Gambling and friendship
A friendship is threatened over a dispute about a gambling jackpot.
QUESTION
Hi,
My girlfriend of twenty odd years used my gambling card. I added some money onto the card and said if she won, we’d split it 50/50. The first time it was fine.
She kept my card until last Thursday. When she invited me to go with her, I declined. But I did ask her to bet for me.
Well, she called all excited to tell me she had won!! I needed to come with her to collect the money, as my identification and secret pin was required.
When I inquired about the amount we won 50/50. Her expression said it all but then she said, “I didn’t think you’d ask for 50%. It wasn’t your money that won the jackpot.”
I reminded her of our previous agreement, which she said was only “for that first time!”
Then I asked if me taking the 50% would that affect our friendship. “No, it wouldn’t…I just wasn’t expecting you to ask
for 50%.”
She also lied to me about the amount that she won because at the claim counter it was higher than the original amount she told me. I gave her 2/3 and took 1/3 for me. I feel that this has dampened our long-standing friendship. She’s cold-shouldered me. I enjoy our times and our circle of friends… although there have been times she has been caught out… just not sure what to do. Please help.
Signed, Tara
ANSWER
Hi Tara,
When financial agreements aren’t in writing, it often leads to confusion.
You thought you were sharing the jackpot and your friend thought it was all hers. It’s unfortunate you weren’t able to discuss what happened and negotiate a resolution acceptable to you both. Additionally, it had to be upsetting to find out your friend lied about the amount of the pot.
She may have “cold-shouldered” you either because she truly believes the money was all hers or because she was embarrassed about lying and being found out.
You have several choices moving forward:
- To back off from the friendship and maintain only a cursory relationship because you have friends in common;
- To ignore what happened and muddle through your friendship;
- To try to resolve the misunderstanding.
Some people might feel that they no longer could trust this friend. Only you can know how you feel about your friend after this happened.
If you still value this friendship, given it’s long history, my advice would be have a heart-to-heart conversation that allows you both to understand what happened and put it behind you.
In addition to putting a damper on the friendship, I’m sure this unfortunate incident has taught you a painful lesson about money and friendship.
Best, Irene
Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS
Hi my name is Morgan and I have a problem with one of my friends. We had a big fight today because I told her I like a boy in my school and two of my other friend that are the same grade with me told me that she is telling everyone in the middle school but my friend in the 8th grade like me were lying the whole time. My friend from 7th grade is still mad at me for thinking she the one that told the whole school but I found out that my friend from 8th grade was lying and told every body. But I have my friend email but is not replying back and I am getting worried about her I didn’t mean to hurt her I said sorry four times. but my friend from 7th grade said she dealing with stuff and I said I would do anything for u t be friend again but she still seems upset. what should I. I love her very much she knows that I care about her and her feels I never want to hurt again
like I did because I am in love with my best friend but she does not know it but she in 7th grade and I am in 8th grade I feel scared to tell her I feel about her
No I would not be giving her a second chance.Nor any heart to hearts. What for, she lied through greed. If she was having a hard time why not mention it before. Too much of a coincidence that she won a substantial amount and was having a hard time.How many times has she lied before and not been found out? You and her have built a relationship but she is not straight just bent,so you can’t trust her ever again,and under the circumstances I would not even look at her unless with a blank face.I am sure you must be hurt and that I am sorry about,but move on and mix real friends. Good luck. Lottie
First off, I don’t blame you for being furious with your best friend, Tara, because what she did was WRONG!! She could have been honest with you about her finances, so there could be more to the story, than what she’s telling you.
I agree with Irene’s statement, by confronting your best friend face-to-face, instead of confronting her over the telephone. If she does have issues with her finances, you could give her some resources. If she’s having a difficult time with money, the two of you can definitely work it out. Besides, your best friend needs to come clean about her actions, and provide you an explanation-since she does owe you that. If she continues to be a liar, then it’s best that you should keep your distance.
Why bother being friends with someone that can’t be trusted?
She is just an out and out liar.How can you ever trust her again.I would want her out of my life and would not be smiling if I met her,but turn the other way. She is sneaky and greedy,she knew what the arrangement was.Pity that you spent 20yrs not knowing her,how very sad that greed got the better of her. Sorry but she sounds the pits and I feel for you.It is not all about the money but the fact she is a cheat with regard just for herself,your feelings have been trampled,she is so cheap.She wont forget what she has done I hope it haunts her,when she thinks of the good friend you were.Thank goodness it wasn’t something more serious than money.This post is the worst I have replied to. Good luck and take care. You deserve better. Lottie
Personally I think the only conversation that needs to happen at this point is “It’s time for you to get your own gambling card.”
Exactly. Do not lend credit cards, debit cards or any card with monetary value. It’s plain common sense.
When you have a falling out with a friend and you’re both part of a social circle, things can feel awkward. Do you think it’s possible your friend has a gambling or other addiction problem? Is she under financial stress? These situations don’t excuse her lying, but they might show a more complete side of why she felt the need to lie. When she’s been caught out before, was money also involved?
I like Irene’s idea of having a face to face conversation. I wouldn’t try to do this over the phone or electronically. Use “I” statements and avoid sounding judgmental. “I’m confused why you told me a lower amount for the jackpot than it was. Is everything ok? Are you having money problems?” If she is having money problems as a result of addiction, offer to help her find resources like Gambler’s Anonymous. Or she might be in denial and say she doesn’t have a problem even if she does. Then at least you know she’s not in a place where she can be a friend. If she’s having money problems, stress that you wish she had told you and something could have been worked out.
Go to the conversation with an open mind and be sure not to put her on the defensive. If she’s just a liar, you can decide to be distant but friendly when you see each other at group activities.
Dear Irene and fellow members. Thank you for all your valuable advise and guidance. There is a history of financial ignorance, she always feels the need to keep up with the “Jones’s”, myself and another close friend in our social network are both aware of her antics regarding “splurging…”, I’m not sure whether she’s pulled this stunt with anyone else in our social network – no ones talking… I’ve taken my card from her. I’m not sure if she realises the gravity of her reaction/true colours to the initial problem, after chatting with her. Going forward, I’m giving her a second chance – Yes, just feel that everyone deserves one. I steer clear of conversations revolving around Gambling or Casino. So time will tell where our relationship goes from here.