Ditched by a best friend
If you have been ditched by a best friend, it’s probably time to back off.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I’ve had a great best friend for about six years now. We were always depending on each other, hanging out together practically every week. She’s been in a new relationship for about a year now and doesn’t want to hang out with me. She says that she wants to be selfish and focus on herself, but I see her hanging out with his friends and other people.
That’s okay. She’s doing her own thing. But then when she texts or messages me, “I miss you, let’s do the gym,” it makes me not want to hang out with her. I wasn’t the one who decided to be selfish!
We leaned on each other and when she was in other relationships, she balanced hanging out with friends/family and with the men in her life. I don’t understand what happened?? Somehow this new guy provoked a change in our friendship. When I asked her why we don’t hang out or talk anymore, she actually said that I had no self-esteem or confidence. I didn’t understand because I just wanted to go out to dinner or the mall whatever—like take two hours of her life in a week. That was all.
That comment kinda made me not want to talk to her. But I remember her always saying that she did not like friends who were all about their guys and forget their friends.
Signed,
Allie
ANSWER
Hi Allie,
Although she’s been giving you mixed messages, your friend has dumped you. But she backs off and then she tries to reel you back in. No wonder you’re confused. It may be due to her new boyfriend, changed feelings she has about her friendship with you, or something else that she isn’t willing to discuss. Telling you that you have no self-esteem was harsh and probably only made you feel worse.
Her saying she wants to be selfish suggests she wants to call all the shots. Begging her for more time or consistency, when she doesn’t want to hang out with you as she once did, just makes to you come off as needy. It has to make you feel lousy, too. My advice: Back off and get involved with other people for the time being. It sounds like she’s just not that into you at the moment and you deserve a better friend.
Best, Irene
Prior posts about getting dumped on The Friendship Blog:
- Getting over getting dumped
- Devastated over being dumped: Control what you can
- Why did she dump me?
- Why did my best friend dump me?
Have a question/dilemma about your friendships? Ask The Friendship Doctor.
Category: Getting over getting dumped
Comments (88)
Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed
Sites That Link to this Post
- Mixed Messages | MarkieMontgomery | June 8, 2015
i have been having a really hard time at school, my 3 best friends recently became closer with three other girls. and recenltly told me they think im clingy nd annoying. they also said they wanted space and me out of the group what do i do this has caused me so much pain. ive tried to sit with other people but it dosent feel right.
Bipolar friend / Cheater friend???
Hello Irene,
A guy best friend from college days (17 years of friendship) , we use to hang out and have our own group of 3 people. He had an argument with other friend of our group and since then they are not talking. In short our group broke. Last year I introduced one of my gal bestie to him and since then they kicked off. We had our separate group and picnic and hang out sort of things. Their friendship also flourished over a period of 1 year. In the meantime I was left out in their little get together. Although my gal bestie always use to take me into consideration I noticed he was trying to take her away from me and all to himself. Such incidents came to light in another group when we went for picnic and he was trying to get her away from each member of group (even me) and was keeping her to himself. Although no love affair between them still he was acting possessive. Even the gal was getting irritated, but seeing his short temperedness we both never provoked him to do anything silly since we though he is good from heart. After that incident my contact with this person got minimized to nil, although with gal I use to have our regular girls meet . This picnic incident happened 4 months back. Now lately they had an argument and the boy told something very off to this girl. Since the girl already knew his behavior and nature she tried to tell him about his mistake which again lead to big argument. The girl told me everything and since I was also aware of this guy’s attitude and so called ego I asked her to keep distance from him since he is also alcoholic and very short tempered and also a very big liar. His types of lie is one of creating misunderstanding between 2 people. The next day after this argument I got a message “hi” from that guy and a call on my phone. I listened to him and he was talking as if we are continuing our friendship without any gap. I am really confused now. Does he really wants to continue this so call fake friendship or he is just checking out whether we girls have spoken to each other.
Please give your suggestion.
Me and my BEST FRIEND EVER have been friends for at least 8 years. Then at the beginning of the year she got a new best friend and ever since she has been posting all this good stuff about her and them being together with hearts everywhere on Snapchat and Instagram but them with me its just a picture of me looking stupid with nothing. They have been hanging out nonstop every weekend and when ever i want to hang out with her she says she cant because her friend is coming I over. I don’t know what to do I have been in my room depressed crying and had a dream she killed me. I cant stand it at all. I don’t want to leave our relationship like this so please help me get my friend back.
