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Is there anything wrong with dating my friend’s ex?

Published: September 26, 2013 | By | 63 Replies Continue Reading
Dating a friend’s ex is always tricky and is probably best to avoid.


Dear Friendship Doctor,

I have a best friend who is like a sister. Well she stopped talking to me after I tried to be honest with her about wanting to go out with her ex.

I only accepted his invite because she hated him and wanted him out of her life and didn’t want anything to do with him. So I thought it would be all right to go for it. But I asked her and let her know because I wanted to be honest and didn’t want to go behind her back.

All my other friends say I did a good thing in telling her before I did anything and that she just taken it too far. She always gives me a look when she sees me. I feel like I was the bad person in this problem and she was the good person.

I don’t want to lose my friendship with her cause she was my like a sister but what should I do because I’m already with the guy. Am I the bad person for doing what I did even though I was honest? What should I do?

Signed, Ellie


Dear Ellie,

Being honest about wanting to date your friend’s ex was better than going behind her back but you haven’t mentioned whether or not she gave you the go ahead once you told her. If you didn’t want to jeopardize the friendship, you should have asked rather than told her—and respected her wishes.

Even if she did give you the go ahead, she still may have felt hurt because her emotions were still raw after the breakup. If she truly wants her ex out of her life, she can’t very well do that if he is dating her close friend.

It seems like you chose a relationship with him over her, and there isn’t any going back. The ball is in her court in terms of whether she wants to remain friends with you. I wouldn’t characterize you as a bad person but you will have to live with the consequences of the decision you made.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Some prior blog posts on The Friendship Blog about  friendship and honesty:

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Comments (63)

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  1. Connie Miligan says:

    So am have went out with my best friends ex,only for a day..I am still out with him tho but i have not asked for her wishes.We have been best friends for ages..but she dumped him cause she hated him,so would that be okay if i went out with him…I honestly dont know what to do…but I really like him,after 2 days when my best friend dumped him she had already found someone knew.please reply and give me some advice

  2. Need some advice says:

    My best friend and I have been close for three almost 4 years now and we have had our ups and downs. Well she meant this guy and I went with her to his house cause she didn’t wanna go alone. But she meant this guy and when we first made eye contact I felt something. Like a spark werid I know. But they went in his room and you know. Well the next day I got a friend request from him and we started taking almost a month now. And they were “dating” for 2 weeks and broke up. And I feel like he likes me cause he always wants me to come hang out and stuff (his cousin a girl lives with him and I’m friends with her) and I just get this feeling that he likes me. And my friend even told me she has a guy feeling that he likes me from the day we meant him but I feel bad because she is my best friend and I’m liking her ex…. I don’t know what to think about this whole thing…

  3. Seirra says:

    I am dating my best friend’s ex, she said that she did not care, and she even asked him out for me. Last night at the pumpkin show in Versailles, we went into an ally, and we kissed, It was my FIRST kiss. Was that wrong of me to do?

    • anonymous says:

      of course not! if she didn’t mind, and you could tell, there’s definitely nothing wrong.

      hope this helped!

  4. isabelle says:

    what to do if you are just talking to your friends ex?
    She is mad at me but i dont see the reason?! WERE ONLY TALKING AS FRIENDS and she thinks thats bad… reply if it is bc i dont wanna loose her!??❤️

    • layla says:

      Okay I like this boy in my class but I have a friend who use to date him and I don’t want to hurt my friend feelings by dating him it will be wrong

    • Seirra says:

      Ask her why she is mad at you for talking to him. Once she tells you, decide weather or not you want to keep on talking to the ex or not.

    • Connie says:

      Just explain to her that you would never go between her and he boyfriend..

  5. jazlyn says:

    If this guy is getting in between you and your bestie he’s not worth it trust me. But if you feel like you really like him and Connor get over him go for it but be completely honest with her she has the right to be upset and hopefully she gets over it if he still likes him then that’s a different story do not go for him. If you really don’t want to loose your best friend

  6. jennifer says:

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    Thanks prophetkalito you are really God sent

  7. Anon says:

    My best friend moved away to a different town. And I happen to be good friends with her ex she knows we are good friends and knows only that. She claims she has no cares and often tells me she doesn’t even want to be around him but puts up with him cause she knows he is my friend. She claims he was “talking” to one of her friends and blocked him on everything. I told her that he was terrible and now I can’t tell her I han out with him but we have grown close. We Hun out with friends an I could tell he was very flirty we hung out again and he ended up staying the night with me and we kissed ALOT he tried getting with me but I’m on my period so I had to tell him no. I’m trying to tell myself I can’t do this but I can’t help it something about him just idk. She really hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him even more by telling him we can’t talk. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE HELP!

