Friendless in Seattle
Why would a middle-aged woman not be able to keep a friend?
Read my latest reader query on that topic on The Huffington Post.
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Sorry but therapy has never helped me ever. Gone to so many therapists but I never find their insight beneficial…. What they say isn’t of much help other than maybe venting about your problems. But that’s about it. We live in a self absorbed society so I don’t believe it’s something to do with you. I’ve had friends come & go but looking back, it’s been their problem & not mine. Sorry for sounding so blunt but I’ve been a good friend to my friends & some stay & others move on. People with your same interests help alot. You can always email me for some chats,
Cheers
Cindy
I’ve never had any friends. Just my sisters, and they live very far away, and my husband. The women I work with are nice enough, but if I ask them to lunch they always have plans (with each other) and they have never, in 5 years, invited me. I’m an introvert. I don’t like not having friends, I try to be friendly–I go to the gym and church and other gathering places, by myself so I could me and greet, etc. Just no connection. So, it’s me. BUT-I meet guys just fine and get along with them great. Nothing untoward there, just friendly chats, I’m monogamous and have been for over 30 years. What’s wrong with me? I am so lonely for a female companion, like my sisters, and I can’t find anyone….
Dear Friendless in Seattle and Anonymous,
I would love a conversation on those “friends” we have for weeks or months who suddenly drop us for no apparent reason. Just when you think the relationship is really clicking and has staying power – poof! – gone. What the _____? And tell me how successful you’ve been at exonerating yourself? Of course not; it must be something you did that caused them to vanish. It is really no different than the hordes of women that write about the man they’ve been dating for months who suddenly won’t reply to their calls or emails. But they get loads of positive responses from other females commiserating the same fate. However, if a gal does the very same thing to her gal pal, it is acceptable. Somehow, you expect more loyalty from friends but I haven’t found it to be true. I am exhausted trying to rationalize the behavior of women which is often disloyal and petty. And god forbid you try and confront a friend with her inconsistent or inconsiderate behavior; you will be left feeling worse than if you said nothing at all. The advice is almost always to confront the offender in the most gentle and nonaccusatory way. Tread lightly. I rarely have found the confrontation enlightening or consoling. And things never seem to go back to the way they were originally if at all.
Belle
I am a middle-aged woman and can relate to the 2 posts. I cannot find anyone that I can truly say is a true-friend. I believe that I am the one that sabotoge friends as well. I was once told by a friend that “friends should not have expectations.” I don’t feel that way. I feel that I should expect loyalty from a friend. I give my all when I have a so-called friend and it seems as if I don’t get the same back. I have always been the type that had one good friend and did everything like a sister with that friend but for some reason I guess I crowded or expected too much because they always ended up letting me down. They never did what I expected from a friend and when I told them about the downfalls they backed away from me. I don’t want to leave this world without good friends. What should I do?
Hi Fran:
It’s not easy to select a therapist. I’m sorry about your unfortunate experience. A few suggestions:
1) Interview any therapist before you commit to him/her. Ask about the person’s orientation on the phone before you meet.
2) During the first or second session, develop a plan with the person about what the goals of treatment are and how long it will take to achieve them.
3) Some of the best pairings of patients and therapists derive from a personal recommendation from someone you know who can vouch for the therapist.
4) Group therapies are often a good way to work on your relationship-building skills. Consider that approach as well.
There are rotten apples in every bunch and I’m sorry you got one!
Best,
Irene
I read your question/answer in the Huffington Post. I have this same problem and I did go to a therapist to work on why I am friendless. The therapist never told me though what I was doing “wrong” or how I was coming off…there was no advice at all. Instead it’s me sitting there trying to think of things to say and then her saying time is now up. The “getting to know me” process is too long to go through to find another therapist. What do you suggest in that case?