Homebound senior who feels hopeless
A homebound senior without friends or family feels hopeless
QUESTION
Hi,
I am not certain why I am writing because I think my situation is pretty hopeless.
I am 69 (in 6 days), chronically ill with many health issues, live alone, have no friends or family, and am afraid of dying alone, not to be discovered until weeks after, as one of my neighbors recently was. He was not discovered until odor emanated from his house.
Although I have had some really good long-term friendships (10-25 years) in the past, they are all gone now. Despite a lifetime history of severe depression (brutally violent childhood), I have managed to survive by hiding and controlling time spent with others, making excuses. Most of my close friends have known of my depression issues but have never really experienced them, since I learned to fake it or distract myself, temporarily.
My life was very active until about the age of 30. As the years progressed, I spent more time alone, including living alone most of the time. I never married, had children or any siblings. I lost count of the number of therapists I’ve seen–some were incompetent, some damaging, some just couldn’t help.
I was a gorgeous woman, very intelligent, great sense of humor, very funny and entertaining. When I was 65, I was still good looking in my late 40’s. My body started failing and I lost a great deal of weight. I’m now unattractive and look like I’m in my 80’s–I’m no longer the same person. The extreme physical change happened in only 6 months! I can’t even pretend to be okay. I never go out (am not supposed to drive) and am not taking care of myself.
Four people who were in my life have bailed on me over the last three years. I am not exactly fun to be around, partly because of the people who have been so cruel to me–ones that claimed to love and care about me.
A best friend of 22 years dumped me. She was going to find a home for my cats when I could no longer care for them, be my health power of attorney, take care of my death arrangements–she cancelled all that in a brief email, including our long-term friendship (like a Dear John letter from a thoughtless teenager). Concerned that I may die or become incapacitated, I also gave her $14,000 to give to whoever homed my wonderful cats in appreciation for her assistance. She never returned a dime, after breaking all her commitments. I need the money, badly for the many health problems I have. In addition, everything that could go wrong has.
My therapist even bailed, not knowing how to help me. Even though many may think I am unnecessarily whining or have a distorted view of my life, he told me, in reality, that my life sucks–not all my fault–just terrible luck. He said he has never seen anyone with so many bad things happening and with no resources or support system to help.
My cousin, who thought of me as the sister she never had, also bailed, tired of all my problems. Another female cousin, who was to be my personal rep for my will, and my financial power of attorney, also bailed. My doctor, who is not very sensitive, is not helping me. I was burglarized three times last year–all my portable valuables stolen (at least $55,000 worth)–no insurance coverage. My old house is literally falling apart as is my old car. Both of my cats are very ill and I can barely take care of them. I forget to feed them and give them medicine–but there is no one to help or take over their care–a shelter will kill them. Lots more–but that’s enough.
I spend almost the entire day in bed.
I also have some vascular dementia (similar course as Alzheimer’s), so have difficulty focusing and get easily confused–I am not computer savvy, either. I am terrified about my future–of ending in a home, eventually, on Medicaid, completely alone, possibly abused or a victim of theft (my state has a terrible reputation for assisted living/nursing homes–worse than most), unless I die in my home first.
I also have very little money and may go bankrupt, soon. I will be spending my birthday alone and again, as I have for many years, along with holidays. When I was younger and healthier, being alone did not bother me so much–it’s so different now.
I know that these comments were way too long. I apologize for being so verbose, but with no one to talk to, except myself (I spend a lot of time doing that–but don’t hear voices!), I needed to express at least some of my problem to people who may read and listen, at least in part–if you weren’t turned off by my extreme neediness.
Unfortunately, most people don’t want to hear of so many problems. It is incredibly overwhelming and to many, boring!
Signed, Pat
ANSWER
Hi Pat,
Thanks for reaching out and taking the time to write.
Of course, it’s impossible for me or anyone else to figure out precisely what’s going on or to propose “a quick fix” from afar. It does sound like you have few social supports and many chronic problems of various kinds. As I read your beautifully written letter, three thoughts came to mind:
1) The dramatic decline in your health, appearance and self-concept over the last six months is particularly worrisome. Also, you say you are not taking care of yourself and spend most of your days in bed. This could be health-related, the side effects of medication, and/or related to your depression. Since this is a significant change in your condition/functioning, I would strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a physician for a comprehensive evaluation.
2) You seem to have financial problems and trouble managing your money. I would also suggest you contact the state office overseeing the Area Agency on Aging in your state to find out about public benefits and resources that may be available to you. Also check out the Benefits Checkup site sponsored by the National Council on Aging.
3) You express profound loneliness. Does your town or a larger city nearby have a program for seniors? Sometimes there are outreach programs that provide emotional and logistical support for homebound seniors. Are any programs or services available from religious groups in your community—even if you aren’t of the same religion?
Given the number and complexity of your problems, I can understand how you would feel overwhelmed. It would be great if you could find a social worker or case worker to help you sort through your problems. Check with your municipal government to see what help might be available in your community for homebound seniors with health problems.
You wrote because you still have some hope and interest in reaching out to others. My heart goes out to you but before you can be “friend-worthy,” you have to feel better about yourself. I hope you can take at least one beginning step to get your life back in order.
I hope anyone else reading this will chime in with other ideas that may be helpful.
Best, Irene
Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS
This letter really touched me to my core and my heart goes out to her. Is there any update on her situation?
I have never before read someone who has and feels the same as me…right down to aging and looking soo old and chronic illness I am female 67 and UK. I am still fighting for tests. I once was OK. I have two cats and one dog. I do have two children grown who try to help but I am so negative and suffer horrendous pain and many years of depression and friends not wanting to know anymore. I even told them how they let me down and they hated that too. They have not bothered with me anymore since so ill and I have a GP who tried and had counselling many years ago but keep living in the past and missing so many things. I was an alcoholic. Smoked and ate badly and damaged my body. My cat is the only one who cries when I cry in pain each day. Everyone has given up on me annd I have told my kids I am going to commit suicide as this pain burning all through me on eating and on boddily functions is like hell. I sit in silence and in bed a lot. I hate myself too and have prayed for guidance. I thought I was alone until I read your post. I have a bad habit of typing writing loads and te. I have pushed people away and tested their friendship too much
lling everyone every medical detail. They do not want to hear it and have tried to help some saying what do you want from me even. Nothing. I just want a friend. I had three but my fault I lost them yet I tried to be friendly and chatty too. I helped them when I was OK. I praise their looks. I have never kept friends even when married. I was always laughed at and ppushed away. I tried too hard. I feel so down, so ill, so sad. I am hoping the new consultant can look down inside and I have been told it was fibromyalga and IBS and depressin but even my kids have never seen me this disabled with pain. I have little faith in the human race. My pets…if only they could tell people exactly how much pain I am in. I try reading the Bible but cannot remember things having trouble
I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain and feel so unsupported. I’m glad that you have a new consultant trying to address your underlying medical problems.
