• Other Friendship Advice

Dumped by a friend with no explanation

Published: March 16, 2013 | Last Updated: March 16, 2013 By | 49 Replies Continue Reading
Although common, it’s still painful—and hard to recoup after being dumped by a friend. 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have been part of a group of friends since we were at University. We were housemates and initially had nothing in common: not life style, not personality, not taste in anything. Yet we became a solid group of friends.

I was closer with a few and with one girl in particular. Let’s call her, Bella. She was one of my best buds: We took trips together, talked about everything. I attended her family parties and her father’s funeral. We would help each other move, spend Christmas together and always knew what was going on with each other.

In 2008, after 12 years, she just dropped me from one day to another. I had just gone through a breakup with a guy six weeks prior, was exhausted and never feeling like myself at the moment but I was getting myself out of it.

She has just got a new job. She was supportive, encouraging. Things with out friendship were as usual. Last time I spoke to her: I attended her birthday party. Nothing happened there. I don’t drink and it was just family and a few friends. She let me out after, made the usual jokes, and said we would see each other later. That was the last I have heard of her.

From then on she didn’t reply to texts, emails, and phone calls but it didn’t dawn on me until two months later. I ran into her at a store and sensed she was uncomfortable to see me. It went so fast that I only realized later that she seemed almost unresponsive.

I tried calling her, calling her mom asking her if something happened to her, and if she was all right. I talked to mutual friends, send her holidays cards, invited her to my farewell party when I moved from that country, and left her my address to contact me anytime—to no avail. She didn’t respond to anything. I noticed she has only kept in touch with one of our former roommates and he hasn’t seen her in three years.

I have walked through the last weeks of our friendships a hundred times and I can’t find any signs. I have gone through every possibility, even whether my ex would have said something to her about me, or something as ridiculous as she had taken up an affair with my ex.

Now five years later, I do know that there were odd signs. She was very secretive, aloof at times. A mutual roommate always had the idea that she was your friend if you are going her way but if it doesn’t suit her anymore she’ll dump you in a heartbeat.

I refuse to believe that. I just look at it like this now: For me it does not matter if the friendship was real for her. It was for me and I cherish and value it. My part was genuine. But what can happen to someone to decide to ice cold stonewall someone like this?

I wonder if you have any idea as to why people do it this way. It never happened to me before. I am very loyal to my friends myself, but googling it, I learned that “friend dumping” (being dumped by a friend) is a major topic.

Best, Alicia

ANSWER

Hi Alicia,

Yes, being dumped by a friend is something that happens commonly—but its frequency doesn’t make it less painful. Afterwards, it’s normal to feel hurt and rejected, and to question both your own actions and the authenticity of the friendship.

Since you were friends with this woman for twelve years, there is no doubt in my mind that yours was a close friendship that was mutual.

One reason why friends often decide to “stonewall” a close friendship is because something is going on with them, or someone close to them, a “secret” of sorts that they are unable to share or talk about.

It may be a relationship about which they are ashamed, an illness (either physical or mental), or a family secret.

Unfortunately, not all friendships last forever, even very good ones. Friendships made at college or University when people are growing, changing and finding themselves, are particularly vulnerable.

You have made valiant efforts to communicate and try to find out what went wrong. At this point, all you can do is to reframe your thinking to accept it has more to do with your friend than with you. This breech in no way invalidates what came before and hopefully, will not make you reluctant to pursue other close friendships.

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on sudden breakups

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Category: OTHER ADVICE

Comments (49)

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  1. Penelope Stout says:

    Think I’m being unfriended at the present time. When my friend went to visit family in Canada during the pandemic; she came back to the USA sooner than expected. She was grumpy and complained about them (this was after waiting a year to see them because of Covid). Five months prior to this my father had died, and I was dealing w/ my own problems regarding mean-spirited sisters. On Father’s Day, she sent me a F/B message accusing me of deleting a comment she had written on my timeline (thought this very odd). Then a week ago during a telephone conversation, I asked how her granddaughter was doing and she blew up. It appears we are naturally drifting apart (only time will tell).

  2. Kaitlyn says:

    This post is so old, but still so necessary.
    I think sharing things like this is a good step to healing. On that note, I really want to share my story…
    I have a very close group of girl friends and we all grew up together. These girls share a very special place in my heart. One girl particularly…we will call her S. She was a sister I never had and nothing could come between us…or so I thought. Like I said we are a group of best friends, but S was the closest to me. I even secretly told her that I’d choose her to be my maid of honor out of everyone else. Even let her be my future child’s God mother…and she agreed vice versa. Then one day S got a boy friend. Ever since then we had a couple of fights, they didn’t have anything to do with him, but every time we’d fight which was only twice he’d be there coincidently. She came with a lot of drama and self-issues, she could be so selfish and sketchy and was a terrible friend to me at times, but nothing could make me love her less. Anyways, I separated myself from them, gave her space. She lives 3 hours from me, so it was a lot of space. I honesty didn’t care that she had a boyfriend. Everything was fine, until I couldn’t drive up to see her for her birthday because the weather was really bad. She hasn’t talked to me since then. She has told all of our other best friends that we aren’t friends anymore and she’s “over it.” She also said that she doesn’t have to explain herself to anyone, because all of them were standing up for me. It hurts so freakin bad that she won’t even give me an explanation. She literally has ignored me for almost 7 months now. She dumped me like I was trash. Our friendship never meant anything to her. It was all a lie and a waste of energy. Looking at it now, I can’t believe that I was best friends with such a selfish, twisted, narcissist. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Indeed our friendship was a lesson. I pray to God that maybe just maybe we will be able to reconcile again. Which is funny to me because why would I want to be friends with someone who is literally ignoring my existence, but that’s who I am. I’m loving and forgiving. Nothing that S could do will make me love her less. I only wish she had loved me more. I hope you all heal and I wish you all the best.

