• Few or No Friends

No Friends: And before you ask…I am on meds

Published: June 25, 2015 | By | 19 Replies Continue Reading
A guy on meds who feels alone.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I don’t have a friend or anyone at all in my life. I am alone all the time. Some ways I hide it. I can’t find a girlfriend and tried online.

I have been somewhat of a loner my entire life, with a few friends here and there. I am 45 and scared of being alone but comfortable this way at the same time.

My job frowns on making friends. I am so alone and depressed and before you ask I am on meds. Help Me.

Signed, Jake

ANSWER

Hi Jake,

Depression can deplete someone’s energy, making it difficult for them to socialize with others as well as making it tough for others to be around them. Think about it: It can be depressing to be with someone who is chronically depressed.

Although you are on medication, it may not be the right drug or the right dose. Have you given feedback to the person who prescribed the medication? Have you and your doctor considered any type of psychotherapy? If whatever treatment regimen you are on isn’t working, you need to let the physician know and talk about alternatives.

Since your workplace isn’t conducive to socializing, I would recommend that you seek out other venues for meeting people outside your job. Online dating sites are successful for some people but not everyone. Have you explored the Meetup.com groups in your area?

Are there hobbies or interests that bring you pleasure? If you have the energy to engage in activities that make you happy outside your home, you are more likely to find someone who shares your interests.

In summary, I guess making one or two incremental changes would be a good start.

Hope this is helpful.

My best, Irene

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Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS

Comments (19)

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  1. Kristina says:

    I feel that way and I’m younger. Sometimes people who won’t let you be friends with them are bullies and secure with that fact.life isn’t fair. Personally I feel ripped off. I’m looking for sober kind nice intelligent friends. I’m just not close with the people I know who are that. I hope we can all be in a worldwide friendship circle rather than a competition.

  2. Marguerite says:

    Hi! I moved across county to be with some family. It has not worked out as expected and I feel more alone than ever at age 59 with my few friends back where I lived and not seeing my family here in Florida. I was never good at making friends and now am living in a very, very small town with little to no opportunities for volunteering. I’ve slowly (but surely!) fallen into a deep depression. Yes! I suffer from a plethora a physical ailments and also Bilpolar I. Lack of support is a serious issue. The fact I googled ‘How to make friend’ means I’m grasping at straws. I hope the fact he is not alone helps Jake. However, it’s never truly helped me. What helped me was CBT back at home. I can long find that 185 miles (round trip) from here. I watched ‘The Wrestler’ last weekend and realized-sadly, like the protagonist in the film, no one in my family would shed a tear with my passing. Perhaps a sigh of relief? Which makes me sad.

  3. Lorraine Vale says:

    Hi. I have just turned 54. 8 years ago I was working 9-5 in a great job and then health issues struck me. My whole world was turned upside down. I can not get out that easy now. Disabled. No family and 3 friends left. I am on morphien and other pain medication. I feel so isolated and suffer with depression. I do ask myself what is life all about. If I am having a good day I get out of the house. I struggle with things in the house as well but I am a fighter I cope with that. I just can’t handle the isolation and loneliness. I can go 2 weeks without going out, seeing someone let alone have a decent conversation. I don’t know what to do anymore. I was brought up in care. Hence no family and divorced. Any ideas would be well accepted.

    • Kathleen says:

      I really wish I had answers but I am in the same predicament. I am 55 and was diagnosed with several severe health problems 2yrs ago. I had a very good job I loved with good friends. No spouse or children but super close to my parents who have now passed. Friends have dropped off as my ability to socialize has become less and less. You can only not go so many times before the invitations stop. I am more lonely everyday and my drs have said I will get no better and the pain will only increase. So I don’t know how to ever meet people who want to be my friend. I would just love someone to talk with. I do. Believe this is wishful thinking on my part. There needs to be a group for the physically disabled be able to text, talk on the phone or meet when able. We suffer enough and still deserve good conversation in our lives. I hope for this blessing of a friend in everyone’s life.

  4. N.f says:

    Hi Jake,

    Like you, I don’t have any friends at all. I relate easily to ‘scared of being alone but comfortable this way at the same time’. I’m a mid-30s male, so probably 10 years from now, I will be feeling something very close to what you are feeling now.

    Other than seeing a psychiatrist, would you like to consider seeing a psychologist as well? A psychiatrist is just there to mainly prescribe medication, not exactly to help you sort out your feelings.

    I had been on medication for the past year and my personal observation is that while the medication helps me to sort of calm down, feel slightly more clear-headed, it is actually more like ‘numbing’ or ‘supressing’ the emotions than getting to the root of what’s actually there.

    Wishing you all the best.

  5. Philip says:

    Hi Jake, I possibly am going to be the least helpful and maybe i should not say this. Everyones journey is different. What i mean is; I can’t walk a mile in your shoes just as you can’t walk a mile in mine. I am now 55 and married and I have a 13 year old daughter. Yet in some ways i have never felt so alone. I always was a loner and have never fitted in. Not one for joining things. In many ways i am content in my own company, which sounds contradictory. I never thought i would marry let alone have a child. I think i just want to point out that it is easy to make wrong choices when you feel so alone. My wife to be moved into the flat next to mine abouf 15 years or so back. For 6 months i resisted her as she was just out of a failed marriage and i found her to be exceedingly nosey and intrusive. At thd time i was going pretty well with myself and actually had some friends.
    Long story short. We married. I since found out she has Aspergergers Syndrome, all my friends are gone, i am reduced to less than i was before and am now battling prescription medication addiction. So that left out an awful lot, but i just wanted you to know that i can relate to somd of what you say and hope you dont make the same mistakes i have. There are compensations though. I love my daughter dearly. Cheers, Philip.