My bestfriend has been ditching me. She went to the career center (11th grade) & I stayed at our school. She went into a program with someone she didn’t like and now they are bestfriends. She used to call me to do everything, to get food, to drop off papers at her work, to pick up her brothers stuff, anything and everything but now she calls her. For a week or two she asked me to do stuff with them and I did for her but then she completely flipped the switch to just her. We would talk very distantly but then she would text me and tell me she loved and and would act like everything is fine? I’d ask her to hangout and she told me she had a party and then I get on snapchat to see them hanging out at Walmart? I’d ask her to get food and then I’d see them getting food at the next restraint over? I was getting fed up and the distance continued. She even left a hoodie of mine on my front porch with her new best friend. One day me and another one of our close friends went into her work and talked to some others of her co workers but neither of us talked to each other at all. Then directly after she texted me telling me she loves me? Acting like everything is fine and that there’s no distance and that she hasn’t been ditching me. I had enough and sent her a paragraph about how we needed to talk and she says that she doesn’t hang out with her a lot when she was legit just with her the day before. She continued to tell me that with basketball she doesn’t have a lot of time to hangout now. Which is fine, but she sees her everyday at school and somehow still finds time to hangout with her outside of school too. So now me and her and our other close friend are not on speaking terms with her. Someone also wrote a bunch of curse words on her precious bestfriends car which she blamed me for and is even more mad. Am I being crazy or should she understand where I’m coming from? Please help me to resolve this i don’t want to fight anymore I just want her to stop ditching me. She refuses to talk to me right now how do I fix this without continuing to get ditched?
I think that maybe it’s time to move on. Some distance may be what’s best right now because it seems like you care more then her. I’ve been in the same situation and maybe you just need to spend some time with your other friends and that’ll help remind you that she’s not your world. You can’t force people to care and when my best friend got a new one and stopped talking to me it hurt. But 4 months later I’m doing great. You need to open yourself up to new friendships I’m not saying close the door on your best friend just don’t let it define you. As much as it hurts sometimes people change and you need to be able to be happy without her. Sorry if this is harsh but I really do get where your coming from so many people told me to drop my ex best friend and I didn’t but she ended up dropping me and I couldn’t understand why. -and no matter how many long paragraphs I sent she didn’t care. Not saying this is the same but just remember that she doesn’t have to be your everything and some time apart isn’t always the worst thing
I had and best friend we were lyk sisters from 3 years and suddenly a another girl comes and starts talking to her and taking her away from me anf posting pictures and sauing better half and all and because of that friend my best friend has lied to me so so many times and all the times she broke my trust and whem i ask her whom would u choose between me or her she says she Is just a good friend and you are my best friend
And know we are not talking because of that girl
WHAT SHOULD I DO,?
my best friend is starting to ditch me for her new boyfriend who she got together with on friday possibly wednesday i dont know what to do any advice please help!She is also ditching me for some old primary school friends we have known each other since year 4 and now i am being ditched help!
Me and my best friend have been friends for 5 years. It’s been an on and off relationship for a long time and she often replaced me with other people through the years but we always got past it. Last year she found a new group of friends and stopped talking to me for about a month and even though she said it wasn’t the reason she only talked to me again when they left her. It’s the end of school now and we’ve always said we would stay in contact but now two months after the end of school and we don’t talk anymore. We only talk if I text first and even then she barely replies. I’ve tried to be honest about how she feels but she forgets and it’s the same cycle. I wait for her to text but she never does and I can tell she doesn’t want to be friends anymore but I don’t know how to accept it and move on. I want to be happy for her but it just hurts to feel so replaceable and I know I deserve better but I just don’t know how to move on. Any advice?
I had been with my best friend for 3 years. Our whole school knew we were best friends. I trusted her, she trusted me. But now, everything is different. She left me and found a new best friend. She broke our 3 years friendship in 3 seconds.
My dad always used to say:
“Don’t make best friends, because when they leave you, it hurts”.
I didn’t take him seriously though because I always used to think our friendship is forever, and we are always going to stay together. But when she left me, it hurt, it hurt a lot.
I didn’t even make ane have any other friends because I thought i didn’t need any, because like we are never going to separate and will always be best friends, just as we promised. But now she has a new best friend.