    • P says:

      I am too a person that recently ended a friendship with my “best friend” It wasn’t something I just decided on over night it took me nearly a full year to finally bite the bullet and tell him. This “best friend” repeatedly belittled me. Was very rude in his tone to everybody not just me. He would gossip and make sly comments about mutual friends. I am a sensitive person so I took his insults to heart. I put up with it for 12 years. I didn’t realise that friends don’t treat or talk to eachother that way and since I had let him for so long it became normal. Other friends would say “oh but that’s just the way he is” or “yeah it’s rude but that’s just him” eventually after a lonnnnng time thinking about it feeling guilt, embarrassment, resentment and sadness I decided there was no point to talk about it because I knew in my heart that he wasn’t good for me and definitely did not have my best interests at heart. So I sent a message albeit not the best way to do it and I felt deep guilt about it but I had made up my mind and there was no point in talking or rather arguing as I knew he would not take it well. He didn’t take it well and contacted many people trying to find out information. But I think he was more upset about loosing a person he could easily control and influence and not actually loosing me as a person. I believe he has turned all of our mutual friends against me, he’s playing the victim but I am sticking with my decision and I am much happier for it. I appreciate the comments but I disagree that the problem lies within the person who dumped. Often the person on the receiving end has not been a very good friend to begin with. You must always look out for your own feelings because if you don’t look after your own you will never be able to look after anyone else’s.

  3. Brea says:

    I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I happened to be the one who “dumped” my best friend. Don’t get me wrong I loved her like a sister and I miss her terribly. But it’s best this way. I suffered with depression and mania for a few years. Just recently I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. She has been with me through all the ups and downs. But I don’t want her to worry about me. I know I’m just going to get worst and the best thing would be for her not to go through this. I have probably already damaged her in some way. She always used to say that she was a nice sympathetic person before we became bffs. She used to say it jokingly, but there was some truth to that. I feel like since we both didn’t have any other friends, besides each other, my personality kind off rubbed off on her in the worst possible way. So I did what I thought was best I blocked her and ignored her. Until eventually she gave up on our friendship. She has new friends now, better friends. And I’m really happy that she has started becoming more social and more determined. I miss her and I love her so much, but I believe it was for the best.

    • Suzyq says:

      Dear Brea,
      You obviously miss your friend and perhaps hurting over what has happened for you to write this post and also to deal with what is going on with you in your diagnosis.

      Your friend would have been hurt by what you did I imagine and felt frustration and anguish with what you did if you didn’t give her any explanation. In all honesty if you miss your friend and would like some kind of friendship with her I would extend a hand to her but do it in an honest way. If you are not honest she will back away so to speak emotionally. She may see it as being hurtful again towards her otherwise. If you were true bffs before she should give you an opportunity to speak to her if you want to salvage your friendship at all. I would test the waters so to speak if you want to be honest about your diagnosis etc. but are feeling fragile. I would imagine the diagnosis has also be a lot to take in if you felt you wanted to isolate yourself from everyone too.

      Be kind to yourself, your friend obviously valued you as a friend so don’t ignore that you are human and hurting too.

    • klara says:

      There are 2 possibilities for your friend,forgetting you or forgetting you

    • MotherDeuce says:

      Blocking and ignoring your best friend is not doing her any favors. It’s basically leaving her hanging to wonder what SHE did wrong. Being blocked without explanation is confusing, and likely feels like a betrayal. Being betrayed, or in this case, FEELING betrayed, is psychologically and emotionally damaging.

      Have the decency to give her an explanation especially if it’s the one you state above. She might not agree with your decision to “protect her,” but at least she’ll understand it’s not her fault.

  4. J says:

    You may be lucky enough to make quality friendships after college that last many years or a lifetime, but it is not the norm. Invest in deep relationships with siblings or friends that you had since elem-college, because it doesn’t seem to take much for friends that are not in those categories to find fault with you in some ways. I have had some friendships that I thought were quality friendships just to end suddenly. If you haven’t done something really bad to a friend, there is no reason for a real friend to do this to you. It is really hard to keep women friends, even one’s who you believe are close. Protect yourselves and don’t open up too much to them because you never know what they will do with the information they have or if and when they will end the friendship.

  5. Justine says:

    Sometimes people are working on themselves, striving to better themselves and become better people, and feel that a friend’s dysfunction is holding them back. No one has the right to prevent or hamper another person’s development, but dysfunctional people will often claim “self-absorbed” rejection by friends who are growing past or away from them. No one is “owed” a particular friendship or relationship for a lifetime. I’d say it’s time to do a little self-evaluation if you’re repeatedly – or even just once – dumped by a friend or partner.

    • Suzyq says:

      You are right Justine no one has the right to prevent or hamper another person’s development. When we have a friendship for a reasonable amount of time, or share with someone very personal or sensitive information about ourselves it troubling that someone can cut someone off rather than try to explain in some small way that they are ending the friendship. If the person cutting off the friendship is unable to explain and has done the fair majority of unloading personal issues of their own they may need to know they will be thought of as a “user”. If there is lying involved by the one on their “personal journey” they may need to take stock themselves as often the person they have cut off is aware of their friend’s behaviour. How sad that someone can see cutting someone off as growing away from someone instead of just having a coffee every now and then, or posting up on Facebook their outings with other friends and then telling the friend that they haven’t been anywhere when they weren’t even asked. Sounds like an immaturity problem.

