• Keeping Friends

My Friend Talks Too Much About Money

Published: April 18, 2016 | Last Updated: May 18, 2024 By | 19 Replies Continue Reading

How do you handle a friend who talks too much about money? Money can be an uncomfortable subject to discuss because people have different values and attitudes about whether it should be discussed at all.

QUESTION

Hi,

Why would a (sort of) friend keep telling me over and over how much money she received from her deceased boyfriend and how wealthy she is?

Then, when my husband died a year ago, she called me to her home, and she and another friend told me I should give his drug-addict sons what their father and I had earned.

I took care of my husband with dementia alone for four years. Neither of his sons nor my friend offered to give me a break.

She started telling me I had no right to anything a year or so prior to my loving husband’s passing. She also preened herself one day in front of me about buying a cottage on Tybee Island, Ga. This was a very down day for me because I knew my husband was dying.

Is she a little crazy? She is 70 years old and still works. Very upset.

Signed, Meg

ANSWER

Hi Meg,

I’m sorry about the loss of your husband.

It is disconcerting that your (sort of) friend would boast about her inheritance from her boyfriend or tell you how to spend your own money. If you haven’t already done so, you must let your friend know that you aren’t comfortable discussing finances with her, either yours or hers.

You didn’t explain her relationship to your deceased husband’s sons, but I can understand how that might make you uncomfortable if you have an acrimonious relationship with them and she is telling you to give them money.

It sounds like this friend might be a bit much for you to handle now, except in very small doses. Perhaps you need a break from her, or you should think about seeing her less frequently.

When a relationship with a friend is consistently more draining than rewarding, you need to question whether the person is really friend-worthy.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene


See some previous posts on The Friendship Blog that address friendship and money.

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Category: Friends and Money

Comments (19)

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  1. DJ Borhan says:

    sorry to read about your loss.its seems like you are a lovely couple. i really feel sorry for you.

  2. Bizzy says:

    It sounds like you are a great person and were a loving wife. I have to say though that it is sad when the children get left out of their parents’ will. I know it is up to the parent, but it is very hurtful. As a second wife, I don’t think I could do that to my husband’s children. I would make that clear to my husband.

  3. lottie says:

    Dear Meg,

    So sorry to hear about your husband.How disgraceful that a so called friend chooses to be a braggard just as your husband has died.No she is not crazy just an idiot from hell.

    Disassociate yourself from her company.She is ill mannered with not a thought about anyone only herself.

    So rude to make you feel so uncomfortable.Next time she kicks off about how much money she has ask her who she compares herself with.
    Does she tell you the amount she has? So if not it might be nothing compared to your wealth.It must make her feel good about herself.
    Do as you wish with your money.A financial discussion about the history of your money is non of her dam business.Step back from her and then another until you cant see or hear her.

    Do not share any information with her or anyone only your bank manager.

    Hoping my input is of help. Do take care and best wishes for your future. So sorry. Lottie

  4. sharoy says:

    I would like to thank all my friends on this blog for the support and compassion. Another fact, I have had a slightly off the wall friend since the 6th grade. She helped me by bringing food already prepared to my husband and I when he was so sick. She knew this friend-enemy through me. So the night this person called me down for tea, she had my other friend there too. So she actually caused me to lose my long time friend too because I have no trust in her any longer. The one that brags on her self, never brought anything to us. We live 1/2 mile away. I most tell you that she sort of did the same thing to another woman who is ill but reversed her MOA by making a play for her husband I am told because he has a wonderful pension. The majority of you have made me feel better and you are correct she is not a nice person. I have a long tolerance level for people. Sharoy

  5. sharoy says:

    Dear Judge Judy??

