Disappointed by friend at work
Sharing intimate information with a friend at work can be tricky
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I recently made a good friend at work, someone whom I considered to be a close friend. As we were both new to the job, we supported each other. Coincidentally, we both had our problems with depression.
I recently started counseling, and feel much better and more hopeful about the future. The other day we had a few drinks and spoke about our moods. She quickly became very mean and said many hurtful things about me. She said I will never change and that life is crap and there is no hope. She told me I had nothing to live for and that I should just get over it or kill myself.
I was very upset at what she said and cried afterwards. The next day she pretended nothing had happened and was all cheery. I didn’t feel like that at all and remain upset and hurt. I feel betrayed that she threw things back in my face because she surely she should have some understanding that sometimes you just can’t get over things.
I don’t want this to affect me negatively but already I have taken this to heart. Please advise me on what to do next? Should I confront her or just leave it. Because we work together I can’t cut all contact although I feel like that at the moment. What should I do?
Signed, Teresa
ANSWER
Hi Teresa,
I can certainly understand your shock and disappointment about your friend at work saying such hurtful things. It sounds like she may still be depressed and, while under the influence of alcohol, was projecting some of her own feelings of hopelessness onto you. It is possible that she doesn’t even remember what went on, or what she said when you were drinking together.
I would suggest that you speak your friend and explain that it’s probably not a good idea to have downer conversations with each other as the one you had that evening. You don’t need to go into detail about what was said unless she asks. Just explain that you are still vulnerable to depression and some of her comments really hit you hard. Try to quell your anger; her comments probably had more to do with her feelings about her own life than they did with yours.
I would suggest you avoid getting together over drinks in the future—and, perhaps, focus instead on a more benign lunch or movie date. It may be tempting to share your bouts with depression to someone who is in the same boat. But since she is a work colleague who has disappointed you, it is probably prudent to take a step back, and try to keep your relationship lighter (without talking about your moods and feelings) until you feel you can trust her again.
It’s great that your depression is beginning to lift. Right now your first responsibility needs to be to yourself and your work. You may also want to speak to your counselor about this incident and my suggestion.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: Depressed friends, RESOLVING PROBLEMS
Alcohol and medication do not mix! While you are getting the help you need and are making progress, your friend is not. It sounds like she is afraid to lose you, so she is trying to keep you depressed – something you both have in common.
I would avoid her and certainly not discuss anything private with her or anyone else at work.
Thanks for adding that important reminder, Jacqueline!
You’re welcome! 🙂
OH, that’s a bit harsh but I do understand where you are coming from, I never had problems with depression before but I know a lot of people with it and it’s not something any one would wish for, so for someone to be throwing it into your face by a coworker, it’s like a hit below the belt. My advise to you is do not share any intimate part of your life with her and keep her at arms length at all time, do not be friends with her apart from having a work relationship, because you have to communicate on your job.
If she’s offering to go out for the evening or any social gathering, do not take up on the offer, you need to send a clear message that you no longer wish to go out with her. She is trying to get you into her pit of despair because you are rising out of yours, Don’t allow negative and outside entity affects you on the inside, you can fight this battle and win it if you change your whole concept of thinking and sad to say but it will never happen if you keep this person in your life. Even if she apologize and even shed tears, don’t be fool by that, just keep her away as much as possible.
There’s a lot of people in society that are so troubled, their life is just like a troubled sea that toss to and fro and it will take anything in it’s path, so stand clear and dont allow yourself to be dragged under by this manipulative person.