  8. Alexa says:

    IM SOO CONFUSED. Two of my friends were dating this really nice guy. They never talked to hi, though and just talked over ig. Now he asked me out and idk what to say. I reeeaaalllyyy don’t want to hurt my friend but he is really cool and I’ve had a crush on hi. For a while. I was so happy so I told one of my friends that didn’t date him and she said to say no. I know she’s trying to help me but I feel like it’s just making it worse. I really like him and he likes me but my friend just got dumped by him. Please help irdk don’t know what to do ????

    • Angela says:

      Do you noe what smetymes we women are blinded by love…what we do not noe is dat guyz use us how cn you date a guy who dated 2 of ur frands what will change him by liking u alone dat cnt be either u will be also 2 or evn more on dat guy…Open your eyes gal look 4 ur own man dnt be desparate….we gals gve guyz to much pride…..dont let dis dude use owk………stand up 4 urself dnt let ur flins control u owk

  9. Kimberly says:

    I beg please do not date the same boy as your bestfriend used to date.. I did that n my ex bestfriend and i didn’t talk for 2 year now

  10. Nicole says:

    So I’ve been having this crush on this guy for the past few year and he started dating her and he’s been trying to mess with me on the low and we were flirting with each other and we kissed and stuff and I kinda feel guilty but idk

    • Nicole says:

      I messed that up I’m talking about my best friend ex

      • some random person says:

        Look, I’m not gonna sugar coat this. You should end things asap. I know that’s probably not what you wanna hear, but it’s what you need to hear. Doing something like that will hurt a friendship. If I’m too late I’m sorry and just know that you should do everything in your power to win your friend’s trust back. If it hasn’t happened then end things with him and confess to your friend that her boyfriend cheated on her with you. Tell her that you know she probably won’t trust you and won’t want to be friends with you anymore, but you would rather have it come from you than any other person. Tell her that you love her and that it was a stupid mistake. Hope this helps. Sorry for the bad situation.
        xoxo, some random person

  11. mariah says:

    I just think it’s wrong to date your friends ex point blank and period!A true friend would never even think about doing something like that.We have all these single and available men in the world and a friend choses another friends ex.Its desperate and disgusting and selfish as hell.If you ask me it’s a bunch of jealousy as well.And then they want to play the victim “Oh we are just cool,Y’all won’t together anymore,It just happen.There is no excuse and it’s a horrible feeling to the women.Not only does she have to deal with the break up,she also has to deal with her hoe friend being with her ex.So call friends trying to date your friend’s ex quit being so thirsty and disrespectful and know that what goes around comes around?☕

    • Unknown says:

      I completely disagree . First of all if you’re dating your friends Ex. Should completely be OK because she isn’t with him and you’re allowed to do whatever the heck you want. Not disrespectful it’s completely Ok. Is it OK is whenever your friend gets mad because she isn’t with him you can do whatever you want

      • Announce says:

        I agree, if your girl say nothing there they just friends. what the problem.

      • Gabby says:

        So I have a friend that dated this guy and they broke up but she still likes him 15% according to her. But the thing is that I like him too and he likes me and we started dating 3 days ago on the 20th and I don’t know how to tell her ik trying to get her with a guys she likes so she can forget about him and I can tell her but idk if I can keep it any longer. I have 3 bestfriends and only 1 I can trust to keep this secret maybe idk but this could ruin our friend ship what to do????helppp????

      • Elsa says:

        It is disrespectful! I’m sure if a friend dated and shagged your ex you would feel some type of way, weather or not you was together 5 days, weeks or years before.
        Respect and loyalty is something a lot of this generation as lost.
        I can’t wait til morals and values come back into fashion.

