• Keeping Friends

Feeling Left Out, Excluded, Rejected

March 19, 2012 | By | 10 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I am 60 years old but am still sensitive
about my friends not including me in things. For example, I went to a concert
with two of them; I was the driver. While we were together, they talked about trips they were going on together that didn’t include me. I
asked about one trip in particular and my friend said she was going with
another friend in a camper: There was no more room for another person and that
was that.

 

I reached out to them because in the
past I had done things with them that my husband wasn’t interested in doing. One of
the women is pretty controlling though. In fact, I bailed out of a trip this
summer because I didn’t want to be her roommate. That may be why she doesn’t
want to include me in other trips. Should I keep reaching out or just forget
it?

Signed, Barbara

 

ANSWER

Hi Barbara,

Regardless of age, it’s natural to
feel uncomfortable when your friends talk about getting together without you—almost
as if you weren’t there. It’s not that they are obligated to invite you on
every trip or include you in every outing, but they should be more
sensitive to your feelings. If there is “no more room at the inn,” they should avoid discussing their upcoming trip in your
presence.

 

When you asked about going, even if
there wasn’t any space for you, it seems like your friend could have
framed her reply more nicely, and even have said how sorry she was. (Those words might have even come out spontaneously if she really felt that way.)

 

I understand your wanting friends to travel
with but these women don’t sound like the right candidates. You bailed out last time for a reason. You need to adjust your
expectations of these friends and not count on them exclusively. Is there
another friend with whom you can travel?

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS

Comments (10)

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  1. Anonymous says:

    i would talk it through with them

  2. Anonymous says:

    nice site! I have a friend, she’s sweet and smart and thoughtful. I really like her as a friend. But she likes drinking beer and alcohol. Almost every other day in her life, she drinks.. With other friends, and sometimes with me and my husband. Thing that I do not like because she has a cancer. Everytime she text me, it’s always invitation to drink with her. Which I do not like because I’m concerned about her. Whenever I suggest her other things to do like movie watching or other things, we end up drinking..Now, I decided not to entertain her text regarding “drinking”. She felt that I change. It’s not about me that I stop, it’s she I cafe for. Today, I saw her post on her wall, a quote about friendship. -(a friendship is someone who gives you freedom to be yourself.) Was that quote for me. hat di I do? In that sense, do I need to encourage her “drinking alcohol and beer” despite her stage 3 cancer? Pls reply…

  3. Anonymous says:

    I am exactly like you! And again Facebook being how I find out. I get that there are going to be times just a few are goin to want to meet but when
    I do question them they always say they forgot or didn’t think. This has been going on for a year or so now and I decided to confront them about it. There response was that they haven’t done anything wrong so I shouldn’t feel this way. It was like hitting my head against a brick wall trying to make them see/understand my point but they didn’t so they ended the conversation. I believe close friends should show empathy and insert song however hard they may find it but I find their egos get in the way. I have decided to take up a hobby and make new friends. Then when they don’t include me I have other friend to meet up with!

  4. Anonymous says:

    it totally sucks when i am left out. today my best friends went out for yogurt and asked bryn another one of my friends to go right in front of my face but didnt even bother to ask me. that really struck me hard because we are all really close. my self esteem has dropped because of them a little but they are really all i have so what should i do?

  5. Anonymous says:

    I just want to let everyone know that words sometimes hurt more than actions and ti be careful what you say because sometimes it ends in tears.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I understand what all of you girls are going through because I’m also going through the same situation. I feel really bitter everytime my work friends are talking about their up coming trip (I did go with them last yr for 3 weeks but we all realized it didn’t work out). This time it was just the 2 of them…mind you they did ask me this time but I said no because personal reasons but mostly I felt left out some of the time. But still, it hurts to hear them talking about their plans especially at lunch time or break and it doesn’t help when the other people at work are talking about it too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Its Ill-mannered and rude to discuss an event that not everyone in the conversation is/was invited to attend, Plain and simple. But alas, some people use this as a way to show how popular they want others to know they are. It’s more of the “me, me me, everything is about me” culture we live in these days.

    Makes me sad,

  8. Anonymous says:

    I have a similar problem, too. My friends don’t plan their without-me activities in front of me, but sometimes they mention something I didn’t know they did together, and when I ask how it went they look a bit embarrassed and change subject quickly, so I usually don’t ask anything and just play dumb.
    The thing is, I do feel hurt and rejected when I notice they are doing things without me (facebook is awful for this). I don’t think my friends ought to include me in everything they do, but my heart somehow feels that yes they should. I do my best not to show my hurt feelings but I think my friends somehow notice, or they wouldn’t feel unconfortable when they realize I know about their other plans.

  9. ThePinkPenguin says:

    I’m currently going through this right now with my best friend and another friend of mine who have become very close. They plan to do things together in front of me without even asking if I’d like to go along. Sometimes, they are planning things I am not interested in, but they have also done things I would like to do without even giving me the opportunity to say “I can’t go today, but maybe another time.”

    My best friend and my other friend are practically joined at the hip, so much to the point that when I told a third friend we could go to a certain restaurant this coming weekend, my best friend quickly replied that the other friend is going somewhere else. My friend who my best friend joined to barely speaks to me anymore and seems to have no interest in me. It’s upsetting, but I’ve learned it’s best to just let her go and come to me if she wants to do something. I’m not inviting her anywhere else.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I would be terribly hurt if my friends discussed going on trips etc., in my presence without including me! It’s such a rude and insensitive thing to do!! You don’t mention how long you’ve been friends with these people. Are they just casual friends or have you known them for a long time?
    If they are more than casual friends, it seems to me that they are not really the type of friends that you need and want. You need people who care about your feelings and who make you feel that you are important to them. If I were you I would try to meet new people which I know can be difficult. It’s worth a try though and you might end up finding better people to share some great experiences with.

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