      • Rudy says:

        It is a selfish , cowardly, and cruel act to drop a friend Suddenly with no communication. If it was done to a marital partner it would be considered as such. In my opinion they were never a real friend to begin with.

    • J says:

      I agree and disagree with you. If someone is a sociopath or narcissist, it may be wise to part ways, but even these people are owed an explanation..such as “I can’t be around you because the relationship is toxic, and you need help.” Usually, people in these categories won’t seek the help because they lack the will to take personal responsibility for their actions. We all have problems and flaws, but a real friend will give even when the friend can be difficult. We are all difficult at times, but I think everyone should be validated enough to be given a reason as to why he or she is being dropped. Not answering an email or phone call at least once with an explanation as to why you are dropping that person as a friend shows that you never valued the friendship in the first place. If a person keeps emailing, calling, or showing up at your house even after you explained to them that you needed a break, or want out of the friendship, than that is a problem. Otherwise, I think it is hurtful to just dump someone you have been friends with for a while and not acknowledge the problem at all. At least give an explanation to the person due to the mere fact that they are a human with feelings, and just as valid as YOU. I think a person should know the reason at the very least if this person meant anything to you at all.

    • MotherDeuce says:

      And sometimes, people who are already dysfunctional blame others for their own failings, and justify mistreating or dumping good friends by convincing themselves they’re just “striving to be better.”

      While there are instances where a friend group can be negatively influencing you, there are also instances where the friend doing the dumping is acting foolishly and selfishly. Friendship is a give and take relationship, and maintaining a deep friendship, for many years, means you’ll probably see your friend when they aren’t at their best. We do owe our friends our loyalty and patience. That’s what makes us trustworthy and more than just “fair weather friends.”

      If you have a history of dumping friends in order to “grow,” you might just be a disloyal and selfish person. Or else you’re really bad at choosing your friends. Either way, maybe doing your own soul searching would be a better way to “grow” than dumping friends.

      Choosing to implode a trusted relationship, when someone hasn’t committed a serious offense, is likely a mistake. Relationships wax and wane naturally as we change, grow, and need different things, but once you’ve officially “dumped” a friend, YOU’VE committed a serious offense, and things won’t go back to normal later, if you decide you made a mistake.

  6. FreeSpirit says:

    Psychopaths/Narcissists/Sociopaths have no conscience and no empathy. I call them POD People. They are evil and they are everywhere. Only a purely evil person could stab a long time friend in the back with the cruelty that I read on some of these posts. Jesus calls them TARES. They are human on the exterior only.

    • Kath says:

      You are right. I’m not religious but I had 2 friends that fitted those labels. Difficult to understand and sad really but we can’t blame ourselves.

  7. Scott L. says:

    5 1/2 years ago, I had “Lynette,” my closest friend of *45* years end the friendship. It looks like I was “sacrificed” in favor of her job.

    30 years ago I moved out of state but kept in touch at least 2x a month via phone. “Lynette” and her husband got divorced and I felt bad that I wasn’t up there to try and keep them together; basically our friendship was that we would be there for each other.

    In the summer of 2010 she got on Facebook and did not send me a friend request. I sent her several and she declined each time. I called her; left voice messages; e-mailed her and asked her what was wrong. She writes back, giving me a song and dance that she’s always out which is why she never called me back and her job will monitor her page and her friends list and that my liberal politics are too much and she will be fired, and I can’t understand, too bad.

    I tell some mutual friends what she said to me. She heard about it and then sent me a threatening e-mail that said I broke the law and she would have me arrested. To say I was in shock would be an understatement.

    Naturally she blocked me on Facebook and refused to return e-mails and phone calls. Again, this happened 5 1/2 years ago and yes it still hurts.

    Was I sacrificed for some reason? I will never know.

  8. M says:

    I have read some posts and I can identify with some of the experiences when it comes to having a friend “dump” you for no real reason. For the past six years I have taken an elderly friend out for dinner at an upscale inn on Christmas Day. Reservations are required for this traditional inn, and you have to book a year in advance to secure an arrangement. I had no contact from “this friend” as I tried to reach out to them. At the last minute and out of the blue, they cancelled our arrangement stating that they had “other plans for Christmas”. I was miffed. I had to call the inn to cancel our reservation. I am now cooking Christmas dinner with just one other person at home.

    I am angry that they have let me down like this. I am a decent person and I always went out of my way to help this individual. As a result, I have decided not to contact this person again. I am angry and hurt that they did not communicate with me properly.

    I have called another friend and we are going to go out this week. They are very supportive and understanding. This is helping me through what I have recently experienced from my so called “other friend”. Again, I am a really nice person and I don’t think I deserved this treatment.

    Signed,

    Having to make other arrangements for Christmas!

    • BluerEdpb says:

      I need advice. My best friend is absolutely icing me out. Dropping me like a hot potatoe. 🙁 he won’t talk about what’s wrong, is very short with me and when I ask if he will come over to talk he says, “it’s not that easy.” Wtf does that mean? He does have a GF but she is away on holiday/business trip. He doesn’t reply to my texts anymore, and I know he’s upset about some things.. We have been friends for more than 10 years. I don’t want to give up on him.. We are like two peas in a pod but this has upset me 🙁 what should I do ??