    • Just a girl says:

      Just because you start liking your friends ex doesn’t make you a hoe or thirsty! Life is a crazy thing and love is so unpredictable. We fall in love with people we know are simliar to us, science has proved that we can’t help who we fall in love with. Falling for your friends ex is frowned apon simply because of the unofficial “girl code” rules but if she was truly your friend and she was truly over him she would support you and him if you both like each other. Yes she is going to be upset and yes it is weird to say you’ve fallen for a friends ex but if she truly care for you she will be happy that you’re happy.

    • Anonymous says:

      Tbh, if ur friend and his/her ex are done, they shouldn’t care about who dates who even if it’s you best friend or not. What if your ex and your best friend turn out to be soulmates and were destined to be together? You will be considered as the selfish one if u hinder your best friend and your ex’s happiness. You have NOTHING to do with who your ex or even your best friend dates. EVER. You can’t control people. You can’t possess people. There is nothing wrong with your ex dating your best friend. And if your going to be an ass about it, might as well stfu and let your ex and best friend be happy. Actually, i’m dating my best friend’s ex and it isn’t selfish because I really love the guy and I was the one dumped. But my ex over is all mad but he shouldn’t give two fucks on who I or my bf dates at all. And besides, my bf liked way before my ex and i started going out. And my bf told my ex that he liked me a lot but despite of knowing his best friend’s feelings for me, he went out with me anyway. And the only reason my ex dated me because he was desperate for a gf and he didn’t even like me as much as my current bf did. And a month after my ex and i broke up, he got a gf and rubbed it in my face. And a few weeks after that, my ex’s best friend asked me out and I said yes cuz i liked him. Then, when my ex found out he got all mad and stopped talking to my bf and my bf has been trying to talk to him but my ex always walks away. My ex is such an ass and his gf is a bitch cuz she talked smack about me and ugh i just don’t want him to get in between me and bf’s relationship because we are doing very well

  12. Ehiz says:

    I got to knw today dat d guy am dating nw is my best friendz ex, ed i love him so much buh nw am confused donno if i should continue or not.

  13. Makayla says:

    Well thank you for the great advice but we broke up because he was a cheater and he cheated on me with one of my friends but thanks for trying

  14. Kl says:

    had a best friend from high school and after that I use to hang out with everyday. She is not my ex best friend 10 years later. It started in high school with her dating my e,x junior year that I dated for 2 years. She didn’t ask me she just disappeared for months. When I found out I confronted her and she said “I liked him before yall dated” (well she liked and dated every guy she could period.) I was hurt and didn’t talk to her for a month or so. But I got over it mainly my ex just disgusted me by that point and I never looked at him the same. Next I started dating this guy that she made out with in middle school and she was pissed I dated him.( which I never knew) I pretty much told her she was going to have deal with it bc she has hooked up with like every guy in our grade at some point. Me and the guy broke up after that. then I met and fell in love for the first time with my high school sweetheart. We dated on and off the rest of high school n after . She literally dated all of his friends (and he had a lot like a football team) one of the times we broke up he had started texting her flirting with her and she told me I thought she had changed.I regained my trust in her. We spent literally everyday together . Enter my bad boy phase dated this real loser but he looked good. We dated for 6 months broke up bc he cheated on me. Single and doing me and I’m trying to get my girl to pick up her phone to Come out. can’t get in touch for months find out she’s screwing my loser ex. Won’t even talk to me about it, I message her on fb tell her how messed up she is. Gives me the same I liked him before Your two got together. At this point I’m done I don’t even want to talk to her. Time goes by I meet my now husband and she wants to throw a party for my birthday. She does its all good still not seeing her as much but that’s what happens when u get older. She invites me over for a party.I bring my bf (now husband)Like Noone is there but her and an ex I never met. So we get to drinking n more and more people show up, I’m pissed drunk by this point. I realize every single person is a dude. We are the only two girls, and like 25 dudes which really pissed off my bf. Like what was she planning ? So I give her the Benfit of doubt and we talk from Time to time and then find out she is now living with my loser ex. I’m done I don’t try n be her friend. She’s a messed up person.
    Two years later she is hitting me up. Trying to hang out texting me. Then she starts messaging my husband. Talking about how we all need to hang out not me but to my husband. I ignore her and continue to for 2 years more. Well I’m 28 now and she just messaged me trying hang out. I told her I do not have time. I feel bad but I don’t. bc I know more than likely if I gave her one more chance she would be a fucked up person.

