• Making Friends

Too desperate for friendship

Published: November 19, 2014 | By | 15 Replies Continue Reading
If you feel desperate, you may make bad choices when it comes to friendship.



I have been friends with someone for over ten years since we were in school together. I have been there for her through all her troubles for the past eight years. She has had bipolar disorder and tried to commit suicide on several occasions.

When she was hospitalized, I took her mum back and forth to the hospital (a 60-mile round trip) for years. I got no thanks for this. I felt like I was just her personal taxi driver.

When I got married two years ago, I thought I would finally get the support from her that I had given her. I didn’t. She didn’t even come to the wedding, telling me she was too ill to leave her house. I later found out she went out that night visiting someone else. She has never visited me even though I ask her to visit all the time.

I was furious but I couldn’t tell her how I felt as she would go down to the river and try to drown herself. I am now pregnant and once again she has been nowhere to be seen. Is this just a one sided friendship?

She is the only friend I have as I find it hard to make friends. For some reason people take an instant dislike to me. My own sister tells me I’m a loser.

I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to her a couple of months ago about how I felt and she called me selfish. She has problems and hasn’t spoken to me since. I need some serious help. Thanks in advance.

Signed, Linda


Hi Linda,

When your friend was ill and depressed, she was probably unable to summon up the energy to acknowledge your kindness (to her and her mum) or even to understand how you extended yourself to them.

While you might give your friend a pass for her behavior while she was sick, not showing up at the wedding, refusing to visit you, and not showing any enthusiasm for your pregnancy suggests that your friend may be so self-involved that the relationship is, indeed, one-sided.

If you never said anything about the way you felt slighted along the way, I can see how your resentment and anger would build up over time.

For whatever reasons, it sounds like you are so insecure about your ability to make friends that you are willing to accept this one-sided friendship, seeing it as better than nothing. In truth, this type of friendship is so frustrating that it rarely works for the long-term.

I’m not sure why you feel like such a “loser” when it comes to friendship. Unfortunately, your sister doesn’t sound very supportive either. Can you use the opportunity of your pregnancy to make some new friends among other new moms? Perhaps, if you had several other friends, you wouldn’t be as dependent on this one and this friend would treat you with more respect.

Wishing you good luck with your pregnancy and the new baby.

Best, Irene

Tags: , , , ,


Comments (15)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Lalita says:

    I want to make people realize one thing: that mentally ill people can still be jerks in disguise.

    I have relationships with mentally ill people – bipolar, schizophrenic – and they themselves are wonderful, kind people, who just happen to be afflicted with these difficult conditions. Wisdom lies in telling the difference between a jerk who has a mental illness and just a nice person who has a mental illness. The clue is when they are stabilized, how do they act with you and other people? That will tell you if they are nice people. Now, granted, some people also have personality disorder on top of the mental illness; the stabilized period will also clue you in as to (1) are they aware of their personality disorder and really try to cope with it? (2) or are they playing the mentally ill get out of jail card by treating you like a emotionally waiter? (e.g. Just be with me during my crisis and then go away when I don’t need you anymore..)

    Accept that you are not Jesus Christ and you are not here to heal anyone. You can empathize, you can be humane and kind but you cannot fix anyone.

  2. tara says:

    I found this website after a Google search, and OMG! I CANT BELIEVE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO FEEL AS I DO! I cant seem to keep any female friendships going. As long as I make the effort to call make plans etc, then all is well. I tried an experiment, I didn’t call or text these few “friends” to see if they would text me. After weeks I still Hadn’t heard from them. I was always there for breakups makeups weddings baby showers birthdays, but there was never reciprocation. I now find myself alone at 46 with literally no one to talk to. I went to counseling for years at different points in my life and they all said the same thing. Value yourself. Are they bringing anything good to your life? Is it one sided? If so then u need to let go. I am still hopeful though that someday I can find someone who can be the kind of friend to me that I was to everyone else.

    • Marie says:

      Hey Tara!

      Wow, can I relate! I’m 42, I feel like you just summed up my life for the past 8 years. It’s exactly the same right down to the baby shower I was just manipulated into throwing for my old “best friend” who basically never talks to me or thinks of me anymore. She’s a good person and I wish her the best, but to be honest we just aren’t close at all anymore. We talked more when she lived thousands of miles away, now she’s just two hours away. The people who actually talked me into doing this are nice and fun, but I don’t expect to hear from them anytime soon or maybe ever, unless I make contact (or they need a favor). It hurts my self esteem, but I have nowhere else to go for socializing. It’s hard for me to make friends. It was hard at 30, it feels impossible post 40. I don’t know what to do.

  3. sunny says:

    Hi linda can i be your friend ? My situation is same like you. We could be nice friends.

  4. Maddie says:

    Enjoy your baby and let this toxic friendship go. Resist the urge of trying always to be the “good guy” by over extending yourself, such as the back and forth driving. Try to be light and make some casual friendships with other new mom’s in play groups or classes. You may click with someone. Don’t rush it or push it. Don’t get intense quickly in any relationship. Best wishes.