      • Nola Susan says:

        Dear BluerEdpb,

        It is very sad that you found out so late (after 10 years) that your ‘friend’ is not available to you. It is my experience that we can never depend on others – even so called ‘friends’ – for our happiness. We must find that within ourselves. When a ‘friend’ finally reveals him/her self and their true colors, then we know. And, we know that we can not, nor should we ever, depend on them – for anything. Try clearing your heart (I know this is NOT easy), but in truth in fact, they were not your friend all along. It is indeed hard to find ‘true blue’ friends these days, but not impossible. Best of luck to you. I feel your pain.

    • taytum says:

      i believe you are overreacting on this one. the person called you up and was direct about not being able to go. ‘i had to call and cancel the reservation’—- uh, so what? that’s not a big deal. it was a dinner at a restaurant, so it’s not as if you have cooked for the occasion already. what else do you expect them to do?? you sound very self-involved. maybe this person isn’t feeling well, or had a close friend die, or any number of other things. instead you are worried about ONE canceled dinner?

      your comment also makes it sound like you feel like you deserve to be praised to taking out this elderly person to dinner. like you want to feel like some sort of savior…people who are good people do things out of the goodness of their own heart, whether they get a thank you or not. just because you did a nice thing doesnt mean you deserve to be praised like a hero.

  9. G says:

    Hi,

    I know this post was ages ago but i would like to say my story and see what you think,

    I had a group of 3 friends lets say their names where A, B and C,

    I had (and have) all my classes with A and one day we where going up to one of our classes that we HATE (i used to but not anymore) the teacher who teaches it, lets call her D.

    Now i’m not going into detail (incase they see this) but D accused A of not doing something and threatened a punishment well, i am a very fair person, and as i saw this injustice happen i was shocked as i saw her do it so she asked me to tell her (as a witness) what i saw and i told her (i completely regret this) screaming! A joined in and then we got called out of the class.

    We both got into trouble (me a suspension her a detention) and when i resumed school she completely blocked me out and started to pull people from me.

    I tried talking and stuff and the shouted at me, calling me names i do not want to repeat and when i was walking home Bs ( who wan’t in the class btw) MUM called me and asking to talk to my mum! I said no way and hun up and blocked all the people at my schools numbers.

    I was so scared and told my mum and she said that was ok so i was fine. When i got back the next day i apologised to my teachers and i tried to work it out with A and she just told me to go away in a coarser language so anyways they shut me off from all people in my grade (seriously) and i have received lots of bulling and have only just started to win back my mutual friends

    hope this is helpful!

    Thanks : ) xx

  10. Calendula says:

    I have dumped a friend because she had kids and I didn’t. All she ever talked about was what the baby did, what the other one said blah blah blah. I was bored to tears. I was actually happy for her and her newfound joy. I wanted her to be a good mom, but I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm. I wanted to go to adult restaurants and clubs. I had no use for listening about toilet training and oatmeal messes and cute baby talk.
    I had a friend dump me because I started going to church. Maybe she was worried that I would begin preaching, or that I would quit drinking, or whatever it was, but when I offered my time and companionship, she said thanks but no thanks.
    I dumped someone who was addicted. She always needed a ride somewhere. She had me in places and situations where I could have been arrested. She figured I wouldn’t know that she was seeing duplicate doctors or using duplicate pharmacies. She acted as if I should be grateful and honored that she trusted me, and therefore want to do more favors for her. I felt used and endangered. She couldn’t understand what she “did”. I wasn’t angry, I was afraid for my own welfare.
    Another friend dumped me because I assumed that she would keep my secrets, cover for my misdeeds, and still be fascinated with my stories. She didn’t approve of my boyfriend, so I excluded her from events that he would be invited to also. She discovered that I was “managing” her, and was (rightfully) insulted and angry. I chose the boyfriend over her…but it should have been in reverse. She was more loyal that he was. I was stupid.
    Sometimes it’s on you. Sometimes it’s on them. It happens.

    • victimizedbygeezer says:

      Thank you Calendula. You summed up 60 years of my pain in one post. I could have written that word for word it fit that well. God bless.

    • taytum says:

      see, the stories you have listed are very good reasons to dump (and be dumped by) friends…what some people, including myself, don’t get is when it comes out of nowhere. the dumpings i have experienced did not come out of me being a turbulent or bad friend.

      i have a childhood friend that has recently done this to me. about a month ago, i asked her out to dinner because i hadn’t seen or spoken to her in about a year. we go and have a great time. she was headed to hawaii the following week to meet up with her new (overseas) lover. she was really excited, and she said we’d hang out after she gets back.

      well, i was excited for her, but also slightly worried (i didnt say i was though) because she literally just met the guy the month before when she went to another country. they’d been skyping for a month and decided to go to hawaii together. in my mind, he could be a serial killer or human trafficker…again, i didnt say any of this.

      but when i knew she would be back, i texted her, ‘how was the trip?’ no response.
      a few days later, ‘are you back???’ (because i was worried)
      no response.

      …i looked on facebook and she’d posted about being back…yet she didn’t feel the need to text me back at all! i’ve known this girl for 20 years!! don’t i deserve a single text back?

      i’m both upset and angry over it. i literally dont know what i did that caused her to shut me out. but it seems like she is not going to give any effort to us remaining friends.

      oh yea- at dinner i asked her why she changed her phone number. she said that her old number was connected to her work and she didnt want to wait to switch when she quit her job. fair enough. when i was trying to get a hold of her, i called one of her other old friends (elizabeth)- who also did not know her new number! i asked her about this. she said that when she told elizabeth that she had sex with this new guy on the first date, elizabeth, who is very conservative, said ‘oh, why do you do this to yourself?’ my friend didnt like the judgement so that’s why she didn’t inform elizabeth she changed her number…also, fair enough.

