Can a friendship on life support be salvaged?
A friendship on life support has only a slim chance of survival, especially if the friendship doesn’t have a solid foundation.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I’ve known my BFF for a little over a year; we’re both around 40 years old. She told me to not call her anymore after our first fight ever. I apologized, but she is still ignoring me, help!
Everything was great between us this whole time until now. When we went out, we always had a good time and some good laughs. I’d listen to her problems and she’d listen to mine. Slowly, she was becoming more distant. I never told her how I really felt about things that hurt and offended me for fear of losing her friendship—until the other day, when I told her almost everything that upset me. I was a little too harsh in my email to her on Facebook.
Recently, my husband and I came back from our first trip to Asia and she didn’t ask one question about our trip. She did say my photos were nice and listened to me talk about the trip a little. But she just went on and on about her latest boyfriend drama which never seems to end. She is in the process of getting divorced from husband number two for cheating on her with two women.
Her current boyfriend takes up a lot of her time as they talk on the phone for 3-4 hours a day. She is also out of work and depending on her soon-to-be ex to pay her rent and almost everything else. Also, her uncle is still in the hospital after suffering from a third heart attack. Of course I listened to her and sent my condolences and asked about how he was doing.
I have noticed she is more self-absorbed now. She used to do more for me, but last year I got nothing for Christmas even though she promised she’d get this specific item for me. I didn’t ask for it, she offered. I let it go since I knew that she was having financial issues. On my birthday, she didn’t even bother calling me. For my birthday, I just got a text from her at 11:30PM wishing me a happy birthday. She did treat me to dinner though a month later. I let that go, too, since she was super busy with work at that time.
It seems like she can’t take criticism too well. One time, I politely but firmly told her to not call me when she’s busy on the phone with other people. After I told her that, she almost never called me. Almost every call went to voicemail. Also, she’d always bug me to death to buy these expensive vitamins. I would always say no to her, but she kept on bugging me to buy them, but she did finally stop that a couple of months ago.
So I finally told her how I felt in a somewhat harsh way. I told her that I don’t want or need selfish friends in my life and that I was a bit hurt that she didn’t ask me one question about our trip and how she didn’t call me back after I called her twice. I told her I really needed to talk to her about this other friend that she doesn’t know. She did email me back and said that her phone was off at that time.
I also expressed annoyance at her almost never calling me and telling me this one time that she didn’t want to hear about my problems that I had with my husband anymore. I told her that it wasn’t fair since I listen to her numerous problems all the time. I also told her how annoyed I was at her for not taking no as an answer regarding the vitamins.
Well, she got mad at me and told me I’m pushing away my friends by “smothering” them and that is probably why that other friend is ignoring me. She told me that if I’m that insecure, that I should see a therapist. She also told me that she can’t deal with my behavior and she doesn’t need the stress and to not call her again. Also she said that I tend to get mad when people don’t pick up the phone at the drop of a hat. This is an exaggeration as I stopped calling her after awhile and I don’t bother anyone with more than two calls a day.
I also don’t text people unless I need to. I always wait for other people to email me back and not bug them too much. She doesn’t know this other friend or the details of our friendship. She is still my friend on Facebook, so does that mean that there is still hope that we can still be friends? I’m afraid that might not be the case as she once told me that she has done the “slow fade” with other friends in the past.
I did apologize and told her that I just wish that she could try to put herself in my shoes. I also told her that I didn’t mean to be harsh and I’m sorry that I hurt her feelings. I then told her that I care about her and that I’d still like to be friends and that this was just a misunderstanding. The timing of that email was really bad and I shouldn’t have sent it at such a stressful period in her life.
Did I already damage this friendship beyond repair? A friend of mine who doesn’t know her saw what I wrote and he told me that I didn’t sound harsh, just honest. He also said that it sounds like she’s fed up and to give her some space for now. That is what I’m doing.
Does it sound like the friendship is over with since she told me not to call her? What should I do? How long should I wait if she doesn’t get back to me? Should I apologize to her again? This is silly and if she dumps me or downgrades me down to a casual friend, then that would really hurt me. I’m really depressed over this! One last thing, what would make her become more distant and not as thoughtful for no particular reason? I’d really appreciate any insight and advice you can provide!
ANSWER
Hi Nanci,
I’m sad to say that I think this sounds like a friendship on life support—and that it probably won’t survive.
Although this was the first blowup between you, you describe a friendship that has been out-of-sync for some time. You seem to have ignored prior warning signs that the two of you were growing more distant and then made a series of mistakes:
- You allowed upsets and disappointments to accumulate without addressing them as they occurred.
- When you did speak up, you unloaded your collected, pent-up frustrations at once. Coming out of the blue, this would tend to seem harsh.
- You expressed these pent-up feelings in a message on Facebook rather than face-to-face.
- Your timing was unfortunate in terms of the other things going on in your friend’s life.
Your friend has many legitimate reasons for being distant and self-involved right now. She has been under terrible stress; dealing with a host of problems involving her uncle, her boyfriend, and her ex; she is also unemployed and is struggling to pay her next month’s rent. Given all these problems, it’s natural she would be “self-absorbed” and see your poorly timed demands (for gifts and attention) as just an added stress in her life.
Even though you are still on each other’s Facebook pages doesn’t mean you are friends. She told you not to call her and she hasn’t called you. So I do think you need to back off this friendship for now. Instead, think about what has happened in this relationship and how you can be a better friend to others in the future.
If you want, you could send her a note apologizing for your insensitivity at a difficult time in her life. Ultimately, the ball is in her court. She may or may not respond–but at least you will feel better by reaching out and trying to make amends for your mistakes.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: Apologies and forgiveness, HANDLING BREAKUPS
All this back and forth above suggests why some of these folks have a lot of trouble with their friends…argumentative.
I don’t mean any offense by this. I don’t know you so no need to hurt or insult you, I just want to be honest about this. It’s stressful that you demand time & attention but during the times that your friend tries to do so when she can, you DEMAND UNDIVIDED attention. Telling us how you listen to her never ending bf stories, but she doesn’t want to listen to your problems, sends a signal that you also like playing guilt trip. You listen to your friend’s woes because that’s what friends do. You don’t listen because you are waiting for her to reciprocate and listen, too. (although that’ll be great if she does) You said that she has had 2 husbands. That shows that she doesn’t deal with her husband’s crap and maybe it irritates her that you thing with your husband has been going on and on and she feels like you’re not doing something about it? You obviously feel that you are above your friend just by reading what you wrote. Demanding, clingy, guilt-tripping,attention-seeking and whiny friend.. Anyone will run far away from you if you continue seeing things just the way you want to see them. It’s a good thing that you sought advice online, it means that you are trying to gather other people’s opinion, for the first time.
Connie, no offense or anything since I don’t know you, but I disagree with most of what you said. Thanks for being honest, but you don’t know me or my friend, and honestly, you come across as being really judgmental. Just because my friend was and still is able to leave two guys who didn’t treat her right, doesn’t mean that I can walk away just as easily. If she can’t understand that, then perhaps she’s not the right friend for me.
Unlike her, I have NOWHERE to go. Things ARE better for us now, and she knew that too the last time that we met. I have two other older friends who can accept me as I am who don’t judge me. They don’t happen to think that I’m whiny, attention seeking, clingy, or needy. If they did, I doubt that they’d call or email me w/o me “bugging” them to. I was just out with one of them yesterday and she told me that my former bff sounded like she was jealous of me since we have such different lifestyles. My other good friends told me that she is a bit selfish and that a real friend would’ve forgiven me by now.
Did you read the apology that I sent her above? If not, perhaps you should before you judge me again. What kind of bff just tosses you aside like a piece of trash after you send her an nice apology like that after I’ve ALWAYS been there for her? I was so nice, that I even hung out with her last Thanksgiving when her loser ex b.f at the time who became husband number two broke his promise of coming to see her. I brought her food and kept her company since her mom was with her friends and she thought that the b.f would be over.
I have NEVER demanded any of her time. She CHOSE to spend time with me! It’s NOT as if I called her everyday, NO, I have RARELY called her except for when I really needed to talk to her a once every few months or less since I saw her often most of the time. Also, since that ONE time that I kindly but firmly told her to please not talk on the phone with other people when she was talking on the phone with me, she NEVER called me again! WTH? That is NOT being demanding! Expecting to be treated with respect is NOT being demanding, whiny, or whatever! How would you like it if someone interrupted you every few minutes to talk to a third party? To me, that was a red flag. I suspected that she can’t handle any criticism that well.
Also, she DID put up with her ex’s crap, and her current b.f’s crap quite a bit, so she’s NOT as strong as you might think she is. I’d go for over a MONTH w/o talking to her since she was busy with work. During that time, I did NOT call her, email her (expect to ask her how things were going at work and how she was), and that’s it! Does that sound clingy or needy to you? If so, then you don’t know what those words truly mean, no offense.
If it’s “whiny” to complain about normal problems, then I guess that I’m a big “whiner” and so is anyone else who dares to complain about life, which is normal in a close friendship. Not everyone can just get up and leave a relationship when they feel like it. If she can’t understand that, then she is not a very sympathetic person or the kind of person that I want as a friend.