I recently read about two programs in the U.S. that might help provide you with resources and/or support. I hope you’ll check them out:
http://www.programsforelderly.com/health-campaign-to-end-loneliness-elderly.php
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/befriending-services-combating-loneliness/
Please don’t give up. Of course, if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately. In the UK, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.
My best wishes to you, Irene
Thankyou.for age links Irene. I used to visit elderly deliver library books to housebound now i cant.i hope consultant scan will show sonething.im hanging on but everything i eat burns theough whole body.i had pancreatitis xmas but bloods ok but as i read the post i thought i was reading about myself.i hope this lady seeks help.for i know how she feels.ive had all my life but never such pain.chronic illness knocks us right down.i hope soneone befriends her soon.but i find it hard to talk when in horrific pain worse by evening.my gp is at a loss.meds made me worse.i pray for this lady and anyone out there suffering alone.i have kuds but they dont understand really but i do have so am blessed but at times tgey are too busy to help or listen to my symptons and fed up watching me sob.too much stress for them.i have tried the Bible as my friend but so hard.thankyou for lustening.thank you for letting me share and the lady like me must have strength still to reach out.i say my prayers for her.i have no friends now.but they are keast of my woes..i pray i will get help with a diagnosis soon even if its not good i just want answers.bless you all
Hi I am in UK I am so sad and worried. I am 61 so fed up with feeling ill all the time, sorry just having a few tears again all I do not very good at this it is a first for me.. but outdated be good to have some one to talk to
I’m glad you reached out and, at minimum, hope that you realize you aren’t alone. The approach of the holidays can be a tough time for many people. If you are on Facebook, you might like to join this group of people associated with The Friendship Blog who want to connect online and off:
https://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/
Best, Irene
Send me your phone number, or I could send you mine. I too am lonley and have major depression. I’m right here in NJ. Have my own house. Love cats and all animals.
This is not a matching or dating site. Rather, it’s to talk about ways to make and keep friends.
No posts with identifying information are posted here to protect visitors from spammers.
Sorry if this wasn’t clear. Thanks for your cooperation!
Just trying to provide help in a very real way, where she feels there is no hope. A drowning person needs a life preserver; not advice.
There should be a website whereby elderly lonely people could contact each other by skype (as an example) and be able to see and converse with new friends.
There must be a way to screen the people before they are allowed to sign into this website. Loneliness creates more sickness and sadness, depression etc.
I wished i was good with internet then i could start it myself
[This blog is not for matching people either for platonic or romantic relationships.
If you want to pursue an online friendship, I have set up two Facebook groups—one for women and one for men. Thanks for your cooperation.]
For women: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheFriendshipBlogConnection/
For men: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1255614527799890/
I never been on facebook before. I will have to get familiar with it. Thank you for the info.
Dear Pat, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. believe me i understand because i have been done the same way by so called friends( one i knew 52 years) my son and i are alone, no family & no one will help us ( not money or charity) just someone that knows computers social media to help by word of mouth. when i stumbled on your story , i didnt know how to contact you ( still dont ) i just hope this reaches you somehow because i will find you help and you can call me or email me anytime . no wonder the world is the way it is now
I am in the same boat I was a stunningly beautiful woman had a terrible accident. Got a divorce I’m alone in this world and frightened I would love to hook up and talk to someone who is in the same boat so we can at least console each other I need a friend like nobody’s business
Having family and friends is so important especially as you get older. And it’s so unfair that some people have that and others don’t. The ones that do don’t care about us and don’t want to hear how were so alone and have no one because they have no idea what it’s like. It seems like the good people are cursed and the bad people have it easy. Maybe if they had no one they would know what it’s like and maybe care about people that have no one for once in their life.
Beverly I think your right and i am very sorry if you are alone it seems to make things harder I was looking for some one to talk with and vist on occations I wonder what town you live in I am from east palestine oh and my name is kattie
I am in the same boat I was a stunningly beautiful woman had a terrible accident. Got a divorce I’m alone in this world and frightened I would love to hook up and talk to someone who is in the same boat so we can at least console each other I need a friend like nobody’s business
We are never alone, I was lonely until I met JESUS…
8-27-2015
I originally was looking for a social media so I could make friends online, like I had with ” Facebook ”
The only problem with Facebook is, they canceled my account, without so much as a warning! I didn’t break any of their rules, nor did I misrepresent myself in anyway, but still they cancelled me. You see I am homebound as well, & Facebook was nice to log into, so that I could chat with my new lady friends with similar interest. I have tried hours upon hours to get back onto Facebook to no avail! I would really appreciate it, if anyone reading this can offer a suggestion. Thank You.
I must say though, after reading several of the letters from other people, who are actually feeling desperate; my heart goes out to all of you!!! Please remember, you are not alone, & never give up. There’s always a way, & there are always people who do care!!!
I would try signing up again with another email address.
Greetings Jean,
Hope you are now back online enjoying Facebook. As Laura wrote, open another email account, and then, sign on to Facebook with your new email address.
Enjoy!!
Debbie
The same thing happened to me a while back with my facebook account. One day I went to log on and was unable to no matter what I tried. My computer was very old and had slowed down quite a bit so I got a new one and set up a new account and was able to get back on facebook.
I was feeling pretty sad about turning 67 alone then I read a bunch of these and I feel much better. compared to all of these people I got it going on thanks!~!!!