      …i do wonder if all this is because she recently went through a divorce after only being married for a couple of years. maybe she feels like a failure and doesn’t want to face all the people that smiled at her and congratulated her and gave her presents for her wedding…maybe she feels ashamed? it would explain why she is shutting out old friends and hanging out with her new work friends all the time (that’s all that i see on her facebook, anyway.)

      on the other hand, i spent hundreds of dollars on her wedding gifts but now evidently dont even deserve a text-back. doesn’t history count for anything? evidently not to some people. it’s heartbreaking.

    • J says:

      The first situation that you discussed about the friend with the kids-grow up.

    • Hermes says:

      you RECEIVE what you give. You dumped someone for talking about a topic you had no interest in, you should have told her. seems shallow. so that’s why YOU were dumped…people forget we get what we give….so….not a good point there.

  11. High Voltage says:

    I’ve had former friends drop our friendship all of a sudden. Therefore, I can relate to your experience. It’s usually been with my prior female friends. Maybe they found a jealous boyfriend and they may have not wanted their new girlfriends being friends with other guys. I can understand that to
    some degree. Then again being a 45 year old male, I never liked the idea of women having 99 percent of their friends being male. Sorry for going off in a tangent.

    In your case, I don’t mean this in any negative way towards you, however maybe Bella wasn’t a friend to begin with. The bottom line is, that it’s also Bella’s loss. You sound like a very sincere young lady that deserves real friends.

  12. Lee says:

    Hi Alicia,

    I know this post was a couple years ago, but I wanted to explain my experience and what I’ve learned from it through a new friend I made a few years later. I had a huge falling out with my best friend back in 2011 when we were teenagers.

    We met each other kindergarten and became closer throughout middle school, but the time we were juniors, something happened where she did indeed change. Since we were only teenagers, I thought that having a Best Friend meant spending almost everyday together because that’s what we’d do. Then one day I had texted her: “Do you wanna hangout?” she texted me saying: “No” and then all I asked was: “Why” She responded saying: “because you’re over-obsessive” and a stalker, which did hurt me really bad after she said.
    -There was so much going on where I didn’t understand what was happening where I had kept texting her and bugging her because she was my best friend. There was also a lot more that she said but it’s too long to explain.

    Also, in middle school I met a new friend through my best friend where we weren’t super close at first, but now we’re like “connected at the hip.” In high school, my friend S started hangout with me while J had made new friends herself. Super long story short: I basically got bullied my best-friend. I started to become closer to my friend S especially through college where we just clicked.

    Either in 2013, or last my friend A came into the picture and she explained to me what happened with mine and J’s fight is that I got too attached to her where she didn’t like that. She also explained to me that J didn’t feel like she had “freedom” when she was with me. My friend A has also taught me that the meaning of Best Friendship isn’t about spending consistent time together where it actually means that it’s at a deeper level of emotional and psychological communication. It also involves sharing a close connection together in different ways.

    I will also say that when someone treats you so badly, it’s not worth being their friend. I’m also gonna say that J pretty much treated me like crap. Something did keep pulling me back to her where I’d text her randomly, but I’ve recently realized that if she doesn’t put in as much effort as she used to, what’s the point? The last thing is that she also changed way too much for me where both our personalities are completely different.

    I used letters because I didn’t want to use my friends’ full names.

    • victimizedbygeezer says:

      Hi Lee. Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

  13. Po says:

    Hi Alicia,

    I have dumped my friends before, not once but twice. Let me share with you my reasons. They may not be the same reasons as to why your friend, Bella dumped you. But I hoped what I am going to share may shed some new light to the problem.

    The first time I dumped a friend happened when she and I went for an exchange programme overseas together for nearly 2 months. At first, I didn’t want to go. After she begged me for a few times, I surrendered because she told me that she was scared that she would be left out and feel sad and lonely. When we went there, she mingled well with her new group of friends and ignored me most of the time. But I have to say, until now, I am not sure if this justify my behaviour of dumping her. I only knew that it hurts and I didnt know how to put them in words.

    The second dumping incident happened recently. This was a totally different case because it was not caused by a single event. In this instance, the thought of dumping them (3 friends) and leaving this group has been in my head since probably 2 years ago. I didnt leave them earlier because I thought I should be making a lot of friends. It was good to have some companionship or have someone to share new things and stories about themselves. It was also fun to gossip and sometimes talk bad about other people. But I was wrong. Now, I totally realise that I am not that kind of person.I was suffering inside unknowingly. Firstly, I actually dont need so much companionship. I like to just stay at home and read, watch movies or youtube. Yet, at that time, I thought the right thing was to go out and mingle with friends – it was really tiring for me. It got even more tiring and intimidating when i refused to go out with them on a few occasions. Secondly, I dont like to listen to gossip and hearing them talk back about other people. It just made me wonder if they did the same thing behind my back. Also, it just shows how bad their character was. Thirdly, they are not the kind of person with good-temper and soothing voice. It was really hard to make them understand what I was thinking because they would always argue back.

    Some reflections on my side…

    Amy said in her comment that Bella might not be assertive enough. I think this is applicable to me too. I should have made my stand when I disagree with what they said or did. Also, I was seem to be too gentle and not having much opinions. Hence, they became comfortable enough to vent their anger on me or show a nasty side of themselves. I didnt demand for the respect that I deserve.

    Am I Narcissistic? I asked myself this question for a very long time. I even did the online psychological test. The result was: I am not. On the contrary, before the second dumping, I was actually someone who liked to listen to my friends, be it happy or sad news. I liked to feel close to people by sharing stories about ourselves. However, looking back, I feel that I should not make friends blindly. I should be looking for friends who will also listen to my stories. This is how a friendship should work.

