Devastated over being dumped? Control what you can

Published: March 17, 2010 | Last Updated: March 17, 2010 By | 8 Replies Continue Reading


Dear Irene,

A college friend named Leah recently dumped me. I graduated but she’s still in her final year. We live three-hours apart but we’ve met up about a dozen times since graduation in May. The last few times, she was very distant and seemed to actively avoid talking or being with me (we were always in the company of other people).


In October, after one such occasion, I texted saying I felt hurt and couldn’t understand why she was cold and distant. She replied saying I was selfish, and didn’t understand how tired she was after work and so forth. I felt guilty for saying anything at all and didn’t initiate any contact for about three weeks. I sent her texts and called numerous times in November but she never responded. Just before Christmas, she answered one of my calls and apologized for having not been in touch sooner. She said that she would like to stay friends but we had to realize how different we both had become.


We celebrated New Year’s Eve with a mutual friend and others and she went out of her way to ignore me and seemed hostile, making occasional snide remarks. When I pressed our mutual friend about it, she revealed that Leah had told her that "our friendship was over." This upset me and I confronted Leah about it. She shrugged it off and suggested we forget about it and not spoil the night. For a while after that, she replied to my text messages.


Then she stopped responding to my efforts to get in touch. I had always initiated contact over the past six months. Then I found out from a mutual friend that Leah had a party and didn’t invite me. This was really upsetting so I called her. She didn’t answer, but she responded to a message I sent her and confirmed what I didn’t want to believe: That she no longer wanted to be friends because all we do is bicker. This has some truth to it because we don’t always agree on everything but I have a feeling there’s more to it than this.


I now have to hear about what’s going on in her life (or snippets of it) from our mutual friend (we were BFFs and roomies in college) and it hurts me to think Leah could just dump me like this. I know friendships go awry when people move but it’s only been a few months. I don’t know how to deal with this and I’m wondering if I should write her a letter and see if she might be open to resolving or discussing our issues? I have little or no hope that we can go back to the way we were as friends but I want some sort of closure. Then we can go our separate ways permanently. I feel like I should try and contact her one last time to try to have a heart to heart. What should I do? I feel so hopeless.




Dear Karen,

It sounds like your friend decided to cut off her relationship with you some time ago and you haven’t yet accepted it. She’s been cold and distant, and hasn’t initiated any contact with you for months. Responses to your repeated calls and emails have been sporadic, at best. She’s told you that she doesn’t feel the same way about you as she did when you were in school together and told your common friend that your relationship with her is over. Is there anything else you really need to hear from her?


At this point, you need to take her at her word and put this friendship behind you. Regardless of the specifics of what caused her to change her mind—your graduation, the distance of three hours, or life style differences—your relationship isn’t what it was.


Leah hasn’t been forthcoming and direct so you can’t expect to get closure from her. You need to put this friendship to bed on your own and just move on. You also need to tell your mutual friend that you aren’t interested in hearing about Leah any more because the two of you have grown apart. Since you have mutual friends, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into Leah in a social setting. Figure out what you would say, in advance, so you aren’t caught off guard. You might simply say something like—"Hello, it’s good to see you. Hope things are going well for you"—-being gracious, without going further.


It always hurts to be dumped without having any say in the matter but it will be less painful and you will heal more quickly over time if you take control of what you can, by making the decision to let go.


I hope this is helpful.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Uncategorized

Comments (8)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Anonymous says:

    Right now I’m going through exactly the same thing. Unanswered text messages and phone calls. No intent whatsoever to contact me for months. I’m glad I found this blog. I’m still super sad. My friend of 20 years ditched me saying how selfish I was. For the past couple of years she had made hurtful remarks that I tried to overlook thinking it was nothing. When we finally had “the talk” she said I didn’t understand her anymore because she’s in a difficult financial situation and I’m not. When I revealed my feelings about how unhappy I was after one day she yelled at me, she shrugged it off saying she didn’t remember. I wish I was able to forget that passage as well. My other friends and my mom and dad have been very helpful but I can’t help feeling sad every day. They tell me to let it go but I haven’t been able to do that. I still roam in her Facebook profile and all she posts is foursquare check ins (even though she told me “she didn’t feel like going out) and how happy, and positive she is now. I just wanted to say I understand perfectly how you feel. Reading about other women’s experiences has helped a lot. Hope you feel better! 🙂

    • Regina says:

      I’m sad to read these stories. I’m going thru this situation too. A retirement friend decided to s**t on me after my time investment. I felt iffy when we started the friendship but gave it a go forgiving a lot of nonsense…kind of like sisters do. But never knew how much she will hurt me with the cold shoulder. Just did it for the second time. So, im cutting off all communication and texted her is over. People hurting others is not acceptable. Dust yourself off and move forward. There are a lot of good people in the world!

  2. Anonymous says:

    It really is cold and callous. I don’t know how they can never regret it.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I feel your pain. I have been thru this experience before. My BFF dumped me more than a year ago and I still think about her every now and then. The first few months were really hard for me but as time passes the would heals.

    I still run into my ex-bff everynow and then and the situation have always been very uncomfortable. I would run into at the restaurant and wouldn’t even acknowledge her present…nothing even a smile or hello. The truth is, it is really hard to be cordial with an former friend.

  4. bianca says:

    When you end a friendship or a relationship, it is very hard to move on. You must be strong and you must have somebody to talk with about it. And the trust..we can not trust 100% in our friends, partners of life because the road of life is full of surprises. And if your husband or your wife can make a mistake after 20 or 30 years of marriage, whom do we trust? It makes me to be afraid, but this is the cruel reality.

  5. Karen says:

    I know how you feel. Moving on is the hard part. You’ve spent years investing time and effort in building mutual trust and understanding with a friend, you’ve grown to love them and adjusting to life without them is really painful. How do you manage with seeing your ex-bff daily and in what context do you see her? That can’t help matters I’m sure but I guess if it isn’t possible to avoid her then all you can do is be civil, maintain your dignity and try and ignore them. I find not seeing my ex-bff really difficult and I miss her. She was one of the few people that really understood me and I thought I knew her equally well but she’s growing into a different person with different friends and a different outlook than myself perhaps. I never could’ve imagined before that losing a close friend in this manner could be so painful but time heals and someone who wants to be your bff and vice verce will come into your life and you can let go of the old friend. Sending drunken texts to the ex bff lamenting the past probably isn’t always a good idea though- I did this the other night in lieu(accidentally) of a closure letter. I actually feel a sense of relief now though having sent them. I’ve said what I needed to say to her(in a non hostile, non accusatory way) and I don’t feel the urge to contact her now as I did before.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I too have a similar experience but how do you cope if you have to see your ex BFF every day, it makes it so difiicult to move on when you still want to be friends but they don’t.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for this reply Irene. I know the friendship with her is over and has been for some time and I’m not going to try to make any contact with her again because clearly she isn’t interested in having a discussion on the matter. I’m trying to let go by focusing on other aspects of my life/people, but I still think about her often and it hurts. I guess that will fade over time. For now, I just have to keep reminding myself that some friendships are seasonal and not meant for the long haul.

Leave a Reply