Ditched: Two friends are sort of ditching a third

A teen’s two friends seem to be ditching her, leaving her feeling disappointed.

QUESTION

Hi,

I’m currently having trouble with my two friends, whom I’ll call Friend A and Friend B.

I’ve known Friend A for a pretty long time; about two years ago she made friends with Friend B and introduced us to each other, and for a while we did everything together. It was great and we had a lot of fun.

One day, out of the blue, Friend A found out that Friend B and I occasionally hang out together without her (which I didn’t think was a big deal; we’d been friends for months and I know she hangs out with me and her separately too). We even told her to come around, but she suddenly went huffy and told us that she didn’t want to.

Two days later Friend A and I were supposed to hang out with mutual friends and she quietly snubbed and ignored me. I was really annoyed with her and talked to Friend B. Turns out I was the only one being snubbed. Now Friend B doesn’t want to hang out with me alone anymore because she’s afraid there’ll be another blow up (even though Friend A insists that she wasn’t angry and has since then calmed down).

Now Friend A rarely has time and every time I try to get the three of us together it doesn’t work out, because if she can’t come nobody comes. A few weeks ago I then found out that they’ve been meeting a lot without me and suddenly I’m completely friendless.

I’m so annoyed with Friend B’s spineless behavior and Friend A’s selfishness, that I’m thinking about breaking off the friendship, even though that would mean I’d be alone again. I honestly already feel alone.

Does it even make sense to try and salvage things when I am so deeply disappointed with both of them? My mom insists I should ‘use’ them for my social needs, since they only ‘use’ me the same way, but at this point seeing them only stresses me out.

Thank you so much for your advice, your blog is really awesome!

Signed, Jenna

ANSWER

Hi Jenna,

I’m glad you wrote. After reading your letter, I can tell you are questioning whether you should “use” your friends. My thinking is that the teen years are stressful enough without continuing relationships that fuel the tension.

You aren’t satisfied with these relationships and the drama, and I don’t think continuing in this pattern will lead you toward happiness. In fact, using your friends will tie up your time and energy, and may prevent you from moving forward with new relationships.

Friendships with three people can be complicated and jealousies can arise, even when all of the friends are healthy and mature. In your case A sounds both jealous and controlling, and B seems to be passive and a follower. This is a recipe for continuing drama.

My advice would be to step away, without “burning bridges”. Continue to be kind to A and B. (Perhaps, this is what your mom has in mind.) Seek out new people to hang out with among your peers at school, neighborhood and outside activities. Most friendships start as acquaintances; you might already have potential new relationships. Go slowly, friendships take some time to feel close.

You should be very proud of yourself. You sound like a healthy young woman with good relationship skills. Those are great assets to bring to a friendship and your new pals will be lucky to find you.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

Tags: ditched, ditching, teens, three, threesome

Category: Teen friendships