• Keeping Friends

A friend asks: Should I throw her Maid of Honor under a bus?

Published: October 4, 2010 | Last Updated: September 30, 2015 By | 7 Replies Continue Reading
A maid of honor upsets one of the bride’s guests.


Dear Irene,

Bride invites me to the bridal shower, the bachelorette party and wedding. Says call Maid of Honor for details. Maid of Honor doesn’t call/text or email back. Bride says she is bummed I didn’t make it, but I tried to.

What do I do? Throw the Maid of Honor under the bus? Ignore it and say sorry I couldn’t make it. The wedding is this Saturday. Do I go? Do I bring a gift? I am confused. Is this a really bad game? It’s weird. Yes, I know the Maid of Honor and thought we were on good terms. Any help is welcome.



Dear Shannon:

This sounds like a disappointing and awkward situation. It’s frustrating when someone says “call so and so for the details” and then the point person messes up or neglects her responsibilities.

You need to call the Maid of Honor (MOH) to try to figure out why this happened. Politely tell her that you and the bride were upset that you weren’t able to make the shower and bachelorette party and see if she has an explanation. (I assume the bride sent out invitations to the wedding in which case you can attend without having to go through the MOH).

Honest mistakes do occur. Ask the MOH if she received your first message. It is possible that she was so overwhelmed with her responsibilities that she misplaced it or forgot to respond? Alternatively, it could be that the busy bride forgot to give your name to the MOH as someone she wanted invited to pre-wedding festivities.

Another possibility may be that this Maid of Honor (MOH) is an ambivalent friend (a frenemy) who is insecure about the bride’s relationship with you and was, consciously or unconsciously, trying to undermine it. If this appears to have been the case, you need to decide if you want to let the bride know what happened (after the wedding, of course.)

Obviously, the MOH is a very good friend of the bride. Telling the bride that the MOH did not include you may make the bride feel as if she has to choose sides, you or the MOH. You need to be prepared to be on the “losing” side. If you decide not to say anything to the bride other than you and the MOH got your wires crossed, you have learned a lesson about the MOH and need to limit your contact with her.

Try to separate your feelings about the bride from your feelings about her MOH and this fiasco. Of course, go to the wedding and bring a gift.


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Comments (7)

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  1. JAM says:

    Great advice from Irene to Shannon. Loved it!

  2. Saskia says:

    Dear Irene,
    I have a bit of a problem with my best friend. We are both 14 now and we have been friends for, about 4 years? But now she wants to breake up because she thinks that she isn’t good for me. And that breaking up is the way to make sure I wont get anymore pain.
    I’m not sure why she does that. She says it’s because I deserve better and she is a ‘dark person’. I really don’t agree! And I’m trying to show her it isn’t the solution to push me away, but she won’t listen and I think I only make it worse…
    What do you think that I should do? I really don’t want to lose her and I really need a friend at this moment and she always been there for me. I think she has problems but she covers it in sarcasme and hurting me…
    Please help me because I don’t have a clue…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Yes. It was mostly family and two friends of hers. I know other moms in our group who were not invited (who Kara said would be invited), so I don’t feel personally excluded. I’m just disappointed because I thought she thought of me as someone who could be a friend to her family (I’ve met her parents multiple times). And I thought her sister liked me because she would tell me that I needed to come up to their family’s house for dinner. But after this, I’ve realized that they think of me as a superficial friend and nothing deeper. It’s weird because I’ve listened to Kara vent about very personal problems and I would help her when I could, but now I feel drained out. I’ve decided to wean off communication with her for a while. My best friend (my husband) thinks I should gradually let her go, but I don’t know if he realizes how complex female friendships are (which is why I’m on your helpful blog). He may be right, though…

    • Mary says:

      If she included you in other family occasions, wouldn’t that be an indication that she DOES consider you such a friend? If she has alot of friends a line had to be drawn somewhere. You’re right it’s not personal as she didn’t invite other friends either. When people plan these things they are very busy, have to spend money etc. Your concern sounds a bit petty…

  4. Irene says:

    Could the shower have been primarily for family?


    Best, Irene

  5. Anonymous says:

    I sort of have a similar situation with a baby shower for my friend, Kara. Kara was talking to me about an upcoming baby shower for two weeks before the event happened. I waited for an invitation and it never came. Kara’s sister never e-mailed me with an invitation and neither did Kara. My friend didn’t care that her sister never told me about the shower and she didn’t care that I wasn’t able to make it. I have been writing off all kinds of disappointing incidents like this with my friend due to her pregnancy (hormones out-of-whack), but this incident has really made me rethink staying friends with her. There is only so much that I can blame on her pregnancy. I’m trying to forget about it because we’re mutual friends with a bunch of other mothers, but I can’t help but feel annoyed by her and her sister. Argh.

    • JAM says:

      “she didn’t care that I wasn’t able to make it.” If that’s true, I’d move on quietly (at least internally).
      Friends can be really disappointing sometimes.
      Hope it gets better for you.

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