qualities and can admire 🙂
I am very upset. One of my close friends is having a birthday party and they were all talking about it right in front of me. When I asked if I was invited she started making up excuses and that got me really upset. I asked her if we were still friends and she said we were. I was very confused as to why she didn’t invite me so I asked her and she said she doesn’t know because of the number of people. I was shocked because she decided to pick the boys and people she rarely talks to over me. I don’t know what to do because I am very sensitive and have been crying over this. I have no friends now and walk around alone at school. No one wants to talk to me. This party situation happened before that occurred though. I don’t know what to do cause I’m going to miss out on all the fun. Everyone will be talking about it and I’ll just be standing there cause I’m unwanted. What should I do??
Well, I’m in a similar situation. My “close friend” for two years is having a birthday party as I speak and you can guess who wasn’t invited. I just don’t get it. He treats me like a friend (mostly) yet deceives me, or tries. For example, I only knew about this party because I overheard him inviting a mutual friend. We had been talking for an hour, but he waited until he thought I was out of earshot to tell our mutual friend. Later i casually asked him alone his plans for the weekend. He changed the subject. I’m just disgusted. Today, we were talking, and someone brought up the subject of being busy with parties. And my “friend” boasted that he had 3 parties to go to.another guy told him what he was going to get him for his birthday. I remained there for a minute or so, guaging their decency. They had none. I left. I doubt they cared.and lately this guy has been acting condescending. I noticed any time I propose something, he opposes it. Immediately. Even if everyone knows I’m correct, he argues for the contrary. It doesn’t happen with others. This isn’t the first time he kept things from me or been condescending. Over summer, I must have asked him a thousand times what he was up to. Nothing much was the reply. The first day of school, I find he has created a school club with other friends and holds an officer position in it. And just before one of their meetings, I asked him where he was going. “Official business” he said, in the most arrogant tone. I want to just dump this idiot, but I suspect that these are the people who will succeed in life. This guy, and our mutual friends are the future leaders. And being in a small school, my choice for potential friends is limited. I’m a nice person, and I don’t understand why my friends are few and far apart. But then again, nice guys finish last? Please help.
Hi,
I am feeling quite upset and confused as I was not invited out for a good friends birthday party! We have been good friends for a long time and I have had her to all my birthday parties and reunions! I found out that their had been a party that I didn’t know about through Facebook via some nice photos. I was immediately overwhelmed by sadness and rejection and confusion. Had all my close friends thought best not be honest or open?!
I had had her over to my house for tea with another friend the day before her party but neither of them mentioned she was having a party the following evening. Now I know they weren’t being open with me and I feel even more hurt by that. Another very good friend said she was attending a “dinner” but was not clear and gave no exact details about it being my friends’ party!
Because I was mainly upset about not being invited, I decided to ask the birthday girl straight up why I hadn’t been invited to celebrate with her; she became quite defensive and gave me a number of excuses – she didn’t think it was “my scene to be honest” and she didn’t know I was going to be in the country despite the fact she was at my house the day before and she bluntly stated that “I shoudn’t question her”. And why all the secretiveness and lack of communication?
I feel hurt she didn’t want me to celebrate with her! I thought we were friends? What should I do? She is not speaking to me.
Hi,
I am feeling quite upset and confused as I was not invited out for a good friends birthday party! We have been good friends for a long time and I have had her to all my birthday parties and reunions! I found out that their had been a party that I didn’t know about through Facebook via some nice photos. I was immediately overwhelmed by sadness and rejection and confusion. Had all my close friends thought best not be honest or open?!
I had had her over to my house for tea with another friend the day before her party but neither of them mentioned she was having a party the following evening. Now I know they weren’t being open with me and I feel even more hurt by that. Another very good friend said she was attending a “dinner” but was not clear and gave no exact details about it being my friends’ party!
Because I was mainly upset about not being invited, I decided to ask the birthday girl straight up why I hadn’t been invited to celebrate with her; she became quite defensive and gave me a number of excuses – she didn’t think it was “my scene to be honest” and she didn’t know I was going to be in the country despite the fact she was at my house the day before and she bluntly stated that “I shoudn’t question her”. And why all the secretiveness and lack of communication?
