Feeling slighted by my BFF
A woman feels slighted by a close friend and wonders if she is being overly sensitive.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have been friends with a woman for over twenty years and consider her my BFF. I introduced her to my childhood friends and she’s included in travel and regular outings. She does not invite me to any such outings with her friends.
Recently, she has been going on outings with a woman that I had a conflict with and she’s posting on social media referring to this woman as “her girl.”
She’s a very nice person and people gravitate to her. She always gets a lot of attention about her looks and style. Sometimes it’s like she seeks attention.
I love her dearly but I’m feeling like backing off from her because I feel slighted from being excluded. Am I being over sensitive?
Signed, Jenna
ANSWER
Hi Jenna,
Just because two people are friends doesn’t necessarily mean they have to include each other in their respective social circles all the time.
While it was nice of you to introduce your Bestie to your childhood friends—who seemed to have welcomed her into the group—this doesn’t obligate her to do the same. Another thing to remember is that even if someone feels like your BFF, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are hers. It sounds like your friend is very social and makes new friends quite easily. She may feel as if she has many BFFs. Yet, she also seems to treasure her long-standing relationship with you.
It’s normal to feel a tinge of hurt or even jealousy that she’s calling this new friend “her girl,” especially if the woman is someone you don’t get along with. By the same token, you can’t really judge your relationship with your BFF by her relationships with others.
Should you back off? It depends whether the relationship with your BFF no longer feels satisfying or rewarding, or if you can’t overcome the feeling of being slighted by her having other friends. Perhaps, it could be helpful to spend more time with your other friends and pay less attention to her musings on social media. But given the importance of this friendship to you, I wouldn’t back off entirely.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
I have been in this situation one too many times. Personally as I am very sensitive towards always trying not to hurt other peoples feelings, I would feel uncomfortable going out with the friend who the original friend had the conflict with without trying having the original friend who introduced us included. In the past I have always introduced new friends to my inner circle but these people exclude me from theirs. .I consider these type of people to be selfish and self serving. They are nothing but users. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling slighted. Your friend is a selfish person who’s only on it for herself
No you are not being over sensitive.It is preferable rather than being insensitive.
Does she do the talking when you are together or does she listen leaving you to tell her everything? Are you like an excitable puppy when you meet up. If yes, calm done and ask her loads of questions about what she has been up to.
From the sound of her I am not too keen on that sort of person.She is out for herself and possibly a user flitting around her pals. I quite understand you love her dearly but maybe you could save that love for someone more deserving.
Her BFF is probably herself.
If this comes over as harsh and mean I apologise right now…sorry.
She reminds me so much of two people I havent seen in years,and I have no desire to see them.
Stop worrying and “over” thinking about her. Here is a thought, next time you meet up make sure you mention what a fabulous time you had recently with some other friends,preferably ones she hasn’t met,and keep it that way.If you haven’t done anything exciting then arrange something to tell her about,and do not invite her.
Enjoy your life and very best wishes. Lottie
Jenna,
I, too, as a sensitive person, and understand your feelings. I do believe, we need to keep our friendships open and we discover so much more friendship. Yes, you are feeling slighted, but maybe someone, who needs less boosting up, may be better for you. Keep your friendship with your BFF, but keep in mind, that some other person, may be more your match. Good luck, and don’t feel jealous, as sometimes those folks we think are our BFF’s are not. Being sensitive, is a great trait, as you see what folks need most. Isn’t this site great, for hammering those feelings out. Have a great day!
“I introduced her to my childhood friends and she’s included in travel and regular outings. She does not invite me to any such outings with her friends.”
This is / would have been a HUGE red flag to me as soon as I realized it.
I think “backing off from her” — NOT a huge, dramatic, “Never speak to me again!” scene — is an excellent idea.
I suspect that doing so will tell you everything you need to know make the most self-caring decision you can about whether and how to carry on this relationship.
I’m confused as to why you’d want to be included in social activity with some you’re having conflict. Is it more that you wish your friend weren’t socializing with this woman and calling her “my gal”?
Having more than one close friend is healthy and keeps you from being overly dependent on one person. If can also stave off jealousy.
As to the question of overly sensitive, if your sensitivity is interfering with your happiness and preventing you from enjoying people with whom you’d otherwise be satisfied, you might be.
It sounds to me like the conflict is more between you and your brain vs you and your friend.
This highlights one of the many, many downsides of social media. If it weren’t for facebook, you’d have no idea who your BFF spends her time with. As it is, however, you know every little detail, and she wants that! She wants you to see her having fun without you or, at the very least, doesn’t mind you seeing that you’ve been left out. Social media is the mean girls’ dream platform. About all you can do is not enable her to get under your skin and STOP LOOKING at her FB posts.
Certainly, do not confront her or beg to be included. This will have the opposite effect and may well give her the schadenfreude that she may be seeking.
Hear, hear!
I think Irene is right on with her response. If you pay too much attention to what your BFF is posting and then turn it around into whatever you want to see it for, that spells trouble. Trust me, i know this all too well. The best thing to do is take what she is posting with a grain of salt AND more so, focus on what you two have and not what she shares with someone else. No one is the exact same with any one person b/c we share different likes/dislikes with each individual. Whatever that friendship is for you two, it is.
I’m thinking your “bestie” is the type of person who has a lot of friends. Like Irene said, it could be that she truly enjoys your long friendship but has more than one best friend. Or maybe she doesn’t categorize her friendships at all, and has many friendships that are important to her.
Does she reach out often and make a point of initiating your time together? Does she check in with you and offer support when you’re going through difficult times? Does she remember to celebrate things that matter to you? If you’re always the one who’s initiating or reaching out for get-togethers, it could be that you and your friend have different expectations for this friendship.
Like Irene said, I wouldn’t pay as much attention to her posts on social media if they bother you. Most people “stage manage” their content on Facebook, and what you are seeing there isn’t always the reality. Sometimes social media does more harm than good when it comes to friendships.