Ditched by an ex-friend at my condo
A woman ditched by a neighbor, who once was a friend, feels devastated.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
Just devastated. Platonic friend who pursued me for a friendship when he moved into my condo building two years ago has been less than wonderful to me lately. I hosted birthday dinners, including one for him, his partner and a female friend of his.
He was the one who initiated the dinner get-togethers in the first place when he was pursuing my friendship. He and his female platonic friend now do not reciprocate or invite me to anything. He won’t even join me for coffee.
I am done jumping through hoops. She moved to our building last fall and they meet for dinner at one another’s homes at least once a week. Go figure.
Signed, Randi
ANSWER
Hi Randi,
It always hurts when a friend ditches us, ending the friendship unilaterally, without saying why.
While these types of breakups hurt under ordinary circumstance, the pain is exacerbated when you have to run into the person from time to time. This can happen when people make friends at the office or make friends in an apartment building or condo development.
Of course, it’s impossible for me to speculate about what happened. Have you told him that you miss getting together and asked if you did something to offend him?
If you haven’t been able to ask or get an honest answer, you may just need to move one. Although it will take some time to get over being ditched by someone you thought was a friend, over time I hope that you’ll be able to replace this friendship with another. You also may want to fill your spare hours (once spent with these friends) with some other social activity that brings you pleasure. When you see these once-friends in passing, simply act cordially.
Of course, after a negative ending to a friendship like this one, you may even question whether it’s worthwhile to forge friendships with people who live or work nearby. But, in general, the upsides of having a convenient and satisfying friendship with someone with whom you share much in common is well worth the risk.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: Getting over getting dumped, HANDLING BREAKUPS
My guess is the female platonic friend saw you as a threat. She is trying to unplatonicize him. That isn’t even a word but you catch my drift. I know females. I am one. They are cold heartless creatures sometimes and give little care for anyone or anything other than their selfish wants and needs.
I think one common reason would be that he just didn’t feel it enough to continue the friendship for the long haul.
Another common reason I can think of would be if his partner didn’t like you or felt threatened by you for some reason.
I would just accept it, as you have. We are probably all on both sides of this at different times and it’s more of a mis-match than either really doing anything wrong. People say they want to know why but do they truly want to hear (or tell someone else) that the feeling for them just isn’t there? Still, it doesn’t feel very good. Sorry. 🙁
I also have had a similar situation.
I have come to the conclusion that there are givers
and takers. It’s not always easy to figure that out, but eventually it is very clear. One sided friendships
usually don’t last.
Easier said than done!
Neighbors make for convenient friends and awkward former friends. Sometimes friendships develop because of proximity rather than shared values and interests, and the only real basis is the convenient proximity. Chalk this up to a friendship that didn’t work out. Try not to let your hurt feelings interfere with being friendly and cordial when yay see him in the hall or parking lot, because that can make your home setting feel uncomfortable.
Amy
Part of your comments remind me of my neighbor. Over a year ago we were friendly when he was helping me with my computer, always saying I was welcome to ask for help. Several months later his behavior changed and because I never got a clear explanation, maybe he just didn’t want to help anymore. I decided to be polite and friendly anyway when I saw him in the future and the next few times he was more relaxed and seemed relieved I was friendly. Shrug. Who knows what happened?
I can possibly offer some insight into the computer thing, because my husband was, until our neighbors moved, “the computer guy.”
First, often even the simplest fix requires at least half an hour. Just diagnosing a problem can take an hour or more. Sometimes an entire Saturday (afternoon and evening) went to fixing our neighbor’s computer problems, like, for example, if the computer had a virus and the entire operating system had to be reinstalled. (Happened more than once.)
Our neighbor would show up at random times and want my husband to drop everything. If my husband could, he would. But sometimes we’d be getting ready to go somewhere and my husband had to tell him no. He would always help the neighbor after we got home. Once the neighbor showed up asking for help one or two days before tax day. My husband and I had been arguing moments before the knock on the door. Neighbor’s timing was horrible. That’s the only time I can remember my husband telling the neighbor no, basically shutting the door in the guy’s face, and not going over to help afterward.
The neighbor never did anything nice to thank my husband, never any “Hey, I’d like you to have this Starbucks gift card as a thank you for all the work you did on my computer over the weekend.” Nothing. In our town the charge for diagnostic work alone is $35.00. Factor in repair time, and I can estimate they easily got several hundred dollars worth of computer repairs for free from my husband.
We were friendly with these neighbors the rest of the time, like saying hello and making small talk if we happened to cross paths, but when they were knocking at our door, it was always because they needed something. Maybe your “computer guy” neighbor was starting to feel used?
Thanks for your input. Each time at the end of a help session, each brother (taking turns) would say “Let me know whenever you need help.” by leaving a note on their door. I’d do that, waiting sometimes several days, before checking again. I always accommodated their availability. There was nothing I could offer in exchange as a favor. We were friendly when crossing paths randomly and to make another connection I began learning a few words and phrases in their primary language for fun. Their parents enjoyed that, too. So everything seemed OK for these reasons, until it changed. Anyway, when I seem them now, they’re OK. I don’t know anyone else who can help, so if I can’t figure it out, I “ignore” the problem.
Did you compensate or gift him in any way for helping? Time is money. I don’t ask for help but when someone offers a gift card and note from me is always in their future.