For the record, I never went on and on about my problems for quite a while. For her to expect me to not talk about my problems, but for her to think that it’s OK to talk about her problems all the time, many of which were the same ones, is unfair to me. How would YOU like it if a friend told you, Connie, I don’t want to hear you talk about this or that anymore if you’re not going to do anything about it, how would you feel then?
Friendships should NOT be one sided. Friends should also accept the other person as they are and NOT expect them to be like them. They shouldn’t judge either. Also, friends should respect each others boundaries and NOT bug friends to death to buy anything from them. NO means NO. If a friend kept on asking you to buy something from them after you told them no nicely a million times, wouldn’t that bug you? To me, that’s a sign of disrespect. I should’ve said something a lot sooner, but like I said, but I thought that a few no’s were good enough.
Also, I would always pick up the phone when she called me with her family and guy problems. I noticed that she did more of the talking about her issues than I EVER did with mine! I was always a good listener and I would always give her good advice when it came to work and relationships. I’d even listen to some of the same stories over and over again.
For those times that she didn’t reciprocate my kindness such as me giving her a Christmas gift when she forgot to get me one, did I make a fuss about it? NO! I just let it go! Also, I did the SAME thing when she didn’t even bother to wish me a Happy B-day until 11:30pm at night when people who barely knew me on FB wished me a Happy B-day a lot sooner! That to me was cold, especially since she was a lot nicer in the past and ended up taking me to a really nice place and she got me a gift too. AGAIN, I let that GO! So, do I still sound DEMANDING, NEEDY, and GUILT TRIPPING to you now? Also, I did not try to “get back at her” and not wish her a Happy B-day until I was ready to go to bed since I’m not immature like that!
I did get her a nice gift from my trip and I took her out to a nice restaurant before we left. I did a lot for her, but I NEVER asked for anything in return! All I wanted was to be treated like an equal with respect and to be accepted for who I am and not be expected to change to suit other peoples needs or to change into the person that they think I should be.
Like I said, I didn’t mean to be harsh to you or her. I suggest that you read my final apology to her. Real friends should give each other second chances and not ditch them the moment that things start to become hard for them to deal with, unpleasant, inconvenient, etc…
Nanci, I’m sorry if I sounded a bit harsh on my first response, I don’t mean any harm. There is nothing you can do about another person’s attitude, but you can do something about yours. I’m thinking if you’re young and maybe lack some maturity? If you read all your responses, it seems like you’re pointing all the problem to your friend and is defensive about any problem pointing to you. Maybe you’re still irritated at her or frustrated at the way thing are with the 2 of you and if that’s the case, that’s fine and I hope you heal & have a closure even if your bff is not giving it to you. However, after all these, look back see where you could have acted better & apply it to future relationships. Hoping for the best 4 you
Oh sorry I just reread your post and shows that you are 40yrs old. Anyway maybe I lack a sweeter tooth or a better way of saying things, but please do not take it at me trying to make you angry/trying to hurt you. Sometimes there are things that we need to hear in order for us to realize them. Just trying to give you a glimpse of what the other camp might feel towards you. Good day!
Hi Connie, I do understand that you didn’t intend to hurt my feelings or anything like that. It didn’t. I must say that I am a bit annoyed that you seem to think that I’m the one with a problem and that my friend isn’t the problem at all. Did you read that nice apology email that I sent her that Jaqueline described as being beautiful? Does that sound defensive to you at all?
It’s not. For her to throw away a friendship and ignore me after a month and a half is ridiculous. She KNOWS that doing so would hurt me. She did it anyways. As for your last email, I didn’t DEMAND that she spend time with me or call me although it might’ve sounded like it that ONE time. Our friendship was great until I spoke up about a few things that were bothering me at a bad time. One mistake shouldn’t end a friendship that was great to begin with.
It’s not as if I called, emailed, or texted her all the time. Like I already stated a few times, I’d not hear from her when she was busy with work for over a month and I would NOT bother her then. I’d wait until she called or emailed me! I only contacted her once to see how she was doing! Does that sound demanding to you?
If so, then you probably don’t like hearing from your friends more often than once every few months. Just because I like to keep in touch with my friends more does NOT make me a needy, clingy, or demanding person! If I was that way, I’d have NO friends! I do have three real friends in my life still for the record. I’m not being defensive, just saying. None of them think of me as being the way that you described me as being.
Yes, you did apologize and that was really nice of you, but to expect an answer at the time frame that you want it demanding. Calling and asking for undivided attention can be demanding for some. I can be busy, but I know that I have a friend who likes hearing from me, so I call her when I have some time. Only, I hate staying on the phone so I try to multi-task whenever I do so. Then a friend tells me not to do/talk to someone else while I’m talking to her. I agree that that’s rude, but I was making time for you, shouldn’t you just appreciate?
There is a problem when you don’t want to recognize that you have a problem. The other party cannot speak for herself nor can she defend her actuations here. This is not a pity party. People should be able to possibilities from BOTH parties because if we were to give a one-sided opinion, then that would only feed your hurt emotions. And you will fail to see how you can be deemed clingy by others. I am not here to irritate you. Like I said, I just want you to see point of views other than YOURS. Seems like you are having a hard time with it. And I guess I can’t help you with that. I’m not joining your pity party.
Connie,
I think you are being a little harsh with Nanci. She is torn up over this friendship. She genuinely cared for this woman who did not reciprocate her feelings, and took advantage of her good nature. Everyone has different expectations of a friendship, and Nanci’s weren’t being met.
For example, I wouldn’t like talking on the phone to someone who is not focused on our conversation. I can always tell when someone is doing something else when talking to me. But that’s how YOU are.
Thanks, Jacqueline. I see that Nanci genuinely cares for her friend. However, we don’t really know the friend’s side apart from what Nanci tells us. If you read her statements/stories – parents/husband/friends – seems like she is always the victim. I read all the comments below and I applaud you for your patience and very kind words. Also, I think that spending time on the internet helping someone out is really Godlike of you. I am MD. Not a Psychiatric MD, but I did my rounds in the Psychiatric ward. Of course I don’t know Nanci as a person, but based on the things she revealed, I can see an issue here. Feeding the victim syndrome isn’t going to help her. However, you seem to have a lot of time dealing with Nanci and I can’t touch that. That’s how giving you are and that’s your time you are using. Let me just remind you though that the long talks will continue and you will see yourself drained in time. Mark my word. Do not feed the victim syndrome if you wish to help her. You need to respond matter-of-factly. WIth that being said, I refuse to waste more time on this issue. I have far better things to do than deal with Nanci.
Connie,
It is Nanci who came here asking for help, not her friend. She sounds like a genuine, caring person.
I don’t feel she is playing victim at all. She just needs some help and reassurance that she behaved properly with her ex-bff.
Oh, and Nanci is definitely NOT draining me. She is very appreciative of whatever help I offer her.
Jaqueline, thanks for sticking up for me once again! You’re right, I’m NOT playing the victim here. I just needed advice. Thanks for your kind words! I do appreciate your help and your kindness very much! I’m hoping that I can find Irene’s book at the library tomorrow. If not, I’ll buy it. And you’re right about what you said about people on here in another message from today.
Just because someone claims that they’re a Dr. doesn’t mean that they are one! It’s great that you can think for yourself! I have learned a few things by coming here and experience has taught me what not to do in my future friendships. I guess that some people are a lot more sensitive and unforgiving than they appear to be!
I was wondering, you told me about this friend of yours in a previous message who didn’t talk to you for 6 months. When she finally did end up talking to you again, was your friendship the same after that, or was there some tension there on either side? Do you think that she truly ended up forgiving you for whatever it is that you did in her mind?
You’re welcome, Nanci! It took me six months of trying to contact her….waiting a couple of months inbetween a phone call, email, then handwritten note. Actually, a year had passed since we had last been in touch.
I never did anything for this to happen. My friend’s mother had passed away, and I went to the funeral/burial. She held on to me the whole time. She thanked me for being there for her, and then I did not hear from her again!
There was nothing to forgive, as I did nothing wrong. So, when we did see each other again, I felt whatever it was, was not important. Our friendship is different (we still love each other) as we are older, and she goes to Florida for 6 months. There is absolutely no tension at all. We always have fun and can’t stop laughing when we are together/talk on the phone/or Skype each other.
Hi Jaqueline, thanks for sticking up for me! Don’t listen to Connie, she is clearly not on here to help people! She just wants to attack people that she doesn’t even know! Apparently she is a troll looking for attention!
As for being a Dr., what kind of Dr. has the time to post four threads in one day? And for her to tell you to not “enable” me when all you’re trying to do is be helpful is childish. She seems to be a bitter and angry person who probably has issues with people she perceives as being “weak”. She sure chose the wrong profession!
I’m glad that she’s gone, but I have a feeling that she might come back here anyways. Let’s just ignore her from now on and she’ll go do her trolling elsewhere. Thanks again for all of your kindness, insight, and advice! Stay classy and mature!