Pat and all of the lonely people on here, I feel for all of you and wish I had words of hope or wisdom or comfort for you. You are not alone. I am thinking of you all and pray for your happiness and well being. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings.
i am 87 and most of the time in pain. I have two cats, Irecently
lost my apartment because the house is sold. trickery and the landlord
wants her boyfriend in here. I fought it but lost. I have had them
for years. Z
I am isolated from my family of 8 children, only one talks to me iam divorced years ago.I made mistakes took years of treatment
but nothing changed. Now i have just 10 days to leave this apartment
but i can find nothing i can afford. I am suicidal. No compassion and
no help from them. Most old friends are gone. I was hoping to be
able to keep my cats but to no avail. They are going to Enderby
where i am not wanted.
Gerald,
Have you called senior apartment complexes to see what they have. Where I live they have senior apartments and they are charged according to your financial situation. Could you enlist your child who talks to you into finding out information about housing for seniors? Also a hospital, or Medicare might help in finding someone you could talk to like a social worker, you need someone who can listen. I’m sorry you are faced with all this. I’m sorry for your kitties also, you might call a local animal shelter to see if someone could re home them if need be. I so hope things work out for you so you can all stay together. Will be thinking of you. Maybe others on this board will have good suggestions. Hang in there.
Gerald,
Losing your apartment has to be very traumatic. I’m not sure where you live but is there a Department of Senior Services who can assign a caseworker to help assist you in finding alternative housing and to help you stay in place until you do?
It’s understandable that you would feel depressed but if you feel suicidal, you should contact a suicide hotline because they may be able to connect you with supports in your local area:
Of course, if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately.
A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.
In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.
Please make a few phone calls.
Gerald call whatever municipality you live in and tell them your situations right away! They will get you in touch with the necessary social services.
Another option would be to contact an area church. Churches are good referral sources too for services.
Like Irene said, you need to get moving and make some calls!
Once you’re settled somewhere new social services can help you with getting some counseling and other resources to make your life happier.
Hi,Pat, Joslyn, et al:
I used that moniker above, because like Joslin or Pat, you could almost be describing me, too (details slightly different, and I’m only 66, though.)
However, I can see where the advice given here doesn’t always pan out: it really depends upon funding in your area. I just lost agency transportation in my area, paratransit isn’t reliable, and “the Church” can’t seem to get people to help me, either: Everyone is too busy, or whatever. Our society is breaking apart. If you’re poor, sick or have few resources, then good luck. Therapists and social workers don’t do squat. Neither does “Aging Services”, or any other gov’t agency. They’re just there to give people jobs. Where are these places that have these viable transportation funding for disabled/seniors (NOT paratransit, which is also falling apart, as there are too many baby-boomers)? I need to move there! .
I can’t afford Ass’t Living, either. I am in a HUD place: it’s OK rent- wise, but I still don’t have transportation! People either live too far away, or are too busy… It’s almost shameful for them to see what my situation is. I am in a relatively rich area (pocket of poor in a rich suburb), and people just don’t want to get involved. The agency I was with just lost their funding, and there aren’t any others– or else, there are extremely long waiting lists– with no promises. I am trying to figure out how to live on nothing, so I an afford a private agency to chauffeur me (only so far, I can’t afford it). Or else, I am going to simply stop going to the doctors (who don’t do much, either), and get off all my meds. I will simply do without–including perhaps, the computer. If I die, I die. So what? Again: Aging services and social workers don’t do anything. I am going to learn to be a recluse. At least in my state, transportation funding for seniors/disabled has been cut(I refer to rides to doctors, etc.)I cannot no longer take public transit, for the most part, as I am in pain and have mobility issues. We need to vote for those who will enable federal services throughout the US.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to explore options, either: I’ve done nothing else for the past 3 months. I have tried both local and church agencies: no one can do anything, or everyone is too busy. Churches are the worst: they are cliquish, and everyone is super over-extended. I guess I just haven’t found the right group, yet. Don’t get me wrong: people are sympathetic, but always for some reason, they just can’t come thru (sometimes it’s just something as simple as they too are poor and don’t have a working car, and are in similar situations; while the rich are “too busy”). I’ve become very distrustful. I am also sick or in pain, all the time– which doesn’t help. I guess everyone is just waiting for me to drop dead.
(It also doesn’t help that I “look good” and am not in a wheelchair; people don’t realize that I’m in chronic pain. When I try to explain it, I don’t think I am believed…).
Also, it’s not that I don’t have some friends, but for some odd reason, they all live far away, or don’t drive, either (but are in better health)! Just one of God’s little jokes, I guess. There is one who is close, but her car is going. My family is also out of the picture. And again: people are just too busy nowadays, trying to deal with their own stuff. My next step, is to put up flyers!
Well, you get the picture. No viable options for me, either. I have tried everything. Even the local support group agencies won’t pick me up for mtgs!
Perhaps the answer is that there IS no answer? In this country and at this time, we always think there is a fix for everything. Even this website is geared that way (viz;, if you don’t have friends it is because… fill in the blank and correct it).
But sometimes, there simply are no viable solutions? Perhaps sometimes, we need to give up?
The only real answer (for me, that is), is either(1)to give up (2) become rich , or perhaps, a Socialist.
Many of the conditions described here have more to do with toxic Capitalism– which destroys community- than anything else. We live in a country that doesn’t take care of people unless they are rich.
BTW: Also, there is a worldwide pet adoption site online called *Petcha*. They may help… They appear reputable.
HI PAT #1,
SORRY it took me so long to get this to you, maybe better late than never, you sound so intelligent, sorry life is giving you a kick in the butt! That happens, to we seniors I believe, does me anyhow! I have never seen this girl site before, very handy and a plus for older women~~I determined you are in BALTIMORE MD, am I CORRECT?? You have lots of smarts, hang in there you will overcome! I am older than you,76, live in MD (Southern)and live in Senior Housing, alone~~The Senior Complex I am in has different types of apartments, at different prices, I have just a 1 bedroom which is adequate, not fancy! If you could submit
Cedar Lane Senior Living, Leonardtown MD in you computer, a site for here should pop up with all information, why not give it a try, you will get a picture and lot of information!!
You, if I am correct that you are in Baltimore, are maybe 100 miles from me, I have some family there!
I had quite a few friends here and scattered otherwise but in the last year, they have passed on, very sad and leaves me lonely also, a bad feeling! That’s life, I do not have a pet, my dog passed on too, you are allowed pets here with a pet deposit!
