Good friends until he told her he was attracted to her
Can a men and a women remain good friends? Only if both people agree it’s possible and want to make it work.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
So this girl and me were friends for over seven years. I never was attracted to her until she had a major bad breakup with her boyfriend. I was always there for her when she was going through hard times, and during this period I found myself getting attracted to her.
I waited months and months and one day when we were drinking I told her I had feelings for her. Huge mistake! She didn’t feel the same way. Now things are weird between us and we don’t even speak.
She told me we should keep distance and space and time is needed! I respect her decision but I really miss her so much. It’s the little things I miss the most! How do I fix this problem? I refuse to give up! Please, some advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Signed, Jack
ANSWER
Hi Jack,
Sounds like it was a really nice friendship when you were both on the same wavelength. When you expressed your romantic feelings, your friend became uncomfortable.
Perhaps, it would have been better had you told her how you feel when you both weren’t drinking…although the outcome may have been the same.
After so much time together as platonic friends, this may have come as a shock. And although months had passed since her breakup, it may not have been long enough for her to think about getting involved with someone else.
You can’t make her have the same type of feelings for you that you have for her but you can see if she is interested in having a platonic relationship with you. Perhaps, you can explain that although you have romantic feelings, you don’t have to and won’t act upon them if she doesn’t share them. You might even write her a brief note telling her this and letting her know that you miss the friendship you had. Very coincidentally, this video popped into my mailbox this evening. It might be worth a look.
Hope this helps!
Best, Irene
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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
Jack
Too bad things are weird and she won’t even speak; hopefully, all she needs is time. I wonder if when you told her you thought about her possible reactions and whether you were almost completely sober. If I wanted to tell a guy I liked him, I’d do it if I’d seen similar signs from him. I wouldn’t take a chance if he were really behaving like only a friend.
It’s possible, I hope, that she’ll feel comfortable continuing a friendship after knowing this. Still, she’s probably feeling self-conscious and she can’t help looking at you differently now because you’ve tipped your hand. You can assure her you’ll act like a friend only, be a gentleman, and respect her.
I hope she can get back to feeling she wants your friendship back. Sorry you miss her and the little things.
Jack,
You have the burden of romantic feelings that she doesn’t share. Be honest to yourself if you’ll be happy and satisfied if you know that your feelings are not and will not be reciprocated. I know the hurt and pain of losing a platonic friendship (for whatever reasons) that you once thought was sustainable through mutual effort and attention. When one or the other suddenly shuts down and the strain overwhelms the genuine ease, comfort, and warmth that once existed, it’s not fair to you or to her to force something that isn’t or couldn’t be there.
Failed expectations are disappointing, and unless you can both maturely communicate what you want from the now shifted friendship, be ready to grieve a loss.
Hi Jack,
Sounds to me like your friend was caught off guard by your revelation.
If I were you, before you think about reaching out to your friend, I’d spend some time thinking about whether you can be satisfied with a platonic relationship. Think about how you’ll respect her boundaries and whether you will be comfortable.
Then if you decide to write to your friend, you’ll be more genuine.
If she decides to resume the relationship, be extra careful to refrain from flirty behavior of anything that can be misinterpreted, even if you communicated like that before you disclosed your romantic feelings.
Good luck.