Giving friends a second chance after a divorce
On a friendship after a divorce
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
Three and a half years ago I left my husband. We divorced amicably and have a collaborative and supportive co-parenting relationship. There was no affair but I met someone while married, whom I started dating after my separation but before my divorce.
In the wake of the separation, I lost my best friend, Maya, of seven years. We had been friends since college and bonded over both being teachers and both having difficult marriages. I really needed Maya’s support but she made it clear that she thought what I was doing was terribly wrong. The friendship ended quite definitively, it was hurtful and I have no interest in revisiting it.
My ex-husband, Maya, and I had the same group of college friends that I was close to before the divorce. I’ve lost touch with that group, either because they were closer with my ex-husband or because we just drifted apart over time. However, there’s one friend, Jo, whom I feel great regret about not keeping up with. She has initiated contact periodically over the last three years; I haven’t always reciprocated because I know she’s close to Maya. Maya even told me, when our friendship ended, that much of her anger with me was because of things Jo told her.
Now, I regret I let this friendship with Jo lapse and don’t know how to go about rekindling it. I feel awkward and I’m afraid Jo may believe some of the terrible things Maya has said about me. Also, I don’t know how to explain why I was distant without bringing up Maya. Jo is very sensitive and I know it would hurt her to think she inadvertently brought on the demise of my friendship with Maya. She’s still very much a part of the group of college friends and I feel like the outsider now.
Should I contact Jo and try to explain the reason for my distance or do I just let this friendship go?
Thank you, Kate
ANSWER
Hi Kate,
For a variety of reasons, it’s common for some friendships to fall apart after a divorce. If you regret losing Jo’s friendship, let her know why you’ve been standoffish. Tell her that you were going through a difficult time after the divorce and regret have lost some friendships as a result—and that it took you time to recoup.
Let her know you were always fond of her and that you hope you can resurrect the friendship you had. You don’t need to go into the details of what she may or may not have said in the past. This happened quite some time ago and either Jo will have forgotten the specifics or decided that they have no impact on your friendship now.
If she does harbor ill thoughts as Maya said, she may reject your overtures but that isn’t likely since she has tried to initiate contact. Take it one step at a time and try to stay clear of any discussion about Maya, which would only make you and Jo uncomfortable.
You have little to lose and everything to gain by giving this friendship a second chance.
My best, Irene
Other posts on The Friendship Blog about friendship and divorce:
- Can collateral damage be avoided in a breakup?
- Help! My best friend is driving me crazy
- Friendship by the Book: Pieces of Happily Ever After
Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS
You have nothing to lose by contacting her. I’d let go of the she said, she said before contacting Jo, because unless you hear something directly, you can never truly be sure. Don’t talk about Maya or your ex, focus on you and Jo and make a point of looking forward, not back. If you speak of them, Jo will feel in the middle. If she brings them up, ask that you keep the focus off them and that she not speak of you to them. Establishing and maintaining strong boundaries is the best way to insure you and Jo have a healthy relationship, if she’s interested. Good luck! I hope it works out,
I would suggest that you talk with Jo and improve the friendship that has existed with her earlier. You said that she is sensitive and the fact that she has been the cause for the breaking of friendship might her. Don’t let her know the fact. If she has told something wrong about you to Maya, it is just because she considers you to be her friend. Your friend Jo is something treasurable. do not lose her.
http://alightheartedtalk.blogspot.com/2011/01/once-possessed-common-things-becoming.html