Thank-you Nancy. I am quite capable of making my own decisions, and I sense the goodness in you. Just because someone says she is a doctor, does not mean that she is.
Yes, you did apologize and that was really nice of you, but to expect an answer at the time frame that you want it demanding. Calling and asking for undivided attention can be demanding for some. I can be busy, but I know that I have a friend who likes hearing from me, so I call her when I have some time. Only, I hate staying on the phone so I try to multi-task whenever I do so. Then a friend tells me not to do/talk to someone else while I’m talking to her. I agree that that’s rude, but I was making time for you, shouldn’t you just appreciate?
There is a problem when you don’t want to recognize that you have a problem. The other party cannot speak for herself nor can she defend her actuations here. This is not a pity party. People should be able to possibilities from BOTH parties because if we were to give a one-sided opinion, then that would only feed your hurt emotions. And you will fail to see how you can be deemed clingy by others. I am not here to irritate you. Like I said, I just want you to see point of views other than YOURS. Seems like you are having a hard time with it. And I guess I can’t help you with that. I’m not joining your pity party. You need to GROW UP.
I totally agree with Nanci about your post being judgemental, you don’t know these people so who are you to judge and spew negativity like that?!
We need to remember that when we go on sites like these that we’re only getting one side of the story and it’s usually only a snippet of information therefore it would normally be difficult to make an accurate judgement on these situations unless we actually know more about it or if we were actually there when these events take place.
Nanci had stated that she apologised which is a mature thing to do and friendship is a two way street, not a one way street so if Nanci is expected to listen to her friend go on and on about her messed up love life then the friend reciprocate and return the favour at some point because that’s what friends do!!
Hi Zoe, I think that you might be right about your statement regarding controlling people. Another thing is that they can NEVER and NEVER will ever admit to any wrong doing. It’s always the other persons fault no matter what! Anyways, I thought that at first that she was super desperate for money since she didn’t have a real job at the time. She was just doing passion parties when I met her and she wasn’t getting that many clients due to the economy.
So I felt bad for her and just thought that she was being annoying and pushy. I thought that if I said no enough, that she’d back off, but she didn’t! She kept on trying to convince me to buy her “miracle” pills by telling me that it helped her to loose a ton of weight. So I asked to see before and after pics as proof. I didn’t say that of course, but of course I was skeptical especially since she told me that she could only sell them to me in monthly supplies and that it’d take a long time to see results! I wasn’t born yesterday, so I said no.
Well, she never did show me pics and she got so desperate once that she even offered to sell me a weeks supply! She refused to give me any samples and she told me that there were no refunds. WTH? So of course this made me not want to buy them! She became a lot sneakier soon after saying that she lost ten pounds recently and I asked her, so, did you start working out, did you go on a diet?
And she said, no, her pants just fit loser and I was like, oh, so was it the vitamins then jokingly, and she said yes to me in a matter of fact way! I then said, good for you! It was obvious that she didn’t loose any weight and that was just pure B.S to trick me into buying her stupid vitamins, ugh! So I guess that I shouldn’t be too upset at no longer being friends with someone who’s that pushy! There was more to this of course, but that’s just one example of how she was.
“think that you might be right about your statement regarding controlling people. Another thing is that they can NEVER and NEVER will ever admit to any wrong doing. It’s always the other persons fault no matter what! ” – Very true. Also, apologizing and EXPECTING to be forgiven or for the other party to talk to you within YOUR time frame is manipulative. You cannot do anything to change another person’s attitude, but you can do something about yours.
After reading all the comments below, I think that you were successful in making other people think less of your friend which is the main topic of your post. I guess this uplifts your spirits after being dumped by her? You also talked about another friend and your parents siding with your bipolar sister. In your stories, you are always the aggrieved party. You have a victim attitude and perhaps you are not getting your desired attention from people in your real life. You were successful in convincing the other people who commented here that you are not clingy or needy and that you are the aggrieved party in all the instances you provided. It’s not going to heal you or make you a better person. You need to grow up. Pity party ends here. But of course you want the drama so buh-bye!
This will be my last post. I am new to this website and I recently discovered this after searching for “CLINGY FRIENDS” on google. Yah. The type who likes pity parties.
Connie, wow, OK, bye! You’re pretty immature for coming to a friendship site to accuse people that you don’t know of throwing pity parties, being immature, clingy, manipulative, etc…You seem to be trolling for attention. It’s hard to believe that you’re a Dr. if you are, then you’re in the wrong profession as doctor’s need to be empathetic, compassionate, patient, and understanding on some level. No offense of course! You said that you don’t know me, and that is true. It’s a bit disturbing and scary to how you’re taking this so personally. Hhhmmm….
Anyways, to try and convince Jaqueline that I’m not worth her time is very childish and lame. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. She is not enabling me, but giving me advice and insight into things. If she feels that I have become too “draining” then she’d simply stop replying to me.
I hope that this isn’t the way that you treat your friends in real life. If you do, then you probably have very few real friends to no real friend. No one would want a friend like you if you are this way in real life unless they had serious self esteem issues. You sound like a bitter and angry person.
In the future, please don’t come to a friendship site or any other site to where people are trying to HELP each other only to end up bashing someone that you don’t know. I don’t appreciate being accused of having a “victim” mentality. Everything I said on here was true and not embellished. Nothing was left out. I was NOT trying to make my friend look bad or get pity, ugh! I was being as honest as possible so that I could get more detailed answers.
Regarding my friend, yes, there are two sides to every story, but it’s not as if she’s going to find this thread all of a sudden and say something, or maybe she did? Hhhhmmmm….
Anyways, that’s a bit crazy that you posted something four times in one day. Wow, you sure have a LOT of time on your hands for a Dr.! lol! Good bye troll!
You’re still talking?
What you need is to see a counselor or a doctor because you have issues.
You’re welcome.
My time is important and I unlike you, I don’t spend my life on the internet.
Connie,
We are not on this site to bash others, but to HELP others. If you are in fact a doctor, then you should show a little more compassion and understanding. And making a diagnosis of “spending your life on the internet” is totally inappropriate. For someone who has no time for it, you are on HERE quite a bit, and it seems you must always have the last word.
I respectfully suggest that you do not try to antagonize anyone, especially Nanci, and just not respond to her anymore..You’ve made your point and there is no reason to keep repeating it.
Thank-you.
Jacqueline,
My diagnosis and personal comment are 2 different things. Don’t worry because like I said, I don’t want to join the pity party. You clearly do not know what therapeutic communication means. Although I must admit, I did get personal. (No wonder I’m not a Psychiatric doctor!) However, let me diagnose the Nanci-Jacqueline relationship: A co-dependent and a manipulator. A match made in heaven!
YOU ARE NOT HELPING THE PATIENT.
YOU WILL GET DRAINED IN TIME.
Goodbye!
Thank-you for your totally wrong diagnosis, Connie. You have made an evaluation, based on absolutely no facts. You know nothing about me.
Please take your “medical bag” and go practice somewhere else. You are a control freak who must always have the last word. I am not interested in carrying on this ridiculous conversation with you any further. Good luck to you. You do not belong here.
Jaqueline, wow, I’m sorry to hear that Connie ended up attacking you too just for replying to my responses! Thanks again for sticking up for me! I would stick up for you too, but I think that if I replied back to Connie, that she’d just keep coming back here to do more trolling.
So we should both ignore her from now on! I highly doubt that she is a real Dr.! Not with that much time on HER hands, LOL! I wasn’t even on here last night! I was out with a good friend and we went out to eat and then we saw the new Superman movie which was really good btw! The guy who plays Superman in it is hot and a good actor!
Anyways, you sure are a classy person for not sinking to Connie’s level! I’m glad to hear that you and your bff have a lot of fun when you’re together! As for Connie’s ridiculous statements, what does she know? She sounds like a wannabe Dr. Phil, lol! You’re right, she doesn’t belong on here since she clearly isn’t really here to help anyone. We should all ignore her from now on. Don’t feed the trolls!
All’s well that ends well 🙂
Hi Jaqueline, OMG, she never got my last email! I know that since I called her the day before Father’s Day! I just HAD to go against what everyone else told me to give our friendship ONE last final effort, and it paid off!
So I left a long v.m, but it was to the point. I said some of the same things that I said in the email that I shared on here. She then wrote me back and told me that she forgave me. She told me that she’d call me today, but she hasn’t yet and it’s driving me nuts, but I’m not going to contact her until she contacts me as she DID tell me in her email that I’m needy and very sensitive.
I hope that she’s not just saying that, but she doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d BS me that much. She might not be the most direct person, but I don’t think that she’s that cruel. I get the impression that she still hasn’t found a job yet as she made no mention of that.
However, this new b.f of hers really takes up a lot of her time. Also, she did mention plans to take real estate classes with him, so perhaps she’s still busy. Also, she might’ve forgotten to call me? Should I call or email her if I don’t hear back from her today sometime tomorrow or the day after that?
I’d like to not appear needy, so this is hard. I don’t have much in the way of patience at times! I have learned my lesson and when something comes up in the past to where her behavior is bothering me, I’ll bring it up if it’s really that important and tell her how I feel in the nicest way possible! I feel so much better now! I hope that she does call me soon and makes plans to see me as well as I haven’t seen her in so long!
