No close friends: Senior year friendship problems
A young woman having friendship problems during her senior year of high school…
QUESTION
I am 17 and in my senior of high school and so far it’s not the perfect senior year most people hope for.
I have friends but not close ones. They never ask me out and I am the one who always has to initiate a conversation, and they sometimes ignore me. These ‘friends’ always ask to copy my work and I feel that’s all they want from me.
I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me, I see people with so many friends and I just wish I could have the same. I just wish High School was over and this year has barely begun.
Signed, Serena
ANSWER
Hi Serena,
I’m sorry you’re not having the senior year you envisioned. Maybe you think you’re the only senior feeling disappointed and let down, but know that countless others are having the same experience. You guys just don’t know about each other.
I’m curious as to why you allow others to copy your homework, especially since they don’t reciprocate. Is this something you want to do, or do you feel if you say no these people wouldn’t be your friend? Are you unsure the best way to say no? If you’re letting your peers copy from you because you’re afraid they won’t like you, are these people you want as friends?
You can assertively decline requests by saying, “I’m not comfortable sharing my homework. I should have said that sooner.” Lots of people, including adults, think they have to give lengthy, almost apologetic responses. Sometimes saying more is less effective, because we sound less confident, almost like we don’t have a right to establish boundaries.
Try to imagine how your school day would transpire differently if you had a few close friends. How would you be acting differently? What would you look like walking the halls between classes? Would you smile or talk more? Trying acting “as if” you have those friends for a week and see if your conversations go differently. Also, make an effort to talk to others who aren’t in your social circle, even if you don’t envision they will become friends. You just might talk to someone who is having the same senior year experience you are.
Lastly, think about next year. What will you do to make your college social life different? We all have to learn how to make things happen, rather than waiting for what we want to come to us. If you’re shy, reaching out and extending invitations will feel awkward and uncomfortable. The more times you try, the easier that will be. Then, try starting early and see if that helps with your current, potential, or new friends. Most high schoolers are not as confident as they appear to be, they’re just trying to fit in without looking like they’re trying to fit in.
Good luck.
Signed, *Amy Feld
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.
Category: OTHER ADVICE, Teen friendships
I came onto the website to find some closure about my own personal experiences with my senior year in high school. I have been attending the same school for 7 years now, friends have come and gone (like they do) but I never truly had a best-friend until 10th grade. I came to the school with no friends back in grade 7, I was chubby and never really fitted in. I was beginning to get really low self confidence problems, by the end of grade 8, during the Christmas break, I told myself that grade 9 was going to be different. I was finally going to be apart of a big circle of friends. Throughout the christmas break I tried to lose weight, and I did. Weighing 55 (keeping in mind I was only 13 years old) kg originally, I went down to 40 kgs. I became very anorexic, but no one seemed to worry, as long as I was “skinny” right? I was finally getting attention from boys and was finally begging to fit in, which now when I look back makes me really sad that I felt like I needed to do that in order to be ‘liked’. By grade 10 I made friends with this girl, we became inseparable, she truly liked my personality for me and I knew that. We still remained best friends throughout grade 11 and a majority of grade 12, which now brings me to my problem which I have been very upset about.
