• Handling Breakups

Ditched by a best friend

Published: January 28, 2011 | Last Updated: April 2, 2016 By | 88 Replies Continue Reading
If you have been ditched by a best friend, it’s probably time to back off.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I’ve had a great best friend for about six years now. We were always depending on each other, hanging out together practically every week. She’s been in a new relationship for about a year now and doesn’t want to hang out with me. She says that she wants to be selfish and focus on herself, but I see her hanging out with his friends and other people.

That’s okay. She’s doing her own thing. But then when she texts or messages me, “I miss you, let’s do the gym,” it makes me not want to hang out with her. I wasn’t the one who decided to be selfish!

We leaned on each other and when she was in other relationships, she balanced hanging out with friends/family and with the men in her life. I don’t understand what happened?? Somehow this new guy provoked a change in our friendship. When I asked her why we don’t hang out or talk anymore, she actually said that I had no self-esteem or confidence. I didn’t understand because I just wanted to go out to dinner or the mall whatever—like take two hours of her life in a week. That was all.

That comment kinda made me not want to talk to her. But I remember her always saying that she did not like friends who were all about their guys and forget their friends.

Signed,
Allie

ANSWER

Hi Allie,

Although she’s been giving you mixed messages, your friend has dumped you. But she backs off and then she tries to reel you back in. No wonder you’re confused. It may be due to her new boyfriend, changed feelings she has about her friendship with you, or something else that she isn’t willing to discuss. Telling you that you have no self-esteem was harsh and probably only made you feel worse.

Her saying she wants to be selfish suggests she wants to call all the shots. Begging her for more time or consistency, when she doesn’t want to hang out with you as she once did, just makes to you come off as needy. It has to make you feel lousy, too. My advice: Back off and get involved with other people for the time being. It sounds like she’s just not that into you at the moment and you deserve a better friend.

Best, Irene


Prior posts about getting dumped on The Friendship Blog:

Have a question/dilemma about your friendships? Ask The Friendship Doctor.

 

 

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Category: Getting over getting dumped

Comments (88)

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  1. cc says:

    I had this friend, my bff and we have been this way for 7 yrs, but now there is this new girl and my bff is hanging out with her more than m. i cry myself to sleep and I don’t know what to do. please somebody help me

  2. anonymous says:

    I had a best friend who kicked me to the curb but we are still kinda friends. I haven’t talked to him in a while. It makes me really sad. I miss him so much, he was my best friend.

  3. cutie says:

    I have a friend we have ben best friends since thired grade when we got in middel school she hung out with other people knew that was ok but when I hang out with her one of them always comes says she needs to talk to her in private then she goes and hangs out with everyone but me I feel left out and keeps blowing me off every time I want to have a sleepover and as soon as she knows she makes other planes what should I do.

  4. Rohit says:

    I had a best frnd she ditched me for no reason……i dont know what to do….but nw i dnt blv in best friends they all are same….now a days the only thing people care about is themselves [Post edited my moderator for violation of forum guidelines]

  5. Kranti says:

    My bff dumped me few days ago.. we were best frnds for last 7 yrs… she loves a guy and he is our classmate bt i dnt like that guy his behaviour n all.. that guy is betraying i jst told her that guy is not gud for u she didn’t listen me she thinks m jealous of her… she stop me talking bcz of that guy even she left me talking without any explanations… shld i talk her back and ask for explanations… bcz 7 yrs frndship dnt want to let go bcz of that guy… wht shld i do?

  6. Anonymous says:

    I have a best friend who I’ve known for about 10 years. We even maintained our close friendship after I moved and have made trips to see one another. We have really been there for one another thru the ups and downs of life. When I started dating my now fiancé I tried to reach out to her and make sure she still felt I had time for her, but she always said she was busy with this or that and couldn’t talk. When I announced I was engaged she just said congrats nothing more and didn’t try to ask me anything about the wedding plans or show any interest in being a part of this happy time in my life. I continued to try to reach out to her so she would know I wanted to make time for our friendship, but she kept putting me off. Then she started just ignoring me all together. I finally decided I had tried enough and it was her turn to reach out and show some effort if our friendship is something she wants and values. It’s been a month and she has not spoken to me once. We use to be in touch almost daily. I could have really used my best friend to be there for me right now and to share in the joys. This was someone for sure who would have been one of my bridesmaids, but because of her decision to not be in my life or show any interest in my wedding she will not be. I’m not even sure if she plans to attend the wedding or not. If she does not make the effort to come to the wedding I think I sadly will just need to end the friendship.

    It seems unless I am single she doesn’t want to be my friend. I know it’s hard for her to have one of her remaining single friends get married. I guess she doesn’t value our friendship much at all if she can’t after months start to adjust to the new reality. I am marrying a really good guy and would have thought she would have been happy for me after some previous bad dating experiences.

    I feel horrible loosing my best friend and have tried everything I know to do to make her feel I still want her in my life and want to be a part of hers. If she wants to come around and make an effort to be friends I would welcome her with open arms, but I think if she can’t make an effort to come to my wedding and be happy for me (even fake it) then it’s fair of me to say to her we can’t be friends anymore since I can’t depend on her to be there for me when it matters. Very hurtful to find out your best friend can’t be happy for you.