  5. Laura says:

    You sound like a great person who is spending way too much time questioning herself! Don’t donut anymore!
    I had a “friend” exactly like that:not suicidal, but very self-absorbed and into herself. I remember when I had my daughter I bumped into her at the mall and she didn’t even look at my new baby!
    Last year I had a negative experience at work and I called her to talk about it, and she never called me back after that to check up on me/ask me about it, etc-that was last year.
    Why? Because I finally let her go! I finally came to the realization that I was do desperate to have a friend I was willing to undermine and shortchange myself! And, I have to tell you-it’s been very liberating!!!! She finally texted me in the summer saying we should get together. I didn’t respond, and it felt great! Now, I focus my time and energy on mutually satisfying and reciprocal relationships. With 3 kids, a hubby who travels and teaching kindergarten full-time, my time is too valuable for anything less than caring, quality, sincere people. We deserve it!!! Good luck with your baby and God Bless!!!!

  6. Leeanne says:

    Linda, you are definitely not a loser. You’re generous, loyal and want friends. Those are great qualities.
    The good thing about having children is you get to become friends with others who are in the same situation as you…parents. You can start taking your child to Mother/child play groups, swimming classes, workouts for Moms and toddlers and you can start when your child is only a few weeks old.
    When I had my first child, my husband and I had just moved to a new city. I went to all of the groups mentioned above and made friends whom I’m still close to to this day. Our children are all the same age and having them grow up together has been such a blessing.
    I’m trying to be as kind as I can when I say this but when you experience the joy your child brings you, you might reconsider wanting such an unreliable, suicidal person around your family.
    Good luck with your delivery.

  7. lottie says:

    Hi Linda,
    I am sorry to hear how you feel, lets make it temporary from today.
    First of all you are expecting a baby which I hope will bring you much pleasure and happiness.I wish you well.
    Now who says other people are more successful than you??? Or is it a figment of your imagination???Where is the proof. What have others done that you haven’t to make them better? I dont believe that there is a single person on planet Earth who can be better than you at everything. There must be something that you have overlooked that you are good at. eg(I am good at getting orchids to re flower) It is not much but there you go for starters.
    Thinking about the river has this “friend” ever jumped in? I doubt,and I bet she can swim!!!
    As for you supposedly being selfish what is wrong in that? Nothing, if you are not causing anyone harm. Too many people accuse others of being selfish when THEY do not get their own way. It is a way of manipulating others for gain. That is how see it. If medals were to be awarded for putting everybody first and of greater importance than me then I would have many.I have moved on from being used,or like to think I have. As for your sister…..you don’t need a college education to know what I would like to say to her on your behalf.
    I hope this message is of help. Take care and of your tummy. Lottie

  8. Janet says:

    I can relate. Most of my women friendships in my adult life have felt one-sided. I would be more enthusiastic about the friendship and getting together with the other person and I would always end up getting hurt because the other person either wouldn’t return phone calls or e-mails or would cancel at the last minute. Because I have had so little experience with women friendships in my adult life, I just put up with it, probably for way too long, thinking this is something that happens and like you thinking that something was better than nothing. I thought that either I was thinking too negatively that the person was rejecting me or that the person in question simply was busy. After a while I would give up and blame myself, believing it was me that did something wrong because I have been rejected by people who are more functional and successful in life than I and that they think perhaps I am uninteresting. I still did not know if I spent too long on these friendships or whether I was being too demanding, I’ll never know. I too have felt rejection by family members and in-laws and don’t know why. I have a halfway decent relationship with my sister, but she lives on the opposite coast. I have a difficult time connecting with other mothers. At this point,in my life, it has become simply easier to not even try and reach out, so there will never be this question of rejection.

    • Amy says:

      Be grateful about having a family and thankful for having kids. This fact already makes you valuable and admired. I’m sure new obligations can challenge different people so don’t take it too seriously when things don’t work out well.
      You will find people with the same interests/hobby when you really try to enjoy them.

  9. joan says:

    I just finished a similar conversation about this with another friend .
    WE waant to make people happy, we want to be accepted, included, loved, needed and wanted.WE try to please everyone so they are happy. WE get used, abused and soon enough…avoided.
    MAYBE your friend feels like you are ALWAYS there.
    MAYBE she wants to ask/include other friendss too.
    Maybe SHE IS wrapped up in herself and didn’t realize how unavailable she is.
    MAYBE you should consider FIXING YOURSELF (emotionally) through therapy so you will be better equipped with the tools to TEACH YOUR CHILD how to build healthy relationships.
    I consider these things about 2 of my friends, but I always look in the mirror first to see how I can help fix friendship issues.
    Blessings to you, joan

  10. Lily says:

    Linda, just the fact that you gave a big part of yourself to take care of this person shows what a nice person you are. Seriously though, I agree with Irene. What do you expect from this woman who is suffering with bipolar? She can hardly take care of hersef. In other words, she has inner problems to work with yet, you expect her to react openly and warm to you. It is definitely one-sided. Why would you think people don’t like you? Do you come on too strong to others, and they pull away? Maybe you give too much of yourself and think this is the way to make friends? Just take a step back from things and rethink about how you would approach the next person you meet. From what I’ve read, you sound generous and giving, don’t let this one sided relationship destroy who you are. Besides, now you’re expecting a child. Be happy and think about how you will give a big part of yourself to him/her. You will most definitely make a lot of mom friends. You’ll see. Have a safe delivery.

Leave a Reply