    Honestly speaking, I feel sad than happy for dumping these friends, mainly because I have created an angelic image for them and destroyed it overnight. I know they might have cried over this. I feel sorry but I cannot bring myself to tell them the reasons. Also, like what they have done previously, they will probably argue back and not listen to me. But I am glad that I understand myself more from these failed friendship. I promised myself to be more assertive and stronger.

    PS: Alicia, I hope this helps.

  14. Amy says:

    Don’t know how to word this so I will just say it like this. My husbands friend and his girl friend was always calling us wanting us to go everywhere with them. We have a new Harley so they had to go trade theirs in for one like ours but not a brand new one. We went 4 wheeling my husband and I have our own 4 wheelers now she thinks she has to have her own. I’m looking at a new Harley for myself now she’s wanting one of her own. The last time we went riding with a bunch some of us couldn’t go down a cliff to look at some water falls so 5 of us waited on the side of the road for over 2 hrs on them. So me and my husband leave and head home. She will only hang with couples that she thinks she looks better than her. She has quit talking or asking us to go any where with them because some of the girls where telling me how pretty and white my teeth is and is always complementing me on my clothes. Now she doesn’t ask us to go with them anywhere.

  15. Georgina says:

    Well my best friend… former best friend. Won’t talk to me anymore, the last time he came to my house I said cya tomorrow and I didn’t. You see we grew up together but now we have started at different high schools everything has all changed. Me and him were Georgina and Kyle, Kyle and Georgina (he was a guy and I’m a girl) and he’s replaced me with another girl, Ella. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything, called him, texted him, emailed him, even gone to his house! Nothings worked he just ignores me. And I’ve looked over all the messages I’ve sent him and thought about everything I’ve said, I can’t think of anything I’ve done wrong, I don’t get it. I’m working on a letter to send him, and even if I send it to him, its gonna be the last attempt to stay in touch. And so many people say just forget about him, but the truth I can’t. We’ve been through so much, we’ve got so many memories. I can’t just forget them, I can’t forget him. I’ve asked 1 million people and they’ve told me to forget him. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore, he’s my best friend and if i loose him, I’ll never be the same again. My heart will be broken forever.

    • Susan says:

      I know how you feel. The truth of the matter is that your friend was not obviously a true blue friend in the first place, because if he was, he would at least respond to your emails, texts. Do not expect to get a response from him by writing him a letter. Put yourself first, and if you have any belief in God, put Him first and ask him to send you a true blue friend.

      True Blue definition:

      ‘True blue’ is supposed to derive from the blue cloth that was made at Coventry, England in the late middle ages. The town’s dyers had a reputation for producing material that didn’t fade with washing, i.e. it remained ‘fast’ or ‘true’. The phrase ‘as true as Coventry blue’ originated then and is still used (in Coventry at least). The town’s standing was recorded in 1670 by John Ray in the first edition of A Compleat Collection of English Proverbs:

      “Coventry had formerly the reputation for dying of blues; insomuch that true blue became a Proverb to signifie one that was always the same and like himself.”

      ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT FROM SOMEONE WHO IS WORTHY OF YOUR TRUE BLUE FRIENDSHIP.

  16. Pombanpom says:

    I too have a strange friendship that just ended and I was not confronted not consulted about it. My so called Friend of 5 years is a strange woman, she smiles and laughs when I make jokes. She listens to me about my woes even tho my woes are played up with lots of laughter and jokes from my end. So no dreary sobbing stories here. She says how can I joke about such things and i said I can because I have no way to correct them. So best is to laugh about it. She says I wish I could be like you and take things so lightly. Well even tho she may have liked this about me. the fact of the matter is that she herself was unable to smile, laugh and or see life for the good it had in it. Nevertheless, we went out not often mainly to dinner. We are both middle aged women. I am married she is divorced and cant find a man. My marriage is not exactly peaches and cream. But all that aside we usually talk small talk and just life’s stuff etc. Recently in December I became ill. and well I did her a wrong, becuase becoming ill was like being plagued. Ever since I told her I was ill she started to avoid me. I would write and tell her how I was doing even if she didnt ask. she would ignore the mails. For christmas she sent me a text bla bla. I replied with a longer text she ignored it. I got back home from spending vacation over xmas with my hubby and dogs. I told her I was back in town and hope she had a nice christmas herself. she ignored the email. I text her on Whatsapp to say hi stranger did you get my email. She answered Yes I saw it. Well saw and replying and acnokwledging was one thing, but she totally ignored it. then ond day she writes me a longish email asking me how I was able to get better and how some friend of hers has the same problem and she wants to know what I did to get better. DUHHHH I sent all that information in the long emails that she simply ignored. I told her when I see her I will tell her all over again. I asked when we wold meet. She said today March 22 for dinner at an asian restaurant. There was a little back and forth about which place to choose. We finally agreed to a place. I asked should I make the reservation? she ignored it. A week later I asked again did you make a reservation or should I seeing that you didnt answer my last text. Her reply was : HI; CANCELLING THE APPOINTMENT: BYE. I am still stunned. I was very hurt as she was a person you had to handle with kids gloves. You must always do what she likes and NEVER dare change plans, that was not an option. I felt like I was always nervous if I was a minute late or even suggested another venue if she had suggested something. We both live in Europe and I am from the USA. I am still shocked and upset at her cold and abrupt cancellation without explanation. I still cant understand why she did this. I have been itching to call and ask why she treated me this way and how she would not want anybody to to this to her. I dont know what to do. I am in a foreign country and she was really the only so called friends I had.