I get lonely also, and since I AM YEARS older than U, I don’t even drive any longer, I have brothers but they try to ignore me, I just completed calling a store to take my order and deliver since I do not care to beg these guys to drive me around! I am divorced and my 3 children all live scattered , I DO miss them terribly, jobs here, there and elsewhere! They are used to me being independent so do not worry as far as I know
I DO SO wish you the best girl friend, WE SHALL OVERCOME!! I do notice people as a whole are not as friendly as years ago, everyone practically has their own problems,
I WISH YOU THE VERY BEST, PAT, YOU HAVE MUCH TO OFFER!!
MY web name is [REMOVED BY MODERATOR]
HAVE HAPPY DAYS AND PLEASE DO GET IN TOUCH
GOD BLESS YOU!
DD
#1 PAT,
DO really hope you are feeling better, good, better, best!!
I have been thinking of you and all your friends here who answered your original email.
Try to check out the Cedar Lane Housing, never know when it will come in handy!!
My daughter had her 50th birthday yesterday, a fact I could hardly believe, I ask myself how she became that old??
That certainly makes me ancient, ugh!! She lives in Penn
she and her husband~~oh and the rescue dogs she mothers also!
Please take care and let us know how you are doing,
Happiness and good thoughts being sent your way
With Affection,
Doris
Hi Pat,
I’d be honored if you wrote to me.
Hi Pat,
You have my prayers, and I hope that wonderful possibilities will be yours. It sounds devastating. May God be with you and console you.
I’m a Roman Catholic and this is such a rich and wonderful Faith. I urge you to consider joining. We believe Jesus is Present in the Church and is waiting for us to visit Him. I visited Him earlier.
Also, maybe you’d find true and lasting friends in the Church.
You sound like a lovely person, and I hope all good things come your way.
Hi Pat,
I found this site because tho I am “only” 50 I am worried about my future too. My mother won’t be here forever and I will then be alone. My heart breaks reading about your story (& others here). I too suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD and other health issues. I ask myself often what did or didn’t we do to deserve this! If I could get us all out of our bad situations I would! Well, even tho I don’t usually post responses to sites and I don’t know if my advice can help you. Please at least consider, if you haven’t already, the Section 8 Rental Assistance Program offered thru HUD. Most cities offer this program thru their City Hall. As soon as the waiting list is open, apply. Depending on your income the assistance will only require you to pay a percentage of your income for rent. Unfortunately or not to qualify you can not own property unless it is in someone else’s name. So, you would have to sell your home as you would have “too much” money whether or not most of it is not cash and is in property instead. And you would have to wait on a list for assistance once the list opens. There are also senior buildings that offer rental assistance. The assistance stays with the building and is not transferable like the other. Finally, check with your city hall for assistance to “rehab” your home. The city hall I work for has a program that offers assistance repairing homes for seniors who are low income. Again, I don’t know if any of this will help you. I just couldn’t not offer something to try and help you. God bless you Pat and even tho I don’t know you I still love you. Terri
Hi, Pat, and all ladies here. I read your letter and the pain was palpable. I am so very sorry for your situation. I, unfortunately, have heard stories like yours way too many times to count in recent years. I run support groups on Facebook for those with chronic illnesses. Many have physical, many have emotional, and many have both kinds of illnesses. I was very ill and lonely (and I was married!) before finding Facebook groups. Since that time, I’ve made many wonderful friends. Some I’ve met in person. We talk daily. I know, Pat, you said you aren’t computer savvy, but Facebook, once you get the hang of it, is actually pretty simple to use. Find a group on there of folks like yourself. You would be amazed at how helpful and supportive folks can be. I’ve found some of my best doctors from people on the groups. And, now I run a couple of them, and I help others either connect with folks like themselves, find doctors or other medical help, or just keep them knowing they are valuable and life is still pretty nice. I hope you’ll consider Facebook, Pat. It could be the start of some help for you. Blessings.
Hi pat hope you are doing better I am 68 as well and feeling alone as so many other elderly. Where do
Do you live perhaps we can encourage one another by phone or if we live close enough. I was on a train the other day and I sat next to a lovely 68year old lady that had so much heartache in her life but she is persevering going to grief groups etc. I will be meeting with her for lunch and we talk on the phone it is helpful to know that we can commiserate with others.where did things change so drastically for the baby boomers. Good luck stay in touch
Thanks to all of you for your kind attempts to help me with my rotten situation. I didn’t even expect a response!
I have tried a lot of different things over the last few years and none have panned out. Social Services, Dept. of Health, Dept. of Aging, Baltimore Crisis Center, as well as a lot of online research. I have just become more disillusioned. I have been assigned case workers, who say there are years of waiting lists, don’t return my phone calls, say there is nothing available–have done, absolutely, nothing to help! I couldn’t begin to tell you what I have tried to no avail. BTW, Pepper, it was $14,000 that my ex-friend, basically, stole! It was for the cat’s care and the things she agreed to do for me. I had no written contract and trusted her, unfortunately, more than anyone. She will call it a gift, I am certain. I am sure she became tired of hearing of all my problems, but I thought she, at least, had a conscience and would not be cruel. My cousin did a similar thing–thought of me as a sister, until she didn’t.
My large old house is falling apart, with lots of undetectable leakage throughout, major foundation cracks; furnace and water heater, inefficient and needing replacement, needs major exterior paint, boarded up windows from multiple burlaries, hand rails on outdoor steps just broke; expensive deck is warping and needs work, etc.–realtor said only an investor would purchase it for very little (maybe $70,000 which won’t even pay rent in a cheap studio, in a mediocre neighborhood for very long), yet I am paying same taxes as others twice the market value. I, also, would be terrified of eviction, once my money runs out. As long as I remain in my house, I can’t be evicted, if I pay the exorbitant taxes, and it doesn’t cave in.
My 25 year-old car continuously requires expensive major repairs. Although I can’t care for my cats properly, I don’t know what I would do without them, since they are all I have. I have done research into rehoming them (never Craig’s List!–too many horror stories), but 2 “special needs” cats (both w/eating problems, one unknown cause, the other kidney disease) usually are euthanized; no decent senior centers in the city–the county is better, but I have to reside there to use them.
