• Few or No Friends

No friends and having a baby

Published: June 30, 2014 | By | 7 Replies Continue Reading
A young woman worries she is having a baby with no friends for support

QUESTION

Hi,

My name is Paige. I am 20-years-old and a mom-to be now. I’m young but my age has nothing to do with my problems. I am writing because I really don’t know what else to do at this point and I have no one to talk to.

Growing up in school I wasn’t at all popular or one with many friends until I turned 16. I met a guy and we were together for about 3½ years but then we were separated. After that relationship I was again at a low point in my life with no friends and no one to talk to. With him I didn’t need many friends because he was my absolute best friend.

Now I am 20 and having a baby next year with a guy who says he wants to be with me but continues to talk to other girls like I’m not his girlfriend or about to have his child.

My brother just recently had a baby and he told me I should find some friends because it’s good to have a support system at this time. I can’t even have a proper baby shower because I have no friends. I don’t know what to do. I just moved and in the area I live now it’s super hard to find a job so I currently have no income.

Basically my question is HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS? If you have any ideas or advice at all please let me know.

Signed, Paige

ANSWER

Hi Paige,

You are in a very difficult situation for any woman, especially someone who is only 20. I’m glad that at least you have your brother to lean on for support and perhaps, his wife, since she is a new mom.

Right now, your priority has to be on finding ways to create a good home for yourself and your baby. You haven’t said whether or not you are living with your boyfriend, or whether you can count on him for financial and emotional support once you give birth.

I’m also not sure where you live. If you are living in or near a medium-to-large size city, you need to contact the nearby social services or public welfare department as soon as possible to find out about resources, information and other financial entitlements that might be available to help new mothers.

In addition to the advice that trained counselors and other staff can provide to you, you may be able to take advantage of some parenting and/or childbirth courses. This might also give you opportunities to connect with other moms-to-be. If you can’t find the government agency to help you, you can ask for help from the social work department at your local hospital and also find out about options for prenatal care.

Try to encourage your boyfriend to be on your team but if he won’t step up to the plate, you’ll need to handle the responsibility on your own. You also haven’t mentioned whether or not you can count on your parents for help but I hope you can reach out to them as well.

My heart goes out to you.

Best, Irene

Tags: , , , ,

Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (7)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Jane says:

    Paige, I was exactly in your situation 18 years ago. I did not have the right friends and I had a baby in my early 20s. I did not receive any support from her father or his family either. My advise is to focus only on you and your precious baby and life will fall into place for you. It is far better to have no friends in this situation than to have the wrong friends. I had the wrong friends and I learned very quickly what it means to have a good friend and what friendship is about. Our society says that it is good to have friends but, I want to let you know that it is not evil or bad to not to have friends. It is not a reflection on you, it is just life.

    You and your baby will be a family forever and it will be just you two for now, which is a blessing. And you will soon see that. You are very lucky and it may take many years to see it. How I survived… Apply for assistance such as wic, stay in school or work fulltime and find a very good babysitter. Action for children is a good resource. And take care of yourself. Join the YMCA ( in your situation it will be free) They offer many classes for you and your baby. These are the things I did and it may or may not bring you friends but it will bring the right friends in your life. I was very happy when my baby was born and when I was taking care of my baby. I hope you sign up for Lamaze class, you may meet someone who is in the same situation. Just remember life is not over and the next 18 years will go fast so enjoy your baby now. My baby just graduated from high school and has her own life now. I did not marry until she was 16. I have a nice home and a great job. I am still trying to find new friends. But, i believe i still have a very blessed life. Focus on your precious baby and You will be happy.

  2. Maddie says:

    I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope it all worked out.

  3. Tricia says:

    Hi, So having this baby will probably be the best thing that ever happened to you. Children are put in our lives and can help us in some many ways, it is truly amazing. If you go into it with a positive outlook you will find a job and every thing you need in life.

    So Ive had the same kind of thing happen to me. It wasn’t till my child came and I because a mother that I was thrown into groups that let me to my little bag of tools that just gets me by. I still have days I feel very alone and very unloved. I have learned that this may be due to not feeling accepted by my family. I have very few friends by I do have some and the ones I have I am really grateful.