  7. Michelle says:

    I was getting quite close with a good friend many years ago. We maintained a good relationship but we were not in each others business all the time. She now has a 6 month old baby and has 2 other children, 1 in my daughters class. She has not been in much contact with me since beginning of her pregnancy. When we run into each other on alternative days at school she tries to take over conversations or go over to my friend and make it look like she has know her for years when in fact she hasn’t.Im not the jealous type I just think its rude that she is trying to shut me out more.I am an honest caring and friendly person with everyone I befriend and I do not do this sort of thing to others.She must have deeper issues here and I think its because she is not genuine and seems to now reveal a darker side which I never knew of.I think she is jealous and trying to push me away.She seems to be doing this whenever I speak to other ppl friends or not friends.I try to stay away but it seems im always bumping into her more than ever.I wish she could get some help for depression because she complains a lot about baby blues and not sleeping well.But who doesn’t, as a parent we all struggle with ups and downs, and if you cant deal with it in mature way you obviously don’t get the support you need,you will struggle.I only wish she could be nicer and ditch the jealousy act!!!She is a loser at the moment/

  8. Tasha says:

    help me I have a friend who isn’t my friend anymore and she HATES me cuz of something and now my only friend wants to play with her before I went home she asked would u be mad at me for playing with BLAH im nike not really but I really am upset my other friend totally want her to tell me that I’m so sad now

  9. nikkie says:

    I had a friend and we became really close at work.. we were supposed to get a place together and be roomates until she had gotten a boyfriend then she got a place with him .. we still hung out and stuff until i got a boyfriend and she kind of started backing off like and acting envious of our rrelationship. .when him and i became engaged she completely blew me off at first i thought maybe she was busy with work and school and all but when i said something about it she says some people cant be there for them like you need them to be.. ..i went out of my way to give her rides do her hair let her come stay with me every time her and her bf got in a fight i was the first person she called at 3a.m. if something was wrong i was there even tho my bf hated it.. what would mKe her act this way?

  10. June says:

    Hi so I have a friend and at first we used to be so close. Then came the winter break and my other friend is now becoming friends with her and I never get to hang out with her. They went to bari and now they think they are bffs. So what I am trying to say is how do I get my friend to hang out with me because my other friend is taking advantage of her
    Thx June

    • Chloe says:

      Hi June,
      What I would do is make HER jealous, instead of you being jealous. Go hang out with other friends, or even try to get close to her new best friend. I know it seems a bit harsh, but make her feel how she is making you feel. Plan big things with new friends and talk a lot about it to other people. I know that this is happening to me, and my ex-BFF is hanging out with one of my other friends, a lot, but my old best friend seems to be a bit of a one-upper, if you know what I mean. If this is the case, think of something that is hard to one-up with your new friend. This will help you get your friend back because your friend will want to do that stuff with you too. That might make it sound like she is using you to fun things, but have a lot of fun with her, and ask to make several plans with her other times, this will make it hard for her to like her other friend more than you. Hope that helps,
      Chloe

      • Aliyah says:

        I tried making my best friend jealous and I don’t think its working very well cause we have drifted further apart than we already were.

  11. sowmiya says:

    Hi,plz tel me d solution..I’m having a friend for more than 5 yrs… still v continue our friendship.. i got married before 2yrs.. my marriage s love marriage… aft my marriage i got a msg from my friend tat i miss u…i like him very much.. I dunno to tel Wat type of feel i have on him…. aft his msg i thought tat he may loved me… Thn he always want me to be happy with my husband… in btw again i get close to him… now his marriage fixed… am very much upset abt it…he agree to get marry bcoz of me only… v both ll share everything with each other… now tel Wat can i do…

  12. frankie says:

    iam in 7th grade and my friend ditched me at the begining of the school year for som kids that really dont like me. in the middle of the year my bff comes to talk for the first time that year and says that she doesnt like any of my friends. i’ve been talking to my mom and she says that i should try talking to her about it and if that doesnt work i should find a new bff. what should i do?

    • Stephanie says:

      I am not sure what it is about parents ans wanting to keep their kids and their friends together.. However, I am not that much older than you and I had friends that did stuff like this.. They ditched me, found other friends that were jerks, etc. I have to tell you, they do the same things even when you get older. Your friend sounds like she is not a good friend. I know it’s hard but I think it’s time to find a BFF that actually likes your friends.

  13. Anonymous says:

    It just happened 2 days ago. I’m at grade 7 and my BF suddenly spends more time with my other friend than me (That other friend is also my pretty close friend). We were at a leadership camp and she spends like the whole day talking and joking with her while we both only chat for like 10 min a day! I already talked to her and she said I’m still her BF but I still felt I’m ignored. So, I spend the whole time sitting alone. I don’t hate my other friend-she was very kind to me-but I wish my BF could tell me why she talks with her more than me. Is this a case of ditching? If yes, how should I deal with it?

    Please somebody comment on this. I’ve been depressed for the whole day thinking about this or else I might get insane. 🙁

    • Erin says:

      This once happened to me. Write an anonymous note and stick it in her locker saying they’re lucky to have such a great friend and they should respect you more 🙂

    • Stephanie says:

      your friend holds a lot of power because she has other friends. If you have other friends she may realize she could lose you and might take the friendship more seriously.