Assisted Living centers are way too expensive (the one that seemed okay was $30,000/month!) and the average ($6-8,000) or cheap ones $4,000) are very bad, especially without family to check for abuse, poor care, theft, etc. My tiny income ($800) wouldn’t afford a bathroom in one of them, anyway. I am depending on my savings to get by, but once they are gone, I am sunk. I spent over a year researching places to live, originally independent living, now assisted living. An ex-friend of mine put her husband in one–he died in 3 months due to neglect–despite her monitoring his care. Maryland has a terrible reputation for assisted living communities, except for a few for the wealthy–even then, family needs to check quality of care.
My doctor (for 3 years) is very insensitive about depression issues–He told me that I will never make any friends unless I stop being depressed! He, also, told me that if I sold my house, I could get a face lift! I have had great difficulties finding a decent doctor, especially one that can handle all my many health issues. He costs me a fortune, but spends time with me. Every time I see him, about once a month, he gives me and I give him, more bad health news. It is a “catch-22” situation. People don’t want to be around depressed people, so how do you make friends when your life is a mess, and you are depressed. I won’t even talk on the phone, because I sound like a slug. I can’t even pretend that my life is normal. The more bad things that happen, the more I am depressed and rejected– the more I am rejected, the more depressed I become. I am filled with such extremely painful self-loathing, I want to scream–not exactly an attractive quality for friendship.
I did it again–wrote too much. Sorry, but I am incredibly desperate. Read what you want, or not. Thanks.
Pat: Gosh, it sure sounds like a lot going on all at once.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Truly I am. I, personally, was oh so close to being homeless when I filed for bankruptcy… It was so hard to find any, and I mean any, positive when the chips are down.
As far as any governmental agencies and such, I have found that one has to be persistent. If they haven’t called you back in a day, call again. Every other day if necessary. Keeping a notebook with the time of day you called, how long you waited, and who you spoke to and what they said. If they haven’t call you back by the promised date, call the very next day. I have found that those who are the squeaky wheel do get the results. Has nothing to do with being polite. It has to do with your life.
Although I do not participate in organized religion, perhaps it might be time for you to reach out to a church of your beliefs? Many in churches have volunteers and have connections to other organizations that could help. Once again, being persistent.
Many organization here in the PNW participate in the National Making a Difference Day. For example,on that one day, real estate offices here will have their agents go and help fix up homes that need fixing, especially for seniors and low income families. Other businesses do the same. Maybe there is something like that in your area? Call some real estate offices and see what they say…
Local humane society? Do they have a fund set aside for seniors who need financial help with their pets – food and medical care?
What about Meals on Wheels? They could help with food.
The power company here in the PNW has a program for low income individuals where by their rates are reduced because of a special fund they have set up. Maybe check with a power company?
Real estate taxes – not sure about Maryland, but here in the PNW, if you are a senior and you income is under a certain annual dollar amount, your real estate taxes are literally reduced by 85%. Maybe your county has such a program? Also, have you had your home reappraised by the county appraiser to determine if their valuations are correct for you home? If it has that many issues, it certainly would have to be less taxes.
Finally, two of our local tv channel news stations have a people problem solver segment, where individuals who need help will be featured on the segment and you would be amazed as to the help and financial help that pours in.
It must be a lot more costly in Maryland for assisted living – $30,000 sound incredibly expensive and unreasonable. In the PNW, even those in the Alzheimer sections probably pay about $10-13,000 a month and that is for 24 hour care in a nationally known facility.
Maybe it is time to change doctors. My mother, who is 93 and on limited income, has changed her primary doctor 3 times in 4 years because the first two were not helping her and would not listen to her.
And about being depressed – I can fully relate and understand. Not only am I terribly depressed but also have OCD, PTSD, and severe anxiety. Found a therapist who was willing to have me come every week, but only charges me every third visit because I really needed the help but couldn’t afford it every week. But I had to ask, and took a bit to find one who would work with me and my limitations.
I also do not have friends, no matter what I do or try. It is challenging to not focus on oneself when there are no other people in one’s life and when everything has htf. But I keep trying. When I am around people, I keep focusing on asking them questions so they talk about themselves instead of me talking about me. I read a lot of books, and found a book club that I participate in once a month and where I am comfortable. Going in to it, I had to focus on ‘being in a bookclub’ instead of ‘trying to find friends’. I enjoy my time when I go and it is a start for me.
I also volunteer at an animal shelter. Since I can’t do a lot of manual labor right now, I help with mailings and answering phones. Once again, getting me out and among other people. There are many times when I don’t want to go (it is much easier to stay at home), but I force myself because it is good for me.
I think that for me, because I am so desperate for a friend (been wishing for one every New Year’s Day and every birthday since I was 6), that people pick up on our desperation. So, at 64, I am trying to change my expectations and wishes.
Sorry about length post – as you probably guessed – I am heavy on the ‘caretaking’ and trying to fix things for everyone around me – not always a good trait either 🙂
Hi Pepper, enjoyed reading your well written post. I can relate to many of the Blogs on this site. After living for over seven decades, I can tell you that times have changed ! Our society as a whole is not as neighborly, caring or compassionate as it once was. Just the fact that you have to concentrate on asking questions when in a group so that the people will respond to you shows that people do not reach out in friendship the way they used to. And you shouldn’t have to worry about talking about yourself. People should be interested in what you have to say, and in knowing more about you. But many of them today are not. As a cousin of mine says, “It is what it is, unfortunately”. The people who have been blessed with good fortune and good Heath, find it easy to be cheerful but have little tolerance for those who are negative or depressed. They haven’t gone through the pain of the less fortunate. So just remember that it isn’t You ! And you are not alone, as witnessed by all the posts written here. And just so you know, Maryland IS a very expensive place. I was born and raised there. I want to go back because I can no longer stand the frigid winters of MN. But finding a reasonable CCRC is very difficult. I wish the best to all of you who feel friendless — some places are less friendly than others, including MN. But hang in there. Wish we could all be together and fiind friends in each other. Maybe that’s what Heaven is all about.
Nanci, chiming in here at age 76! 🙂
If I drank, I’d drink to that Lois!