(background leading up)
Throughout grade 11 I was experiencing a traumatising break up, where I dated an older boy who abused me emotionally and physically, it took 6 months of counselling to finally feel at ease with myself and feel like I could get back out there and be happy. This boy I dated honestly was just brutal to me, would call me a disgusting sl** (while we were dating) and would tell me that I was never going to go anywhere in life, when we would he would aggressively push me to the ground and grab my arm really tight. I was only 15 years old at this time, (these are just a few examples of the torment). Realising the negative effect he had on my life I knew I needed to get him out of it, and I did. Though, throughout our relationship I pushed my family and what friends I had away, It was my own fault. They would always try and tell me what this boy was doing but I stupidly defended him. Once the breakup was done, I became so insecure within myself that I started to believe him, I thought I was worthless. I had 0 confidence. Over the christmas break, getting excited for senior year I became closer with my friends again, cherishing every moment. My friends became my world, as they made me happy and would keep my mind off things. Senior year progressed on and both me and my best friend met two boys whom we fell in love with. I met mine at a coffee shop and my best friend became interested in a boy that I used to see. What a good friend right? She started seeing this boy who I saw, after my break up for a bit, who treated me like shit. They fell in love. She doesn’t hang out with me anymore. He’s what’s more important. Sad right, considering I would have done anything for her and she was my best friend. The only reason we still keep in contact is when she wants a lift or wants something, we haven’t properly hung out in 6 months, keeping in mind we use to be inseparable. He is not good to her, he emotionally hurts her but she will always defend him. Sounds familiar right, what I did back in grade 11. It is an end to our senior year and she has not made any effort with me, none what so ever. It’s like we never even had a friendship, we talk now an then but it’s not the same. She has completely shut me out of her life because of this boy, whom she’s only been dating for 6 months, while we have 3 years of friendship. Apparently it’s to ‘awkward’ to be friends because her boyfriend and I use to see each other before they did? Now here I am, end of senior year, sitting in my room alone. It’s sad because my only real friend is my boyfriend, but he has his own life that he needs to live and he can’t always keep hanging out with me, It’s sad to think that now I have no friends. Even though I did everything possible to keep the friendship with my best friend, I would try to organise to catch up but “she would be too busy”, or “already had plans” or just “with her boyfriend”. It’s perfectly fine to be in love and want to spend time with them, but it’s not okay to push away the people that care about you the most. With the way I feel I could continue this on forever, there has been so much that’s happened but I wouldn’t share that on here for her own privacy, but I’m so upset and lonely. I’m sick of being used and stupidly thinking that its trying to ‘rekindle’ our friendship because I do miss the friendship we had so much, we would always say we wouldn’t let boys come between use but here we are. Me with no friends, and her happy to just be with her boyfriend. I guess, summing this up, what i’m trying to say is that i’m angry, but mostly sad that I have to end my senior year with no-one. Not one friend by my side. Hope once I graduate everything changes, I hope I meet new people and create friendships, because I sick of spending every night on the weekend in bed while everyone’s out partying.
If anyone can relate to this in any way, you’re not alone. I’m here if you ever need to talk.
Hi Serena,
I am sorry that you feel this way during your last year of high school – I totally agree with both comments — Amy is right, ACT the part of being popular. Tune into the character that you wish to be in high school. Unfortunately perception always beats reality. Talk to people with confidence ALWAYS, if they do not reciprocate, move onto another person. Amy is right to say that there are so many kids in the same situation as you. You guys just need to find each other. I also agree with Lily who has commented to attend different classes or events where you can meet people.
I feel your pain as I have a son who is in grade 9 and he is going through the same sort of thing. When he texts people to go out they ignore his text. Nobody calls on him anymore, where at one time he was the “popular” one. I try and encourage him as best that I can to continue to reach out to people, but he gets all closed offish.
Kids are so cruel these days and its not any easier with all the social medias that they are on. But my beautiful niece who is her last year of University always says “Try not to worry about this so much, as things like this will not matter next year or in the next 5 years”.
Stay true to yourself on who you are – a valuable friend. And hopefully soon it will turn around for you. If not this year, you have University to look forward to next year and you can start with a whole group of kids.
Love yourself, because you know what – you are beautiful.
Patricia
Amy, you sound too intelligent for some of these girls. It’s possible you’re over their league meaning you’re mature, self confident and secure about yourself. Probably makes them uncomfortable. It’s definitely not you. It’s unfortunate that us girls/women have to be catty with one another, and not have the kind of brotherly bond that boys/men have.
If you have assigned seating in your classroom, you’ll be stuck sitting next to the same girl/s. If not, try going in 2 seconds before class testing begins to sit away from the copier. So how can you meet some interesting girls? Try joining a dance class, kick boxing, yoga or an after school activity? If you’re into writing join the newspaper club. You’re bound to meet young people who are on the same wavelengh as yourself. If you have a certain talent, look for a club that offers classes. Even if it’s not in your school, there has to be something within the community. You’ll get noticed and will most probably stand out to someone who will have the same interests as you. Don’t lose your confidence. Be who you are and take it one step at a time.