  14. Anonymous says:

    My best friend texted me to hang out and then she says “actually maybe we can hang out next weekend.” and then goes over her other friends house. WTF REALLY!!! So I’ve decided to just say no every time she asks to hang out.

  15. Exocandies12 says:

    My best friends just start getting mad at me since last week for no reason im starting to think that i’ve been a horrible friend for them I love them so much but they just dumped me I try to ask one of my friend why are they mad at me but she didn’t reply I miss them soo much and I love them I try to expect that they’ll be having a surprise for me because my birth day will be next month but I hate to expect because if it won’t happen I’ll just be sad I really love them but why did they dumped me I feel sorry for everything I hate lossing my friends I really hate it.Every night I cry but I told my self it wont’t bring my bestfirends back.Why did they dumped me for no reason why are they getting mad at me for no reason WHY?! plss answer. :”((((((

  16. ana says:

    the past 2 to 3 weeks ive been hurt, my best friend gets mad at me for no reason and blames drama on me , i dont even cause drama, im not that kind of person, and it hurts so bad now coz she wont be my friend anymore, im trying to feel better about this but it hurts so bad, and i was all fine and okay until another friend of hers which used to also be my friend emailed me yesterday saying “leave me alone”. I havent done anything to be mean to them, i just really dont understand all this, and how i got put in it i really dont know,
    any reply might help me feel more better

  17. araceli says:

    My friend and I were friends until this new girl came and she replaced me with her and now she asked me if I still wanna be her friend but I’m not sure I should so should I?

  18. varun says:

    dear irne,
    i had a bestfriend we were the best of friends for a over 4 years. we could not live a day without talking or a day with our meeting.and after 10th grade we got into different schools so could not meet up regularly.she was being a lot different and i liked her a lot from a long time but just didnt have the guts to tell her. she was with some other guy back then..and when she with some guy she does not spend much of her time with us.. but the other time when she breaks up she’s all heart broken and all and gets really close to us as if we are the only ones there.. this happened more than once. after she broke up i thought it would be the right thing to tell her now.. but within a few weeks she got into a relation with another guy.. i had plans of telling her but she was someone again. i had no clue what to do.. this was the only chance and I’m sure she loves me too but i don’t know if she wanted it that way or not. but on her bday i held a surprise with her boyfriend ( yes i know i had to do) i indirectly asked her out..by giving her a bracelet and a note that said ‘can we be more than friends/…” she was really happy but didn’t say a word.. she didn’t give a reply to the msg i gave her.. i tried asking her indirectly if she had got the message she said yes she did. so i waited for a while.. but didn’t get any response i still haven’t got any response so i had taken that as a no. but now what i feel is why hasn’t she replied. if she would it would help me move on..and she’s supposed to be my bestie and i thought she would care for me. but i really don’t know. i was already upset of her ignoring all of us and just spending all her time with her boyfriend.she tired to apologise so many times but i just felt it was all fake. when asked why are you apologising she just avoids it by telling ‘never mind.. talk to you later bye’. i feel even worse now as she chose some guy whom she’s been dating recently over many 9 months now.. over me whose been her friend for over 5 years. and was always there for her no matter what. she being trying to make but i have been trying to not fall for it .. cause I’m scared i will be hurt again and i don’t know if its worth having the friendship back or not now. but as of now she docent seem or looks interested in talking much..

  19. Akira says:

    There’s this girl I used to be friends with and I’d known her since the 7th grade and we were bff’s. We did everything together. Sleepovers a lot, hanging out after school, going to each other’s houses, etc, etc. Then after High School graduation, we were still best friends and then I enrolled into college at a Technical School and she went to the Community College; so we were in different schools, not that far away from each other (about 20 min drive), and sometimes after my class, I’d go over to her school and wait for her and we’d walk around the school or go talk in the lunchroom with our other friends who we had met in the high school’s Anime club. After about almost 2 yrs, I got my degree in IT, my friend was still in college, just taking some courses & whatnot. Well, we talked less & less and I’d always msg her on Facebook if I saw her on, & either she wouldn’t answer, or she’d log off right away. Then I’d try to make plans w/ her and she’d be all for it, then on the day of, wouldn’t answer or would cancel it. Then her cell phone # would change and I’d keep asking for the new one. At first, I figured, hey something’s up with this. Would if she no longer wants to be friends anymore for some reason, but I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. So I just ignored my gut feeling and then one evening, I saw her on FB, & caught her attention & finally asked if we were still friends & she said no, and that she hasn’t been my friend & has been pretending for the past year & she was just hoping for me to give up on trying to contact her to hang out so that she wouldn’t have to tell me that the friendship is over. And her lame excuse was that I acted like an adult and I’m 22 yrs old.I have to be an adult sometimes. Lol. And that I work too many hours in the day & start work to early in the morning in the way that I can’t do sleepovers, which isn’t true. And she’d say that she wasn’t hanging out w/ anyone else, but that is bull. I saw pics that she’d recently add to her facebook photos. That was in June of 2013. I still hurt after that. Not as much as before when the news settled in, but now I just scoff at us ever being friends, for the way she treated me in the end. And the other friends that I had from Anime club, who were friends w/ her too, none of them would answer an IM msg from Facebook after awhile as well, so I deleted all of them.

