Friendship on the rocks: She’s never invited to the parties

Published: December 23, 2009 | Last Updated: December 23, 2009 By | 5 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I met my best friend at a small restaurant where we both used to work. Even after I quit, Dee and I were very close and talked on the phone two or three times a day. We knew every personal detail of each other’s lives. She used to tell me you are lucky to get one good friend in a lifetime and that I was her one true friend.

 

The bizarre problem: During the 15 years that I’d known Dee, she has had parties and never invited me. This included a party of 300 for her daughter’s graduation. She also had a jewelry party and I love jewelry–but she told me about it the next day. I did confront her and stopped talking to her a couple of times because of this. Her excuses were evasive like you don’t know my daughter, or blame my husband because he mailed the invites. One year she even lied to me about passing out candy at Halloween so we wouldn’t stop there. Then, the next day she told me she only passed out candy for an hour.

 

Towards the end of our friendship, at 5:30PM one evening, Dee invited me to a psychic party that was scheduled to start at 6PM. She said that she needed seven people or would have to pay $35 for each one who didn’t show. I told her I would have come if I had been given proper notice. Then she said, "Don’t say I never invite you then."

 

Without this stupid problem, we had a very good and very strong friendship. I really miss my friend but I don’t know how this problem could be solved. The last time I talked to her she was having a jewelry party and I know she could sense the anger in my voice when I heard about it. We both hung up that day and I didn’t call and neither did she. That was last year. I was hoping you could help me.

 

Signed,
Carla

 

ANSWER

 

Hi Carla,

Dee has definitely drawn lines in the sand and relegated your relationship to one corner of her life. When something is so hard to fathom, it is usually because you are missing some piece of vital information (Think of it like trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece.)

 

In this case, I can think of three possibilities:


• There’s something about you that makes Dee feel so uncomfortable so she doesn’t want you involved with her family or other friends;

• She is uncomfortable about some aspect of her own life that she hasn’t chosen to share with you; or

• She has divulged something to you that she wants kept secret from her family and acquaintances.

 

Whatever the reason, this is more than a "stupid problem" because Dee lied, deceived, and hurt you–multiple times–rather than tell you the truth. Oddly, the way she chose to handle your friendship is reminiscent of someone carrying on an adulterous affair.

 

Since so much time has elapsed since your last contact with her, my best advice would be to let go, tell yourself you don’t want that kind of friendship, and focus on nurturing healthier relationships than this one.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I have had a similar problem with a friend. She would always want to hang out one-on-one and talk, laugh, tell me her problems. But she would never invite me out with her friends, and would even have small parties or a get-together but wouldn’t invite me. Yet, she would always tell me about it. So I know she wasn’t purposely trying to hide it from me when she wouldn’t invite me. Strange… I could never figure it out.

    • Valerie says:

      Yep! I just ended a 14 year friend ship w a woman who kept telling me ” oh we should def make plans and hang out more ” and then every weekend I see she’s here and there with everyone else and never invites me… I’m only good for lunches once or twice a year … Screw them! Can’t stand fake people

  2. zubair mooaz says:

    Nice …
    RentAFriend.com is a brand new website that helps people “Rent a Friend”. Not only can you rent the time of a Friend you can also find a Friend who can teach you a new skill, talent, hobby or more. It’s a great way to meet new people, make new friends, and learn something new

  3. Dawn says:

    I found this so interesting and sad, Irene. Your comment, “When something is so hard to fathom, it is usually because you are missing some piece of vital information” struck a chord with me. I have a friend who I just can’t figure out and I wonder what is going on that I don’t know about.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I know how this feels. I was extremely hurt and shocked when one of my closest friends didn’t invite me to her 40th. She later apologized and made some excuse about not having kids there and me not wanting to come without the kids. I did forgive her but it always stuck in my mind. Our friendship fell apart over something else some 3 years later but I should’ve looked at the warning signs that she wasn’t very committed to the friendship.

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