  15. Prof. Adeloye says:

    I’m in a serious mess now. It all happen when my friend’s girlfriend sent me text on social media,I reply her moreover we started discussing and sending funny and comid things to her vice versa. All of a sudden I discovered her media chat wasn’t going through I became worried that lead me in calling her and this perhaps became the first call have ever put through her line she responded well and gave her reasons of not been online or not connected.
    In the next scenario my friend ask me to follow him to her place, in d first sight I lost consciousness, my spirit reconnected with her.
    The most interesting thing is dt my friend keep on telling me he can’t date her, he just want to use her and dump her which I objected. My friend has numerous girlfriends in which I have none .whenever I and the girl talked she doesn’t used to mention my friend name den I wondered How?. She’s coming very soon to my house and I dnt know what to tell her
    Pls friends am really confused I need ur advice.

  16. Makayla says:

    So I am trying to decide if I should break up with before everybody starts to hate me because of one person or stay with him because he loves me anybody could prove it and I love him he is an amazing guy and I would hate to lose him but I don’t want everybody to hate me ether plz help

    • mekayla says:

      all you have to do is just follow your heart thats what i can say

    • Sunrae says:

      If you love him and he loves you back and it is a relationship you are comfortable with everyone else’s opinions do not matter. This is a relationship of you and him. If everyone is going to hate you because you don’t like him and you want to be honest, then that shows a real lack of maturity in them and you shouldn’t worry about what they say. This is your decision. If you like him and he treats you well and likes you back, continue to date him. If there are problems in this relationship that you aren’t sure you both can figure out together then break up with him. If everyone attacks you for it then that isn’t your fault. You are being honest and trying to do what is best for both of your relationships.

    • alleya says:

      Hi. If u love the guy so much then I don’t think you should break up with him. And even if everyone hates you so what? God loves you. You don’t need anyone’s opinions. Its OK to be in love with anybody. You shouldn’t get insulted by what other people think of you. And also you shouldn’t do anything to harm yourself. If you like home and he likes you well people can’t stop you at judge you. Its your life. Let people talk what they want to talk. Live you life,be happy and fall in love.
      Hope this helps

  17. Fred says:

    My friend Bailee hates me because I’m dating her ex which he loves me and I love him madly and now she is starting to tell her other friends that I’m dating her ex and they are all turning against me what do I do

    • Sunrae says:

      Ok this is something you need to talk to her about. If you want to have a good friendship with her you need to talk to her but if she own talk that means she already made her decision and you cant change that at least not now.

      Now I hope you talked to her about whether or not you dated her ex, because these kind of things are very touchy and even if you love him she might still have some residual feelings for him and would be incredibly hurt by you doing this without warning.

      Now if you did talk to her and she said she didn’t like him, then there she shouldn’t have a problem. She could have been lying, but if she didn’t choose to be honest and admit she did still like him then that isn’t your fault. While she may feel pressure to not upset you, you both need to trust one another. If she still liked him or you didn’t ask then you did something wrong as your friend, even if you do like him. You didn’t tell her and you just went ahead. Even if you love him she still did as well and you need to wait for her to be ready for a change like this. She might have some issues with him that she things you will start up again by dating him.

      So to sum it up you need to talk to her. If she wont talk then that’s how it is and you need to either write to her explaining yourself or just ignore her. If her friends start to turn on you(suggesting they might be your friends as well) and they do so without asking for your side of the story, then again ignore them. Try and talk to her but if they or she wont then don’t try and press the matter. Just wait for things to balance off on their own.