  20. Sad says:

    my friend keeps stealing my best friend away and i dont wanna be mean to her or anything and idk what i should do! helpp!!:(

    • asdfghjkl says:

      I’m having the same problem. My friend is ditching us to be with more popular people. She only talks to us when she wants something or when she is bored. She doesn’t even realize she is doing it. I dont even think she remembers i exists.

  21. confused says:

    met this girl through high school, always kept in touch.

    She met this guy who clearly treated her worse than that of a dog. he even secretly messaged me behind her back! He asked me what I thought of him and this made me feel my conviction was even more so that he is just strongjg her along and making her go out to see him travelling the go train when she can’t even navigate the subway to see me.

    We made plans months in advance and the day of she couodnt answer her phone. I ended up finding her at the even with him and she told me thather phone wasn’t working . That was alie. I asked her bf why he couodnt contact me like Yhe did that other time. He played stupid and so did she.

    Now I see they are broken up but I’m not sure if I should even bother rtying to contact her . Get this, I post something on fb and see her mimicking Tuhe same. Should I bother to contact or delete her entirely?

  22. Ann says:

    Hey, i kinda needed help
    I had this huge group of best friends.they were my life.after a series of events, like I acted like a bitch to one of them just because they talked behind my back and then they totally ditched me when one of my exes accused me of lying about something (which I swear I didn’t).They believed him and ditched me.I have no friends now.Is it possible to make new friends now?

  23. Shelby says:

    Me and my ex best friend both are 9 and we are in fourth grade almost fifth we’ve been friends for four years and this year is the first time we got split up In classes she met up with an old friend and in gymnastics (I am not in gymnastics)
    She met a new friend this all started at the beginning of the school year before I thought she was trying for another friend not best friend and the old friend came to her house times again and again and they heard the song Oath and said to her “this was their song” I over heard them then the new friend heard the song and is dancing in it with her in a recital I’m in when I came to her house she seemed like she was ignoring me .

    • Shelby says:

      What should I do

      • Friendship Doc says:

        Hi Shelby,

        At your age, young girls change friends more often than you might think. Perhaps, your ex best friend feels like she has more in common with the other girl right now.

        My advice to you would be to try to stay friends with both girls and suggest some activities together that will be of interest to everyone. If you find yourself being ignored by your ex best friend, ask your friend what is going on and tell her that you value your friendship. Don’t be too clingy, if you can help it.

        Also, you shouldn’t limit your friendship to this one. Summer might bring some opportunities to meet new friends at camp, at school, or wherever you are.

        Hope this helps! Best, Irene

  24. Lola says:

    My best friend had her old friend come for a sleepover. She played with her and I was fine with it but then the next day I was playing with them and she said “BRB”… But they went in to her house and got in her pool without telling me. She never came back. Everything I did with her, she didn’t like but when her old friend did it she was fine with it. I feel like she has forgotten about me completely. What should I do?

  25. daisy says:

    We became good friends through work going out most weekends and hanging out enjoying ourselves, she was and is still going through a very tough marriage breakup.we where both there for eachother as i was going through a tough time also, we have simular interests and just got along so well. We had a falling out and she has just started to talk to me again after about 2 months. But it’s just not the same anymore, we don’t see each other out of work anymore, hang out or even talk on the phone or text like we used to. When I do text her about once a fortnight she sometimes replies with a very short & cold message.

    She asked me for a big favour a few days ago, which I did. I wanted to help her and I was hoping that it may just help bring us close again.
    But nothing has changed so far.

    I feel hurt as I feel like I may have been used by her.

    Please reply.

    • jacqueline says:

      Hi Daisy:

      Why don’t you call her and tell her how happy you were to help her, and that you had hoped this would make you both close again. Tell her you want to meet for a coffee so that you can talk. Tell her that you miss her and want her in your life again. She could be going through a depression, or could still be upset with you from that falling out.

      • daisy says:

        Hi Jacqueline, thank you for your advice. I will try, I feel a bit uneasy doing this, as I am worried that she may say no or just does not turn up.

        • jacqueline says:

          If you don’t take a chance, Daisy, you will never know. You will have closure once and for all. You will be able to put a period to this, and move on.

  26. Anonymous says:

    So, my situation is a strange. I met a woman who I befriended at a gym I go to. She was out of work at the time and I thought I might have had some leads for her, so that was how we met. At the time, I was seeing one of the instructors there. Eventually, she and I found out we both had dated the same instructor, however, it was a few months after both of us had stopped seeing him. He’s basically a player, and I had no desire to see him again.

    This past summer, he started wooing me again, I ignored it, but she appeared to be upset about it. I told her that I was interested in keeping her friendship and did not have an interest in him. Eventually he lost interest in me, and has given me the silent treatment for almost a year now.

    Looking back, I think her behavior towards me changed around the time he stopped talking to me. She got a coaching job at the school he works at and continues to wait for him to come out out of the shower after class, it’s actually a little strange to see this all happening, now 2 years after they “dated.” When I started taking a class on the day of our gym class, I told her I would miss it for the semester, but would call her and we could go out. She rarely responded to my calls, and when I did return to class one day, she said hello and then ignored me the rest of the time. I never heard from her after that. A mutual friend that I stay in contact with has told me she started sleeping with the instructor again for a few weeks, ending the same way it did the last time with him stopping it.