What makes me wanna cry is that her new best friend doesn’t like me, and it is obvious that my best friend is starting to hate me too. We aren’t even friends anymore. I take her as my friend, but all I see in her eyes for me is hatred.
She shares all of her secrets with her other friends in front of me. She tells me to move away for 5 minutes because she has to talk to her friends.
But the fact she doesn’t understand is the people she takes as her “friends” are my “best friends” and she is starting to take them away from me too.
I seriously don’t know what to do…I am very sad about this…if she would come back to me, I would accept her back with all my heart without even thinking. I don’t know what I have done wrong…
I want to tell her all this but I don’t want her to make me her best friend just because she feels bad for me, but I want to make her my best friend again because she wants to be with me.
EDITED BY MODERATOR. FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION, PLEASE DO NOT USE ANY LAST NAMES OR IDENTIFYING INFORMATION ON THIS BLOG. THANK YOU.
I think you need to remember that it’s not your fault. From being in the same situation I know it can hurt. First you need to try to talk to her about how you feel and go from there. If she doesn’t respond or doesn’t care then you need to take a step back even though it will be hard because someone who doesn’t care enough to listen to what you have to say isn’t worth it. Don’t be afraid to make new friends or try to connect with your less close friends because if things do end between you two you will need a good support system. Also time apart isn’t always a bad thing. In a friendship where two people are very close its natural for one side to explore other friendships and maybe you giving space is what she needs to realise how import you are. But don’t make it the centre of your life no matter how much it hurts because you need to remember that you deserve to be treated as a second choice.
I had a bff we were friends for 1 year, she said she was smart at her old school and popular, then I came to school and all of a sudden I wasn’t cool anymore and her new bff was the coolest in the school soo I lent on my old bff and on messenger the ditcher sent nasty stuff about me and really band ads don’t fix bullet holes and she only said sorry to make an appreciation that she’s a caring friend when she isn’t ?
And later I found out she was the dumbest and uncoolest in the school she is tells soo much lairs
Hi I am Mali I am being ditched by my best friend when her other best friend is not here she comes and chills with me but since her other best friend is here she doesn’t come she acts all weird so I think I should ignore her but please if you have advice please help me
To anyone who can help
Sometimes people do this sort of thing without meaning to. It may not be that she looks at you as a back up friend but more as someone she can rely on and someone she is close to but doesn’t know how to maintain the two friendships when your both around. But it could also be something else and you won’t know unless you ask. Talk to her about it and there may be a simple reason but I think ignoring her isn’t a full solution. I hope this helps
Hi,
My bestfriend and I know each other for 2 years now and we were very close in year7. When year 8 came she was good too but then this other girl and my bestfriends have lots of secrets and are almost like bestfriends. And when its me and my best friend having a secret my bestfriend tells her and it annoys me . We were playing would you rather and we asked would you rather kill the girl or me she said me. And when it was without her she said the other girl?! I’m confused by this and need help advice?
Let’s talk about it!
Need advice,
Me and my bestfriend have been friends for about a year and a half now and we’ve been like sisters to eachother.But we were so different people.It all started after school.Me and her agreed to go to a grocery store and buy ice coffee at a store right by the school.But she suggested that i stay after chool with her because she had tutoring after school and we didnt have any homework and my other friend was there too.So the teacher was okay with it and i went down to the office to call my mom and let her know i was staying after school with her because my dad told me stay after school and go with my bff to her house and whatever.he told me to stay out till seven o clock.anyway then later i told my other friend to tell the teacher that i was gonna go downstaires again to call my mom just in case she asks where i went.Because before i saw kids gong in and out of the classroom like going to the bahroom and etc.later when i came back up i saw my friend walking outside of the classroom so i asked her what are you doing and she told me that the teacher was mad at me and she was yelling ,”why is she even here she is not even suppos to be here!’ so i went with my friend back into the classroom and the teacher barely said anything to me.But i dont know why every time she was taking a break from helping the other kids with homework she kept yelling n and out of the classroom saying,”you guys are gonna talk to miss ( ) tomorrow.Im gonna call your parents.Im gonna telll your teachers!” and i was sitting there reading a book being quiet with my two friends and we were all like WTF is her problem.Because tutoring ended at 4 50 but the teacher kicked me out ten minutes earlier and my bff went to the other side of the classroom and read her book.The last thing i heard my bff say was”Its not my fault i didnt do anything” pft