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Handling jealousy over my lesbian partner’s relationships with men

Published: December 10, 2012 | Last Updated: December 10, 2012 By | 3 Replies Continue Reading
Excessive jealousy can unintentionally create distance between friends and partners.


Hi Irene,

I have been with my partner for 18 months and we were getting on great at the beginning. We fell in love and she gave me all the attention I needed. All of a sudden this attention stopped.

Now when we go out at night, I get terribly jealous of her talking to men and I can’t seem to control my feelings about this when I have had a drink. We end up arguing and falling out. It’s gotten to the point now where I’m going to lose her.

I don’t get any reassurance from her, which makes me worse. She now thinks I’m a control freak, I disagree I have no issues with her talking to women at all. I just have this insecurity with men. I don’t know what to do. I need help.

Signed, Heather


Dear Heather,

First, you need to reflect on your own role in what’s happened in your relationship, and then discuss your feelings with your partner—while you are both sober.

When people first meet, they are more likely to be attentive to one another. As partners become more familiar and used to each other, for better or worse, they generally feel more comfortable and complacent about showering each other with attention.

In this case, your jealousy may have created distance between you and your partner, making her feel less attentive towards you. She knows you don’t trust her, which can’t make her feel good about your relationship. Unfortunately, you are unable to express these feelings directly unless you are inebriated.

I’m not sure why you trust your partner with other women but not with men. Has she acted in any way to violate your trust? Is there anything in your own history that would make you uncomfortable about another woman’s relationships with men?

It is really important that the two of you have an honest talk when you are both relaxed if you want to save this relationship.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene


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Category: Gay friends, OTHER ADVICE

Comments (3)

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  1. Marie says:

    It sounds like you have two problems. One, is expecting the honeymoon phase of the relationship to last forever. The start of relationships, especially women loving women relationship, are often full of non stop texting, get together, and marathon sessions. The problem with this is that once the honey moon phase clears, it often reveals who the co dependant one in the relationship is. In this case, you.
    Petty Jealousy and resentment is the death of relationships by a thousand paper cuts.
    You’re an adult. It’s not her job to reassure you, and it’s not her job to be the victim of your emotional battery by means of over projecting.
    I’m bi and in the past, lesbians I’ve dated would constantly be insecure about me having male or female friends. I’ve been in many relationships with both men and women, and I’ve never cheated, nor do I ever need a man or other gendered partner to fulfill me down the line. But slowly over time, she would get more and more jealous. I refused to allow her clingy needy baby act to control me.
    I’m the kind of person that needs a lot of personal me, alone time. And when I would try to take that time for myself, she would constantly sabotage that. Bombarded me with text messages when she knew I wanted space. Im talking a few hours or maybe just a day to myself here or there. Nothing crazy. If I texted I was busy, she would invasively ask all sorts of questions. And then keep texting randomly.

    If I asked her to stop texting me for the rest of the day, she would cry and ask why, and make it about her feelings and needs, completely rolling over and dismiss mine.

    She would always want to know my days off in advance and want to plan something for every one of them. Eventually her pushiness and emotional battery became too much.

    If I made plans with a friend, she would always try to invite herself and ask me 20 million questions about who my friends were, how I knew them, if I’d ever has sex with them and on and on.

    One friend was my best friend growing up who is the only friend I have since grade school, and we see each other once every 2 years for a quick lunch. We were never sexual. Of course little miss insecure couldn’t back off. She insisted on coming. I told her no. Then to punish me,she texted me literally non stop throughout my entire lunch to the point of where I just broke up with her and blocked her. She just couldn’t respect my personal time or friendships with anyone.

    She always questioned me in a way that constantly made me have to constantly defend myself.i felt like I couldn’t breathe and was going insane.

    Then to add insult to injury, she lied to our group of friends and told them I was cheating on her with my old grade school friend,(my friend is 1000 percent straight), and I was branded one of those greedy cheating bisexuals. And even though it wasn’t true, I ended up losing our main group of mostly lesbian friends. Which sucked even more.

    You need to learn to let things chill and breathe. You should be doing at least one hobby, twice a week and meeting up with your own friends at least once a week without involving your s/o or texting them. If you at least a few hours or half a day without having to text, you are co dependant and need serious therapy.

  2. Ann says:

    I can somewhat relate to the scenario of feeling jealous when a partner shows interest in males. However, my experiences of jealousy were thwarted by the fact that my female partner(s) would not focus on me, or would prioritize giving a male attention while on a date with me. Regardless of her intentions to make a new buddy, fulfill her needy quota of male attention for the day or whatever, she was not respecting me, she was not right. Just because a male speaks to your partner it is not respectful for her to drop everything just make sure he is paid attention to.. especially if she is out with you!
    There are many women that call themselves lesbians that have this extreme need for male attention and bow down when one speaks to them regardless of the cost. At the same rate, it’s very difficult to not let feelings get hurt to the point you have to defend yourself of your personal rights and boundaries. That’s when you cut your losses and realize that’s not the right person for you.
    One common thread among the females that possess this type of behavior are bipolar disorder and commonly with adhd. More than likely they possess many unresolved issues from childhood and typically are not likely to admit fault or that they have a problem.

  3. Amy says:

    I’m lesbian too. Reading through your letter two points caught my eye “attention I needed” and expecting her to reassure you. This makes me wonder if, perhaps, you’re looking toward her to solve internal needs (or neediness) that might be better addressed through therapy.
    I’ve always had close guy friends, and there has never bee anything sexual about these relationships. I have zero physical attraction to men and these friendships would not have been possible if there was sexual tension.
    I would be frustrated if my wife/partner/gf didn’t trust me, or know me enough to realize this.
    Has this happened in previous relationships? Do you know if there’s a reason you don’t trust men–abuse, previous bad experiences, etc.
    I think it’s great you realize that you’re creating the problem (though I’m sure she’s not perfect), because then you can address it. I agree with Irene about having a good discussion with your gf. Open communication, in my experience, makes or breaks relationships.

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