    Today, I went to the gym to see the clerk who I am friends with, thinking that the instructor was out of town and that my ex-friend wouldn’t be there because she only takes his classes. To my surprise, she was there, waiting for the instructor to come out of the shower. Rather than take the high road, I spoke to the clerk for a few minutes, ignoring her. At one point, she left the counter and went into the locker room, and then I left. I really don’t want her as a friend, as she has not demonstrated any sort of loyalty or care towards me, especially after I told her on 2 different occasions that I wanted to maintain a friendship with her. I do feel bad for ignoring though, and now wish that I had at least acknowledged her and then went about my business. I think that would have been the more civil way to approach this. Any other opinions?

  27. Anonymous says:

    All of this is sounding all too familiar. Friend D, whom I met in grade school and I were good friends. In the last year of high school she added B so I was agreeable and friendly, even though I really didn’t like B. In less than a year B got D angry at me. So both stopped talking to me. A year later my mom called me to say D called and wants to talk to you.
    So I called and friend D & B were friends again, although I was cautious, with good reason. About 6 months later B was engaged & getting married. She asked my to be a bridesmaid, I refused. I didn’t feel we were close, I didn’t like her, & I had just graduated college & was broke. That didn’t stop her from inviting me to her bridal shower & wedding. I went to the bridal shower with a gift, but not the wedding, & I didn’t send a gift. I knew I was being used & wouldn’t get caught up in the deceit. Within a year B & D barely saw or spoke to each other. Friend D now was friends with someone else, who convined her I was a lousy friend. Again another call of “I’m ending this friendship”.
    I never saw or spoke to her again. She couldn’t think for herself. Then I meet M. We had a very happy friendship for many years until the boyfriend who didn’t like me. They got married & that friendship floundered. She didn’t call me & I stopped calling her when she didn’t call me back. Then my father died & I hadn’t heard from her until a few months later just before Christmas to start seeing each other again. What timing. I was distraught over my dads’ death & she wasn’t there for me. M was friends with A whom I met & liked & F whom I didn’t like. We did a wonderful job with the bridal shower, etc. But M called on & off, when she felt like calling or seeing me, just before she had a baby & baby shower. Does this sound familiar, deja vu. A continues to send me a holiday card in Dec. M didn’t for many years & happened to send one last yr. I sent them both a card for the holidays. I don’t call or both with M anymore. I’ve made new friends, & after so many years they remain friends. I now know what a real friendship is about, acceptance. When I needed help they have been there for me. When I first met R and later S we had the usual daily contact that eventually became once a week talking to one another or seeing each at an event or program in an organization we belong to together. Do yourself a favor, EVERYONE, if you are rejected by a friend/s, find new friends. I didn’t & it never occurred to me that meeting people thru your local religious instituion & non profit charities is the way to meet people & make the best friends.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Totally get it, I have had a similar experience. It happened right after the birth of my first child. We had an issue months before where she felt as if I was grilling her about something she brought up. She stopped talking to me for months and then out of the blue came to me and said she was sorry for acting so poorly and hoped we could be friends. I forgave her but months later after I had my baby, she stopped talking to me. I texted her a few times and never heard from her. We have a lot of mutual friends and I saw her at a dinner and could sense that she seemed upset almost hostile towards me. I was tired and exhausted and couldn’t get why she was acting this way. I asked her what happened a few months later when I ran into her and she gave me some excuse over email about how I was distant after having the baby. She blamed never coming to visit me or even acknowledging the baby on me. We go to the same daycare and she would walk by while I had my son in my arms and never say anything other than hello. I asked her if we could talk about it in person and she never responded. When I run into her now, I say hello and she does as well but that’s about it. It’s barely civil. It hurts my feelings a lot still and it sucks to constantly run into her.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Ignore her. If she’s going to be mean to you and ditch you for her boyfriend, she can go ahead and do whatever. I know its hard, but its over. I lost a best friend who i thought was worth it, but i realized, shes a total waste of time. She made a fake account and cyber-bullied me. She wasn’t strong enough to start the fight by herself. Instead she hid behind a stupid account. If a best friend is going to ditch you that easily just for some stupid guy, then shes not worth wasting your precious time over. Don’t even try to get her back. You might think differently but really, once a person makes a mistake like that, there is no way you can forgive them. You shouldn’t feel sad or angry. People like her come and go. Don’t look at her, don’t talk about her, or talk to her. She’ll think you’re desperate or think you’re out to get her. It’ll only make her want to go up to her bf’s friends and tell them that you’re going to hurt her or whatever. Sorry if this wasn’t helpful. I just hate to see anyone feel like this. Don’t worry yourself about her, just act like you normally would, but still don’t look at her.

  30. Anonymous says:

    my best friend and i have been fighting over the past month and now it has stopped. i told her i was sorry and even though i felt like she owed me the apology i just wanted to be friends again and i left it. i said to her that i am really sorry and i hope we can be friends again. she said ok in a sarcastic voice and walked off. i am really hurt because i don’t want to loose my best friend that means so much to me and who i trusted and told almost everything. i have no idea what to do now…..