Nanci,
Is your friend telling you the truth that she never got your email? Hadn’t you left her other voicemails?
If she had forgiven you, then why didn’t SHE call YOU before all this?
People say, “I’ll call you later”, “Ya, ya, we’ll get together tomorrow” and then never follow through. It is just talk. They mean it at the time they say it.
I have only made SUGGESTIONS to you. Nanci, it is your life and you do what you want with it. However, I think chasing her again with phone calls and emails is NOT a good idea. You will definitely appear needy and desperate and turn her off. I say, leave it alone. You know for sure now that she heard your voicemail; you talked, she said she would call you. You have done everything. I strongly suggest that you stand back. Take a long, deep breathe. Let this happen naturally, and stop forcing the friendship. The ball is in her court now. Move on. If she calls you, she calls you. You did your best. Put a period to this and stop torturing yourself over it. Patience is a virtue 🙂
Also, Nanci, you must remember that your friendship with this woman does not have a solid foundation, as you only know her a year. And look at all the aggravation and heartbreak you have had in such a short time. You do not really know her at all. A relationship takes YEARS AND YEARS to develop. It must be nutured by both parties, not only one.
Hi Jaqueline, she DID call me back last night around 10p.m! I kept things light hearted and only spoke about myself when she asked me a question about and old fb post. I refriended her on FB too. Thanks so much for your advice, and I do find it odd to how she didn’t get my last email, but sometimes emails get sent to the spam folder and then deleted. Or I myself might have sent it to the wrong email address as I did send it to her late one night when I was still very upset.
So, wow, I KNEW that this one silly incident would not make her hold a grudge forever! I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes my gut feeling is right! I just had a VERY strong feeling that hearing my voice again would prompt her to respond to me!
As for your questions, I only sent her one defensive half hearted apology, and the one that I posted on here, she never got. I did NOT call her for almost two months! I thought that two emails were enough! I just had to give one last try, and I’m SOO glad that I did! She might’ve taken the deletion on fb and my first apology as a sign that I didn’t want to be friends anymore because of her response and what I wrote to her the first time!
She and I talked for a long time and in her last email to me, she explained to me clearly that she usually doesn’t answer her phone. She just checks messages and she usually doesn’t respond to them unless it’s an emergency or a s.o (she didn’t say that, but I know her well enough that she does that)…ha ha.
Anyways, we’re going to meet in person tomorrow. I asked her about how she’s doing and the good thing is that she dumped that loser b.f of hers who she was so set on marrying due to a few major issues with money! Good for her! So I’ll still keep things lighthearted with her. I have learned my lesson and from now on, if I have any issues with what she says or does, I’ll tell her in a very nice way about it at that time!
So I guess that she was never really a phone person as much as I thought she was! I’m not either, and I did overreact to a few things. I did read her email again and she said that IF I’m that needy and sensitive, then it will be hard to please me.
So perhaps I’m not really needy to her most of the time. She just has time restrictions and you’re right, patience is a virtue! I was worrying too much! I know her well enough to know that she is not the type of person to BS someone that she was close to, and that still wants to be close to me as she told me that she missed me too after I told her that I missed her! We’re still besties-:)
I have a good feeling that we’ll be best friends for years!
I’m so happy now! I won’t make this mistake with anyone ever again! Thanks for being so nice and helpful! You’re awesome!
Hi Jaquline, I just replied to you and it got deleted as it was a duplicate, ugh! Anyways, I DID hear back from her last night at around 10p.m!
I kept things focused on her and only talked about myself when she asked me about something that I posted on fb. I didn’t confront her, I just said that we should both let things go and move on.
I believe her when she said that she didn’t get my email. It’s possible that it went to her spam folder or that I sent it to the wrong email address as I was upset when I sent it. I doubt that she’d lie about that. I only emailed her twice. I never called her since that was more than enough.
I was glad that I listened to my gut and called her! I’m going to see her tomorrow! We’re back to being besties! YAY! Thanks for being so kind and helpful! Hopefully this message will go through!
Nanci,
I am very happy for you. Please let me know how it goes after the two of you see each other.
Jaqueline, for some reason, I couldn’t hit reply on here like I used to with you or anyone else, weird! Hopefully you’ll get this reply. Thanks for your advice once again. When can you tell when you have a solid foundation with a friend? How long does it take before you can be honest with someone and not have them end up hating you for being so?
As for being too needy, well, I don’t think that I am. I hardly ever call people and talk to them for along time about my problems only. I think that real friends should be there for each other when needed. I was going through some old emails last night and one email from my former friend made it seem as if talking to me on the phone for an hour was a huge inconvenience for her as it took time away from talking to her dad who she always hangs out with on Sunday.
Her mom and dad divorced each other when she was a young teenager. At the time, I was devastated due to a physical assault on me by my bipolar younger sister who was living at home at the time. She sucker punched me from behind for saying a few things that she didn’t like to hear. My parents were mad at me for speaking up about a few things that truly were unfair too. Anyways, she ended up deeply scratching a few parts of my face. And to make a long story short, my parents blamed me for “provoking” her, ugh! I tried to walk away from her, but she followed me into the hall to where the attack was done when everyone else wasn’t around.
I wanted to go the hospital, but was denied that after I said that I would call the cops on her for assault. So that night I called my former bff and another good friend and told them about the story. They both told me to not call the cops since I was told not to. My husband told me to not do it otherwise he’d leave me there by myself with no money to get back home. With all that trauma, you’d think that my former bff wouldn’t treat me as some sort of inconvenience to her and that listening me for an hour about my ordeal wouldn’t make her upset about taking time away from her dad. She also went into details about how much of a sacrifice things were by saying that she barely had time to eat, etc….WTH?
I wouldn’t do that to anyone else in their time of need! At the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly and thought that I was bugging her too much! So if that’s needy, then I guess that I am! Not being sarcastic here, just saying! She also told me that she has heard enough of my issues with my husband to know how things between him and I are and that she didn’t need to hear anymore and that I have a choice to either leave him or be nicer to him and do what he wants. Again, WTH?
My definition of a friendship is one to where there is an equal amount of give and take, and when there is an imbalance there alone with disregard for another persons feelings, then to me, that’s not a real friendship. I obviously didn’t realize how she really was until a lot later in our friendship. Since she was always sweet and tactful, I always thought that I was the problem.
Now I see that I wasn’t. She just mostly wanted a friendship that was free of problems most of the time. I see that now. Since her life has always had a lot of stress in it, I guess that she saw me as a “burden” after awhile. That’s not what a true friendship should be about. I shouldn’t have to feel as if I’m a burden when I’m having a tough time and need someone to talk to. I’m always there to listen to my friends when they need me and I never make them feel as if they’re bothering me by doing so.
Hello, Nanci:
Sorry to hear about the tough times you have been through. You were treated unfairly. Your BFF and especially your husband, should have been there for you. You have surrounded yourself with the wrong people.
You can have what you think is a solid foundation for 25 years with a friend, and then something stupid ends it, or sometimes, no reason at all. Again, it is all trial and error. We just try our best, Nanci.
Hello Jacqueline,
Thanks. Yeah, I was treated unfairly. There is nothing that I can say or do to change their opinions when it comes to certain things. Clearly, they thought that I provoked a fight, ugh! I didn’t talk to my parents for months and there is NO way in hell that I’d even be in the same house as my crazy sister again! I have made it very clear that I’ll avoid her at all costs and that if she is there w/o my knowledge and she ends up trying to hurt me again before I can leave, then the cops WILL be called no matter what!
I keep my distance from both my parents for a lot of reasons and I only tolerate having them around for the holidays mostly. As for my husband, his good qualities outweigh his bad ones, but I do wish that he’d take my side a lot more often! I think that I have made some bad decisions when it comes to people in the past!
I just hung out with a good friend of mine today who is older and wiser and she told me to give up on this so called bff unless she apologizes for what she said to me in her response. She told me that she doesn’t sound like a good friend since she’s been ignoring me for so long after two apologies. I think that she might be right unfortunately-:(
That’s too bad that even though some people can be friends with someone for a long time, that one little thing can end it all-:( Yeah, it is all trial and error it seems!
The next time that I need to tell a friend something about them that is negative such as some aspect of their behavior that bothers me, what would be the most tactful way of doing so that won’t offend them or make them mad? I can’t just ignore behavior that bothers me a lot such as being late often, flaking out on plans a lot, etc…I’d appreciate any advice that you can give me! I’ll be sure to be a lot more tactful with my words from now on!
Well, Nanci, no one likes to hear something negative about themselves. People are super sensitive about that. But, maybe you could tell them something positive that you like about them, like, “I really think you are such a great friend, BUT when you try to push me to buy your weight loss products, I am very uncomfortable with it. Our friendship is not about business.
For someone who is always late, just tell them to meet you at an earlier time!
What will not offend one person, could offend someone else. You cannot walk on eggshells around everyone, Nanci.