I have so many problems it would literally destroy my fingers to relate all of them here here, so I’ll just say That I can absolutely relate to all the problems I’ve been reading about tonightt, i.e., pain, sickness, household, pets, transportation, lonleliness, depression, etc. And because I can relate so strongly, my heart bleeds for everyone here…who I would love to call my friends.
I’ve prayed for so long to find a friend, a kindred spirit who would understand and care about what I’m going through, as I would understand and care about what she or he is going through. So imagine how I feel now that my prayer has finally been answered and I found all of you wonderful human beings!
Only minutes ago, before I stumbled onto this discussion, I was searching for, and found, a much different forum; It was a suicide forum for people like myself, who had simply had enough and decided to call it quits.
I’m so grateful that I now feel like I have some friends.
I care deeply about EVERYTHING that’s going on in your lives….and I promise to “always” care.
Thank you for saving my life tonight.
[Last name removed by moderator. To protect yourself against possible spammers, please do not use last names on this blog. Thanks!]
Hi Nanci,
Welcome to the blog. If you are interested in making new friends, you might want to join a Facebook group (connected to this blog) that was set up for that purpose.
See: https://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/
Best, Irene
No, thank you.
Happy birthday! I know I’m a few days late, but I’m thinking of you!
A friend checks in on you, a friend helps you seek solution, a friend cares…it sure seems you have made a few friends from reaching out and typing your post. I wish there was a club for women without moms and moms without daughters …it would help so many of us lonely ladies. I love you Pat! Do your best to create comfort around you as best you can. A clean space with little unneeded clutter is best for depressives. We don’t need to take care of more than we need to…you know. Again, I love you! We need more love and looking into each others eyes. You are not your skin darling, you are a spirit and your fire is dimming, but it can be sparked! Gentle yoga and practice breathing techniques they do too, yes at 69, it is so good for us!
At the risk of sounding confusing, my name is Pat too!
I’ve been reading your posts, and the replies and I too feel your pain and hope you are doing better (?) I am completely appalled at your horrible thieving relative stealing your 14K, by the way! There’s no excuse for her.
If your taxes are too high, can you not appeal them? Here in Canada, they send out the tax assessment each year and you have a certain amount of time to appeal it, in case they’ve mucked it up.
I wish I had more suggestions for you, but as a friendless person with no relatives who keep in touch with me, I’m hardly qualified to give friendship advice. So I am just on here to say that I wish you lived close by, so that we could meet and become friends! And I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
That assisted living scam is outrageously expensive! And your doctors seem pretty useless. I guess I’d be saving the people doctor fees and be spending the money on my cats!
70K is a good amount of money, though you say it will not last long. I can’t find your original post (and fear I will get dumped out of this message if I search more for it) but do you have a monthly income of some sort too? Can you sell up and move some place cheaper? Real estate agents, working off a percent commission as they do, are often very helpful in finding cheap and cheerful updates one can do to their home before selling, to get a better price.
I am still wondering if you can get that 14K back. Is there anyone who knows, and who would step forward, to state that your relative got that money from you? Something that would hold up in court?
I’m sorry that I haven’t something more helpful to say. I just hope that you’re ok. Do you have a foodbank there? People here are allowed to go once a month I think, and I know it helps, and there’s nothing wrong with getting a helping hand.
Best wishes to you. I wish I could help.
The other Pat!
Dear Pat,
My heart is with you. I am 83 years old, and my youngest daughter, a couple of weeks ago, gave me a thirty day notice. She and her sister talked me into selling my home and come live with her. My home was five years old and paid for. And since then the money from that home is almost all gone. I literally gave it away a little at a time and now I am being forced out into market rent. I can’t believe I was so stupid, to think my kids would really want me. I am grateful because I have pretty good health, for my age. And my brain seems, to be still functioning. I am somewhat of a workaholic and that is what gets me in trouble sometimes. Right now I feel as if I have had a bad case of the flu. My brain and my heart ache like nothing I have ever had before. I am glad I have found a place to share. It gives me a little therapy. Love to all.
It is 3:30 in the morning. All I knew to do was to put down my feelings in google, and I found this wonderful site. People don’t want to be around depressed people. It is so hard to put on a smile, or a cheerful voice so people will at least talk to you. No one calls my home. Sometimes I cry so much I cannot get out of bed. Nights can be hell. I want to sleep, but cannot. Financially, things are a nightmare. NO ONE REALLY HELPS. People say, “call if you need me”, but then they don’t want to hear about your depression – like you WANT the depression. I’m tired of being told to just get out and volunteer and help others – well, I want to do that, but cannot get out of the concrete I feel has been poured over me. I am so lonely. If only one person would truly care I would be much better. My adult children are cruel to me.
So sorry that you are feeling this way, Beverly. If you are clinically depressed, you need to get help before you can help others or connect with friends. Can you speak to your internist? Best, Irene
Beverley,
I know the concrete encasement well, and my heart bleeds for you. I don’t know the answer and have nothing to offer but love and understanding
DEAREST PAT,
Sorry we did not hear back from you!! Leaves my feeble mind wondering how you are doing, are U well, Happy /Sad, been a long while since you originally wrote!! Maybe you have attempted to change everything or nothing~~~I even read between your lines but received not a clue,
DO SO TAKE GOOD CARE, of Yourself!!
Doris in MD
Always with Caring Thoughts,
just Doris
!!!
You know everybody can tell you and suggest to you what to do but if you do not have the will to do any of it what is the use. If you could do all that they are suggesting you would not be in the mess. I had the same thing happen to me. No one cares There may be a few but most do not. I suggest and what I did is check into a hospital and get on anti depressants. If you are depressed then your medications are not working. I was an alcoholic for 30 years I was so depressed like your self. But I started taking medications and oh my goodness a miracle happened. You probably do need to move into a low income apt. Instead of being depressed it sounds like your worrying a lot. Just your worrying can wear you down. If you are taking anti depressants then they are not working. Please quit worrying. It could be worse. What if you could not walk. What if you could not talk. Just think there is always someone worse off than your self. If you want change you have to do a little changing. You said what you wanted are needed but you did not say what you are willing to do to change.