  31. Anonymous says:

    Well I had know this girl,who WAS my best friend we hung out and sometimes came to my house we where BFFL’s which stands for Best Friends For Life she was probobly my 3rd sister because we hung out ALOT and also she was born 2 days before me in the same year. And one months ago she started hanging out with another of my friends that I trusted.I don’t know what happened so I asked her and she said that it was because I changed but in
    mind I know what she ment because I had changed because she was no longer my friend so then I told her not EVER to be my friend she said no your like a sister to me so then she says to be friends and not to be the hangy kind which ment that I was her back up friend now she’s just hanging out with her BFFL which get in my nerves because she has done and gotten her things that she never gave me and also she rarely talks to me .

  32. Anonymous says:

    Maybe this girl found out about about some embarrassing thing about you or maybe someone spread rumors about you? but the real question is if you still want to be her friend if u do then go have a girl to girl chat and figure stuff out that should clear stuff up

  33. Anonymous says:

    It started just a normal day when my friend 1 started acting mean and crabby. So I told friend 2 that friend 1 was acting like ta and instead of helping me out she called me that i have anger problems and she said she did not want to be my friend. And she was my best friend I tolled her i could change but she insisted no. And i dont find fair is that friend 2 gave friend 1 plenty of chances when she screwed up and this is my first time messing up well not actually messing up more like all in her head. And then so i went to lunch and i talked to friend 3 and i told her she could not go to the part at the place because i forgot i invited someone else before her. And then friend 3 started getting all mad and started asking all these questions about who is she what is her name? so then she got all mad. And then out of the blue friend 2 decided to tell friend 3 about what i did but really did not do. And friend 3 was so mad about not going to the party that she decided with her to officially not be my friend anymore. So great my best friends flew away

    Please reply i need help
    please help

  34. sepulveda says:

    What Irene said to the poster in the letter above also applies to you. It’s difficult when you feel (or *are*) being rejected by a best friend for a guy you think is a lousy jerk, but that’s her choice. Either she’ll come around, or not.

    I suggest what Irene recommends: move on, find other people to hang with. You won’t have a deep friendship, or a convenient one, like you did with this girl, but it would be healthier for you to start focusing on friends other than her. Also, if you’re on the “verge of a nervous breakdown”, please go seek out the counseling office at your college to find out why you are letting this girl affect you this badly. College can be a tough place, especially if you’re an introvert, and it’s all to easy to become overly dependent on one or two people to make you feel secure. I’ll give you the same advice I gave Blossom, on another thread: become involved in clubs, activities, other people. Take you mind off her (although obsessive thoughts are difficult to eradicate, it can be done). Be civil, but distant. Think deeply about yourself and why you’re so jealous. And try to get involved in the social life at your school, if you can.

  35. Anonymous says:

    Me and my friend have been the best friends since 3 years now..we shared everything and we almost considered each others as sisters.but then she befriended a guy who was hated universally by the entire college because he was so damn fake..recently they got very close,although i am damn sure she is not into a relationship with him..i made her swear onto that..the problem is that the guy has some personal issues with his other friends and would always want my friend to be on his side..initially, i was a bit insecure as she spent lesser time with me,but gradually it became an obscene reality..they were seen 24*7 with each other,holding hands and always being together..she still says that i am her best friend but when it comes to asking her to go out with me sometimes,its always a NO but if that guy asks her,she nods instantly..i have been not in talking terms with her for over 3 months now and it is really getting onto me..Please help me..as she still tags me as her best friend but spends less than 1 hr with me per week whereas that guy gets to spend 10-15 hrs with her plus the long chats on phone and chatting which i am devoid of too…i am on the verge of a breakdown and its affecting me…Please help me.

    • Branden M says:

      You are not her best friend anymore. It might feel like you think a lot of yourself when you say it, but best friends are supposed to hang out and spend time together. They are definitely supposed to be like brothers/ sisters. You definitely do not ditch them for someone else whenever it’s convenient. You are not best friends anymore. And you need to tell her that. I have two friends that were SUPPOSED to be my best friends, but completely excluded me from their weekend. I need to clarify some things too. This is coming from a guy by the way…Do what you have to because you deserve better than that.

  36. Hurt says:

    That’s very good advice, MeToo. I was thinking that “falling out” had a somewhat negative connotation to it. Thanks for the alternative!

  37. MeToo says:

    Hi! I wanted to add my opinion also if you don’t mind. I’ve been going through a similar situation myself. Instead of saying “we had a falling out” which has some negative connotations to it, I’d suggest saying something along the lines of “we aren’t close anymore”. Hang in there. I know it is tough. I have a lot of mutual friends with my former friend, and we all do a lot of group things, some of which I plan. I don’t really like seeing her either, especially since she isn’t always nice to me when I do see her. I finally had to take a “break” from the outings and spend some time away from the group while I healed emotionally. I’m starting to go back to it gradually and try to be cordial but keep things very superficial with the old friend. Good luck to you.

  38. Hurt says:

    Thanks so much for your helpful insight. Both you and Liz, who also replied to me, have been hugely helpful! You gave me tangible suggestions. I went out with a friend earlier today (had shared with her what was going on). She gave helpful insight but primarily kept me busy, which I needed. I’ve grown closer to this friend now that she’s moved nearby. It’s nice to know that while some friends leave, others come in. This friend suggested that my ex-friend has issues and it’s not me that’s the cause of the breakup. The hard part for me is knowing that neither of us is a bad person. If one of us had lied or betrayed the other, it would be easier. Since we’re both good people, and since I have to see her everyday at work, it’s hard, not to mention the mutual friend thing. Anyway, I’m really glad that there are good people out there such as yourself, who write encouraging messages. Thanks again!

