Confused about difference between friends and lovers

Although there are similarities between friends and lovers, the relationships aren’t the same.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A couple of years ago I met a girl I started hanging out with. After a couple of months, we became pretty good friends and used talk about all kinds of stuff. She became a very dear person to me and I started having feelings for her. Since I never felt anything like that before, I thought I had fallen in love with her although I wasn’t physically attracted to her.

Most of my male friends believed my feelings were genuine, that she probably felt the same, and encouraged me to take action. One day I confessed my feelings. She said she didn’t feel the same and we couldn’t see each other anymore.

I was devastated and tried desperately to convince her to get back to me, but eventually gave up and moved on with my life. I read all sorts of articles about the friend zone and unrequited love. During this time, I made three or four attempts to get back together and we even met twice. But my fears made me pull back each time. I thought that since we wanted different things it was best we stay away from each other.

During this time I had several friendships with girls, some of which have turned into romantic relationships. However, none of them worked because physical attraction was missing. After several such experiences, I realized that I never felt anything more than friendship for these girls. I had convinced myself that physical attraction wasn’t important and all that counted was that we got along well. I was rejecting girls I was attracted to, considering the feelings to be superficial, and always turned towards my female friends for emotional support.

When I understood these feelings and felt more confident, I contacted my old friend, thinking we could rekindle our friendship. I sent her a message on Facebook asking her to hang out. She said we could, that she was working in a pub, and gave me the address if I wanted to stop by and visit. I told her I thought it would be better if we postponed meeting for a time when she wasn’t busy doing other stuff.

I recently broke up with a girlfriend, to whom I had lied at the beginning of our relationship. I had told her that I had had a relationship with this other woman, thinking I’d make a better impression since I’d been single for a while when I met her. My ex-girlfriend became jealous after hearing this and contacted my friend, revealing my lie. I told my friend it was a petty lie just to make a better impression, that any feelings I thought I had for her are gone, and I just want to be friends. She said she wasn’t upset and she would get back to me when she had the time.

However a couple of months passed and she never contacted me, probably even turned Facebook chat off for me since I haven’t seen her online anymore. I sent her two messages a couple of days apart asking if she was upset or something and that if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I understand but I’d just like her to tell me.

I understand I probably exhausted all my chances with this girl, I’d only like to understand what happened and why. It’s hard for me to believe the lie I told to my ex made her behave like that because I personally find a lie like that childish and innocent. Did she grow apart from me that much that she doesn’t even want to casually hang out or have a short conversation?

Signed, Peter

ANSWER

Hi Peter,

Peter, it would have been helpful to know your age. You sound young and if not very young, somewhat immature and inexperienced in life. Although there are many similarities between friends and lovers, the two relationships aren’t the same. Admittedly, it’s somewhat complicated because friends can be lovers and lovers can be friends. But, in general, lovers are generally thought of as two people who have a sustained, reciprocal relationship that includes sex.

If you have been confused, it’s understandable that your behavior would be confusing to the people around you. Also, you haven’t been honest about your feelings with your ex or with our friend. If you lie, how can you expect anyone to trust or believe anything you say?

I do not place great hope that you can repair the damage you have already caused with your friend. Too much time has passed and there are too many hurt feelings. If she wanted to be in contact with you, she would have over these months apart. But, you may feel better telling the truth and lifting this burden from your shoulders.

I wouldn’t recommend communicating with your friend online or showing up unannounced at the pub. Since she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to read your emails or electronic communications, you could send her a written note—apologizing for your confused and confusing behavior, telling her how you feel, and telling her you want to simply set the record straight. I doubt she will respond. To help avoid confusion in the future, which has the potential to be hurtful to you and others, I would also suggest that you speak to a counselor to help you sort out your feelings towards women.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about opposite sex friendships: 

• Three rules for opposite sex friendships 
• Can men and women just be friends? 
• We could be great platonic friends if only…

What are your thoughts about the differences between friends and lovers?

Tags: cross-gender friendship, difference between friends and lovers, friends and lovers, friendship, friendship advice, just friends, opposite sex

Category: Opposite sex friends