Oh Pat, Your letters broke my heart. not just because your situation and mine are pretty well identical but because I can’t do anything to help. I can truly say from experience ‘I know how you feel.’…even your cat situation is similar….but you need an answer to your problem. (I am older, chronically ill and live in England, so not much help there.) If you could express one specific need, and the solution to it that you would most appreciate, what would it be? If it is a ‘lifeline contact,’ is there maybe one person who might talk on the phone now and again? (I would be glad to do that but am overseas, but I would do so if you wanted me to.) Some comments here have been a bit ‘off putting’…i.e ‘we are not a dating /friendship service.’ Bit heartless, I thought, because the hand of friendship is what you need. I do hope something ‘happens’ for you. I can (and certain;y will) pray and believe God for you, but He has no hands but human hands and if people glibly speak words but don’t reach out, they are not ‘doing what it says on the tin!’ Pat, keep hanging in there. There are people who care…
Bless you, Eilidh
Pat: I can most certainly relate to your feelings of frustration and sadness. It is so scarey to be in a situation like yours and to be alone in it. I, too, am alone (no friends, no family whatsoever-just me). Was raised by a single mother, who was dysfunctional and narssistic. It was just the two of us. When she passed, the feeling of being alone in this huge world was overwhelming, especially when one has no friends or children. I have been told I am a good person, a caring and giving heart, but still, no friends. I partake in job, activities, hobbies, and yes, even church…yet a friend is elusive. So, have concluded, it is me. Something about me. I never learned or developed or was taught those social skills that are so important in developing friendships.
Been through financial disaster due to medical expenses- declared bankruptcy just last year.
But at age 64, I keep trying. But enough about me….
Your circumstances sound overwhelming and extremely frustrating. About your financial situation, could you perhaps sell your home and use the $ from the sale to move to a lower income over-55 apartment community? Assisted living can be so expensive. Have you checked into the assisted living facilities in your area? SO much research can be done on-line.
Also, Check with various non-profits and county agencies that assist seniors in your area who could provide you with lists of names of agencies or people who can help- either at very low cost or even for free- with everything from driving you, grocery deliveries, laundry, etc.
Trying to recoup your $4,000 can be difficult and costly, since that limit is probably over the small claims court limit and, not sure if you had a signed document? In that case, you would have to hire an attorney- once again, not cheap or free. Perhaps there is a free legal ‘clinic’ in your area, where paralegals, law students and lawyers advise low income individuals for free?
And your cats – I can understand your fierce love for them because that is the way I feel about my three. See if there are cat non-profits out there that would be willing to help you rehome them? They need their health taken care of, and are unable to do so themselves, and cannot tell you what pain they are in. Perhaps the local humane society or feline non-profit might have a financial fund available for those in need? Our local humane society has an entire group of volunteers who will help seniors and others with their pets.
DO NOT DO NOT put them on craigslist – far too many pets posted on that site end up in horrible horrible life-ending situations (no matter what that person who shows up says). There is the scam where they say they want a cat for their mom/kid etc. And the person showing up looks well dressed, etc. But in fact the pet one gives away ends up being used as a dog fighting training ‘tool’.
Please know that there are many who would like to help you because we know how you feel. We are here when you want to share.
I have no problem listening!
I too am without friends my only family member taking to me is my Daughter.
I spend a great deal of time finding things to do.You can start by getting to know God and praying.He can and will be your closest friend.I have RA Fribromyagia HBP and Diabetes it hasn’t been fun .Reaching out for support is good for you because there are others out here just like you or worser!
See if you can get involved in a church where people will love on you and celebrate you.I found one where I have become part of and its good for me because I have opportunities to spend quality time with them to laugh talk study the bible etc.You are not alone and you can always find me on Facebook.Playing games watching movies o Television via cable or sattelite.You have the internet there are other groups you can get involved in as a Senior Citizen.There are people who do care and won’t mind being around you if they had real love in their hearts.Gods people understand and real people of God will love on you and celebrate you.
I hope you get involved in searching for ways to make YOU HAPPY!
It was no accident you came here.God bless.
Pat, I feel so bad for you and the situation you’re in. That’s terrible about the people in your life leaving you. You’ve been through a lot. I agree with a lot of the comments here, there is help out there for you, please don’t give up hope. I’m glad you’re able to open up on this site about what you’re going through, I can tell there’s some good people on here to talk to. Good luck and take care, blessings!
Hi Pat, as I read your message my heart breaks for you and your circumstances. I am 45 years old with chronic Vertigo/Dizziness and balance issues and constantly feel faint. I have no one as well. It is has been a very lonely isolated 8 years. Can n o longer work, nor friends, my very few family members really could not give a rats about me! I am trying very hard to deal with the state trying to get into acquired brain injury assisted living situation but they make it extremely difficult. May I ask what sate you live in? I am in New Jersey and the one thing that still kind of works on me is my mouth, I am good on the phone and making calls and trying to get things accomplished that way, it is a struggle when my head is always whirling and I too have been so isolated that the loneliness has caused deep depression, but I try so hard to push through which is so hard when you are swaying and swinging all over the place from vertigo everyday and trying to get the slightest task done. But maybe I can help just trying to get someone from your state to come and get you started on trying to get some help. I am so sorry people who claim to love and care have failed you, they never realize we are all human beings and need love, compassion, and empathy. Many people lack these things cause I think they do not believe they will ever become ill, I use to be one of those people who though I was invinceable….Please do not give up HOPE!!! sending Gentle Hugs and many prays your way. Your friend in South Jersey:)))) K
All is not lost. Try and move to an assisted living facility. Ask your health plan for a consultation with their social worker. There you will see and interact with multiple people every single day. Consult with an attorney about selling your home and liquidating your assets. Never give large sums of money to anyone. Good luck. Assisted living is not a nursing home and is your best bet. Most have many pastimes to choose from.
I work in a hospital which employs social workers to help with this type of issue. Learn about your health plan. They won’t pay but can make good referrals.
If you can prove you gave the money for the cats you can sue in superior court to get a jugdment.
Very good suggestion from Maddie about the assisted living facility and the rest of Maddie’s advice. I think this is the best plan.
Dear Pat,
I came searching the Internet tonight because I struggle with many similar issues, and needed a friend! You could almost interchange the name in your letter and it would mostly describe my life. (Not to minimize or discount what you wrote in any way). I am wondering if knowing there are other women in similar situations helps? Please know that you are not alone. There are many women in many places who share your pain tonight. If it might help to email me, you may. You have been given much good advice. I hope you can let it wrap around you and take a new step by reaching out tomorrow. I’m hoping you can. Please stay in touch.
