An Insecure Friend
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I am generally insecure when it comes
to friends. I am frightened that if I don’t co-operate or meet their
requirements they will dump me. This was true during my college days- and now
I’m married with two kids and still haven’t gotten over it.
The second problem is I usually don’t say "NO" to them and get attached to them
very easily. On the other hand when I see they aren’t returning the same
feeling, I get hurt and it bothers me for days.
Overall, I’m not able to sit back and
relax and think that my friends are forever. I am constantly anxious and need
reassurance that we are still friends. Please provide me with some advice.
Signed, Insecure Friend
ANSWER
Dear Insecure Friend,
You sound like a very nice, sincere
person who values your friendships. But I can see how your friendships might
feel agonizing if you always feel insecure in them. Here are a few thoughts; perhaps
one or more will resonate with you:
1) Do you feel an excessive need to be
liked in all of your relationships, including friendships? Do you lack
self-confidence in general? Being unable to say "NO" is common among people who
lack self-confidence. But if you don’t learn when and how to say "NO"
appropriately, you’ll find yourself feeling compromised, bitter, and feeling unappreciated.
Every friendship needs to have some boundaries to help people retain their
integrity. Some of the links to prior posts below talk directly to that issue.
2) Are you feeling insecure with all
your friends—-from distant acquaintances to very close friends? Everyone has
a different friendship style. Perhaps, you are spreading yourself too thin by
getting attached to too many people and need to focus on feeling comfortable in
one or two close relationships—-or conversely, maybe you’ll feel more comfortable
in maintaining more superficial relationships with a greater number of people.
3) Finally, if you constantly seek
reassurance from friends and are always worrying that friendships won’t last,
this can be pretty grating on other people and ironically, self-reinforcing by
creating a distance between you and others.
Given that this pattern of relating
seems to be pretty deeply ingrained and persistent, irrespective of the
particular friendship, I think it would be very worthwhile for you to seek some
counseling to find out more about why you’re feeling so insecure.
I hope this helps and think it’s great
that you were able to recognize this pattern in your relationships with
friends.
Best regards, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog
dealing with friendship insecurity:
- 7 Tips for
Saying NO - Saying
NO to a friend isn’t easy - Feeling trapped:
Honesty may help - Handling
an insecure friend
Category: Uncategorized
