• Keeping Friends

Friends in unlikely places: The X factor

Published: February 10, 2010 | Last Updated: April 2, 2016 By | 2 Replies Continue Reading

Whether it’s an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner’s past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:


Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner’s ex. But I am. She’s really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex’s" was the most common. Followed by: "We’re amicable and that’s it."


So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I’m new in town having just moved to Washington, DC from Manhattan six months ago. I was looking for female friends who like things I do — art, eating out, talking about life. The guy I’m dating knew just the person: his ex-girlfriend.


Hold on, I thought, this can’t be good. Love me, love my ex? None of my friends were keen on it either. But I figured, I should at least meet her before making a judgment…Right? I’m glad I did. She does like many of the same things I do. She has a boyfriend, and we’ve even double-dated.


Sometimes though, if I’m being completely truthful, it also feels really weird. For one, my relationship is still new. These two have known each other for a decade, share private jokes, and, I’ll say it, have seen each other naked. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t once in awhile feel like this was a contest I might lose.


I don’t normally shy away from tough topics as readers of my blog know well – surgery and divorce are just two examples – but this one has nearly got me beat. I think it’s hard to write about it because I’m owning up to a weakness of mine. For all my life coach-y ways, I’m human after all and it is maddening.


To get out of my own head I spoke to another friend, Linda, who has some wisdom on the subject. She is friendly with her ex-husband’s new wife. Her thoughts helped me see the following options:


* Separate your feelings

Whether it is your ex’s new wife, or your partner’s ex, it helps to separate your feelings for one person from your possible feelings for this new person. In my case, I’m glad I did because I gained a good friend out of it.


* Get to know this person directly

My first conversation with my partner’s ex was alone at an art festival. We met each other in the lobby having never seen one another before. Talk about a "first date"!


* Be inclusive

This is especially important where, in Linda’s case, there are children or pets involved. If she hosts a birthday party, for example, they get an invite and they do the same in return. She said it’s helped everyone feel more comfortable.


* Focus on what really matters

Like the previous point, with children or pets in the picture it’s about priorities. Those aren’t factors for me, but my feelings are just as important. It means doing what feels right instead of being a martyr about it.


Am I missing other options for navigating these X-factor relationships? Or, do you have your own experiences to share? I’m all ears (and eyes)!


Lauree Ostrofsky helps clients get clear and creative about they really want and how to go after it — whether it’s launching a new business; improving their relationships; or living each day more fully awake. Check out Lauree’s website, and follow her on Twitter @simplyleapcoach.


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Comments (2)

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  1. Irene says:

    That wonderful outcome is a real credit to you and the "ex" !




  2. Jan says:

    I became friend’s with my ex-husband’s ex about a year into our relationship. They had a daughter together, and the more I was around her (the ex wife) the more I liked her. We became friendly to the point that when my children were born, she would babysit for us from time to time.

    As I said, he is now my ex, and living in a different country now, I don’t see her anymore. However what did happen was that their daughter (my step daughter for thirteen years) and I also became very close, and she will always be my “daughter” now. She is in her twenties and married now, and she still calls me “mom”, saying she was the lucky one to have two moms to love her!

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