Helping Teens Set Boundaries with Needy Friends
How do you help a teen set boundaries when they have needy friends that drag them down?
QUESTION
Hello!
My 15-year-old daughter is in a tricky situation. Her friend has just lost her dad, but my daughter is feeling overwhelmed by this friend’s neediness. The problem is that my daughter felt somewhat suffocated by this friendship before the loss!
The friend is 18, but has had a very secluded life, is homeschooled, has no other real friends, and acts more like a 13-year-old. She lives about an hour away from us in a very rural setting, but comes in to town for errands, etc. My daughter wants to help, but this friend, who is an only child, mainly wants to talk about herself. The interesting thing is that she does not seem to want to talk about her loss.
I think this girl is sweet, but she needs more than my daughter can give. We are setting boundaries, e.g. not daily phone calls, etc., but I think this girl needs more than my daughter can give right now; I think she could benefit from counseling. We want to help, not hurt, but this is such a very fine line we are walking.
Signed,
Concerned Mom
ANSWER
Dear Concerned Mom,
This sounds like an unfortunate situation and a tricky one for you and your daughter. Your concern that your daughter may be in over her head is well placed.
It sounds like you have had a frank and open discussion with your daughter—which is an important first step—and she agrees that she wants to step back a bit from the friendship.
Explain to your daughter that as much as she cares, her friend needs more help than you and your family can provide. Encourage her to balance this friendship with other ones.
Since the friend doesn’t attend school, perhaps you can speak to the surviving parent, express your condolences, and tell her how difficult this must be for her family. Suggest that it could be helpful for her reach out to her church or to a grief support group for guidance on how to help her daughter get over this loss.
I also posed this question to Barbara Greenberg, PhD, a specialist in adolescent psychology for a second opinion. Dr. Greenberg is co-author of Teenage as a Second Language.
Here is her advice:
Needy friends are difficult to have in times of calm and even more so when they are experiencing stress or other psychological turmoil. One characteristic of good friendships that often gets lost in the sauce is that friendships should be characterized by reciprocity. Your daughter is not really doing either herself or her friend any good by tolerating a friendship that is so lopsided. The needy friend may believe that this is the nature of a truly good friendship unless someone is kind enough to point her in the right direction, that is, away from talking only about herself.
Clearly, it may not be easy for your daughter to explain this to her friend. This situation does provide you as a parent with an opportunity to talk to your daughter about how to best deliver potentially painful feedback. And this is how it’s done-with kindness, calm, and with a self-check that includes asking yourself if you are coming from a place of good intention. If the answer is yes, then support your daughter in speaking honestly with her friend.
Hope this helps!!
Best,
Irene
Other posts on The Friendship Blog about teen friendships:
A Teen Asks: Why are friendship so fleeting?
Nothing but Trouble: Mom can’t stand her teens BFF
Teen daughter with not one close friend
Painful teen friendships: What’s a mom to do?
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
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