    My tool box:
    1. the words you speak are very very powerful. I challenge you to never speak negative about yourself or your situation and to fill that space with positive talk. such as, I have meaningful relationships that contact me today, I am lovable to others and my friends enjoy spending time with me, My friends drop by my house today. This may seem weird but trust me it works. If not just by not talking negative, positive talk is like magic and has the power to put you in the right place.
    2. do things for people, offer something they might need, offer help in some way, also being a person who is accepting of others, not judgmental, understanding is a huge attraction. There are just not that many people willing to go out of their way and help and listen to others, so it stands out very easily. The one thing to watch for though is if the person you are doing for eventually does things for you because if not, that might not be a person that is capable of being a friend. In that case move on. I spent many years thinking someone was a friend, loving that person and in reality they would not even come to my home if I needed them for something. They would come in an emergency and on rare occasions but a friend is more than just emergency and you have to feel comfortable enough with a person you’ve known to expect they would be fine coming over and spending time. Some people are just too busy and that’s ok. Just keep looking. Its really not their fault they may care but already have their friend card filled.
    3. put yourself in a situation to meet people. A book club is a once a month social meeting. Find a meeting you can just hang with a group at least once per week. It will make you feel better and it will start your connections with others. Don’t feel bad if you don’t hit it off with some of the groups. Not all groups are meant for all people. I went through 2 or 3 groups before I found one I liked and then I found another I liked and then there was one that I didn’t like. Its really hit or miss and its nothing personal. everyone experiences it. just keep trying new groups until you find a couple you enjoy.
    If some groups have people you don’t feel are friendly just know its not you and that if there is a specific person that does not come across friendly, everyone feels it from that person so your not alone. Just keep swimming as Dori says.
    You will find it but only if you just keep swimming.
    4. once you find a group you feel interested in. just spend time with them. be positive and don’t complain, offer help to others on occasion and smile. I know when I was going through this it was the hardest time for me and I cried daily I was a mess. I didn’t know these things then and I thought it was all me. There are people for you out there, don’t worry, you WILL find them.
    In regard to jobs try a place like a womans group where new moms come to connect and get help from teachers like a adult school. the more people you meet the more possibility you will have for help in finding jobs and in a place like this people really do tend to help each other. Sometimes hospitals have new moms groups too. Good luck and congratulations.

  4. Patricia says:

    Congratulations on having a baby! First and foremost I am proud of you and have so much respect for you to bring this little one in the world, where as we all know their are other options which you could have considered. So you my friend have just proven to everyone that your good character is in check.
    So with that being said – I agree with everyone. Your goal in life right now is to provide for you and your baby – a home, food and a job. STAY FOCUSED on building a life around your new family – and the rest will fall into place. Your baby will bring you much joy and love.
    Get the help you need from social services and welfare – there are many young adults that are in the same situation as you and are looking for support.
    Once the baby arrives and you find yourself a job you will find friends at your job and you can start participate in mommy groups, single parent groups and so forth. Your local community will have mother and baby classes at a somewhat reasonable price.
    Irene has advertised meetup.ca (com) many times on this site and its a wonderful website where you can create a group and perhaps find a support group with single parents.
    Do not get stuck in the rut where you feel that you are lost and lonely. I have done that many times in my life and in my older years I am slowly coming to terms that it is I who is in control of my life and how I feel. Get up and make a difference! You can and you will because you are a strong individual.
    Best of luck to you and God Bless you and your family always.

  5. Eliza says:

    The biggest mistake most women make – is to lose themselves in ANY relationship – and drop their gal pals–once they meet “the one” – where they stop making/keeping plans with the girls. Why? Because – your girlfriends can and will undoubtedly be your major support group–when the chips are down, when you need a listening board/advice. Some women don’t feel to the need to have and develop/maintain friendships–yet they wonder why they are lonely. Maybe if you take some Mommy & Me classes (not sure where you live)–you can develop some friendships. It does take time AND effort though. Anything worthwhile is work. But strong, long-term friendships are well worth your time.

  6. Amy F says:

    I agree with Irene about your priority needing to be you and your baby right now. Friendships and support systems take a while to develop. In addition to Irene’s suggestions, talk to your obgyn about your situation and see if she can recommend a support group. You might also look for parenting classes and/or play groups. Try volunteering somewhere for a few yours a week as an avenue for you to meet people. If you look for somewhere like the YMCA or somewhere that you might meet young mothers you’d be the first to hear about job openings and you might be able to work out child care as well,

Leave a Reply