  18. Brick says:

    Here’s the truth, there are 7billion people In the world and counting. This is your best friend, and this is someone your BEST FRIEND was in love with or had feelings for in some way shape or form. ARE YOU STUPID?! DO YOU LIKE BEING SELFISH?!?! Here is the thing….if you want to make yourself look dumb as rocks, look like you have no self respect, no dignity, no integrity and no moral compass, and have all those things projected onto your BEST FRIEND then go for it. Just remember, people have gone to WAR over this type of stuff. People have KILLED( either themselves or others) over this type of stuff. You have any idea how damaging it is to another person knowing that two people who they have shared intimate parts of themselves thinks and feels about that type of stuff?!?! If anyone tells you it’s okay to do something like that, then they literally have never been In a situation where it happened to them. They have NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO BE BETRAYED…I’m sick of people thinking this type of crap is cool, acceptable, and tolerable. It’s so incredible SELFISH!!!! There or BILLIONS, that’s right BILLIONS of people in the world and just because you’re familiar with a persons who you’ve spent time with over the X amount of years crushes on you because F**king DUH YOU KNOW EACHOTHER?!? Doesn’t make it right at all. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. You’re an idiot if you think that’s cool and just remember, it causes PAIN and sometimes deep emotion damage to other people who TRUSTED YOU BOTH. And you’re just going to spit in that other persons face like no big deal? Lol hahahaha lmfao, you lack imagination and grace. Get a clue.

    • Sunrae says:

      This is a very ignorant response. You and I don’t know enough about this girls’ story to make assumptions like this and im sure this girl finds this very upsetting. You clearly don’t know the situation as well as you pretend to, so if you are not going to offer real advice then you shouldn’t be here.

  19. Mack says:

    I have a problem with my boyfriend and my best friend. Today he asked me out and of course i said yes becase he is cute and this is my first boyfriend too. But my best friend does not know about it yet and i am going to tell her tomorrow with back up from my other guy friend because he is the one who told me and then my boyfriend asked me out because my guy friend told me he liked me. The same day i got asked out the kid broke up with his girlfriend who is my best friend becauase my boyfriwnd said that the first day he saw me he was in love with me

    • Sunrae says:

      Ok this is wrong all around. You shouldn’t not date anyone because they are attractive or your first. While ascetics are important they do not dictate the relationship. Also he just broke up with his last girlfriend that day. While you may like him, a day isn’t that long and he might still not have fully straightened himself together from that. And you shouldn’t have said yes. If you wanted to date him the post you should have said was that you wanted to talk to your friend(who you say he dated so you defiantly should have)and give him time and her time since they just broke up that day. Your guy friend shouldn’t be involved. This is just you him and your friend. You should have asked your friend from the et go and told her your feelings. And even after she gave you an ‘ok’ you should have waited a bit incase there was some recovery for him or her needed. You need to take the time and think about this relationship.

      You could very well ruin you current friendship. This is too sudden of a change for her and you and especially since that day she broke up with her boyfriend who is now your boyfriend.

      Over all you should have waited or you need to go to your boyfriend and tell him you would like to wait so you can figure this out with your friend.

  20. Heather says:

    You just don’t date the ex of a woman who is like your sister. Really? Can’t you find another man. It’s a huge boundary violation, and almost incestous. It doesn’t matter if she loves or hates him.

    Never break the sisterhood for a man, it’s never worth it.

  21. Sam says:

    I wanted to share my situation. Don’t know if anyone will reply, but I’ll give it a shot.
    I liked my current boyfriend since we were young (about 12-13) and I never stopped. I moved away for five years and came back and we instantly hit it off again but I had just come out of a relationship and didn’t want to get into anything too serious for awhile.
    Many months later he started dating a girl, which at the time I did not know. She befriended me, at first only to keep me away from him because she knew I still had feelings for him. She became my friend, I guess I would consider her my best friend, even though she was very controlling and didn’t want me doing a single thing without her consent. They broke up and me and him were actually able to talk again because she wasn’t stopping me.
    I ended up moving away again for another year, during that time she stopped talking to me entirely and was very reluctant to talk to me because I was no longer in the same time.
    I moved back and she still couldn’t really care for me, she never wanted to hang and so I just assumed that she didn’t want to be friends anymore and that was it, we never spoke and if I saw her in person she would just awkwardly smile and walk away, this is my ”best friend” who I had done nothing to except move away. He asked me to be his girlfriend, as we both had strong feelings for each other and had for a very long time, 7 months after they broke up and she had been in a new relationship for 5 months already.
    She wrote a nasty status aimed towards me saying how I was a bad ”friend” and that I needed her permission, because she was entitled to my happiness. Her words.
    I don’t believe, whether you think it goes against ‘girl code’ or not, that anyone other than yourself is entitled to your happiness.
    Tell me, do you think I’m wrong for doing so?
    She knew I liked him for YEARS and to me it seems like she was just my friend to benefit her and then when I was no longer able to do things for her and do her every command, she didn’t want to know.
    I have asked her why she stopped talking to me, BEFORE I dated him, and she just said distance. Tell me, do ‘best friends’ stop being friends because of distance?

