Ditched by a gay friend when I started dating

It’s not uncommon for a gay friend or straight friend to feel threatened when a close friend falls in love with someone else—but extreme possessiveness can be a friendship killer.

QUESTION

Hi there!

I need some advice. I’ve been best friends with someone for about ten years and have also been very close to his sister. About six months ago I started dating someone after being single for over five years. During the first month of dating my boyfriend, I continually tried to call my friend to get together and he blew me off every time. I finally asked if I should take a hint that he didn’t want to see me and he erupted into an angry barrage of insults about how I was too busy getting a boyfriend to be around for him. He also mentioned that he had to find out from someone else that I was dating.

I tried many times to get him to go out with me. It was sort of something I wanted to tell him in person, but I ended up telling him over a text since it was the only way I could get in touch. He would have totally convinced me I was an awful person if I hadn’t looked over my texts to see my constant messages that went unanswered. It looked sort of pathetic.

I should add my friend is gay so this is not an issue of him having feelings for me. His sister also has given me the cold shoulder. I was really heartbroken by this. I thought my two closest friends would be happy for me. I apologized to him for making him feel not included… Even though I don’t think I was in the wrong. I try to think of how I would feel if he started dating someone. We had all been single for so long it was bound to be strange when one person got into a relationship.

He said he wanted to move on and just forget it. I was still hurt, but I knew he was too. Over the past few months we have been communicating, but not nearly as much as before. I’ve celebrated his birthday and gone out to dinner a few times. Last week was my birthday and I sent an invite to him and his sister. Neither responded. When I asked if he got my invite, he said he did but had tickets to a show. I asked how it was when I saw him today and he said it was nice.

By a fluke, I saw a flyer about the show he said he went to on my birthday and it doesn’t come to town until next week. I’m so hurt. I feel crushed. I have spent countless nights crying and laughing with the two of them. My parents took him on a trip to Italy with us. I just don’t know what to do. I am making all the effort.

This seems to be a pattern with him. He has lost many friends when they get into relationships. He either gets into a huge blowout or quietly drops them. I’m not sure if it is coming from jealously or he is trying to end the friendship before he gets hurt. I don’t know how to repair this or if it can be repaired. I have apologized. I’m hurt too, but I know I won’t get an apology from either of them.

I had come to a point where I was willing to accept that fact. Now I just don’t know. My other close friends and my boyfriend have seen how upset I am by the situation. They are angry with them and think they are treating me horribly. It keeps me up at night sometimes. I am a kind person….I feel like I’m being made out to he the villain. I need advice from someone not involved. Should I just take the hint and walk away? How do I just stop caring, feeling guilty, and being hurt?

Rosa

ANSWER

Hi Rosa,

You are not a villain for upsetting the singles threesome you had with your gay friend and his sister. While the relationship you and with your friend wasn’t sexual, he obviously had very strong feelings for you and sounds extremely possessive, to a fault. Although your friend may have initially felt angry or threatened, he should have come around by now and felt happy that his good friend found a romantic partner.

It was unfortunate that you informed him about your new relationship via text but it sounds like you didn’t have any other option. In any case, you explained why that happened and apologized. Good friends usually are forgiving about minor transgressions.

There is really nothing more you can do to undo the hurt or anger your friend feels. Remember that he has been reluctant to develop a relationship with you and your partner although you have encouraged it. He also failed to show up for your birthday and compounded the insult by lying about it. You have given him opportunities to express his feelings to you but he hasn’t taken advantage of them.

I can understand your disappointment at your friend’s behavior but I think you need to step back at this point. Perhaps, with time, he will reach out to you. In the meantime, accept that what happened had more to do with him and his possessiveness than it had to with you. You need to nurture other friendships that are more reciprocal than this one.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Tags: boyfriend, dating, friend, friendship, friendship-killer, gay friend, jealousy, just friends, platonic friends, possessive, romantic partner

Category: Opposite sex friends