From the Friendship Forums – Signs Your Best Friend is Becoming Your Worst Enemy
This is another post written by a reader in The Friendship Forums
section of this blog. Thanks "Peppercat" for your list of warning
signs that your best friend is becoming your worst enemy.
Keep in mind, that like love, BFFs can
go bad on you. Don’t do what I have done and give them the benefit of the doubt
for too long! The signs:
1. She goes out of her way to passionately
dislike everything you like, from movies and music to your significant other.
2. If you are single and not having luck
with the boys, she will tell you your taste in men is out of your league. If
you are finding challenges in your career, she will tell you to not set your
sights too high — any excuse to marginalize you. She also may say such
pedantic things like, "God doesn’t think you’re ready for (the good job,
marriage).
3. Some of her other friends who are in
her circle, but not yours, show an open disdain for you, or treat you like your
friend’s hired help and try to boss you around.
4. She will start putting you down in
front of friends and strangers.
5.
She will not only tell you that your
mutual friends don’t like you, are mad at you, or finding your character
questionable, but if there is any truth to her reports, they are often and
usually greatly exaggerated.
6.
She voices unwarranted fears that you
will be stalking her or sabotaging her.
7. She will intentionally and deliberately
forget your birthday and other milestones, while "going big" and
spoiling both your mutual friends and her new friends who are probably going to
be your replacement
8.
She will start arguing with you about
incidents that happened in the past, or conversations she walked in on half
way.
9. She will dis-invite you to events that
may have been on the calendar for weeks.
10. She
will send you articles about being a better friend with the implication you are
being the bad friend, when you know you’ve given so much of yourself.
11. "You’re
not eating those fries, are you?" she says. I call it the "friendship
tax": She becomes bossy and demands you give her things she feels you no
longer need. If you are given something she wants, she will try to bully you
into giving it to her. If you split something, she will take the bigger half.
12. If
she borrows money or possessions from you, she will take forever to pay you
back and be indignant when you ask her to pay up, and give you the "don’t
you trust me" lecture
13. In
conversation with a group, she will suddenly get uncomfortable if you casually
refer to her as your best friend or BFF.
14. Mutual
friends who care will inform you she was gossiping about you, and they may have
come to your defense.
15. If
she is doing better professionally than you are, she will constantly remind you
of that.
16. She
will make friends with your ex-bosses, ex boyfriends and others who may have
caused trouble so they can revel in their mutual dislike of you.
Don’t be surprised if she resurfaces in
a few years to apologize. Politely acknowledge it and move on.
Have you had a friend turn on you?
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
Same story, over and over, I’ve been betrayed by both BFF, Ex, and family members. that’s why you have to learn to become your own best friend. When i detect a poison in my life, I just act like i’m too busy to even talk to them and if they ask, be very vague about my personal life and if they get too nosy, I just act like my life sucks and be a depressing person so they would avoid me and stop asking.. and as time passes by, they disappear and become distant memories. When sh!t gets bad, don’t dig yourself deeper, start walking away as naturally as possible. Save yourself the headache and therapy and start planning your breakup strategy.
I had a BBF I knew since we were kids. She would lie to me all the time and say it was because she was jealous. She would have me believe that someone was mad at me for years, because she was jealous . SHe would tell me years late they were lies, Later on in adulthood, if I text her she won’t answer. If I call her on the phone. She wouldn’t answer . She once told me never date a man that loves one of your friends. Then she married a man that was originally in love with me. She told me I was like her sister, but she always spoke to her sisters. If something bad happen she would call me because she wanted someone to talk to and maybe come by and sit and talk about the situation she was sad about. Then she would go back to the ignoring me again. If she was suppose to meet me for my birthday, she would cancel and say she wanted to work. She did that two years in a row. I’m over 40 now and I wish I had gotten rid of her years ago. I recently unfriend her on face book and when she calls or text I know longer respond. She recently had a birthday and she invited me, but I told her I couldn’t come. ITS toxic to have a friend that not there for you and jealous of you, because they won’t look out for you and will watch you as you do all the wrong thing and not say a word.
