Best Friends: Can there be second chances?

Published: September 23, 2011 | Last Updated: September 23, 2011 By | 3 Replies Continue Reading

A sense of trust is one of the requisites of a healthy friendship.



Hi Irene,

I was best friends with this girl for
about three years. We did everything together, we hung out at school, went out
together after school, and then IM-ed each other every day for hours. She was
one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Then, a few months ago, she started being distant and mean. I tried to talk to
her about it, or to let her know that I didn’t like certain things she was
doing, but she just denied everything and didn’t want to talk. It seemed like
she went out of her way to let me know that she didn’t care about me anymore
without saying anything outright. Over the summer, I saw that she had replaced
me with another best friend, and I gave her a wide berth and assumed the
friendship was over.

Now, when we came back to school she acts like the last few months never
happened, and when I asked why she didn’t contact me all summer, she said she
messaged me on Facebook and texted me a bunch of times, but when I didn’t
reply, she assumed I was mad at her. The thing is, I didn’t get any of these
messages or texts, and I feel like she’s lying. She wants to be friends again,
but I can’t just forget all the hurt and pain she caused me in the past, and
I’m not sure if I believe her story. I am really confused by her behavior, and
I want to move on. What should I




Hi Pilar,

You had to feel very hurt when your
friend suddenly ditched you, without any reason or explanation, for another
best friend. You handled the situation with tact and grace — trying to talk to
her about it and giving her space. Given her erratic behavior coupled with her
unwillingness to admit or speak about what happened afterwards, it sounds like
you are ready to move on and I don’t blame you.


One of the requisites of a healthy friendship is being able
to feel safe with a friend: Knowing that you can be yourself without putting on
airs. Knowing you can tell her something without it going further. Knowing your
friend will be there for you, that she’ll have your back if you need her.
Knowing that you can believe the words she is saying to you. Once that trust is
broken, the friendship has changed and it can be very hard going back to the
relationship you once had.


Seems to me that you have two choices: You can remain
ex-friends or you can resurrect a more distant relationship. Because of what has
happened, you will need to be more guarded, more skeptical of the things she
says, and more protective of yourself. Depending on how she acts in the future,
you may be able to overcome this wedge but it’s always best to proceed with
caution because the chances are good that it could happen again. The best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Hope this helps.

My best,



Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that
touch upon the issue of trust between friends:


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Comments (3)

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  1. Heather says:

    It has been 6 months. I have apolog ized twice. I really miss my friend. I don’t want to ruin her peace & cause drama if she has moved on. We had as disagreement that I criticized her in front of others 4/23. I sent a text 4/28 which she respond with have a good life but she wont be part of it. Criticism is tocic to her. I sent an emsil about a job since wr had both lost ours 6/5. I last sent an email 9/7 apology. I realize now I gave alot of excuses and reasoning with my email apology. I realize we did fight a lot
    about a Boot Camp we were teaching together. I believe we were both going
    through a rough time wit h job losses during that time. My point is two mo ago she opened as business I was suppose to be part of. Do I send cingrats cardv go down there or ensil after if I can join. It is a gym. Everyone is there but me. I do see many things better now outside of the friendship. Guess if she missed me or w as nted ne there she woukd say? No one in the group will tell me if it is a good tine to approach. I did talk to some mutual friends about it when it first hsppen and I realize thst was wrong. I judt woke and realized how I miss her and am so sorry v I hurt her so bad. Should I send congrats card. I knoe I can workouy others places snd I have tried. Cant imagine she doesn’t miss friendship at all. I’m working on new friends but that gtoup was my support system.

    said was have a good life but she wouldnt be part of mine. I criticized her and it is toxic to her.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hi Irene

    It’s great to see a sight offering advice on the confusing world of friendships. I am going to direct my members from my socialsing site to here for some useful information



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