    My recently departed husband was one of the best father’s until he finally gave up when they(his sons) were in their late 40’s and had sued everyone they could for money. Taken their sweet mother to the cleaners for drugs, spent the money she had inherited, tried to get their grandmother’s money before she died and their uncle their Mom’s brother stepped in and stopped them. They likely went through a million dollars or more on drugs. My husband never smoked, drank, or did drugs. NO, I DID NOT BREAK UP HIS MARRIAGE. MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND EVEN WENT TO THEIR MOTHER AND TOLD HER NOT TO ALLOW HIS AND HER SONS TO ROB HER. THEY SYSTEMATICALLLY ROBBED THEIR MOTHER AND THEN SHOVED HER IN A NURSING HOME AND NEVER SENT TO SEE HER. MY HUSBAND WAS A WONDERFUL FATHER, STEPFATHER AND MAN. His sons were adults when we married. His son had a lot of money from suing people for small accidents. I was a totally independent lady. No , I did not marry him for money. Then you blame him for not being able to change his adult son’s habits?? They robbed us blind by taking things off the property I owned prior to marrying my husband. You Judge Judy forget I just lost the best man I ever knew.
    You sound very biased and cruel almost like the my ex friend who is
    not very nice. It is nice to know your opinion is biased against me due to the fact I am a step-mother of addicts. Thanks so much for your compassion. I would prefer not to hear from you again. You apparently have your own reasons for being biased against step mothers.

    • Irene says:

      I am so sorry that you were subject to the harsh and judgmental comments from the other poster. I can understand while you reacted the way you did.

      She will not be welcome to post here again.

      Best, Irene

    • Lisa says:

      Sharoy, Please don’t get upset over this individuals comments. You are the WIFE!! The law is the spouse is left everything when the husband passes away. You are the wife!! You do not have to answer to anybody. When we as parents leave our children possessions in our will whether it be money, jewelry, property, or whatever, it is our choice. When there are ADULT children who are addicted it is never our responsibility to leave them MORE money to squander on drugs. At 40 if they aren’t in rehab straightening out their lives then that is their problem. You can’t force someone to get clean and sober, but you certainly aren’t expected to finance their lifetime habit. your story is one that shows how everyone tried to help these ADULTS and as you can see no amount of money left to them has changed them, just gave them more to use on the drugs. Please don’t allow people to to make you feel bad for being a LOVING wife to your husband. You are a wonderful person and anyone would be proud to be your friend. As a wife you are entitled to maintain the finds your husband left YOU!! Your husband knew exactly how his ADULT children were which is why he didn’t leave them anymore money than you to already gave them when he was alive. He left it to you so you could survive and not struggle, which is what spouses do for each other. You are in the RIGHT here. Thinking of you during your difficult times. Joining a support group might help you. Here if you need an ear.

      • sharoy says:

        Thank you for being supportive. I was always kind to this person and she stepped over the line. She apparently feels the need to brag, belittle and bring down people. I am done with her.
        I am a person who is too tolerant with friends.

        This blog has made me feel that I was correct in my feelings.

        Thank you Irene and Lisa your answer made perfect sense. Bless all of you.

        • Lisa says:

          Sharoy, this is what this blog is for, to help. support and raise people’s spirits. Best wishes to you always. Blessings to you.

  6. DJ says:

    Better to cut her entirely out of your life given her double standards. It’s ok for her to inherit money but not for you even though you had cared for your husband without support for years. If you’re needing more people in your life and finding it hard going given you’re grieving perhaps you could join a bereavement group. There are blind to be others who have lost partners after caring for them so in a similar position and understanding.

  7. Lisa says:

    First of all,I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I will say prayers for you. This so called friend is telling you that you have no right to you and your husbands money!! but, she has a right to her deceased BOYFRIENDS money. Yes, he willed it to her. but you are the surviving SPOUSE. This person is NOT a friend by any means, she is looking to drive you as crazy as she is. Some people think that children take a priority over a spouse, this is a personal issue with everyone and everyone has aright to make choices based on their needs. Children who are addicted to drugs will not do anything productive with the money except use it for drugs ntil i t is gone, which won’t take long. You have to be able to survive and for your so called friend to make her rude insulting remarks to you is a sign to LET HER GO! And, be careful, she sounds like she is playing both sides of the fence. She his looking out for the drug addicted children over you her friend? Please cut the ties before you are targeted anymore. I wish you the best. Is there any family or other friends you could confide in? You need a person who is faithful to you, you don’t have that in her. Separate and move on. Oh and please don’t listen to the comment about the father being the reason for the children to be on drugs. Everyone makes choices, and this was THEIR choice not forced by their father. Keep your circle positive!!