Hello. I know how u feel right now. I have known my bff since we were kids to. We even were in the same class. She was shy and couldn’t talk to anyone but me. I helped her get over this and talk with the other classmates and she did. But as soon as she got rid of her shynes she started to get all the classmates against me. But i never knew why. Later on when they no longer talkrd to them she came to me and asked for forgivnes wich 8 gave her and turned out to be the biggest mistake ever. She kept doing that for years and she still does it and i forgive her every single time. Lst year i asked her to cone with te to my swimming training and she liked it and became a part of our swimming club. But there is something i didn’t mention, that she is very jealoz and there are no words to describe her. Anyway she managed to get all the friends of the swim club against me again. But this time she talked to me as nothing happened and told me another girl did it. I didnt stop talking to that girl but i talked a little colder and just yesterday she told me it wasnt her but my bff that i trusted so much. I have no idea why doing all this to me makes her happy since i did nothing bad to her ever. I cant even describe how i feel right now, i cant trust anybody.
There is this friend of mine who helped during my bad time. I fought with a girl and she made my entire class to go against me. But this girl stayed with me. Right now , The girl with whom i fought became good friend of mine. People say is Karma is a dog. All my classmates ignored the girl with whom fought. But still they ignored me. This girl she came up to me and asked for forgiveness.I forgave her. Right now the girl who gave me strength to fight now is freaking damn close with the girl whom i fought. i feel like i am the third wheel. Now few days back, the grl who gave strength i have loads of attitude. I am like What the hell. Does it mean she didn’t accept me as who i am or she is jealous of something ? All these are so confusing me. I am just normal 16 year old girl. I feel like shit right now.
There’s this girl who, through out primary school, I never used to hang out with. She was always with my best friends or her best friends and they always used to leave me out. We’ve moved up to high school and the girl who never used to speak to me, Sophie, decided she’d be in my form. So, she started getting attached to me and bossing me about. I stood by her for 5 months and she always used to walk off without me and go with her other friends. I got sick of it and told her: ‘I’m sick of you treating me like rubbish, you always leave me out.’ after that, she always used to hang out with me until one day, she joined a club that was on every Tuesday called Singing Club. She always goes there every Tuesday and when she does, she leaves me and doesn’t even speak to me. We normally meet up with her friends and my friends in a music room. She sits down with us all and then starts ignoring me and leaving me out of the conversations, I’m still her friend but I am sensitive and I can’t stand up for myself and she has teachers on her side and ”anxiety” so if she got mad or upset, she’d tell the teacher and I’d get detention. Unfair but :/
Change the “she’ to a “he” and everyone of these is dead on. I want to ignore, but I am so tired of being treated as a joke, and I don’t want to say anything, because then it would be me who starts trouble.
I’m starting to do that.I had a friend that called me her bff an I didn’t call her that cause I knew my gut feeling was telling me she was lieing an I’m one that don’t like lie’s.I told her all the time don’t lie to me ever.I know how you feel the girl that was my friend said things to this guy an kelp doing it I told her to stop she did for awhile.IT started all over again,she was staying with me cause her light’s was cut off.when she packed her bags cause her light’s was supposed to be on this one day.she left out with her bags and I locked my door.To make a long story short I wouldn’t answer my phone or her knocks on my door an her medicine was in there and I didn’t know.I went through it to she was going around saying thing to people about me an then want to say that I’m not a good friend.She then turn around an say you my bestie friend in the world. Donna did the same thing to me until I told her about her self then she stopped for a while.I know how you feel, I just stopped being her friend to much drama.The old saying is save the drama for your mom.
I also learned that even if you are still friendly with other members of the family, stay away. This friend has gotten increasingly nasty and toxic since the original list.
-She went over my head and contacted one of my editors to request she attend a Hollywood gifting suite. When the editor wrote back to say I would have to approve, her reply was that although she could never be my friend again, we could “work” together — so she could walk around and collect free swag. I left it up to my editor to make the decision, who told her “no,”
-I gave her sister in law a present from one of my events more recently, and “Lola” sent it back to my apartment along with a threatening note to stop sending “marketing merchandise” to her house.
I have made bad friend choices in the past, but NEVER in my life have I run into anybody who has gone to the extremes “Lola” has gone to get even with me…
All simply because I had enough of her reminding me of my disability, telling me the only men good enough for me were slackers and mildly retarded individuals, and telling me I am not a “real teacher” because I sub and I don’t have an actual teaching degree. She HATES the idea that somebody she sees as inferior to her (never mind she barely has her BA teaching degree, and I have a Master’s) could be successful.
While the husband and his family have been very nice, she is adamant I am poison–to this day, she STILL puts me down to our mutual friends.