    • Brianna says:

      If she was your real friend then no matter how long you went without talking you qould have still been talking to her when you moved back. Also of you need her permission so she can be happy then she should have asked you before going out with him especially if she knew you still liked him.

  22. cori clifford says:

    hi my friend just got over a breakup and i like her ex what should i do please help me.

    cori clifford

  23. Sure says:

    I think it’s pretty ridiculous how much people shame others for dating their best friends ex. First of all, their feelings are not something they can control. Second of all, no one has a right to tell someone they can’t love someone. That’s just selfish. Would you let someone choose your friends? No, and it’s the same thing; why would you let someone choose your partner; what gives them the right to say you can’t. It’s understandable that your best friend would be angry, but is preventing a relationship gonna make anything better? You’d just be preventing them from being happy. With so much more people supporting gay and lesbian relationships why is a relationship between and ex and a best friend so hard to accept? Gays would always get negativity for loving the same sex. I’m sure many of you know that if a girl dates her best friends ex, she gets called a slut or bitch. In either scenario someone is looked badly upon all because they fell in love with someone. Love is love no matter the sex, no matter the two persons involved.

    • Katelyn says:

      I’m getting married in 6 weeks and my ex-bridesmaid just told me she is dating my abusive ex… 6 weeks before my wedding. I’m in the same situation. devastated that a friend would put our friendship in the gutter over dating a known asshole. I told her I want nothing to do with him, if you do this I can’t very well be in your life since you don’t respect me or all the crap he put me through so it’s really up to you. I won’t tell her who she can and can’t date because that is totally her decision. It is however my human right to refuse to have anything to do with an abusive ex and set the hard boundary of “if you do this it means I can’t be in your life” and there is nothing wrong with that. We need to protect ourselves and keep people in our lives we can trust and respect. And not put an abusive asshole above a close friendship!!

    • Anonymous says:

      For real! Ugh i totally agree with you! I just can’t stand how ppl are saying you can’t date your best friend’s ex. And blah blah blah. People at my school are calling me a homie hopper for dating my ex’s best friend and it hurts so much. And people are calling my bf an asshole for dating his best friend’s ex. But him and I are so in love and my ex has a gf of his own so i don’t see the problem here. At all.

  24. Carla says:

    Bestfriends code tells us not to have any romantic links with each other’s exes. Makes you wonder if your bff had the hots for your ex since you were together, and was secretly wishing you’d breakup so she can have her hands on him. Sorry, it may be childish, but this is a no no in my books.

  25. Mitch says:

    I’m also in the same situation. My used to be best friend (we drifted apart due to different class now) dated this guy 3years ago. They were in a weird relationship. Sometimes she would cheat on him and broke with him and return to him a day after that. I feel so bad to him, bcause it feels like she was playing with his feelings. The guy that my friend’s dated with was a son to my music teacher, so both of us see each other frequently because we were in the same band. We become close due to he dated with my best friend so he’s like a brother to me. Then this day they broke up, he asked me out and I said no. At that time, I was not ready for relationship and he’s my best friend boyfriend. So I told her and she gets mad at him and thenthey return. Last year, they broke up. Because they cheated on each other. I think he doesn’t love her anymore after being used so many times. She still have a miss of him feeling towards him. While me and her ex, always talk and text to each other. And still are. She texted me and she said she’s jealous of me and still love him. Part of me say, that’s why u dont play with his feelin. And some other say, I’m sorry. Now, her ex and I still texting and I had a feeling for him. I kmow sshe’s gonna get hurt and she will forgot about as soon as we go to college. So I debating on tell her now, and faced that she’ll hate me or wait till we go to college then I told her.