Jacqueline, you’re right about that. Some people are a lot more sensitive that others I guess. A good friend of mine that I hung out with last night told me to forget about her and move on as a real friend would’ve forgiven me after a months time by now after TWO apologies!
She told me that her last message to me was meant to hurt me as she is well aware of my issues with depression and anxiety. To tell me that I need to see a therapist in a mean way if I’m that insecure is uncalled for. Perhaps she was holding back too and telling me that my problems were really too much for her to bear when she already hinted to me a few times that she can’t deal with them anymore by telling me that she doesn’t want to hear about my problems with my husband anymore months ago?
Thanks for your tips and advice! So, should I take my friends advice and forget about her and move on? It looks like she never had any intention of ever talking to me again after her last message telling me to not call her. A real best friend would’ve probably forgiven someone that they consider to be their bff too over a silly misunderstanding and a few unkind words, right?
Hi Jaqueline, you’re right. Some people do seem to be more sensitive than others though. I have a personal question for you….if a best friend complained about some aspect of your behavior in a less than kind way, would you ignore them for over a month and not forgive them for sending two sincere apologies?
I know that everyone is different, but I need to know if you would though. A friend of mine that I saw last night said that she would. Thanks again for your advice. I’ll be a lot more careful in the future!
Hi Nanci:
If I had been in your situation, and you had sent me two apologies, I would definitely still speak to you. (One apology would have been enough,) I am very big on communication in a relationship. I also believe that everyone deserves a chance, that we all make mistakes, including me…lol.
Nanci, it is time to move on. You are a good little person who should not have to beg someone to be your friend.
Jaqueline, thanks for answering my question! You sound like an awesome person who’s a good friend to those in need! You’re right in telling me that I shouldn’t have to beg for forgiveness. I wrote her one of the most heartfelt and most sincere apology ever.
For her to not respond to something like this tells me that her heart is as cold as ice. I don’t know, what do you think?
Here it is:
Bestie, please read this email carefully instead of deleting it. Again, I’m sorry for the things I said to upset you. I should’ve told you about certain things at the time it occurred, and in a nicer way. If you give me another chance, I’ll do that from now on. Promise. I was afraid to since we haven’t been friends for long. I didn’t want you to be mad at me, but at the same time, I couldn’t just ignore some things. I like for my friendships to be honest. If you can’t be honest with your friends, then it’s not a real friendship. I know that there is a right way and a wrong way to express how you feel. I tend to let emotions get the best of me at times. I’m working on dealing with how to handle them as well as other issues like complaining to much and assuming the worst about situations and other people. I take back all the harsh words and accusing you of ignoring me. I won’t overreact anymore. You helped me to see a few things clearly. The situation with Dorothy was nothing like I thought it was. She’s just been busy and we’re going out tomorrow.
I’m trying to change. I just joined a support group on here for depression and anxiety so that my friends don’t have to hear about my problems as much. There will be times when I will need to talk about some problems and I’m hoping that you can be there for me for when that happens. You have been a wonderful, supportive, kind, sweet, sensitive, and loyal friend to me for over a year now. I hope that we can go back to being best friends. To loose you over only one silly misunderstanding and a few poorly chosen words would be stupid. It’s not like I completely betrayed you in some big way or stole anything from you.
I won’t assume the worst anymore if I don’t hear back from you right away from now on. I know that you’re busy now and under a lot of stress. It just seemed odd to me to how we used to talk on the phone a lot more and now we rarely do. That’s OK as long as you can keep in touch via email. Can you forgive me and forget about this one small incident? I hope that you can. We had a lot of fun together and a lot of good laughs. Let’s not one thing small thing ruin it. Hopefully this won’t create distance between us from now on.
In your last message to me, you told me to not call you. I hope that was said out of anger and that you didn’t actually mean that. You didn’t, right? Not that I’m going to call now. I’ll wait for you to respond to me. The fact that you still kept me on FB and didn’t delete me is a good sign that you probably just need a little more time to cool off. It also looks like you found a new job? If so, congrats! Although you’re busy now, it would take a load off my shoulders if you were to reply back to me soon just to say that we are still best friends and that you forgive me. I have been a good friend to you since I’ve known you. I even brought over pie, ice cream, and my cheesy potatos when Clifford flaked on you for Thanksgiving. One negative incident and a couple of annoying calls and emails shouldn’t erase all the good that I did.
I will always be a big worrier. Us Cancers tend to worry a lot. We can’t help it! We also tend to be a little too emotional at times! You not calling or emailing me back right away is not a reflection of you. It’s about me worrying to much, I get it. I won’t do it again. I hope that you won’t shut me out for having an issue with depression and anxiety. Since you didn’t head for the hills the moment I told you about things, then perhaps you can handle it? I hope so. I’m not crazy at all. I have real disorder. I won’t burden you with it though as most people don’t get what it’s like unless they have the same problem. I’m not like your mom. I don’t live in denial and think that other people are the crazy ones. I take medicine as you know and it’s really helped me a lot! Things were so bad for me at a few times in my life that I tried to commit suicide more than a few times. I won’t go there again.
Don’t worry, I won’t do that to myself. I’m a lot better now. Good friends have really helped me feel so much better over the years! I hope that you’re not going to try to ignore me as a way of punishing me. Friends forgive and forget. One fact about the type of depression that I have is a sensitivity to rejection. Real or perceived. Depressed people aren’t dangerous or crazy. I suffer from anxiety still too, but it’s very rare for me to experience anxiety now aside from social anxiety which is different. Modern day medicine is something! Here is that link:
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/atypical-depression
still think of you as my bestie. I hope that you feel the same way still and that we can remain besties until we’re both old ladies.
I hope that you read it to understand me better. I’ll always be a work in progress like most of us are. You seem like a forgiving person, and I hope that I’m right about that. How is your uncle doing btw? Better I hope. What about you, A and B ? I respect your boundaries and the fact that you need your space and that you can’t always answer the phone, or get back to me right away. I let what happened in the past with other people effect me. I won’t do it anymore. You’ve had some bad friends too, so you know how that can make you wary of others. I’m a lot better off now. I’m happier than I’ve been in some time although I do get a little down on myself at times.
Your bestie still,
“Nanci”
Thank-you for all the nice things you wrote about me, Nanci. I just do my best with the people I love.
Your letter was beautifully written. I would have sent it by snail mail instead of email. An email is easier to press “delete” and forget about it. I did the same thing with my BFF. She did not respond to my phone messages, or emails, so I wrote her a little note from my heart, as you did. We had a friendship of 35 years and for some unknown reason, she stopped contacting me. She DID call me once she received my card. We never discussed how or why this happened, and our friendship just picked up from where we left off.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, Nanci. This friendship may just have run its course, unfortunately.
Jaqueline, you’re welcome! Thanks for your kind words in regards to my letter. Maybe she did delete it. Or perhaps she never got it as stuff can sometimes end up in the spam folder. Also, perhaps she hasn’t even checked her email yet as she’s been so overwhelmed with so much in her life.
Since I already deleted her off FB. she might’ve taken that as a sign that I have given up on her so therefore won’t bother responding to me if she had any intention of doing so. I talked to a good friend of mine the other day and she told me that a month is not enough time for some people to get over a disagreement. She told me to wait a few more months and to send her a Christmas card.
Although you and everyone else have already told me to move on, should I try to call her personally one last time a month from now to ask her if she even got this email? Sorry to hear about you and your bff-:(
That’s great that she eventually ended up talking to you again! That’s too bad that nothing was ever said about what upset her in the first place! How long did it until she contacted you again?
What do you mean exactly by the friendship has run it’s course? We never had any real disagreement before! We always got along great! So this one little thing shouldn’t ruin things! If she is going to hold a grudge over this, especially if she did end up reading such a heartfelt apology, then perhaps I should just give up on her.
So, should I just forget about her for good now or give her one last chance by contacting her on the phone a month or two from now?
If she didn’t read this email, then she’ll never know how sorry that I am for what happened. She seemed as if she was really happy on FB before I deleted her. Part of that made me upset as if she is OK now, then why wouldn’t she contact me after a month after two apologies?
I’m going to have to shut up about this soon as a good male friend of mine told me that other people dislike being around negative people and listening to other people talk about their problems too much. I’m not really a negative person, but I do talk about my problems more than I should at times.
I do listen to other peoples problems too though! From now on, I’m going to take his advice. Someone else told me that it should be fun to be around other people, not draining, so I guess that most people try to avoid you when you’re down, ugh!
I’d appreciate anymore advice before making my final decision. So far it’s leaning towards forgetting about her as a real friend would’ve forgiven me by now IMHO.
Nanci,
My friend contacted me after 6 months, but only a couple of weeks after that snail mail note.
A friendship could run its course in a short period of time, or longer. Just like any relationship…sometimes it can last for years, sometimes it ends after a few weeks.
I say move on, Nanci, and forget about her. You did your best.
Jaqueline, you’re lucky that your friend decided to talk to you again! I’m a little confused though, did she start talking to you again after two weeks or six months?
I have a feeling that even if I sent her a card that she still wouldn’t have responded back to me, ugh! Like I said before, this was our first real argument, so for her to hold a grudge against me over this is really odd!