I had a best friend, we’ve known each othe for a long time. We basically were sisters and we were inseparable. Things started to change as we got older. Idnt even think she realized that things started to be different, because she didn’t really care for me as much as I did for her. She said she did but it seemed to me that she always wanted to be better at everything then I was. I remember when I was young I had a crush on a boy for yrs n she ended up getting close to him n so he ended up liking her. Who does that to a best friend. The thing that I’ve realized about myself was I allowed her throughout the yrs to walk all over me and make me think that I was the bad friend. I would always be the shy one an feel frightened to even tell her how I felt because I didn’t want to lose her as a best friend. As yrs passed I noticed she would leave me and hang around with other ppl who didn’t care about her. I did. She didn’t even realize it. She blamed me for everything and would ignore me sometimes. As I graduated from my university we had a lil arguement over her saying that I dont make time at all for her. She didn’t even bother showing up on my graduation day or congrats me after we made up. She went out with dozens of guys who were using her and I was trying to stop her from getting hurt, it never seemed to work. So what could I do, all I did was agree with her and say I hope the best for you. One day it led to an arguement that we both didn’t talk to each other and we still haven’t. She said after everything I’ve done for you. She forgot all the times or shall see yrs. I was their for her and stood by her and was the one who cared about her. I wet through so much to help her out with things that I regret helping her with because she shouldn’t have. She was not a good friend a friend shouldn’t have to make u always feel so stupid and low of them self. I hope one day she will come to her senses and realize that she lost a really good friend, and she will not find someone who stood by her throughout our 13 yr friendship.
I had a best friend that I’ve known for half of my life. We did everything together. Unfortunately, things don’t stay the same, over the yrs it had been a chaotic with her. She always wanted the attention on her an was the outspoken kind of person whom she would say things that were not appropriate. She would always make new friends and seemed to always isolate me and hang out with them. Reason for that is she would want to do things that I thought were wrong n hang out with ppl who did those things.. As a good friend I would always tell her I care about u don’t do something that she shouldn’t be doing. That didn’t help she would do it. I was always the quiet one who would keep my mouth closed when all the things she’s done that hurt me. Based on her descion makings I realized that it was only going to get worse and I am not the type who want to be apart of that. Drama was all around her. Even with guys she would lie and say she was with me to her mom n cancel plans to hang out with other ppl. N come to me only when she needed something. As we both split our separate ways n went to different universities. We kept in touch but she made new friends and forgot all about me. One day she had completely explode on me saying I changed, n I never make time for her. I told her arguing will not make it any better. When we would see each other at an event she wouldnt talk to me as a best friend would. She disrespected my parents one day and saying all rude obnoxious words to them all cuz of a misunderstanding that it was her families fault. And said that we were over and I honestly can say I was stupid to not have left her a long time ago. It comes to show that she was never a best friend at all and I deserve so much better than her and it bothers me that I actually teared up after her disrespecting my family. Now I know her true colors came out and i can honestly say I feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders
“She would downgrade an exciting event in my life; yet loved to “be there” for the tough times.”
With my FF (former friend) if I didn’t discuss tough times with her either because I was managing them on my own or was trying to be appreciative of the good things in my life she would bring up things from over a decade ago to try to see if she could bring me down. Who does that? I’m a very humble person and would be the last one to brag about anything because I try to be sensitive to other people, but to have someone who calls themselves a friend just ignore anything positive that happened to me was, as you said in your post, simply passive-aggressive. It was as if she was trying to make herself feel better about her own life by getting me to reveal some horrible misery that I was hiding from her. If I didn’t play along then our time together was time wasted on her part. She actually asked me once over lunch, “So your husband lacks empathy right?” She is single (because she serial dates unavailable, selfish jerks) and had never heard me complain about my husband so she was looking for something that must be wrong with him. When I told her that he is very empathic she said “I just assumed because of the work he does he wouldn’t understand emotions.” I said, “Why are you trying to make me feel badly about my husband and/or my relationship when I don’t feel badly about either?” To which she responded with the deer in the headlights look and silence.
