When a friend meets her first boyfriend

It’s natural to feel left out and excluded when your BFF meets her first boyfriend.

QUESTION

Hi,

I’m a senior in high school and have had a best friend since third grade. About five months ago she got her first boyfriend. I was totally for it because I obviously want my best friend to be happy and he is also a good friend of mine. The problem is that she has slowly becoming more and more distant.

I know this is something that is expected, how a girl falls hard for the guy and what not, but this has been affecting me. She just never asks me to hang out, and never comes up and talks to me at school because she is way to busy with her precious boyfriend. One example in particular, no matter how juvenile this sounds, happened today. We were picking groups for physics fair projects and when our teacher said to pick one person you want to work with for sure, my so called “best friend” didn’t even look over at me to ask me to be with her or to see who I was going to partner with.

I don’t know why all this is hurting me so much, but I could really use some advice. I hope my best friend still cares about me the way I care about her and our friendship.

Signed, Ashley

ANSWER

Dear Ashley,

I’m sorry you’re feeling abandoned by your friend. It’s good that you understand your relationship had to change somewhat when your best friend got a boyfriend. You still share a long history together.

From your letter, it sounds like you’ve grown a bit resentful (“precious boyfriend”) and I think you need to have a talk with your friend. Try to impress upon her that you respect her relationship, but you also miss her and how close you used to be without blaming her boyfriend. Although it doesn’t feel good, it’s common for women to neglect their girlfriends so try not to take it too personally.

You could say:

“Friend, we haven’t hung out in a while. I miss you. Do you want to sleep over Friday?”

If she says she’s going out with her boyfriend, ask when another good time to hang out would be. If she makes excuses, reiterate that you support her relationship and give her the space she needs right now.

Chances are, if she picks up on any resentment from you or thinks that you’re being demanding, this will push her away even further. That might not feel fair, but that’s probably how she’d respond. In the meantime, try expanding your social circle, so that you won’t feel isolated and alone.

Also, take the first step with her. Even if your friend didn’t look at you for the Physics project, you could have approached her. Having good, respectful communication is the best way to avoid conflict. People aren’t mind readers, and when we make assumptions without checking them out, we’re not being fair to our friends, ourselves, or to our relationships.

Good luck with your friend.

Signed, Amy

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Tags: adolescents, best friends, first boyfriend, friendship advice, high school friendships

Category: Communication, KEEPING FRIENDS