I feel hurt she didn’t want me to celebrate with her! I thought we were friends? What should I do? She is not speaking to me.
Hello everyone, so I just finished my first year in college and I’ve been really close to some of my friends who are still in high school. One of them, I’ll call her Molly, is having a grad party that I wasn’t invited to. We all have a facebook group chat and I just feel so left out because they keep on talking about grad parties and I wasn’t invited to Molly’s. I wasn’t that close to Molly when I graduated last year so I didn’t invite her to my party, but she knew I was having one. Over these past months though, we’ve grown pretty close, but I’m surprised that she didn’t invite me to hers. I’m guessing it’s because of what I did last year, but like I said, we weren’t even friends last year (just acquaintances). I feel really sad about it, knowing that everyone is gonna be having fun that day. Should I even bring it up?
Hi Isabel
I typed out a whole reply and it disapeared but I will try to sum it up.
There are a multitude number of reasons she didn’t invite you.
A possible head count limit put on by her parents? A list of girls to invite made from a school list and she hadn’t realized you arnt on it. Or she could be holding a grudge and getting you back.
It’s a shame you didn’t bring this up to her in the past month that you feel bad you didn’t know her well enuf to invite her and you’re glad she’s has become a closer fridnd. But you didn’t so the base of this is that you could rack your brain forever and not know the answer. I think I would get her a card or gift and invite her to your house and the when the chance arises find out.By asking her Straight out.If she was doing it deliberately to hurt you then she is not worthy to be your friend but make sure she knows you didn’t nit invite her to hurt her either.
Good girl
I’m proud of you
keep your chin up you Will be finding more friends from college.
love lulu
Ps maybe for all you know you intimidate her by being the big college kid and she doesn’t think you’d want to come to her party.
you’ll never know till you ask.
just ask
Hi, I hope you have resolved your friendship but if not here is what I think since this happened to me.
Are you the friendly type and most of these girls that were invited like you? Then I think your friend has a jealousy problem and wants to make sure all the other gils like her too. If she did cut you out on purpose this is the only thing it could be… she thinks you are getting too close to all these girls and she wants to be the one who is liked. So stand back and watch because she is not your true friend if shes getting JELOUSELY like that. She may not have set out to hurt you but she feels youre a threat and wants the girls to like her as much or more than she sees them liking you. She is insecure and her tactics wont work. The other girls will eventually see right thru her and she will be left out. Its too bad jealousy and insecurities can ruin a friendship. Exactly what happened to mine. Just know you are the better person and you dont have a problem making friends. Stay true to yourself. Be the fun loving person you are and dint allow her to change you and make you bitter. Smile and go have fun. Others will want to be around you because you are genuine. Be your fun loving self and keep your chin up.
hi I was not invited to my friends party and all my friends were invited I really just feel left out. My friend told me about it because she did not know I was not invited and that just made me feel worse. What also mkaes me feel sad is that I know everyone is keeping the secret from me. EVERYONE at my lunch table (aka all my friends) were invited and that makes me feel like this person does not like me. Please reply very soon I need you help. Thanks
Hey cait, I think all your friends don’t like you. If they genuinely didn’t want you to feel bad and if that’s the reason why they aren’t telling you about the party, then that’s just stupid. Since your friends know that you are well aware of the party they should’ve talked to you about it and tried to make you feel better or tried to convince the friend who didn’t invite you to do so. They are all in on it. They regard you as pylon and thus are trying to get you away from the group. These aren’t your real friends. Move on.
Hi I’m not invited to my friend jades party but all the other girls are she is tuning 11 and keeps on talking about it what can I do I feel like crying I’m at school as well
Holly, I’m so sorry this happened and it has you upset. We all have times when we feel left out. Have you discussed this with your parents? When I was your age if something had me upset, I always felt better after I talked to my mom or dad. I bet talking to one of your parents would help you feel better, and they can give you some pointers on dealing with this at school.
My really close friend invited her friends to go to the beach and I wasn’t invited and I have no clue why. Iam really heartbroken and I want to do something that will make her feel the same way so she won’t do it again.