  6. Cathy says:

    I can totally identify what you’re going thru. It suxs to be lonely, but don’t give up and hang in there!!

  7. Elizabeth says:

    Jake:

    I wholeheartedly echo the comments by those that have suggested that you try to get out and be physically active. The endorphins alone will pick up your spirits. It is a biochemical function of endorphins to do so, and they are produced when one is physically active.

    Also, with regard to checking with your provider to see if your medication you are currently on is the correct dose, I am taking Wellbutrin. My dosage turned out to be the lowest I could have been on with Wellbutrin, but 150 mgs sounded to me like it was a lot. It turned out to be the lowest. When my provider upped me to 300 mgs, it made a world of difference for me.

    Jake, it sucks to feel like you are alone in this world. Human beings are, by our very nature, pack animals. Most often, we need to have company, and having to get by on your very own is an awful thing to experience.

    While the whole “making friends” concept takes a bit more time, you can immediately help yourself out by getting some exercise for yourself. Whether it’s getting off work and going for a walk or swim, or perhaps buying yourself a bicycle and finding a local bike path to ride on, just do something! I promise it will lift your spirits.

    Best,

    Elizabeth

  8. Laura says:

    Dear Jake,

    There is a great blog on the NY Times of a gentleman that struggles with schizophrenia on how he copes with forming friendships and dating despite his illness. I hope it provides the perspective that a rich, full life is possible despite mental illness. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/author/michael-hedrick/ Maybe starting with an online support group of like-sufferers will help you gain the confidence to form friendships that can extend to real life/face-to-face relationships might be possible. The National Alliance on Mental Illness has an online discussion group that might be a good resource: https://www.nami.org/Logon?ReturnUrl=%2fFind-Support%2fDiscussion-Groups. They even have classes on how to cope with mental illness: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Peer-to-Peer. There are resources available is my main point. Unless we access them, we can’t really lose hope because we might find that one thing that can help us to find a diverse set of supportive friendships that can help us to get through our struggles. I wish you the best.

  9. Laura says:

    Along with the other great suggestions, exercise can help with depression. Just getting out and taking a walk on a sunny day might boost your spirits. If you walk in an area with other people, like a park or path around a lake, you may even meet people to talk with while you walk.

  10. randy says:

    Hallo Jake,

    I was 19 years old, but there is no limit to be friends, right? I hope you get better soon. you should be able to think positive. always pray to get happiness. life is precious. God is fair, so take it easy. put our faith in God that any suffering would be no happiness. feel like you’re going to have a test. the harder it is our exams, the higher must we to learn and trying to. a thrilling is now awaiting the results. and for that, other people won’t feel what you feel. this is how great it ourselves. feel when you pass the test, your journey was worth it.

    Randy

  11. Mary says:

    Sometimes, not always, its the people who have given @ given and volunteered the most in life are the ones that cop a very raw deal. Thats the simple truth. Some people may reach the age of fifty or even 60+ before they realise , or start to think of themselves, for in this world we have the givers and the takers. Sometime it really is their turn t expect some caring and love back too.

    Givers are born with that DNA. They are usually the nicest folk asking little for themselves and putting others needs before their own, because they ave never known any different.

    Volunteer work certainty has its advantages for everyone agreed.
    On the other-hand in my opinion ought not be used as an excuse not to support a lonely person.

    Some folk that are lonely, incredible lonely wouldnt be so, if even half the people in this world returned the same love and unselfish kindness they received from that very same person- be that a son a daughter or an old friend.

    There is an old saying- nobody wants to know you when chips are down which sadly hasn’t proven true too may times.

    I certainly wouldnt recommend medication as a first resort to anybody .

  12. Amy F says:

    I’m glad you’re on meds. I hope you’re on the right ones for your depression. Meds work best when accompanied by therapy until issues are under control, particularly when meds alone aren’t doing their job. Do you have a good therapist who is helping you with your issues? One of the cruelest part of depression is that a symptom is isolation, and being depressed often makes people gravitate from the person who could use the companionship the most. While making friends may never feel easy for you, it will feel less impossible once your depression is better managed.

    Being a loner and having friends aren’t mutually exclusive. Most everyone needs some social connections to enhance life and help people feel a part of the universe. Sometimes group therapy, in your case a group for depressed people run by a therapist, is helpful in both meeting people going through similar concerns, and enhancing social skills within the safe confines of a therapeutic environment facilitated by a counselor trained in facilitating people to enhance their interpersonal dynamics.

    Volunteering is a good avenue for meeting people, including people who appreciate you for giving of your time. I’ve met some great people over the years at different volunteer opportunities, a few I’ve known for decades.

    Good luck figuring things out.

    • Lisa says:

      Hi Jake,
      Read your post and really identified with it. I like Philip am married but with 3 children but married the wrong person and have never felt lonelier. It has changed my personality so much that i feel that I can’t connect with other people anymore. I like you am comfortable with my own company but am lonely at the same time. It really does take an effort to break that habit of doing your own thing alone, but it’s worth it…follow your hobbies and interests and you’ll find likeminded people where you can build that slow trust up.
      Will be thinking of you.

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