  26. kayla marshall says:

    I’m in a very horrible situation ok so my friend broke up with her boyfriend so then 2 or 3 days later he asked me out so I said yes. So I told my friend are you gonna get mad at me she said no. Plus I belived her so then I trusted her then later I hugged him she saw me she started to cuss me out an i tried to talk to her but she just didn’t want me to touch her so then now she just won’t talk to me ,
    . I’m very sad and I don’t know what to do?

    • Kim Bohannon says:


      • Leah says:

        That’s a little bit harsh no offence, that’s like telling someone who to have feelings for. In one way or another, someone may get hurt and everyone is going to have ex’s it just sucks in this case that it’s a close friend. It may be hard for your friend and they’ll most likely be a little upset but hey, would you rather see someone be with someone that makes them happy? Or rather them wait around until they’re given the go ahead. All you can do is apologise to her and if she doesn’t want to forgive you, there’s nothing more you can do. Your happiness is one of the main priorities

      • Laura says:

        First of all, feelings are not something you can control. I don’t know if this is just because I do like one of my friends ex but I wanna be able to defend myself from people like you. I understand there should be a boundary and it depends at the timing of it. In my situation, my friend cheated on her ex. Her ex and I started talking and I ended up liking him, not that I did it on purpose to hurt someone.

  27. sam says:

    im actually in the same problem right now with my bestfriend. I was very close with her boyfriend and her and hung out with them all the time. They were dating for 5 years and broke up eventually because he had no interest in her anymore. I always thought of him as a brother, but then I knew that there was some feeling for him because he would make me smile, and I was in very bad relationships in the past and he was just such a great guy. One day he admitted that he liked me alot, and then i just couldnt contain my feelings but tell him that i liked him too. A couple days later he asked me out, and I said yes. I told my bestfriend over the phone and told her that i couldnt do anything about my feelings because I couldnt control what my heart wanted. I knew it was going to destroy our friendship but it was a risk i was willing to take. of course she got mad and didnt want to talk to me. i thought i was the worst person in the whole world and it was horrible, but then i started to realize that if she was really my friend she would come back and want me to be happy because thats what friends do. Im not saying that shes gonna wanna be the best of friends in a couple days but if you give her time she will learn to accept the fact that you should be happy and she needs to move on because everything happens for a reason.

  28. Brenda says:

    look all people say that its not bad dating your bestfriend ex .. ummm no hunny !!! its bad dating your bestfriend ex . you might say but my happiness comes first yeah true but don’t you remember that shes was like your sister . would you do that to your own family .. I think that’s wrong and all of y`all that think is okay I hope that y`all see that your wrong …!!

  29. Bridget says:

    Ok so I have a situation like this and I want to share my story. Ok so this boy has liked me for awhile now. Well he started dating my best friend. They dated for a little over two months and then he broke up with her. She got mad at me because she thought he broke up with her to be with me. This was not the case at the time. In fact I never even told her I liked him. Well now I have started to like him and he is a really good guy. I would really like to date him but I think she might get mad even though she has another boyfriend. Everybody says she is just a drama queen. And she doesn’t really talk to me anymore anyways so I think I should be able to date him with out problems. But I think I should wait for awhile to tell her so it has been longer since they broke up instead of telling her right when we start dating. And I agree with one of the comments that I need my happiness too and it should come before hers. Please help!

    • lulu says:

      i was in the same thing and i’m look for a way to tell my best friend i’m dating he ex. i don’t think it wrong if your friend does not have any more fillings for the guy.

  30. Guest says:

    for me it’s a violation of the best friends code.

  31. Melinda says:

    This is tricky…I would say it depends on the situation. I was in a situation a very long time ago, where my former “friend” thought I wanted to be with her ex-boyfriend. I didn’t, but the result was the fallout of our friendship due to a misunderstanding on her part.

    But Ellie’s situation seems to be very different. I agree with the others who replied. I wouldn’t say that you’re a “bad” person. A truly “bad” friend wouldn’t care and she would do what she wanted to do anyway. I would say, however, that it was a bad decision. Making a bad decision doesn’t make you a bad person…it simply means that maybe you should have put more thought into it.

    Like Amy said, that is one of the “codes” of friendship. Dating a friend’s ex is hardly ever a good idea because it will often result in hurt feelings, even if that wasn’t your intention. I never dated my friend’s ex but she had some jealousy/insecurity issues and she believed, for some reason, that I wanted to date him…even though I had a boyfriend of my own and was never interested in hers.