What sort of things would cause a friendship that seemed so great with no real trouble run it’s course? I’d like to know what they are so that I can avoid making those mistakes in the future.
I’ll shut up about this soon as everyone else including you have already told me to forget about her and move on. I can’t help but feel hurt though. As a good friend of mine told me, she’s probably not even wasting her time thinking about you, so why bother stressing out about her? He’s probably right and I should stop. It hurts being tossed aside so easily as if you never meant anything to them to begin with!
Well, Nanci…I only found out afterwards that my friend had recently purchased a home in Florida and is gone 6 months of the year, so that is why it took so long.
Since you and your ex-bestie live near each other, I would just suggest you stop worrying about bumping into her and just see what happens IF you do. Your heart will tell you whether you want to acknowledge her or not.
Hi Jaqueline, well, that explains why your friend was so slow in responding back to you, but still, it only takes a few minutes to email or call someone.
Anyways, if I do see her again, it might be a case of too little to late. The fact that she hasn’t forgiven me after all this time makes me think that she isn’t worth taking back as a friend. Real friends should be able to forgive each other and move on.
A good friend that I went out with yesterday just told me to ignore her if I end up seeing her again. After two apologies, I shouldn’t be ignored like this. This is ridiculous, so I’m going to learn from this and move on like I should’ve done a long time ago.
This has ordeal has really hurt me badly and I’m not so sure if I can ever really trust anyone 100% again for fear of being judged and thought of as being “whiny”,”demanding”, or whatever.
I can’t go through something like this again, to have what I think is a good friend, only to be tossed aside like a piece of trash once I start becoming an “inconvenience” and too “not fun to be around anymore”, and “too whiny”, too demanding”, etc…
I can`t find the reply button to your recent postings lately, either, Nanci.
You are NOT whiny or demanding, but a caring and kind person who is a great friend.
Jaqueline, thanks for saying that you don’t think that I’m whiny, needy, etc…I am a nice and good friend! I just made one mistake!
I see that there is a reply button at the end up my last post, finally! Since all of my other friends have told me to forget about her already including everyone on here, I will.
One good friend told me the other day that she is probably jealous of me since she’s poor and she doesn’t have a guy in her life who’s willing to support her. She told me that I have almost everything that she wants. I think that she might be right.
It also seems as if she only wants friends who are convenient and easy to deal with since she complained about how “needy” her other best friend is and how she doesn’t seem to get that she’s too buys to hang out with her as often as her friend wanted to.
She also told me that this other friend always spent too much money on stupid stuff. Perhaps she’s jealous of anyone who is better off than her, ugh!
She has also complained about her bugging other people to buy Avon on FB, yet she was being a big hypocrite by bugging people to buy her stupid “miracle” vitamins, ugh! This friend, her soon to be ex, and my former bff’s mom has bought her stupid vitamins. I think that they were pressured into buying them.
This friend sounds weak, and a lot like a follower since she tried to copy my former bff according to her by trying to become a passion party consultant too.
This friend doesn’t drive, so it wasn’t possible for her to get any business. I think that she’d rather have weak friends who look up to her rather than a stronger one who’ll expect to be treated with respect and who has the guts to be honest.
Good morning, Nanci:
I don’t think you made a “mistake” with this friend. This whole fiasco with her just really showed you her true colours. She is the loser in all of this, because she does not see what a really good friend you are. From what you have said, she is definitely jealous, needy, and a user. Nothing about her says “friend”.
Hi Jaqueline, I was a good friend to her all this time. So I made one mistake and I’m no longer her friend? Ugh! I just saw something today on FB that said something along the lines of how you can do a lot of nice things for someone and that the only thing they’ll remember is that ONE mistake that you made! So true!
A real friend would’ve forgiven me by now after two apologies! I should get that book on friendship. A few other people thought that she was probably jealous of me to. If she was, then she sure did a hell of a job hiding it well!
One of my older friends told me that it’s difficult for two people who have different lifestyles to be friends. I have a better life than her, but it’s not perfect! I would not be jealous of someone who’s better off than me! I’d be happy for my friends!
So, what do you think she meant by that? I asked her and she told me that I have almost everything that she wants even though my life isn’t perfect, at least I have a man to take care of me, a house, I don’t really have to work (but I do take care of the house, and that is work!), I have nice clothes, etc…Not bragging here, just saying.
What do you think that means, and do you agree with that or not? For the record, I have a few good friends who are worse off than me AND her, and they don’t resent me for having a better life than they do! Also, some of my former friends have had a less than great life, but none of them seemed to have an issue with it as far as I knew.
Nanci,
“Gratitude has a short lived life”. Never forget that.
Unfortunately, most people are not happy with their lives. My dear friend, Lynda (who passed away 8 months ago) very wisely once told me, “Keep your happiness to yourself”. And I abide by that.
I have never had a problem having friends from all different levels, but that is ME. It doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
Nanci, I think you SHOULD get Irene’s book “BFF’s Forever”. It helped me tremendously. Just live your life, and do the best you can, sweetie.
Hi Jaqueline, thanks for your kind words! We went out yesterday and things went back to being the way that they were! YAY! I didn’t bring up anything about the past. I mostly listened to what she had to say. She did listen to me talk too about what’s going on with me now as well.
We went out to eat and we did a little bit of shopping too. She called me her bestie and that we should celebrate my B-day soon. I told her that she didn’t have to do anything since money is tight now, but she insisted on doing so. You give great advice, so I hope that you’re a regular on here as you’re good at being objective but kind and considerate as well-:)
I am delighted to hear all this, Nanci!
And, ya, I AM a regular on here 🙂
Thanks! So am I! I sure hope that I won’t have to come back here for advice anytime soon! I’ll try to help others as much as I can! I’ll see you around on here! And thanks for all your help and advice once again!
Thanks Jaqueline, me too! Hopefully I won’t have to come back here for advice anytime soon! I’ll try giving people advice when I can. See you around!
Hi Jacqeline, you’re right, I was mistaken in thinking that this friendship already had a solid foundation after only a year! Yes, it was wrong of me to have let things build up instead of talking about certain issues when they occurred in person. I’ll be sure to not make that mistake again with anyone! Well, it’s been almost a month since I last heard from her. I already sent her two emails. The last one was a very sincere and nice apology. I didn’t say anything that was negative in it regarding her at all! I told her that I value her friendship, and that I admitted that I was a little too harsh in my first email to her.
I was NOT overly harsh though. Two friends saw it as being more direct and honest. A couple of them said it had a not so friendly tone, but no one said that it was overly harsh.
One good friend told me to wait a few more weeks and to then call or email her and to keep things short and sweet. She told me to just say, hi, how have you been lately? I miss you and I’d love to hear from you again! I will do that. If she doesn’t respond to me after that, then I’m done trying to reach out to her. To throw away a friendship over something so silly is stupid as good friends are hard to come by. If she is going to hold a grudge against me because of this, then it’s better for me to move on. I did my part, and I was sincere about asking for her forgiveness, so if she can’t forgive me, then there isn’t much else I can do. As for Face Book, yeah, having her on there as a “friend” still doesn’t really mean anything.
Knowing her though, she is the kind of person who knows that I’m a big worrier and a part of me thinks that she might be playing games as she has played mind games with every guy in her life before. She did leave one cryptic message up saying something about how her and this one other friends are strong, stable women who can deal with all of life’s crap and stress since they’re cool like that. WTH? Of course, it might not be about me, but the timing of that is really weird. I asked her directly about it since it sounded as if she found a new job since she mentioned work in it in my last apology to her. So she might not be the most mature person there is. Anymore advice and insight would be appreciated!
Nanci
Hi Nanci:
You have already sent this woman two emails, apologizing. You did not get a response. That should tell you everything. IMHO, if you email her again, you will come across as very needy and desperate.
Hi Jacqueline,
You’re right about what you said, so I won’t contact her again until she contacts me. Hopefully she’ll eventually call me or email me back. It’s been a month since I last heard from her. I have a bad feeling about her. I’m starting to think that she no longer considers me to be her bff. Perhaps she downgraded me to a casual friend.
Does it seem as if she has no intention to speak to me again? What I did wasn’t so awful that it warrants her dumping me as a bff. I already apologized to her twice, so she should forgive me for what I said. It’s not as if I stole her b.f or anything like that! If she is going to hold a grudge against me for being honest with her, then I’m probably better off w/o having her as a friend. Real friends should be honest with each other and they should also be able to forgive each other. Especially over silly misunderstandings and disagreements.
I’m still very upset over this. Now I feel like I have to be extra careful of what I say to who! I don’t like having to walk on egg shells to avoid offending someone! If she does come around and will welcome me back into her life as a bff, I’ll always be afraid of offending her again to avoid the silent treatment.
How can I bring up things that bother me w/o offending sensitive friends? I have tried being tactful with her at times when she was pushy with me while trying to sell me her “miracle” vitamins that are so good, that they were able to get rid of a mole on her face. It was so ridiculous, but I said nothing bad to her at the time. I just told her no thanks, I’m not interested in buying any of them. I already have enough vitamins or something like that.