  39. Kathy says:

    Hurt, you just need more time to come to terms with the way you feel. It takes time to get over the hurt especially in a friendship that you valued. Take this time to take care of yourself and try to have some fun. That might be cutting back on some of the invites to others and having some alone time with your family or other people who make you feel good about yourself and who make you feel loved and appreciated. You will have to decide what is best for you and cutting her out completely might be the answer for you. It’s hard when you have the same circle of friends as they will know something is up. I wouldn’t say anything to any of them unless they ask and then I wouldn’t say much….maybe…. were just taking a break from each other right now. The only reason for not saying anything is so that whoever you are talking to doesn’t go running to your friend and then the story changes…Now if you trust the friends say whatever you want….Just make it short and to the point…..It helps to talk to a trusted friend or someone you can trust to get your feelings out….I know I had a real rough time when my friendship of many years ended, the rejection was the hardest part to get over…How could I be your friend one minute and the next you are tossing me out like I’m garbage….The answer for me was that the problem was more about her than me….there was something going on in her life and I was the one she took it out on. Sometimes giving the friend and yourself a break from each other makes things a lot clearer. I know for me I was so hurt and mad that I made things more than they needed to be….Just try real hard to let it all go for now and live in the moment and surround yourself with things that make you happy!!

  40. hurt says:

    Thanks for your reply. It makes me feel less alone, knowing that someone else has gone through this painful experience. I have a few questions for you. You recommend that I say nothing. I would prefer to say that we had a falling out but that I don’t want to talk about it. I think people might wonder why she’s not on my list of invitees anymore. That’s another thing. I feel so hurt right now that I do not want to invite her to anything. I feel so rejected and defeated. I will likely feel differently in the future but at the moment I feel so hurt that I cannot fathom even seeing her because all the painful memories will come back. I do believe that in time the awkwardness will lessen but for now it’s a great big awkwardness. 🙁 Thanks again for your reply. Any feedback on this entry is appreciated.

  41. Liz says:

    This has happened to me also, and in hindsight I’d have handled it very differently!! Maybe you can gain from it?!! I was dumped by a woman that I hung out with for years, both just her & I, and hung out with a larger group. We didn’t work together, but had a mutual friend that worked right next to me. I didn’t know at the time that this ex friend told the entire group, including the woman I worked with (who then shared the saga with our co-workers). I freaked out privately, and practically begged the mutual friend/co-worker to hear my side. It was embarassing and I looked like an idiot. If I had to do over I’d follow these 3 steps! 1. Say nothing!! Even if they (the mutual friends) ask – say nothing, Silence, count to 5 and say you need to get a glass of water!! Or something.
    2. Do nothing differently in regards to the mutual friends! Act as if nothing has happened. If you used to send out group invites, still do. Put your ex on the list or not – don’t specifically send anything to her (like, “I am being polite & including you….”). If she asks to be removed – then remove her and don’t reply.
    3. Bide your time!! This will blow over & she will either try to renew the friendship – or will be less of a hurt to you. Believe me – it is as though we were always just mere acquaintances. I have run into her a few times and it isn’t at all awkward since she doesn’t mean that much to me anymore.
    Liz

  42. hurt says:

    My dear friend started pulling away from me over the last number of months. I asked her about what she was doing and asked for an explanation. She said, to summarize, that the negatives outweighted the positives in our friendship. She said that she didn’t like that I was emotional (i.e. teary) in front of her and often about her. I still thought the positives in our friendship outweighed the negatives but obviously she thought differently. I was tremendously hurt because I was rejected by someone I thought was a trusted friend. I gave her some distance and about a couple of months later asked her if she still felt the same way. She did. Apparently, she only wants to be my friend in group situations. She’s not interested in chatting or hanging out just the two of us. I felt really rejected after hearing that. I felt like she was saying that I was only good enough to hang out with her when others were around. I’m not interested in a friendship like that. I want a real friendship. I’m not interested in superficiality or appearances. I should add that the situation of us not being friends anymore is going to be tough since we work at the same place and have many mutual friends/colleagues. Does anyone else have similar experiences? Does anyone have suggestions about how to deal with the situation at work? How do I deal with gatherings of mutual friends after hours? Right now I don’t want to see her at all but I don’t always know if she’s going to be there. I certainly won’t be inviting her to any gatherings that I organize. It’s too painful for me to be reminded of her rejection. I’ve told her that she means a lot to me and I care about her tremendously. I said that if she changes her mind and wants to be friends again I’d be open to that. What do I say to mutual friends? Do I say that we’ve had a falling out but that I don’t want to talk about it?

  43. Mara says:

    It sounds like your friend is happy in this relationship and deciding to pull back on other relationships in her life that she doesn’t need as much anymore. For whatever reason, it doesn’t sound like she really wants to hang out with you since she is still being social with other friends. I don’t think the gym thing is sending mixed signals…I think it is her setting boundaries. Like she wants to pull back on your friendship but not cut ties completely. The “gym” is her suggestion b/c it revolves around an activity, is productive and something she would be doing anything. She is fitting you into her life in a way that works for her, but she doesn’t want more than that or to share feelings, talk about your lives, just…work out. It’s really up to you to decide whether you can be content being her “gym friend” or whether you are too hurt by that or too bitter to keep up that sort of at a distance friendship. That’s what it sounds like to me…she’s not interested in being your bestie anymore, but every now and then it’s cool if you have out in a less intimate friendship. Take it or leave it, but finding the guy may have left her evaluating her friendships and that’s all that she is willing to give you.