    Hopefully she will come around and forgive you. Just give her some time to cool down and then meet her for coffee or something. Apologize for hurting her. And yes, like Amy said, this is a learning experience. I also agree that this guy shouldn’t have come between you and your friend.

  32. Claire says:

    You made a choice to date this man. That is your right. Dating someone else’s ex, even when they agree, is always a sensitive matter. You know know how exactly you will feel when it actually happens. For me, it’s just something not done. Then again, never say never. But accept the consequences for your actions always.
    I agree with Amy, that the boyfriend is not really nice seducing his ex’ best friend…

  33. anonymous says:

    As you can see it’s complicated! But you did the right thing going to your friend and telling her. After that it’s fair game. Especially if she didn’t like him. If she was heartbroken over him that’d be a different story. But that’s were it gets tricky too. Because she probably confided in you about their relationship. In any case, it will and has obviously changed your friendship. If you truly think he’s a quality guy go for it.
    I know plenty of couples who met each other through scenarios like yours.

    • anonymous says:

      I forgot to say: I’m a little leary that he seduced you….be careful that he’s not doing it out of revenge. If you find his intensions to be true then go for it.

  34. Mary says:

    I understand your friend being upset, but in the end you have to do what you think is best for your own happiness. I had a friend (actually, she is best friends with my sister, so more of a family friend) that was dating a guy that was one of my friends (confused yet?). I liked him, but not in a romantic way at that point. They dated a few months and after waffling back and forth, he finally decided to end it. It was really hard for her because she still really liked him, and I thought he was lame because of how he handled the situation.

    Well, 4-6 months later he starts contacting me, trying to be all cute. He was still my friend so I didn’t want to be too cold, but tried to get the message across of “No dude, I’m not going to date you.” HOWEVER, this guy was really quality. I knew he had many of the traits I was looking for in a man/husband. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed to give him a chance. I didn’t tell her right away because I didn’t see any sense in hurting her if the thing didn’t materialize into anything after a few dates, but I eventually called her and told her. She was upset, but there wasn’t much she could do or say.

    In the end I married him, and she married another great guy. She got married before I did! I’m not saying that it’s always okay to date your friends’ ex’s, I would try to stay away from it as a general rule. BUT if you’re going to do it I would make sure you fully evaluate the reasons he and your friend broke up and integrity of the guy. Just make sure it’s worth it because it will change your relationship with your friend.

    • Sonny torres says:

      I have a similar situation but in my case im the guy. I have started to develope feelings for my best friend but she is lleary about it because her best friend like’d me well 2 of them did but one was over 2 years ago and the other one about 1 year ago the one from 2 years ago we talked about maybe starting a relationship but at the en it wasnt going to work out. The second girl we were getting to onow each other but never actually dated or even kissed for that matter. My best friend the woman who i would like to pursue feels that she would be betraying this girls if she gave me a chance. I really dont want anyone to get hurt either, but my best friend is really one of a kind she is simply amazing and i would love to pursue her. Im not what i should do. She says that if both of the girls get married then she would consider it. To be honest i wouldnt mind waiting she is that amazing but i dont know if that is the right thing to do? I dont want my best friend to compromise her believes over me. What would you ladies advise me to do. Wait on her move on talk to the other girls ask rheir permission or nothing at all? Thank u in advance for reading this post.

  35. Amy says:

    I do not think you are a bad person. I assume that you’re young and have never had the experience of a guy coming between you and a friend. I give you credit for being above board with your friend and not going behind her back. You probably didn’t understand, if she cared enough to hate him, that means she cared. Some say there is a fine line between hate and love.

    In my opinion, dating a friend or relative’s ex is taboo, even if the person gives “permission”. It’s a “don’t go there” scenario, particularly if you care about the relationship. I know many friends and sisters who make pledges to never let a man come between them.

    It sounds to me like you chose him over her, even though I don’t think you knew you were making that choice when you decided to date him.

    As Irene says, this is a learning experience for you, a painful one for both you and your former best friend.

    For the record, I don’t have a lot of respect for your boyfriend/her ex for coming between you two.

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