She still bugged the crap out of me all the time to buy them though, ugh! Can someone please tell me if you think that she’ll talk to me again or not? It doesn’t seem like she will, especially with Irene’s response to me. Hopefully she is just too busy and stressed out now to respond to me. If she dumps me over this, it’ll be like she tossed me aside like a piece of trash that never really meant anything to her. I truly value my friendships and I treat all of my friends well. I expect the same treatment in return.
Nanci
Nanci:
No one can predict the future, but according to the information you have given us, it does not look like there is a future for you and this woman. You yourself said you have to walk on eggshells around here and watch what you say.
Just be yourself and know that when someone really cares about you, they will accept you for who you are.
You may never know the reasons for this silent treatment, but at least you tried your best to salvage the relationship. Unfortunately, your feelings at this point and time, are not reciprocated.
Jacqueline, thanks again for your response. You’re right about what you said about just being yourself. Wow, so, one mistake and I’m out? That’s harsh! If she has decided that she won’t or can’t forgive me, then perhaps I’m better off w/o her in my life! Does anyone else think that she’s overreacting a bit? What if one of you were in her shoes, and I kindly apologized for what I did like I have?
Would you just accept my apology then and go back to being best friends? Or would you just write me off for good like she supposedly has? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, how long did it take until you and your friend were back on speaking terms? Was the friendship the same after that, or did things change after that?
I’ll give her one more month and then if I don’t hear back from her, then I’m just going to delete her from FB and delete her emails and phone number. I won’t say anything to her. I’ll just do it. It’s not to be mean. The way I see it, why keep her personal information when I won’t hear from her again?
I honestly think that she might’ve been jealous of me most of the time since I’m married, I don’t have to work, and I’m not as heavy as she is. I’m not thin, but I’d say that I’m probably at least 40lbs. less than her. Other people seem to think that I’m pretty too while she is plain. I’m not bragging as I don’t think of myself as being pretty. Anyways, she has always had to struggle in life and up until she got married last year, she had to live with her mom who she doesn’t really get along with that well.
Her relationships with guys were usually the main topic of conversation. She’d obsess over every guy that she was ever with. She has a teenage mentality when it came to guys. They were and still are her everything in life. Since she can now see that things between my husband and I are OK, perhaps she can no longer relate to me. Misery loves company they say. Every guy that she’s ever been with has been a loser who would end up trying to control her or treat her badly in some other way.
The current loser she’s with is unemployed and has lied to her about helping to pay a $400 phone bill. She even told me that his friends are losers and that he is being really cheap with her by refusing to move in with her now as he doesn’t want to help pay rent as he has friends that he can stay with for free. I highly doubt that he’ll end up marrying her. That is what she is extremely desperate for, to have a guy take care of her and to have a family.
I read an interesting article on line recently about how friends will avoid you when they’re jealous of you as it’s just a painful reminder of how their own lives don’t measure up. In the past, she’d claim that she was too busy to see me. Since her work schedule was so busy in the past, I wouldn’t hear from her for over a month or more.
Now I wonder if she was avoiding me back then. And the fact that she rarely answered the phone when I called 90% of the time in the past was very weird. Especially since we would talk on the phone more often when we first met.
Perhaps all she ever wanted was someone that she could hang out with when she needed to vent. She only has two other friends from h.s who she never introduced me to. She’d treat her other “bestie” in a strange way too by not telling her certain things such as her decision to move out of state at one point, but that never happened.
She just said oh, she’ll just end up crying and getting overly emotional. WTH? I told her that the truth come out sooner or later if that happened. To me, this came across as immature and thoughtless. Perhaps she never meant what she said when she called me “bestie” as real friends don’t act like this.
Good Morning, Nanci:
Everyone is different. Just because YOU are forgiving and caring to those around you, doesn’t mean everyone is like you. You have to understand this. YOU would forgive someone, doesn’t mean SHE will. You have said yourself it seemed she was using you, she never returned your phone calls, she only came around when YOU had problems. What about this says friendship. Stop obsessing over her behaviour, Nanci. Delete her from Facebook and move on.
Hi Jacqueline,
You’re right, not everyone will be as forgiving as me. Honestly though, in your humble opinion, if a best friend said something to you in a sort of harsh manner, but you knew that what was said was true, but then ended up apologizing for things like I did twice, would you give them a second chance or not?
Does it seem as if she’s overreacting a bit? Anyways, because of her current situation now, I won’t actually delete her personal information until another month from now tops. If I don’t hear from her by then, then I WILL delete all of her contact info!
She really did seem genuinely sweet and caring at first, but after awhile, she started to not be as good of a friend. I don’t think that she intended to use me. It just seems as if she took me for granted a few times. I have not contacted her back, so I took everyone’s advice including yours.
Even if she ends up forgiving me, I’m sure that our friendship might not be the same afterwards since some of the trust might be gone. I was honest with her, but I should’ve stated my thoughts in a nicer way of course! I’ll never make that mistake again if I’m given another chance.
One thing that makes me think that she might forgive me is because she FORGAVE her soon to be ex husband after he cheated on her TWICE with TWO women! And now they’re best friends! WTH? Of course, the situation is different, especially since they’re living together, but if she could forgive him after what he did, why not forgive me for what I did which is minor in comparison?
I WILL delete all of her contact info by the end up next month if she doesn’t respond to me by then!
Nanci,
You cannot compare yourself to her husband. At the end of the night, she closes the door with HIM, not YOU.
We all react differently in different situations. Sometimes a minor thing can end a relationship. Again, you do not know what is really going on in her life.
Time is the best healer.
Hi Jacqueline, you’re right about what you said. Since it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever hear back from her, I decided to delete her from FB today. It seems as if she is playing games with me as she went out with her other best friend the other day, so apparently, she is OK enough with what’s going on in her life to make time for friends now.
It doesn’t seem as if she will ever forgive me which is too bad, since I didn’t even really do anything that bad! How silly of her! I apologized to her twice, and if that’s not good enough, then to hell with her.
I could really use some goo advice on what to do in the future with other friends when they try to get me to do something like buy a product that I don’t want and won’t take no for an answer? What if they end up becoming relentless like her? How can I say no and stop them from being pushy w/o offending them or making them mad?
I’m a fairly direct person, so sometimes I can be a bit blunt. As for any disagreements that might come up with other friends in the future, I’ll address them at the time they happen, and not months later. How can I be direct once again w/o offending or pissing off someone that I haven’t known that long?
Also, how can I tell when someone is a real friend and not just there for when they need to yap endlessly about their b.f or husband drama or to just have someone to hang out with when no one else is around?
I can tell when it’s obvious, but how do you tell when it’s not so obvious? Are there certain red flags to look out for? It’s O.K to do so sometimes, but all the time is ridiculous! There is more to life than talking about guys all the time like she did most of the time!
I’d really appreciate anymore insight and advice regarding some or all of my questions! Thanks again!
I am so proud of you for deleting her from FB, Nanci! Life is trial and error! The only advice I can offer you is when someone is relentless in trying to force you to buy something you do not want, just say that you do not want to mix business with pleasure. And if the person doesn’t like it, then too bad!
As I mentioned before, any relationship takes T I M E, as in
Y E A R S. A real friend will be around when you are having bad times. It is easy during the bad times. Again, just be yourself, but be wary about trying to be BFFs so fast. You need a foundation to build on.
Perhaps you come across as too needy, Nanci?? You apologized twice. Once would have been enough, and then maybe a follow-up email a couple of months later telling her you value her friendship/miss her?
I wish I had a magic wand with all the solutions, Nanci. Then, none of us would be on this site…lol..
Oops…I meant that it is easy to have friends during good times…not bad…(blushing)
Nanci- I heard this saying one time and it gave me alot of clarity regarding people who will take no for an answer..
“If someone will not take no for an answer they are trying to control you.”
That makes alot of sense to me because, I can take no very easy. So recognizing people that can not are controling now seems obvious.
Nanci,
I had left two phone messages and sent a beautiful email to her over a period of 6 months. No response.
Then after reading Irene’s book, BFF’s Forever, I decided to send her a handwritten note. Two weeks after I did, she called! But I had already made up my mind that this would be the last time I would contact her. We have been friends for almost 40 years, and have been through a lot of stuff together. So, we did have a foundation of many years.
This woman has taken enough space in your head. She is not worth it. You just have to accept the facts/the truth and move on. It is not healthy for you to continually dwell on her.
Hi Jaqueline, wow, that’s a long time to go w/o talking to someone that you’ve known for almost 40 years! You put in even more effort into salvaging your friendship than I did! You’re right, it’s time to let go. Everyone else has told me the same thing, so I will.
Anyways, we do live in the same town within minutes of each other. We like going to the same theatres and restaurants. She has grown up here and both her parents also live here, so the chances of bumping into her eventually are very high. If I happen to see her in public again, how should I react? Should I say anything or just try my best to ignore her and act as if I don’t know her? What if she decides to talk to me, then what?