  8. Judge Judy says:

    Well, she sounds like a handful. Her bragging about her money may be that she’s just thrilled to have come into some unexpected money, especially if she isn’t used to having it. Also, it may boost her ego to get to tell people that he loved her enough to leave it to her. Why does anybody brag? It makes her feel special, I guess. This can be annoying but I don’t think it’s really harmful since it’s not directed at you.

    As far as your husband’s sons, it could be she just felt that bringing it up to you was the right thing to do. It frequently happens that someone gets remarried and their natural children get cut out of their inheritance in favor of the new spouse and it really isn’t right. If their mother had remained with him, she, his wife, would have been expected to be the one to care for him if she could, and that wouldn’t mean his sons wouldn’t inherit anything. Also, receiving an inheritance from a parent isn’t normally dependent on if their grown children have any flaws or not. Sorry but I’m not sure your friend isn’t right on that one.

    • Judge Judy says:

      Also, if both of his sons are drug addicts, perhaps it’s because their father didn’t make them a priority in their early years, either.

      • Irene says:

        To blame a parent for a child’s addiction is really a leap.

        • Lisa says:

          You said it Irene. That comment was inappropriate.

        • Judge Judy says:

          Yes it is but that is not what I did. I said “PERHAPS.”

          SHE was the one who implied that both of the sons being drug addicts was reason they could be dismissed from inheriting a single thing from their father and one of two reasons she was entitled to keep it all for herself (the other being that she cared for her husband when he was ill).

          Addressing that from another perspective is certainly fair game considering that. I stand by my statement and refute your incorrect interpretation of it.

  9. Carol Craven says:

    It,s time to let go. No true friend would be so inconsiderate. She is draining you emotionally. No one except you should tell you how to spend your money. And I find that people that brag about their abundance of money are insecure or are living a champange life on a beer budget. You can be an acquaintance if it,s too hard for you to completely break away. Just remember that toxic friends are not truly friends

  10. Amy F says:

    Is she a little crazy? Or are you a little crazy for putting up with an unsatisfactory ;)? There are always two people in a situation.

    I understand how your defenses were down when you were taking care of your husband, and you might not have had the emotional energy to think about the quality of your friendship. Then you were in mourning. You probably still are, but you’ve got enough clarity to reevaluate the relationship. Perhaps if you had thought to address her, the first time she made a comment that bothered you, you might not have built up the resentment you now have and you could have changed the pattern, but you had too much going on. I like to respond with a generic, “Why would you say something like that?” And then wait for an answer. Or, “Thanks but I prefer not to discuss finances with you.” Then you’ve got to do your part by not bringing it up in the future.

    I can’t see why you’d want to spent any more time with this woman, unless she’s got lots of positive qualities you haven’t mentioned. If you choose to continue the friendship, talk to her about privacy and repeating what you say, continue to set set comfortable boundaries when she tries to say something bothersome.

    Good luck.

  11. Arlene says:

    There is a little thing inside of all of us…its the uncomfortable button that God installed..that when it is activated we should treat it like a alarm warning, stop trying to analyze and do something to protect ourselves.

    When another person is boasting about money despite showing no interest in your present set of life altering circumstances, or is giving you the directive as to how you should settle the estate and is making you uncomfortable….then there is something seriously wrong with them and don’t let it continue. None of the behavior you described is how a normal, loving, caring, kind person would behave in a stressful situation.

    I personally have no problem loving myself and showing it by activating that button asap and they can figure out why the radio silence. I am not going to tell them what their mama ought of told them.

    Often to get a better perspective, I ask myself, if my daughter, who is a kind, decent woman, was in my situation and some female was boasting, and bossing her around especially when she was going through hard times, what would I tell her? Exactly, I would tell her to eject and self protect!

    If that female wants to know why she is off my friendship bus, and I think might be sincerely open to hearing my feedback about her bragging and bossing, maybe I would make an effort, but they usually become defensive and make the whole thing worse. I rarely find females, and especially ones who seem to lack any insight are open to hearing about their character flaws.

    I have come to a point in my life, where it is better to be alone than to be with someone and treated badly. Good luck!

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