Best Friends: Can there be second chances?

A sense of trust is one of the requisites of a healthy friendship.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I was best friends with this girl for
about three years. We did everything together, we hung out at school, went out
together after school, and then IM-ed each other every day for hours. She was
one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Then, a few months ago, she started being distant and mean. I tried to talk to
her about it, or to let her know that I didn’t like certain things she was
doing, but she just denied everything and didn’t want to talk. It seemed like
she went out of her way to let me know that she didn’t care about me anymore
without saying anything outright. Over the summer, I saw that she had replaced
me with another best friend, and I gave her a wide berth and assumed the
friendship was over.

Now, when we came back to school she acts like the last few months never
happened, and when I asked why she didn’t contact me all summer, she said she
messaged me on Facebook and texted me a bunch of times, but when I didn’t
reply, she assumed I was mad at her. The thing is, I didn’t get any of these
messages or texts, and I feel like she’s lying. She wants to be friends again,
but I can’t just forget all the hurt and pain she caused me in the past, and
I’m not sure if I believe her story. I am really confused by her behavior, and
I want to move on. What should I
do?

Pilar

ANSWER

Hi Pilar,

You had to feel very hurt when your
friend suddenly ditched you, without any reason or explanation, for another
best friend. You handled the situation with tact and grace — trying to talk to
her about it and giving her space. Given her erratic behavior coupled with her
unwillingness to admit or speak about what happened afterwards, it sounds like
you are ready to move on and I don’t blame you.

One of the requisites of a healthy friendship is being able
to feel safe with a friend: Knowing that you can be yourself without putting on
airs. Knowing you can tell her something without it going further. Knowing your
friend will be there for you, that she’ll have your back if you need her.
Knowing that you can believe the words she is saying to you. Once that trust is
broken, the friendship has changed and it can be very hard going back to the
relationship you once had.

Seems to me that you have two choices: You can remain
ex-friends or you can resurrect a more distant relationship. Because of what has
happened, you will need to be more guarded, more skeptical of the things she
says, and more protective of yourself. Depending on how she acts in the future,
you may be able to overcome this wedge but it’s always best to proceed with
caution because the chances are good that it could happen again. The best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Hope this helps.

My best,

Irene

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that
touch upon the issue of trust between friends:

• The Friend Trend: Whom do you trust?
• Am I right to feel abused and violated
  by my friend? 
• Twenty questions for spotting a toxic friendship 
  

Tags: best friend, breech of trust, friend, friendship, friendship advice, friendship expert, honesty, second chances, trust

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