Hi Amy, thank for all your good advice. As for describing my issue as having a first fight with my best friend as being h.s in nature, well, how else was I supposed to describe it? Disagreement, blow up? Just saying. You’re right, I can’t get all of my needs met by one person. She wasn’t my only friend. I have two other good friends that are older and more mature. I’ll be sure to not make the same mistakes with them.
I really agree with your last two statements. So I still haven’t heard back from her after almost a month even after I sent her a second apology in an email. It was very nice and not the least defensive at all. I didn’t say anything that would upset her in it about her that is. I was very sincere and I told her that I value her friendship and that I didn’t mean to be so harsh and I asked her if she could forgive me. I also then asked her if we can just put this all behind us and just chalk it up to a misunderstanding.
A good friend of mine said to just call or email her and tell her how much I miss her and to ask her how she’s doing. She told me to keep things short and sweet and to not mention anything that would stress her out more. I’ll take her advice. If she continues to ignore me after that, then I’ll just give up for good as it’ll then be clear that she no longer wants to be friends.
Regarding therapy, we have no insurance now and money is usually tight. Although we recently got back from Asia, I haven’t been out of the U.S for six years due to finances! I have been proactive by joining a free support group though and I normally don’t act this insecure.
About my trip, of course I’d want to talk about this trip. As I mentioned to the person before you, a true friend should always be happy for their friends instead of being jealous of them. She really did seem genuinely happy for me when I told her about my upcoming trip. I didn’t brag about it when I got back either. I mostly listened to her problems 90% of the time as usual! Her good qualities still outweigh her bad ones, so I’d still like to be her friend.
If she continues to ignore me after I make ONE LAST attempt to reach out to her, forget it, I’m done. If she’s going to hold a grudge over something this silly, then she’s not real friend material IMHO. I already asked for her forgiveness, and I shouldn’t have to beg for it.
Nanci
Hi Brownwyn, thanks for your response! I was starting to feel like this was all my fault! As for her being jealous, you could be right about that. She knew about my trip and seemed genuinely happy for me, so naturally I’d think that she’d want to hear about it! Aren’t real friends supposed to be happy for you? I didn’t brag about it endlessly of course! I mostly listened to her problems 90% of the time the last time we were together. If the situation was reversed, I would not be jealous of any friend. I would be happy for them! Jealousy is an immature and stupid emotion!
As for letting things build up, yes, that was a huge mistake! I won’t make that mistake again with anyone again, ever! When there is a problem, I’ll address it in person right away from now on! You’re right in saying that no one friend can meet all of one’s needs. I do have two other good friends that are older and more mature. I’ll be sure to not make the same mistake with them as making friends has never been easy for me! Especially since I’m shy!
Anyways, what did you mean exactly by saying that even if I addressed this friend in person, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference anyways? Does it really seem as if there is no hope of salvaging this friendship? Her good qualities do outweigh her bad ones, so I still want to be her friend! Does it seem as if she might eventually come around? A good friend of mine told me to contact her in a few weeks and to not say anything to stress her out. She told me to keep is short and sweet by saying, hi, I missed you, how have you been lately?
Is this friendship over with, or can it still be saved? I’d really appreciate more insight and advice! Thanks!
Nanci
Hi Irene, thanks for responding to my question! I just sent a reply, but it was deleted! Anyways, you’re right about what you said. I have already apologized to her twice. The second apology was really sincere and not defensive in any way. It’s been almost a month since I heard back from her. I hope that you’re wrong about this friendship being on life support. It’s unbelievable that a friend would want to end a friendship based on one minor thing.
I was harsh, but I wasn’t that harsh in my first email to her on FB. A good friend of mine told me to call her or email her one last time, but to keep things short and sweet by saying, hi, how are you doing? I miss you and I’d love to hear from you again. She told me to not mention anything stressful and I’ll take her advice.
Hopefully my friend will end up forgiving me. If she doesn’t, then I guess we weren’t meant to be friends as friends should forgive each other, especially over silly things like this. In the future, I will address all problems immediately instead of letting them fester. For the record, I didn’t bother her about the gift issue or the fact that she only sent me a text on my B-day. I decided to let those two issues go.
Thanks for your reply once again.
Nanci
Dear Irene, thank you for replying to my post! It was really insightful. I truly hope that you are wrong about this friendship being on life support. I have already sent two emails to this friend apologizing for the bad timing and I then went on to tell her how much I value her friendship and that I didn’t mean to be so harsh and that I should’ve spoken up sooner.
My last reply to her was over two weeks ago and it was the nicest apology that I could write. I wasn’t the least bit defensive in it and nothing negative about her was mentioned in it. A good friend of mine told me to wait a little while longer and then to send her a short and sweet email or call asking her how she’s doing and that I miss her, and to not say anything that might stress her out. I plan on doing that, but if she doesn’t respond to me after that, then I guess the friendship really is over with!
Nanci
Excuse me, but this woman has more than been willing to assume some of the responsibility for behaviors on her part, yet no one seems to be holding the “friend” accountable.
I agree with a lot of what Amy says about friendships building slowly and that at 40, a year is the blink of an eye.
The other person in this equation sounds extremely self absorbed and while Nanci can’t change that, I think some acknowledgement of it may help her move on.
I don’t know how much weight I’d put on the comments of someone who doesn’t seem to have her own personal situation under control, but one of the major factors that stood out to me was that perhaps Nanci was dealing with a lot of jealousy. And if this friend is unemployed, etc., hearing about a trip to Asia could have been difficult, perhaps even seemed a tad insensitive. That said, people do expect reciprocity in friendships. If the friend hadn’t frequently used Nanci to vent, that would be one thing, but she did. There is supposed to be give and take.
Again, I’m in agreement with Amy about not getting all your needs met in one person — not even with a spouse. The thing is, some of us form other friendships more easily, so Nanci may have a limited pool. If so, I encourage you to attempt to expand it.
I think it’s a bad idea to communicate anything of importance in a friendship on Facebook, for all the reasons stated, but I don’t necessarily agree that it’s always a bad idea to do it in writing — although you do miss the physical cues. And waiting until all kinds of things build up, then releasing them, (used to be referred to as “gunnysacking”) is seldom productive. On the other hand, if Nancy had addressed these issues when they arose, I doubt it would have made much difference.
If you decide to go into therapy, it should be because you’re doing it for YOU, not the result of some snide remark of a woman who appears to be relationship-challenged herself.
And I absolutely would not use my friend status on Facebook as a determinant of whether a friendship is still active.
If you want to make one more attempt to apologize — although I really don’t think this is all on you — I can’t see where it would hurt, but I think you need to make decision about this situation independent of what this woman does. Decide if you really want this person in your life. Does she really have anything to offer you?
I think this is a good, balanced response to what has been presented here.
Jacqueline has a good point, the friendship has no foundation. A yearlong relationship, to a 40 year old is a blink of an eye. I’m always concerned when I hear adults use terms like “first fight” because those aren’t concepts I generally associate with a healthy adult friendship. That sounds more like high school to me. Of course, healthy relationships often have some conflict or disagreement if they both people freely express their thoughts and opinions, but I see that much differently than “fight”. It’s great that you see your role in the conflict, and that you aren’t simply blaming her, because that means you learn to do better in future friendships.
I would not consider being on someone’s FB friend list to mean that person is a friend, since most people consider unfriending someone to be a deliberate slight.
Here are my suggestions for having more successful friendships.
~Start slowly. You may be initially drawn to a person based on a common interest or problem, but long lasting relationships are built on a myriad of commonalities and values.
~Communicate when things bother you, although you should also let some minor things go when you can to avoid nitpicking.
~Communicate face to face when conflicts arise, because you can’t interpret body language, facial expression or tone of voice and it’s easy to misread one-dimmensional communication.
~Try to avoid judging friends and their problems or comparing them to yours.
~Try not to judge your friend if she has different style of communicating in the digital age as you do (multi tasking vs. undivided attention). This doesn’t mean she considers you less important if she’s doing more than one thing at the same time. Still, you have every right to set boundaries about what you want to tolerate in phone calls, but don’t expect her to change to accommodate your preferences.
~Most people don’t consider an apology with a “but” to be a true apology. If you’re truly sorry, avoiding the qualification will go a lot further. You can address your own concerns at a different time that doesn’t detract from your remorse.
~When people set boundaries, as she did saying she doesn’t want to hear about your marital problems, if you hold those limitations against the person, you’re bound to feel resentment.
~You can’t get all of your friendship needs from just one person. That does feel overwhelming and smothering, and it does push people away.
I do agree with your friend about seeing a therapist for your insecurities, so that they don’t continue to affect friendships going forward. Also, group therapy (facilitated by a therapist, not self help) is another way of addressing communication in relationships in a supportive, nurturing environment. Neither is easy, but both can be extremely effective. I always say therapy is a gift you give yourself.
This friendship does not have a foundation. It is only a year old. Irene’s answer is right on. You waited till everything built up and then sent your friend a nasty email. Her life is in turmoil right now. Let the dust settle, so to speak. Give it some time. When you are not so emotional, and you still feel like sending another apology to her, you can do so, but do not expect a response. She may have just forgotten to delete you on Facebook, so you cannot use this as a lifeline to a friendship that has deteriorated.