High school friendships: The way things were
High school friendships are ripe for change because people grow in different directions.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I am a senior in high school and have a group of friends, which consists of me and four other girls. We have all been together as a group since eighth grade but now I feel as if our group is slowly breaking apart. Either no one is noticing or we are all just ignoring it out of insecurity.
We used to do everything together but lately I have been so caught up in challenging courses at school, school clubs, and extracurriculars that I don’t have the time I once had to hang out with them. I really love these girls but I feel as if we are totally different people now and that our group is slowly becoming more of two small groups of friends.
I know two of the girls in the group are angry at me and have been talking about me on social media sites, not addressed to me directly but what they said was clearly about me. They describe me as being snobby and a know-it all and said I think I am better than everybody else.
I don’t know how to approach this conflict and quite honestly I don’t even know if I want to stay friends with those two girls anymore just for the fact that whenever we all hang out as a group they are super obnoxious, loud, rude, and make me feel excluded. These two girls have also been spending time together without the rest and not telling us about it, in fact they try to hide it! Normally I am very upfront when I have a problem with someone but this is entirely different and I don’t know how to manage my dilemma without it ending ugly.
I really just want things to go back the way they used to be where we could all hang out together and laugh and have a good time but it feels as if that is possible. Could you please give me some advice as to what to do?
Sincerely, Alexis
ANSWER
Hi Alexis.
It’s impossible to go back to the way things were because you and your friends have changed. The end of high school is often a period of transition when people follow different paths, attend different universities, and make new friends. While it’s a beautiful thing to have maintained positive relationships with this group of peers since eighth grade, it sounds like some of these relationships are no longer positive — and that’s normal.
Begin the process of separating yourself from those high school friendships that aren’t working now, because it’s going to happen anyway. As for the trash talk that’s going on, be above it. Don’t engage in it yourself, and maintain your dignity and self-worth by acknowledging that sometimes friendships don’t last forever.
If you can still spend time with one or more of these friends (positive time, that is where no one is being spoken about or hurt in any way) go for it. It might work to spend less time together, to spend the time doing different things, and to see them one-on-on. And if the conversation comes up about you distancing yourself, answer honestly. You love them and wish things were the same but you see their lives and yours changing and growing.
Hope this helps!
Best, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about high school friendships:
- A fickle high school friendship
- No social life in high school: My part-time friends
- My daughter feels like an outcast at school: What should I do?
- Lonely in high school
- A teen asks: Why are friendships so fleeting
Category: Teen friendships
I recently reunited with my BFF from grade school all through college; we lost touch after that. So, you never know what can happen in the future! Of course, our friendship is not the same now, partly due to distance and partly because we are different people and there’s no continuity. But it is so comforting to have her back in my life.