A friendly case of “Maid of Honor Abuse”
A very tired maid of honor worries that her friend has become an out-of-control bridezilla.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I’m currently my best friend’s maid of honor and the entire experience has been painful at best. I’ve been looking for some advice and support on how to deal with a friendship that’s breaking apart due to a bride’s behavior but the vast majority of blogs/websites focus on only bridesmaids ruining the wedding or friendship.
I’ve been friends with the bride for the past twenty years and over the past year of wedding planning, I am certain the friendship is over. In our circle of friends, everyone thought I would be the first to get married (I’ve been with my partner longer than she has, I’ve wanted to get married while she hasn’t, and her proposal was a total surprise). I’ve put aside my feelings of jealousy and just been happy for my friend, but lately she’s been complaining about how hard wedding planning is and it makes me feel like she is taking for granted something I would cherish.
She was never taught etiquette. She, her mother, and her sister are very “laid-back” people who don’t care for social niceties. They have asked family and other wedding guests to bring the food; friends are paying for an open bar; they aren’t inviting the officiant to the rehearsal because the bride “doesn’t want her to say much.” They have had one engagement party, a bachelorette weekend away, two bridal showers, and a stag and doe, and have a registry filled with high-priced items.
At this point, I have paid more for this wedding than the bride and groom have! The mother-of-the-bride has hosted one bridal shower and the engagement party, and emailed invites to these events only days before hand to the bridal party. We all live in separate cities and has even confessed that she didn’t invite the bride’s man (a male bridesmaid) until the day before because she doesn’t really want him there.
The bride had originally asked me to be in charge of making sure the food gets prepared in time for the buffet dinner (in addition to my maid of honor duties, and making their wedding cake). I told her I thought she should find someone else because the food would need to go into the ovens during the ceremony and I wouldn’t be able to do it as I would be standing with her.
She flipped out and started crying and saying she should have just eloped. Since then, no matter how much I offer to help she says she’s doesn’t need it, but she posts on Facebook how stressed she is and how she needs help. I believe she just likes people to feel bad for her. For as long as I’ve known her she has always played the victim in life and now I realize I just can’t handle it anymore.
I’ve always been a strong, confident person and just cannot respect this type of “poor me” behavior. I can’t say anything because I have to walk on eggshells around her as she’s the type to cry over every little confrontation. Over the past four months she hasn’t called me and will only email about wedding issues, sometimes she’ll add “How are you doing?” and when I reply telling her in about my life, she doesn’t reply and the next email I receive is about the wedding.
I’m currently in the process of writing my speech and for the life of me cannot find any words to say, any that would be appropriate at least.
I’m sorry this email is so long and rambling! If you can offer me any advice as to how I can move forward, or how I can get through my speech it would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
One very tired maid of honor
ANSWER
Dear Very Tired Maid of Honor,
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your best friend. Brides often are self-absorbed but this one sounds over the top. I’m not sure how much of her narcissism is related to the wedding and how much is related to the bride’s personality and upbringing. It may be the combination of the two that is so punishing.
Accepting the role of maid of honor has put you in the position of witnessing many of your friend’s warts that you may have missed before. (Keep in mind that you may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual too, because, as you admit, it would be nicer if you were the one walking down the aisle now.)
Please keep your justifiable anger under control, and just get through the wedding and be a very gracious maid of honor. Your speech can be a piece of cake if you talk about how you met, recall the good times you shared together during your long friendship, and wish her the best for the future.
After things have simmered down for both of you, you’ll need to determine whether the friendship is worth salvaging. Hope this is helpful.
Best,
Irene
Category: Bridezillas and other monsters
I disagree as well! First off who has others (besides family) pay for open bar and a buffet? And to get ALL those parties?!?! Wtf? If I get married I only expect 1/2 of those parties. That’s a bit outrageous. Sounds like they are greedy for gifts and extra pampering. I’m having a horrible MOH experience. The bride is so laid back that she doesn’t have a gown, bridal attire, hasn’t asked the bridal party and me to be MoH and her wedding is June 1st. I badly want to give her a bridal shower, but she doesn’t care enough to give me a guest list and we are 9 days away from it. Positive way of looking at is..atleast you’re not left in te dark about things. I have to pull info out of the bride and anything confrontational makes her say “idk when I’ll find time for that so I’ll just order stuff online” blah blah. I’d personally stick it out and bite ur tongue. You don’t want bad karma for your wedding. Afterwards reavaluate your friendship.
To me it sounds like this friend is pulling your strings – these are questions to ask yourself – this questionairre is from a very good book called Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet B. Braiker so it may be of use to you in your situation.
Are you in a manipulative relationship
I often feel I just do not know how to make _____________happy
I sometimes feel confused and unclear about what ________________really wants.
It mostly feels to me that ________________needs dominate our relationship.
I often wind up feeling more to blame for problems in my relationship with ____ than he or she does.
I sometimes feel resentful and angry towards______________
I rarely express my negative feelings to _______________
I sometimes feel that ___________has more control over my feelings and behavior than I do.
I sometimes feel that _____________is using or exploiting my giving nature.
More and more I feel dissatisfied with the way _________treats me.
I believe I am much better at meeting _______________’s needs than the other way around.
I often feel that I have to choose my words very carefully around_________
I say and do things to try and avoid angering or upsetting _________
I sometimes feel that __________takes me for granted
Instead of expressing my anger directly toward _________I often direct my anger inward and wind up feeling bad about myself
When I think about my relationship with ___________I realize that I do not feel as good about myself as I once did.
I’m not sure that _________really has my best interests at heart.
I often feel that I need _____________far more than she or he needs me.
I sometimes feel trapped in my relationship with ______________with no clear way out.
I am better off checking first with _________before making a decision than relying on my own judgement and making a big mistake
I often feel that ____________-has more control over my feelings and behaviour than I have over his or her feelings or behaviour
I worry frequently about upsetting,disappointing or letting __________down.
I often feel that something bad will happen if I do not do what _________wants.
NO matter how much I do for _____________she or he has a way of making me feel that I have not done enough
I sometimes thought that ____________intimidates me with her or his anger,moods or emotionality.
I often feel in my relationship with _______that I do not have much freedom to be myself or do what I really want.
___________-has a very strong influence over how I feel, think and or act.
I do not feel I can do much to change _____________-
Even when I do something that really pleases _____________-or makes her or him happy, the good feelings never seem to last very long
I work much harder at this relationship than _____________seems to.
1- 5 scale – on answers
120-150 is a manipulative relationship
5strongly agree
4agree somewhat
3agree slightly
2disagree somewhat
1strongly disagree
WOW! I just read this blog; and thought it was written about my current maid-of-honor experience. I’m experiencing what you’ve just written to a tee.
Thanks for the advice. 🙂 Only four more days of this madness. Onward . . .
You are NOT “overreacting” like “If you ask me I think you” said. Being a bride is NEVER an excuse to be a narcisstic, self-indulgent, shitheaded princess. PERIOD! And these women wonder why they have no friends after the big day.
If you ask me I think you are acting jealous and over-reacting. This is a wedding! All that you have wrote will eventually happen to you someday (hopefully) and you will likely be super-stressed out too and will want your Maid of Honour to be supportive and at least caring. Let it go! And do your best to help with the wedding, that is in fact what you agreed to do by accepting the position of Maid of Honour.
I’m going to be completely honest with you, by telling you that I disagree with your comment. I feel that the Maid of Honor isn’t jealous of her best friend getting married-despite the bride’s behavior, which to me is atrocious!! Besides, would you want to support someone who’s an ungrateful and demanding BRIDEZILLA?