    • Lonnie F. Hamel says:

      Sweetie. That woman is a bitch. Reminds me of the saying, “I asked God to remove my enemies, and I lost all my friends.” Why run after someone who clearly has no respect for you? You are a precious treasure, a child of the living God, bride of Christ. Lift that sweet little chin and smile. God couldn’t bring you the better friend until that. witch was out of the way.

  17. Ginny says:

    I have made friends the eight years I have lived here, over a thousand miles from family and old friends. As a new Christian my old friendships deteriorated. They thought I was strange. We still connect from time to time, but not close anymore. I am ok with this. I understand 1000 plus miles, marriage, children and dif belief systems caused rejection. What I dont understand is how strange and unfriendly people can be that call themselves Christians. it seems they take one look at you and they are offended by your very presence. Also, many do not love unconditionally as they should. I can be intense at times I think. I where my heart on my sleeve. However, i try to back off and give people space if I sense they are tuning me out. I have more emotional control now than when I was newer Christian. I was hurting very deeply though with many life changes and rejection for my new faith from family. People just refuse to embrace me. Or they did for a time and now we rarely if ever speak. I am very empathetic to others though. I pray for them, support them, listen too. Sometimes I talk too much about my problems, but It does not bother me to hear others. I would love to get together with other young couples, watch movies, play games, and not even talk about serious stuff, but it seems to be my default, and no one is interested. We dont get invited anywhere. when we did our friend who was older could not help it seemed, but compare us to other “Godly” families with perfect children. Clearly ours were not. What I know is no one is perfect and i am very accepting of people, even damaging ones, to the point I have to let go sometimes. forgive si many times but, Some people can be abusive in their words and attitudes toward you. I just wonder why no close friendships. Everyone seems either too wild for us, we’re prudes apparently, or too “smart”. People can be cruel human hearts are desperately wicked. Just got to love forgive and be kind. Look to Jesus author and defender of our faith, faithful friend! I am also over sensitive and vent to people too much… The wrong people!

  18. Annon says:

    I have been on the receiving end of this situation, and have also had to cut ties with someone that I was just beginning to become friends with. Here’s why I slowly began backing away and cutting ties. This is intended to help you heal, not make things worse. There were several clues along the way that she either didn’t want to see or was entirely clueless.

    It all started when her daughter started hitting and spitting on my daughter during playdates. IN FRONT OF US! Naturally, this upset me quite a bit. Not because of the actual assault but because she defended her daughter each time. Her daughter and my daughter are both six-years-old. It was always that she didn’t get enough sleep, or that her daughter felt threatened and needed more personal space, OR that my daughter believing in Santa scared her daughter. I then spent some time around her other children, and realized that her parenting style and beliefs were so different from my own that it was impossible to be friends with her. Essentially, all her 3 children’s immediate response to anything is to kick, hit and spit. Spit?! I did share how much it troubled and upset me that she allowed her daughter to hit my daughter with zero consequences. She felt that I was overreacting and that something else was going on with me that had nothing to do with her daughter or my daughter. I assured her that I was fine, but I was not fine with the situation. I now take her calls because we still have kids in the same class and school, neighborhood, etc. But I no longer have playdates or want to hang out with her and be her friend. Rather than have a big blow out, and lots and lots of drama, I just make up excuses why we can’t get together.

  19. Vera Shell says:

    A similar thing happened to me. I had a friend for nearly 15 years. We have
    Kids the same age, were pregnant together, hung out all the time, she was
    Truly my BFF. Her family and my family went on a vacation together. Something we’ve done before. We had a blast. Everyone got along, as usual. Once we got back from the vacation, within 2 weeks, she slowly distanced herself from me. Then I got hit with a bomb. I was told by a mutual friend that my friend and her daughter (whom I still consider one of my own) got saved and baptized. I am a very spiritual God loving woman. She and I always shared in things like this-especially in things like this. I was really upset. I call her and casually talk to her and then ask her when her daughter was being baptized (because I knew her daughter was getting baptized I just didn’t know when-and we didn’t attend the same church). She casually said,”oh, that happened last weekend.” I asked her why didn’t she let me know because I considered her daughter as my own. And I’d especially want to be there to celebrate my BFF’s salvation. She just said,” don’t know, just didn’t think about you”….. That stabbed me through the back straight through to my heart. I began to cry and asked her why she was acting so cold toward me. She just continued to be cold and just ‘matter if fact’. No explaination. No reasoning. Nothing. That happened 3 years ago and it still hurts. I have still not gotten an explaination for her actions. I do know that she immediately took up with a girl friend that went to her church at the time. (She has left that church now.) a woman that she is still BFFs with I assume. They do all the things she and I used to do together for 15 years. Go out for birthdays, go yard selling, spend time with each other’s kids, etc. I guess my REAL question is this: How was I so replaceable ? Just snap, gone. How were my kids that she and her family had known all their lives so replaceable?

    I still to this day, guard my friendships. I will only let my kids and my husband in to the point of completeness. I just can’t do it. She hurt me. We now will occasionally speak on Facebook or texting but I honestly have not had a real conversation with her since that last phone call. What causes someone to drop someone like a hot rock like that? I have some really good friends now. But I only let it go so far. No big time hanging out, coming over to one another’s house to hang for dinner and a movie, no yard selling weekend trips…… I just have trust issues. And I had those BEFORE this happened. This really blew me out of the water! I have girlfriends always saying,”hey, come go with me ‘here’ or ‘there'”…… I’m always finding an excuse not to go. And these are good friends. But I will lose them if I keep this up! Where do I go from here?

