Fear of Losing All My Friends

Published: March 23, 2012 | Last Updated: March 23, 2012 By | 2 Replies Continue Reading

Not all friendships last forever: We should
always be open to new ones



Hi Irene,

Over the last few months, my best
friend, whom I’ll call "L," has grown close to another of my friends, "S." They
have done several things together without including me. I’m not interested in some
of the things they did (concerts featuring a genre of music that I’m only a
casual fan of, for example), but I don’t understand why they don’t invite me to
other things, like going out to dinner at a restaurant we all like. This has
hurt especially because "S" barely speaks to me anymore. When I am with "S," she
turns all her attention to "L" and makes plans and gets all excited to be
around her.


This situation has made me fear losing
friends as I get older (I’m in my late twenties). Two of my friends are getting
married this summer, and I am already scared they won’t talk to me as much
because they’ll be involved with their new spouses. So far, they’ve stayed in
touch but I worry about what will happen after the wedding. I am happy for both
of them and don’t feel jealous of their marriages; I just worry our friendships
will die. 


I am currently trying to build a friendship with a person who treats me well
and who values me as a person. I know he and I wouldn’t be compatible as a
couple, but he is such a nice person that being "just friends"
doesn’t bother me. However, he has a serious girlfriend and I worry this new
friendship will be worthless in the long run if he gets engaged and I end up
off to the side again. 


Don’t get me wrong, I realize a boyfriend or girlfriend (or husband or wife) are
more important than someone who’s just a friend. But with the fact that "S" and
"L" have gotten closer and slowly seem to be pushing me out of the picture, now
I’m worried that my soon to be married friends will treat me the same way, even
if it’s not out of spite. How can I get over this fear of losing all my

Signed, Megan



Hi Megan,

Friendships—even very good ones—
tend to be fluid and often drift apart as life circumstances change. Your two friends
may have become very friendly with each other, perhaps because they share more
in common or maybe, they just clicked in terms of personality. I know this feels
like a loss but there’s not too much you can do about it.


You could try reaching out to "L" one-on-one.
Is there something that you and she particularly enjoy doing together that you
can suggest doing as a twosome? Or, can you suggest that you get together for
dinner "to catch up." This may test the waters to see whether she is interested
in remaining friendly with you.


In terms of your engaged friends, they
may be less available in coming months but it doesn’t necessarily mean the end
of these friendships. Remain friendly while being sensitive to the new demands
being placed on their time right now.


Finally, maintaining your friendship
with the guy may be tricky if he is involved in a serious relationship. It all
depends on his (and his girlfriend’s) comfort level.


Yes, it’s unfortunate that everything
seems to be in flux simultaneously. Sometimes friendships are challenged and change.
Stay engaged but don’t act overly needy with these friends, and seek out new
friendships to fill the gaps.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene 


Other posts on The Friendship Blog about
feeling left out: 


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Comments (2)

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  1. Irene says:

    Hi Nasim,

    As you can imagine, I am sometimes overwhelmed with letters. I try to answer as many as I can that offer teachable lessons for others and that don’t repeat the themes of previous posts.

    So your questions and my responses can help others, they may be posted on The Friendship Blog, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and/or other print or online venues. If I’m able to answer your letter. I will not use your real name in a post but I cannot answer any questions privately by email.

    Perhaps other readers will have some advice for you here.

    Best, Irene

  2. Nasim says:

    Hi irena
    I’m 19 and I love violin
    I met a boy playing violin in our university first i was keen on him but later I developed my feelings to him, he is friend with my friend but I don’ t know if they are girl friend and boy friends or just talk toghether I do talk all my fealings about thay guy to my friend and she helped me to forget him in some extent but after i heard from one of my friends that she become upset when I say hello to him or I see him I told her these things inorder to solve our problems but she have stoped talking to me and I have lost her but the thing that I really afraid is that if she tells every one that I was in love with that boy what should I do? And If my friends know these things will they remain my friends or they will leave me? I don’t know what the reaction of my friends and classmates and the most important one the person I was in love with will be after they know these things.I don’t know if I was wrong in telling her all the things or not.
    Please e-mail me the answer and don’t show my comment in public thanks so much

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