  44. Julie says:

    Ashley, she probably can’t tell you because she can’t verbalize what’s wrong, and why she no longer wants to hang out with you.

    She may not understand herself why she cut you off. She could be manipulating you “accidentally on purpose”, talk to you, and then talking to you triggers whatever it was that set her off and dumped you.

    You said that it was probably an unhealthy friendship to begin with-and the intensity was getting to her, possibly. Moving on from her will be hard, but it can be done. Stop asking her what happened. Stop texting and emailing her. Give her space, and most of all, give yourself space to get over her.

  45. Ashley says:

    I’m not one to get super close to people fast. But I met someone about 2 months ago and started hanging out. We immediately clicked. There was such a chemistry that I can’t even describe. Despite me being a heterosexual female, I got butterflies whenever she came around. I think it was an innocent girl crush because she is such an awesome person. Well, awesome except for the fact that she fears commitment and getting close to people. I knew this, but didn’t care, and now I’m left in this ridiculous limbo. Last week, she started acting differently toward me. We were hanging out every single day before last week, then suddenly things changed. I made the mistake of asking her if we were “still best friends” (because she had agreed with me that we were best friends before) and she acted awkward about it, claiming she didn’t even remember saying this to me and that she only has “friends and close friends.” It really, really hurt, because I haven’t allowed myself to get close to another female for a LONG time. Because I know how hurtful and fickle they can be.

    I just don’t understand what all of a sudden changed. I’ve asked her to be honest with me, and let me know if I’ve annoyed her or done something wrong. But she won’t tell me. I realize my relationship with her wasn’t entirely healthy, because this is really tearing me apart. I don’t know how to truly move on from it without having a conversation with her–a conversation that I don’t feel like she’s ready to have. It’s gotten to the point where she won’t even answer some of my texts. She seems to contact me only when it’s convenient for her. It is so annoying!

    I just wish I knew how to move on from this. Grrr.

  46. Curious says:

    Hi Dr. Irene. I wondered about the wording in your response to Allie’s dilemma. You suggested she back off and get involved with other people “for the time being.” Does this mean you think that there may be a future time when this relationship has the potential to be repaired?

    Also, you advise that the friend is just not that into Allie “at the moment.” Does this mean that there is the potential for her to bounce back and be the close friend she once was? Sorry for my confusion. I’m still learning about relationships and how they work. I understand that they are all different, but I’d love to read your feedback.

    Thank you!

  47. Irene says:

    Hi Kris, Thanks so much for your always thoughtful comments and for reading my blog. Best, Irene

  48. Kris says:

    As a subscriber to Irene’s blog, I am always struck by how universal the experience is of being “dumped” by a formerly close female friend. The tonality of the grieving differs by the age and lifestage of the women involved, and the longevity of the former friendship (i.e., a young professional who lost a college friend, a young mother who lost a friend she had before marriage and children, or an older empty nester that lost a decades-old friend she thought would always be there).

    Thank you again, Irene, for creating this forum for all the women on the planet who have lost BFF’s. You have helped “normalize” this sad experience, helping us to realize there’s not something “wrong” with us.

    It’s just part of being human, and being female.

  49. Anonymous says:

    I was dumped by my BFF nearly a year ago now and it is still painful, but it gets a little less so each day. I still don’t completely understand why she dumped me. She got mad at me over something stupid, but I think deep down it was an excuse because she immediately moved on to a new BFF. Looking back I should have seen it coming. Every once in a while she still tries to contact me and act friendly, and then turns around and gives me the cold shoulder like she can’t decide if she should still be friendly with me or not. It got easier when I decided to stop playing into her moods and be civil when she decides to be nice, but otherwise I focus my attention on other friends. It doesn’t help that she is my neighbor and I still run into her periodically, but I’m hopeful that the day will come that none of this bothers me anymore. The thing I hate is that thanks to her I’ve started keeping more to myself and trusting people less.

    • Felisha c says:

      Hi, I hope with time passing by it got easier for you. I am in a very similar situation, however, she is now my roomate. We’ve been friends for over 3 years like soul sisters, then all of a sudden, the past 3 months she got distant and made a complete change. It was completely devasting to me, I feel I lost my best friend, my connection to her. Living with her is not easy actually it’s uncomfortable because we talk “business only things” rent , bills etc. I feel now she is just a roomate and not my bestfriend anymore , this is the hardest thing to except.

  50. Anonymous says:

    This happened to me about 18 months ago and it’s only now I’ve stopped thinking about it too much. I was ditched because my ex BFF found another family who were a better fit to her lifestyle, they had a son and daughter the same age, whereas I had two sons. As soon as their son and daughters started playing together we all became surplus to requirements. It still stings but I let them get on with it as my friend proved she was superficial. I no longer worry about it as if she can do that to me she can do it to anyone. But it does take time to get over the feeling of loss and rejection.

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