Listen, I feel the same way that you do I posted a comment earlier I found a way to resolve it, if you really feel your friend is not as close to you then maybe invite her to the beach just her for a friend day. See why she did not invite you to the beach. I know this makes you feel really left out but remember don’t let it get you down. Talk to her about this and figure something out. Something will work hopefully. She probaly has a reason for this or maybe, just maybe it was a mistake, I am sure she will understand. Good luck
Hi, I bet there’s a mix up in getting the invitation or maybe she just assumes you knew about it and of course youre invited. As long as youre sure there has been nothing that could have caused her to be mad at you… how bout you just go to the party anyway. Alot of people dont always read their e-mails. Is that the only way you two talk to each other? If not why not call her and feel it out…ask if she got your e-mail and if you were left out on purpose. I’d want to know… if she is mad …the worst that could happen is her hanging up but it sounds to me like theres a misunderstanding here somewhere and if not you deserve an explanation. For all you know it could be a surprise party for you. Im sure she wouldnt diss you and then throw it in your face by inviting a mutual friend unless she is a vindictive kind of person or one who wants to cause pain and only you know that. Be confident because you have done nothing wrong and if you did she should be mature enuf to let you know. Peace be with you. Go for it.
I know how you feel, except I am a lot younger, and still in school. My best friends party is this weekend and it is friday. She invited everyone except me. But she had given the invitations out at school, your friend was sending invitations, and the invitation could have gotten lost, or some other crazy reason. I have always been the one left out, and I know exactly how it feels. It hurts, depending on how close you were. My friend and I were best friends and I was her closes friend. You did the right thing and asked, My stupidity decided to just keep quiet and ignore her the rest of my life. I dont know what I will do, but you are definitely thought better than me. There must have been a misunderstanding or you just werent invited. You probably were though, good luck! (Even though your friends birthday is probably over)
Wow, that really stinks. It must hurt to not even get communication about what happened. Well, you did the right thing. YOu asked. Now the ball is in her court. I hope you get an answer sooner rather than later.
I agree with the other replies. BUT do not send a gift.
Facebook instant message her something to the effect of,
‘So, here I am, your lifelong friend, uninvited to a significant landmark birthday, wracking my brain wondering what I could possibly have done.’
Facebook will show you when she’s read it.
I agree this is very strange given your background with her and with no problems you know of. Your friend surely would expect the invited mutual friend in your town to tell you and that you’d wonder why you didn’t get invited. There are several ways to hint around “why wasn’t I invited” by asking party-related questions, but those could easily not answer your question. If you asked her in person, she could still not tell you, but that would be very awkward and obvious that she’s avoiding something.
Over the next several weeks, if she doesn’t respond to any message at all or just skirts around it, the only choices are to forget it or change your relationship towards her. It does hurt being left out like that.
I would agree with all the answers so far here. And I don’t blame you for being totally baffled and hurt. It’s certainly worth trying to find out what happened, if you want to preserve this friendship or at least find out what went wrong.
But I want to share something that happened to me last year. Some neighbors of ours threw a big high school grad party for their twins, but we didn’t get invited. Our families were close enough that it seemed odd. About 3 weeks later, the parents learned that nearly a dozen other people never got their invitations in the mail. We were among them — and I know they felt terrible about this. In fact, this year, the family told us personally to “save the date” for their youngest daughter’s grad party this summer.
So, maybe there was some kind of oversight or misunderstanding in terms of your friend’s party invitation? If she doesn’t respond to your email, you’d be wise, as Irene suggests, to bring up the topic a month later, after the party is over and you and your friend can focus on what happened between the two of you (if anything).
I know how much being left out can hurt, especially with such a close friend. I agree that asking was a good, assertive idea and think Irene’s time line of a month afterwards is a good one. I’m not sure I’d ask a mutual friend for details, because it might make that friend feel like she has divided loyalties if your mutual friend has shared information with her. I think it’s best to go to the source and not involve other people in whatever is going on between you.
I’m really sorry your friend wasn’t more up front if she’s mad at you, and I hope this was all a misunderstanding.