Can a mentor be a friend? Not always

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’m female in my early thirties and my female college mentor is in her mid-50s. When I was her student she invited me to her house to help me study. I thought it was kind of odd and crossing boundaries but I needed help in the class so I went. The way she had looked at me deeply in the eyes and asked me if I wanted help gave me some sort of “vibe.”

She is married and so am I. Both of us have kids; her children are in college and mine are toddlers. She always would compliment me on my looks. We text messaged each other a couple of times related to school (all the students have her number—not just me) but it seemed as though we got sort of close.

She invited me to her house again to study but that time I said I thought I would be fine without the extra help. One day when the semester was almost over she said if I ever needed anything at all to call her and even if it was late at night. Unexpectedly, I had to do that one night and sent her a message at midnight. The next day she sent a message back saying that it was too late and I woke her up.

I felt hurt because of her previous statement so I told her I would never talk to her again because I felt like a burden. Well, then a few weeks passed and school was over. I felt badly about what I had said (even though I felt hurt because she totally contradicted herself) and I emailed her and apologized. She won’t accept my calls either.

I’m obviously done with the “friendship” but I am hurt because of my apology that was never accepted. How can someone just cut someone off like that? She was the one who “initiated” all of the invites to her house, for help, etc. What the heck happened?? I will never get to talk to a person I really looked up to again and I am sad.

Signed,
Margie

ANSWER

Dear Margie,

Don’t look back and forget about this relationship.

It’s okay for a mentor or boss to invite you to her home or extend an offer of help but if you get the vibe that she (or he) is acting solicitous because she or he wants more than a platonic relationship, you need to be cautious. This does violate a professional boundary.

If your mentor offered her help because she wanted something in return, she may have gotten angry when you didn’t respond as she had hoped. Since she never said or did anything explicitly inappropriate, the possibility exists, too, that you may have misread her intentions.

Yes, suggesting you text her at any time and then getting upset when you did—did give you a mixed message. Your professor could have simply ignored the text until it was convenient for her to respond.

Even though it had to be upsetting to be reprimanded by someone who you once admired (and who may have power over you and your future), you probably shouldn’t have reacted to her mixed messages by telling her you would never talk to her again.

At this point, this relationship seems to be very confusing and over the long term, I don’t see any solid basis for her being a friend or a mentor to you. Mentors can play important roles in nurturing our careers but choosing a good mentor requires due diligence.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

You may be interested in this article I wrote several years ago for ScienceCareers.org about mentorship:

• Getting yourself mentored

These are prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on mentors:

• Escape from a toxic mentor
• When work and friendship are a volatile mix
• The special joy of friendships at different ages and stages

Tags: age difference, ambivalence, boss, boundaries, friend, friendship, friendship advice, friendship expert, mentor, mixed message, power, teacher, text etiquette

Category: Workplace friendships