selfish its just how she normally is.Then when i got kicked out ten minutes earlier my friend came over and said but ( ) you go home alone and its raining.Yes it was dark outside and i take the bus then metro home alone.Usually my ex bff and her dad walked me to my bus stop.Then the next day i went to school my friend told me my ex bff said”im not her friend anymore she is so stupied i wish i was never her friend”some crap like that and she wouldnt talk to me at all.I was so pissed with her (ex bff) and another thing she said was ”im not lying for her anymore” and was confused about that until later after lunch my french teacher that hates me came to talk with me and ex bff.She started talking to her in french because i didnt understand french and the teacher turned to me and blamed me for lying and crap like the my favorite teacher(english teacher)comes out of the classroom and say”oh you’re still sticking with that story.( ) we know you’re lying just tell the truth.”then later before she walke away she threatend me by calling the cops on me if i didnt go to school on monday because i ”had to make up the time i caused the tutor teacher last night”.Then my french teacher told me ”You dont have a chance with me now!you never do your work in class you never do your homework” and just brought all the crap for nothing wtf!!!!When i told my parents their hearts broke and they were so furious with them.But i hope one day i will see the eyes of my ex bff i never got to confront.Now my parents want to sue those teachers that bullied a student.I dont go to that crazy ass chool anymore thank god if did that french teacher would have failed me because she just hates me.
advice !!!! please!!!
Well about 3 years ago I had a fight with my (ex) best friend, we never made up and never spoke again. We went to different secondary schools so we didn’t really talk anymore. My new best friend also had a fight with her and she always told me how she thought my ex best friend was fat and how she hated her etc. Well I come home today to find out my best friend went shopping with my ex best friend. Which made me so mad. Not only because she’s hanging out with someone who I dislike, but she’d rather hang out with her than me. I just feel so depressed and I feel like I’m losing all my friends. In school I’m in a class with not many of my friends, and my “best friend” is, so now she gets along with them well. So it’s like she’s ditching me.
I just can’t stand it anymore, what should I do?
I feel like my relationship with my best friend is strong. But she really likes a boy now, and she’s always talking to him over skype. Right when she wakes up, and for the rest of the day. I just don’t feel special anymore. She says she wants to keep the relationship going, but I feel like I’m getting farther and farther away. The guy has started being rude to me, and she always comes to his defense. She’s so quick to turn on me. I don’t want to continue on like this, but she’s my best friend. I can’t just end it, what do I do?
I have been best friends with a girl for three years now and we have always told each other everything.I felt like I was on cloud nine when I met her because we had so much in common and I had never met someone who was so friendly and thoughtful.But over the last few months she has lied to me and put boys before me.I was not put in the same school class as her this year and instead she was put with one of our other really close friends.Since we found out she hasn’t once had sympathy for me that I am in a class with none of my friends.She keeps on posting quotes and pictures of her and her knew supposedly best friend and it seems as though she doesn’t care about me anymore.But I can’t let go of the girl I first met and i care for her so much that I can’t even imagine becoming best friends with anyone else.It hurts to much to think of loosing her.I just don’t know what to do.
Dear Who ever will help me,
This new girl came to my school! We started hanging out found out we lived by each other! Now we talked a lot! But when I went over one time she stopped liking me! I think it’s because she is black and I’m white and her mom is one of those but I really like her. And then one day I called her and she said she was on her way. A half hour later no one came so I called her and her aunt said she went to the movies. What should I do? And the sad part is I don’t mamr friends as easy as everyone else. So it’s hard for me. From: Lonely Girl
I think that’s cool girls get all wierd whenever they see a boy or something I don’t know at least she’s still hanging around with u. If u dont like it I suggest u tell her that she’s been acting like that who knows she might change.
I hope this helps but I know it probably didnt so sorry anyway for making u read this , this is just my opinion.
I have a best friend that we have been friends since I can remember and we got to totally different schools but I go over her place on the weekends and recently she has been really crushing on this guy who goes to a school near her. And all she talks about is him or something and she has turned into a bitch. And I miss the fact that we were best friends and she we have almost completely different personalitys but I still sort of enjoy hanging out with her. I’m about a year older than her so I’m a tad more advanced than her so we have some problems. Any advice?
I think its normal to feel that way! As we grow up we learn to make new friends and get along with our lives. Try talking to her about it or just forget it.Try hanging out with your new friends and have fun with them