    • Lonnie F. Hamel says:

      Vera Shell, hi. It hurts bad. You completely trust and then get stabbed in the back. Did you know that when Joyce Meyer was called to ministry by God, her church kicked her out? Her husband was a deacon, she lost her job at the church and her special parking place. ALL HER FRIENDS DUMPED HER. Yes. It nearly killed her. Do you think they feel like assholes now? She has a worldwide ministry and is probably the most loved female religious figure on the planet. Hardships prepare you for a great destiny. And you don’t have room in your life for phony hypocrites. Thank God for cutting the dead wood out of your life. Jesus will be the best friend you will ever have.

  20. Sharon says:

    I think this remark, “A mutual roommate always had the idea that she was your friend if you are going her way but if it doesn’t suit her anymore she’ll dump you in a heartbeat.” may be most indicative of your ex-friend’s personality. Some people are your best friend when it’s all about them but when you need something from them it becomes altogether too much effort.

    We agonize over the loss of some friendships, replaying everything in our minds in an effort to find answers. Some people are takers, some people can dismiss others in a heartbeat simply because they can, or someone new has more to offer. Some folks are callous and lack empathy. I’ve seen this behaviour over and over for years from my sister and my father and they behave in this manner and remain completely unphased.

    • Suzyq says:

      Spot on Sharon. I call them the unaffected, these people who do not care or seem “unaffected” by things they do that hurt others. There is those that are like these and the rest of us who seem to have feelings and genuinely care for others. Yes I just lost that friend who it wasn’t convenient for to travel my way. Now I have care for myself more than for her so I hold my head up and say enough and leave well enough alone beyond civilities if she can’t behave in an adult manner. Sad but true at our middle age…

      • Lynn says:

        There are Wheat and there are Tares. I believe the secular term for Tares is sociopathy/narcissism/psychopathy. These people have no empathy (except for themselves) and no conscience. They are human on the outside only. I truly believe there are two different species of “humans” on the planet. The one’s with no conscience usually rise to the top and become our rulers/leaders and are behind a lot of the wars and human misery on the planet. These “Tares” are everywhere nowadays.

  21. Amy says:

    I think Dee has a legitimate point.
    Poor communication skills seem to be the downfall of many relationships. Perhaps Bella wasn’t assertive enough to tell you things that troubled her about your relationship when they were occurring, and she felt forced to make a clean break.
    Perhaps the relationship has reached an uncomfortable level of emotional intimacy and you missed the signs she was trying to step back. Perhaps you violated her boundaries, although those boundaries may have been unclear to you.
    Perhaps you didn’t read her nonverbal cues well. Perhaps anything.
    Sometimes we just don’t have the answers. Sometimes it’s our fault, sometimes theirs, usually it takes two people to make or break a friendship.
    In all likelihood, you’ll never know the exact reasons, she may not even know those reasons to tell you.
    If this is an anomaly, and not a pattern, you might have to chalk the relationship up to one without answers. If this is a pattern for you, you probably want to examine more what you’re doing to contribute to the problem, maybe even try therapy if you can’t figure it out.
    Most people I know don’t like to be talked about. You might want to hold back on talking to her friends or family, even out of concern. You can ask how she’s doing if you happen to see someone, but analyzing her motivations with others could get back to her.
    The older I get, the more I’ve had friends in and out of my life through school, moving, kids, jobs, losing touch and then regaining touch. You never know, if you leave your mind and heart open. People grow and mature over decades.

  22. Dee says:

    This jumped out at me: “In 2008, after 12 years, she just dropped me from one day to another. I had just gone through a breakup with a guy six weeks prior, was exhausted and never feeling like myself at the moment but I was getting myself out of it … She has just got a new job.” This is going to sound unsympathetic, but maybe, just maybe, there’s more to this than the writer is letting on. I’ve had friends who’ve ended romantic relationships and some of them became absolutely unbearable to deal with as a friend: calling me at all hours to cry, wanting to spend hours analyzing what went wrong, and being completely oblivious to what was going on in my own life, like making a major career change or going through cancer treatment. Maybe the friend had had it with the moaning and walked away. It’s too bad the writer didn’t get some closure and I think it would have been better for the friend to tell her why she walked away, but on the other hand, maybe the friend had 12 years of experience dealing with too much drama and needed to make a clean break.

    • Susan says:

      Dee,

      I did not interpret Alecia’s story as ‘her burdening’ the so called ‘friend’ Bella with her problems. If that were the case they would not have been friends for 12 years. According to one of the roommates ‘If things were going her way, you were her friend, and if things were not going her way, you were dumped” … leads me to believe that this Bella is a classic Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic. Narcissists only are around as long as you are feeding them “supply” – that is attention, praise, gifts – and when you aren’t doing that any longer, you are discarded like a piece of trash. You can be fooled by them also, as they are expert charmers and liars. Alicia, good riddance to Bella. If you are still obsessing over her it might be a good idea to get to a Codependents Anonymous group and find out why you put up with Bella’s behavior. Good Luck!

    • Maddie says:

      I was thinking the same thing. Break ups hurt but are not the end of the world though some women act that way. It’s exhausting.

    • taytum says:

      the pure lack of empathy in this post only shows what kind of bad friend you are. friends are there for each other through thick AND thin…you dont get to choose how other people are doing in their lives. you seem very self-involved to me, and seem like exactly the kind of person that would end a 12 year friendship because you are ‘annoyed’ the friend is in pain. how pathetic.

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