Sadly, I had one of those “BFF’s”. I had that BFF that would put me down in front of others, actually going as far as using an extremely vulnerable and private piece of my life and exploiting me in front of others. She would “forget” to tag me in a photo. (I was the only one she forgot) She would downgrade an exciting event in my life; yet loved to “be there” for the tough times. Her passive-aggressive behavior was staggering. I don’t want to say that cliche “she’s jealous of me”; however I think she always was. As of late, she stopped contact with me. (other than a post here and there on fb) It was at that time all of the memories and put-downs from years past surfaced. I think I overlooked alot of the B.S. over the years. Now that I have a chance to reflect on the friendship, I discovered the fact that she was never a friend. Just a needy person that needed to be needed. When things improved for me, she disappeared. After many tears and tough days, I’m learning to let go. I am a wonderful person and friend with alot to offer. I can now free up my energy for new friends! I no longer have to be dragged down by a passive-aggressive fake poser. I am free to have friends that are proud of my professional accomplishments, proud of my successes, and proud of me!
This list really helped me so much, thank you Peppercat! For me, it seemed that a lot of my ex-friends thought that friendship meant what other people did for them. So when you stopped doing things for them, they basically found other people to manipulate and con. I’m a very giving person by nature and they took advantage of that. (And I let them as well.) I’m angry at myself, but I have learned a lot from the experience and have learned how friendship should be both give AND take.
Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. I have found over and over that putting something down on paper really is helpful in getting over something bad. Happy holiday to you!
Warm regards, Irene
of a former friend and colleague who would try to hire people away from my projects behind my back by bad mouthing me to them and offering them just slightly more money. Yikes! Stay classy! You can hate me all you want re: our personal interactions but in my opinion interfering with another persons ability to earn a living (especially if you are freelance) is about as low as you can go and still be considered human.
Ironically, the friend who inspired me to write this list warned me about another person I was friends with. We are both journalists, and toward the end of our association, she was starting to upstage me and turn our peers against me. To think I felt sorry for her because she was always in debt and living on the edge.
Once I heard from two unrelated editors she was trying to convince them to fire me and hire her, I cut it off. From there, it got ugly, but only to the point where people started figuring out I was the better of the two writers. However, she had a horrible article posted about me on a gossip web site that resulted in her getting opportunities I should have gotten.
Only hard work enabled me to convince people I was not the “world’s laziest freelancer.”
Hello, Peppercat here.
Heartfelt thanks, Irene, for taking my list public. As I am still smarting for this particular breakup, this helping other women means a lot to me!
It is so important that we do not ignore warning signs. I do not miss this person in the least, but I am angry with myself for allowing her to get as far as she did.
Thank you so much for your responses and letting us know how this has helped you.
Have a happy holiday–with your REAL friends 😉
Peppercat
Your friend will tell you that your business idea sucks only to steal it for herself and then tell her other friends that you’re jealous of “her” idea. So when you finally attempt it because you realize that the idea really is a great one, she tells people that you stole it from her. Go figure.
if I may. This irks me to no end–every time that you hear from your friend she asks for a professional favor but expresses no other interest in you, your life or spending time together.
Your ex-friend for libel/slander, your ex-boss for harassment. They were both WAY out of line.
After my ex-BFF dumped me because I wasn’t being the good little follower she assumed all her friends should be to her because in her head she is Queen of the World, she called my workplace and spewed a lot of garbage in my boss’ ear. My boss was the idiot for listening to her. My ex-BFF told her all sorts of terrible and false things about me and my boyfriend whom my ex-BFF tried to steal in vain. My boss called me into her office and went off about about me dating my boyfriend. It was completely unprofessional and uncalled for. Up until that time, my boss had been a great cheerleader to me and was generally pleased with my work performance so when she confronted me about my boyfriend, of all things, I was done! The next day I gave her my resignation letter. She didn’t want to take it and begged me not to leave, but the damage was done. I also sent a letter to her boss to inform him about his subordinates unprofessional behavior. My boss ended up resigning soon after that too. So in the end the poison that my ex-BFF spewed affected both me and the poor soul who listened to the vile lies about me. My ex-BFF”s toxicity knows no bounds!
Excellent list! Every single item is totally accurate. Well done Peppercat!!
we were best friends. I confronted her by letter on her bad behavior because it was just getting out of hand and her mistrust of me was spiraling out of control. I decided not to speak with her face to face because she wouldn’t listen when we tried. Totally toxic. She went behind my back and spoke to my pastor about me instead of responding to me personally. I’ve approached her to reconcile and so have a couple of other friends. She refused. I was blown away she wouldn’t even consider what I was saying, let alone the malice later. She became mean on email etc. Such anger. Totally broke my heart to see all we shared and supported each other on, turn into such spite…
I told you it was a good list! 🙂