My friend is doing something dangerous
A friend is doing something dangerous but a teen isn’t sure how to respond.
QUESTION
Hi,
I have been having some problems with one of my friends. She recently has been hanging out and texting this guy because they both like each other.
I’m completely okay with that but they randomly talk about me. He tells her things like “She’s lame” or “She’s boring”. Something like that wouldn’t normally bother me but she goes along with it and tells him things about me that aren’t true. They’ve gotten into three conversations about me and I’ve seen every one of them. And pretty much the only reason he is saying this stuff is because she and him have been doing dangerous and illegal things and I thought that those things were dumb.
He asked her, me, and another one of my friends to do something dangerous and we both said no, but my friend said yes and he told her we were lame because we didn’t want to do it.
I’ve known him since I was a toddler so I don’t know what he has against me. I’ve never done anything to him. I had a class with him but we never talked. I know this shouldn’t bother me but it does sometimes for some reason. And I don’t want to talk to her about it because she’s not the type that you can talk to about things like this and this is her first relationship and I don’t want to ruin it. So what should I do?
Sincerely, Ceci
ANSWER
Hi Ceci,
You’re a good person to be concerned about your friend. I’m impressed that you’re firm in your conviction not to do dangerous and illegal things. Staying strong in the face of peer pressure can be difficult, so good job.
Your friend is lucky to have you in her corner. I hope you realize that refraining from dangerous behavior is the opposite of lame, it’s strong and the quality of a leader rather than a follower. I think this guy talking negatively about you is another form of peer pressure.
I am concerned that your friend isn’t being a very good friend to you if she’s talking badly about you and not sticking up for you when her boyfriend does. You deserve better than that. While I understand that this is her first relationship and she may feel insecure, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t treat you with respect. I appreciate that you don’t want to interfere between your friend and her boyfriend but theirs is not a healthy relationship because they are doing dangerous and illegal things. This is unsafe, and could have potentially deadly consequences. If her boyfriend is pressuring her or encouraging her, that means he doesn’t have her best interests at heart.
Sometimes we have to risk angering our friends and tell the truth, even if that means they pull away from us, because it’s better to have a mad friend than a hurt or dead one. I’m not trying to scare you, but bad things can happen when people do dangerous things, and most folks think “It’ll never happen to me.”
Maybe you and your other friend who refused to do the dangerous thing could talk to your friend together. You wouldn’t be ruining your friend’s relationship, but possible saving her from serious trouble or consequences. You could also talk to a school counselor or another adult to help you, if this is too hard to do on your own.
Your friend is very lucky to have you in her life, even if she doesn’t always realize it. Good luck.
Signed, *Amy Feld
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
