• Other Friendship Advice

A young teen feels bad about her hair

Published: March 5, 2016 | By | 3 Replies Continue Reading
Sensitivity to comments about her hair may not be more than that.



So I am in year 8 this year. When I went back to school I found out that one of my friends has permanently straightened her hair. In all truth I was happy for her because genetically her hair is very frizzy and huge and not the most pleasant.

I have always had silky, smooth, straight hair along with a few other members of our group. But lately my friend has been making these really nasty comments about everyone and their hair.

Like when we walk around in the yard is always like, “Oh that girl’s hair is so ugly” or “It’s so frizzy” and I don’t like to around that negativity.

The thing is that I have insecurities about my own hair because I don’t have much of it and because of vitamin deficiencies I already have several grey ones.

So lately my friend has been directing these bad comments towards me. Because back when she had bad hair my friends and I always gave her tips to look after her hair.

So whenever we are in public she makes the rudest comments towards me. Sometimes not even about my hair. Just about me in general. And even though I am hiding my emotions right now, it really hurts me because I have been having a really tough time.

I don’t want to be around this anymore but most of my friends except one don’t even notice what my friend is saying. I don’t want to start any unnecessary drama between my friends so please tell me what to do.

I know that my year 8 problems won’t be as important as everyone else’s but sometimes things people say to me really makes me feel bad and doubt myself.

Signed, Madison


Dear Madison,

I’m sorry to hear you’re having trouble with your friend. Adolescence is often a time of insecurity, especially for girls. I have never met a teenager who didn’t have some insecurity about part or all of her appearance. Many adult women have parts of their bodies they’d like to change. So you are not alone having an area of emotional vulnerability.

Let’s take hair out of the situation with your friend, because your letter is about a lot more than hair. Your friend has said some unkind things about the appearance of others, and she’s said things to you that have felt hurtful.  Since this is a change in her behavior, I wonder if she’s having a hard time and you’re noticing this with this change in personality.  You might want to ask her if everything is okay.

No matter what the reason, you deserve to be around people who treat you kindly. Next time your friend says something hurtful, tell her. The best way to do this without sounding accusatory and to keep her from becoming defensive is using “I” statements to talk about your feelings. “I feel hurt when you talk about my hair. I’m really sensitive about my hair to begin with, so I’d appreciate you not bringing it up. Thanks.”

If your friend is talking about someone else, you might say, “I feel uncomfortable when you make fun of Amber’s hair.”

Even though the topic is hair, your letter is more importantly about communication, kindness and feeling comfortable with yourself and others.

Good luck with your friend. I think you’ll be able to work this out.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

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Category: Teen friendships

Comments (3)

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  1. Salstarat says:

    Sadly, your rather nasty friend is using her newly found confidence in herself (with her recently straightened hair) as a weapon of revenge. It looks like she enjoys playing the part of the school’s MEAN GIRL and ridiculing others. The very next time she does it, I would pull her aside and gently remind her that it was not that long ago that HER hair was fuzzy and that the temporary measures to straighten her hair are, indeed, TEMPORARY. Tell her that you find her newly acquired cruel disposition very unappealing and if she keeps it up, she will have one LESS “friend” to play the part of her “whipping boy”. The very second she derides you, in any way, turn around and walk away. With “friends” like her, who needs enemies? You can be sure that her obnoxious behaviour has not gone unnoticed and that she is making herself exceedingly unpopular. You need to remind her that hair, looks and clothing is only “skin deep” and it takes a LOT more to be a successful, popular person … treating others with respect, compassion and kindness should be TOP OF THE LIST. This immature girl is not deserving of your friendship or acquaintance …. dump her.

  2. Someone says:

    Being around someone that presses your buttons and puts you down is never a good experience. If you remain silent, the friendship will suffer and so will you. Your resentments will build and you will want to avoid her. You’re suffering now, so you may as well tell her how this affects you. If you look at it this way you have nothing to lose.

    If she doesn’t take your feelings into consideration or continues to belittle you, she’s not really your friend. Keep in mind that this new mean-spiritedness has nothing to do with you, it’s all about her insecurity and her issues that caused this change in her. Hope that helped. Good luck to y!

  3. lottie says:

    Hello Madison,

    I am sorry to hear you are upset about these comments and not happy with your own hair. A 30 year old friend of mine is also having problems with hers. She has really thinning hair along with all her family (females only).

    She has started to wear hers up rather than long and straight.It is incredible the difference it has made.It shows off her very pretty face that she didn’t know she had!! and neither did we!!! She has been to a hairdresser who has shown her how to do different styles and how to add volume with hair pieces.

    Of course she has paid for advice but you young ladies probably can already do these things. It is worth experimenting with new styles just to ring a change.

    As for the prickly friend just feel sorry for her. What happens when her hair grows ,will it revert back to a bush? It’s a shame for her. Play along and ignore bad comments. She knows it wont be permanent.

    My hair has started to go curly underneath, much to my distress. We were on holiday some weeks back and it went worse. My hubby even commented asking what had gone wrong. I gave him one of those “excuse me looks” when he said it needs a combine harvester with it looking like straw!!!!
    Have a laugh on me and cheer up.

    Remember something,your worry or problem is the most important to you not what someone else worries about. Don’t compare, we are all different with different worries.

    Like when you start work your job will be the most important to YOU. When I first started work as a 16yr old my manager asked whose job was the most important job in the office……I answered mine,I will not worry about yours.Maybe not the answer he wanted but I did my job and he liked me for it and laughed.

    Very best wishes for the future and when your friend hair reverts back to its original state be there for her. Lottie

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