• Keeping Friends

Her other friend

Published: May 8, 2014 | By | 3 Replies Continue Reading
What should you do if your BFF always includes her other friend in your get-togethers?


Hi Irene,

The other day my BFF asked me if I wanted to come over after high school a few days later. I said yes. Then she ended up inviting her other friend that I hardly know and she didn’t tell me till the last minute. I said okay. I went to her house and she was ignoring me most of the time talking to her other friend.

Yesterday I asked her if I could come over and if her other friend was coming over. She said I could and that her other friend wasn’t coming over. Of course, when I got there, the friend was with her. She didn’t ignore me at first but a bit later, we had dinner and she kept whispering to her friend.

So my question is should I tell her how I feel?

Signed, Nicole


Hi Nicole,

You really don’t have a choice. If you don’t tell your BFF how you feel, this situation is likely to happen again, and your anger and resentment towards her will only increase.

See if this feels like it might be a good approach for handling this:

When just the two of you are together, let her know you want to speak to her. Tell her you enjoy spending time together and you are happy to get to know her other friend, too, but you hope there will be time for just the two of you sometimes—because a group of three changes the dynamic. Also, tell her that when she plans to include her other friend, you would like to know in advance.

Another suggestion:  if you invite her to your house, you can be the one who controls who comes and goes.

Since there may be times when your BFF is busy with this friend and others, you may also want to find some new friends of your own.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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Category: Dealing with threesomes and groups of friends, KEEPING FRIENDS

Comments (3)

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  1. Amy F says:

    Hi Nicole,
    When you’re used to socializing with your best friend one on one, I’m sure learning to share her is hard, especially if you were weren’t prepared to spend time as a threesome that day.
    Irene’s suggestion of inviting her to your house, so that you control the environment is a good one as is Lottie’s of getting to know your friend’s friend better and including her on “your turf” so you’re more comfortable as a trio.
    If you rely primarily on your best friend for your social activities, you might want to expand your social circle, too. That way you won’t feel jealous of your bf’s other friends. Think about your acquaintances, girls you talk to in class, at lunch or during activities as potential friends. The more friends you have, the more less you’ll feel accepting of your bf’s other friends.

  2. Sandra says:

    Dr. Irene,
    I really like your suggestion to Nicole — about inviting her BFF to her own place. Nicole, I’ve found that the best way to deal with an “imbalanced” friendship is to gently speak up, as Irene said, and to initiate get-togethers instead of following someone else’s plans most of the time.

    Another idea: Keeping an open mind, you might try to get to know your BFF’s other friend a little better. I’ve introduced my best friend(s) to some of my other friends, occasionally, and have found that we get along very well. Sometimes a group activity opens us up to new friendships.

    • lottie says:

      Hi Nicole,

      Both Dr Irene and Sandra ideas are good.May I suggest trying not to make a big issue out of telling your friend how you feel. Perhaps in future if you are invited round to her house try not to be always so available and free to go, maybe you might be doing something else that day,then invite both of them to yours.Make some little cookies or something to share. It might help you be more confident during your get together.Good luck Lottie

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