When a girl’s best friend is a guy friend
A reader asks what she should do when her guy friend chooses his girlfriend over her.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have this guy best friend, well used to have one anyways. When he got a girlfriend, she said that he could not be friends with me or my other bestie, Hannah. I don’t know what to do.
I want to confront his girlfriend about this. But he did this to me once before, then she said he could talk to us, then she changed her mind, and then they broke up. One day later, they got back together, and now he sent me this:
Hey, Val, I’ve done the before. I’m choosing my girlfriend and this is the last time. She’s the love of my life I want to be with her and I gotta let go of you and Hannah because if you guys stay, she won’t…and I want her in my life so goodbye.
I don’t know what to do 🙁
Signed, Val
ANSWER
Hi Val,
Let your guy friend out of his misery. It sounds like his girlfriend doesn’t like him having female friends and, for whatever reason, he isn’t able or doesn’t want to work out this problem with her.
In this case, tell your guy friend that you wish him well in his relationship and stay clear of his girlfriend. He is the one with whom you had a relationship.
Yes, it’s possible for a woman to have a guy friend as one of their best friends but the boundaries need to be clear and acceptable to everyone involved: you, him and her.
I would strongly encourage you to read some of the earlier posts on the blog about this topic. I’ve pasted several links below.
Best, Irene
Other posts on The Friendship Blog about opposite-sex friendships:
- Can men and women just be friends?
- Three Rules for Opposite Sex Friendships
- We could be great platonic friends, if only
- When remaining just friends is tough
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
tanja is right…there cannot be a true friendship between a male and a female.a guy can be friends with a girl if he”s gay or not attracted to her, or she beleives he is just a friend, but he secretly has a crush on her!…it”s simple human nature!!
I’ve always had close male friends. I can tell you right now none of my friends, male or female, would put up with a partner telling them who they could and could not have as friends. Your friend sounds weak, and he’s not a good friend if he allows his girlfriend to dictate his friendships. Maybe he’s a wimp, but even so I would move on. No good can come from confronting the girlfriend. My guess is the relationship won’t last, because it’s not a healthy dynamic. When he does, you’ll have to decide whether you want a friend who is willing to ditch you if his girlfriend (or wife) says so. I wouldn’t, no matter how much I liked my friend. I don’t do friendships with drama any more, and I have more self respect than settling for someone who thinks that little of me he’s willing to ditch me for a partner.
Hi Val,
In my experience, it is hard to be friends with the opposite sex. I have had a guy best friend before. We met in high school. We were always platonic friends. When boyfriends and girlfriends came into the picture, our friendship was often put on hold. Well, when we were mid 20’s, we finally kissed for the first time. He said that he had always liked me, he could not say it in high school, but the thoughts were always there. I felt weird. I turned him down and told him we were just friends. Well, late 20’s came along and I got married, he was at my wedding. But, when I got pregnant, he made a comment that made me upset. When I apologized for blowing it out of proportion and that I was just hormonal, he decided to never talk to me again. It has been years and we still have not talked and it was over something so little. But, he told my sister, it was harder for him to forgive me because he has always had a thing for me and now I am married and have a child. So, in reality, men and women can never be good friends. When you do marry and have children, your husband will be your best friend and you will hopefully make friends with other couple’s that have children and you meet at playgroups or in the park. That is how life goes, nothing lasts forever.