Feeling awkward and conflicted about a threesome
Friendships among threesomes are often fraught with difficulty.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I am friendly with two women that I met in college. Let’s call them Anna and Rebecca. Because we all live in different countries, we only see each other every few years. I’ve felt for a long time that the two of them have a special dynamic together. Specifically, when the three of us are together, I often feel left out. Because of that, I haven’t proposed trips with just the three of us for a long time.
Anyway, recently I went to their countries. I had originally planned to visit Anna first and then to go see Rebecca. However, Anna suggested she join me to visit Rebecca, and that’s what happened.
Predictably, I felt left out. More specifically, I felt like Anna was dominating the visit and I could only watch. For example, Rebecca now has two young children and Anna got along much better with them than I did, especially since she knows quite a bit of their native language, while I only know a few words. She also has more experience with children than I do. I decided I wouldn’t try to compete with her because I knew that would just make me feel worse. As a result, I felt like a third wheel.
On the one hand, I would like to bring this up, since I’m tired of feeling left out and uncomfortable. However, I fear that if I do this, they would likely get angry and the friendship will be over. We’ve known each other for almost 20 years, so I would hate for my friendship with these women to end. I get along fine with them individually.
Sincerely, Conflicted
ANSWER
Dear Conflicted,
When it comes to friendships, threesomes often tend to get complicated—regardless of age. As you have experienced, the relationship you have as a group is different than the one you have with Rebecca or Anna, independently. Because a third-person always adds another dimension to the mix, your story is more common than you might think.
It sounds like Anna has a more dominant personality than you (and probably than Rebecca) so she tends to become the de facto leader of the group. Your observation that she and Rebecca may be closer to each other than either one is to you is probably accurate; you sound pretty insightful. That doesn’t really matter though; you probably have other friends to whom you feel closer, too.
You seem to value your friendship with both these long-time friends. Since you only get to see them every few years in small doses, my advice would be to just accept them and your threesome relationship as it is when you’re together as a threesome—you won’t be able to change Anna and you probably can’t change your personality either. Don’t consider yourself a third wheel; they are as eager to see you, as you are to see them even if getting together isn’t totally comfortable.
It sounds like you may have felt a bit railroaded into the last joint visit. To avoid this happening next time, you could space each visit apart. If the two visits have to be successive (because of economic considerations, for example, airfare is cheaper to make both trips at once or you only have a limited amount of time off), explain to Anna, in advance, that you would like to visit individually this time because you see them each so infrequently.
When the visit after that comes around, which sounds like 4-6 years from now, you can revisit the decision.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about friendship threesomes:
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- The tag-along friend - The Friendship Blog : The Friendship Blog | June 29, 2013
Hi,
Why put up with being treated like this? You sound like a smart, sensitive and bright person. Why not just gracefully decline next time. Have a laundry list of ready excuses like: Oh, I can’t make it this time, I’ll be on holiday; I have friends coming over that weekend/evening/week; etc. etc. Why be there as a third wheel, and /or as a potential customer of something she is currently selling? Just find a courteous way to say thanks, but no thanks. This ways you are not totally breaking away from your friends and you are leaving the door open just a bit. If they get the message, they might start treating you better, or not. They don’t sound like they are very friendly or respectful to you. Good luck with your decision. All the best to you.
I could totally relate on this article. I couldn’t say anything for now. -Jin
Sometimes it’s hard to come up with different titles for multiple letters about threesomes…
Guess this one was a little provocative:-)
Irene
I mean, take that headline “Feeling Awkward and Conflicted about A THREESOME.” Was that tongue in cheek, Irene? 🙂 You often make me laugh. (That’s a good thing.)
I hadn’t even thought of that one. YES, I will say that next time: “Sorry, but I’m cutting down on eating out, am on a budget.” (This gal HATES it when anyone mentions money. She seems to think everyone should have a big nest egg in place. We are all in our 60s. She is one of these “If you had invested wisely and not lived beyond your means, you’d be sitting pretty just like I am.”) That’s perfect. Thanks, Irene!
You’re cutting down on lunches? without going into specifics or why or with whom?
Irene
I have gone to these dinners in an effort to “give it a chance” and hope for the best, that maybe over time I would be treated better. I now don’t believe things will change. My question is like the original poster’s: HOW do I get out of it, what do I say? Obviously I can lie and beg off at the last minute, but is that the best way? Also, it isn’t that “she irks me.” This woman treats me like the gum on her shoe, the shoe she put on for her lunch with her friend.
And yes, I can and do sometimes get together alone with the other gal. We have a simple, drama-free, not-intimate friendship of occasional lunches and good talks. My gut tells me to NOT reveal to HER that I just hate the three-some lunches. I don’t want to come across as a gossip.
If you don’t enjoy the dinners and don’t enjoy the company, why go at all? Can you just arrange to spend time with the "other gal" who doesn’t irk you?
Irene
I’ve got “Conflicted’s” problem, only it’s dinner at local restaurant twice a year. And we are not life long friends by any stretch. But even though it’s only a few hours of my life each year, these get togethers bug the hell out of me and I want to get out gracefully. I have “torn up” many of my nasty e-mail replies to the gal in our group who treats me like I’m invisible yet fawns all over the other gal. She (the planner of these dinners) includes me on the initial e-mails proposing dinner and then there are many e-mail follow-ups where she literally asks the other gal what time and place is convenient for her and asks me nothing. When we end up meeting she is all over the other gal like peanut butter on bread. And I am sitting there, barely talked to except in a curt way. Or except to ask me to buy something she is selling on the side, like cosmetics. We three know each other from a class we once took where we sat near each other and chatted. I have no idea why I am included other than as a potential customer. In the interest of being open minded and not being fussy and hoping for the best, I have put up with these dinners. But I don’t want to. Yet I know this woman who plans these things will not hear me if I beg off or if I tell her the truth, that she treats me like a third banana. She is not the “deepest” person in the world and not incredibly bright. But I don’t wish to be, or to come across as, a bitch. I just want out, gracefully. What do I do?
I don’t know — regardless of how infrequently they get together, given the cost of travel, it doesn’t sound like much fun to sit there and feel invisible.
That was a great idea Dr. Levine proposed! And if your two friends want to visit independently, they can arrange that as well.