Joslin
Hi Pat,
My heart goes out to you. I send you hugs xoxo.
I agree with all of the good suggestions here. Also think about calling your physician to put you directly in touch with a Visiting Nurse, a Visiting Homemaker and others who fall under the dispensation of various Social Services.
Also, there is a service called Wheel Transit for those who no longer drive their cars. Some places also offer volunteer drivers.
Also think about contacting Catholic Charities, Episcopalian and Presbyterian Charities or Jewish Charities, etc.: whichever one you prefer.
I am sorry to hear about your brutal childhood. Yes, that is a cross to bear indeed; but be proud of yourself, as you in turn did not hurt others. Instead you sound like a good, loving, caring person.
I send you warmest wishes, and kindest thoughts.
Lauren
I’m reading this thinking the 1st thing you need is an advocate. Where I live, this assistance is through a township office. Check your town’s website or call social services. The 1st step is getting a social worker to access your situation and let you know what you qualify for. You may qualify for Meals on Wheels, medicaid, food stamps, adult daycare.
If you feel that Assisted Living is the way to go, don’t be afraid of facilities that take medicaid. I have seen people on medicaid end up in some pretty nice places!
AmyF has a wonderful suggestion. Are there any senior apartments in your area? I have seen isolated older people’s lives change after moving into one of these places. A lot of these places in my area have community meals and plenty of activities – and these aren’t nursing homes but apartment buildings. You will meet people your own age who are going through the same sorts of problems you are.
For your cats, are there any feral feline groups? A group of cat lovers might know someone willing to adopt. Could you put an ad on Craigslist or a sign at a pet shop?
Pat, my heart broke for you as I read your letter to Irene. I watched as my own mom began to isolate herself while battling chronic illness later in her life — and I saw how being with people and getting good care from her doctor were a great help to her.
So I am hoping you’ll be able to follow Irene’s advice here. Starting with a good doctor, you can learn how your health problems are impacting your outlook, and how to make improvements. Though you are chronically ill, 69 is still young, in my book, and there’s hope for your future if you believe in that. A good doctor can also direct you to the mental health care you may need — I would ask for referrals appropriate to your situation.
I am not sure what resources are available in your community. But where I live, the senior community centers provide transportation to homebound seniors — and many other perks and resources that I was unaware of until my mother needed them. There are many programs for seniors who need company, from book discussion groups to cooking classes and more. You may have to do some homework to find out — but I’d start with a phone call to your nearest senior center, if there is one, and tell them of your needs.
I also learned, while caring for my mom, that our local hospital provided special outreach groups for seniors and caregivers. Again, it’s worth a phone call to see what it available there.
It can be hard to reach out when you’re depressed. But even the smallest effort might make you feel productive and lifted. Best of luck to you!
The first thing that came to my mine when reading your letter was: Assisted Living Facility.
I have a chronic illnesses and have a difficult time leaving the house when my condition flares. I don’t have family and only a few of my friends and no one in my family lives within 15 minutes of me. I get how difficult and isolating that can be. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to go to assisted living. My grandmother had vehemently resisted going. Once she was there she LOVED it–from the restaurant style meals, to the van trips, to the arts&crafts, cards and bingo. I’m looking forward to being old enough to go.
Are you a member of AARP? They have all kinds of free and discounted services. Yearly costs are $16. I just joined a few months ago, when I became eligible and I’ve already make up the cost discount savings.
Have you talked to your doctor about depression? One thing I noticed about your letter is that you seem to feel very hurt and like you’ve been victimized by people in your life. Even when this is the case, friends and family are often more reluctant to spent time with others who are in a negative place, because those negative feelings can bring them down. I’m not suggesting this is the case for you, I just know for me I want to spend more time with people when it feels like a choice rather than a chore out of guilt or obligation.
That’s my problem! my life sucks & I share it with other people and there’s nothing they can do to make it better its like hopeless so they just rather stay away from me I don’t blame them. I’m doomed at 54. Divorced after getting B.Cancer after a 30 yr. Marriage to an Emotional & psych.abuser.
I’m clinically depressed. No friends, kids won’t visit cause I’m so neg. I’ve lost hope & have no will to change.
Life.sucks!
Hi Josie, I didn’t want your comment to get buried here. Even though you may have situational reasons for your depression, I hope you’re receiving treatment.
Best, Irene
Hello Pat,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry and sad to hear of your situation. For me your message is not too long and I could have read on and on.Your message needs to be told.
I have not read Irene comments yet with not wanting to be influenced by what she has written. That to both of you is not meant in a rude way.
From how I see it I think a care home would be a great advantage to you with living on your own under those circumstances.You would have company when you need it and be cared for.You sound a great character and very interesting.Under the sad mask you are shroud yourself in is a lovely person,who is, like you say lonely.
However you are very well written,something that I am not. So you do have that going for you. Please do not think I am being crass but have you thought of writing books or poetry for a living? You sound so amazing.
On this site you will find loads of help. This last two weeks I also have been depressed. It doesn’t help at this time of the year when people are full of excitement and themselves, what with Christmas and then New Year. For me just reading all the different replies given to people who write in is a tonic for me. I never thought this time last week that I could do another reply but I have, to you. So I say thank you Pat. May I wish you happiness from today. Lottie
Hello Pat i totally relate to how you are feeling and your situation .I wish i lived near you and could come and visit but i live quite a bit away in england but hey we can still talk like this I am a bit slow doing e mails ,i have only just learnt how to do this a few weeks ago . I am 60 i cant believe it when i say that i think where have all those years gone Anyway i have health problems getting around is difficult i have a bad back and knees dont work as they used to i have never had many friends i wish i had , my four children kept me busy now they have left home i feel a bit redundant a lot really , and making friends gets harder the older you get .Anyway please write back it would be lovely to hear from you. Angela
Hi Pat,
I have read this your post long after the you first posted. I so hope that you have gotten help, and you and your kitties are safe. I love my animals too and I worry about them if something happens to me. I have made provision for them but that doesn’t me people will always follow my wishes. I am in my 60’s, widowed, no children and I worry about the future, so I know how scary it can be. Just hope things are better for you now.