• Other Friendship Advice

A teen’s parents insist she end her friendship with a gay friend

Published: October 26, 2015 | By | 4 Replies Continue Reading
The gay friend asks whether she can preserve the friendship.


Hi Irene,

So me and my best friend are no longer friends anymore and she wouldn’t even fully explain to me why, but apparently her parents read all of our text messages and in one of the messages I was talking about being gay because I am gay. She knew that and accepted me and we were still best friends, but I guess her parents didn’t know and I guess they have a problem.

We’ve been friends for two years now and I thought her parents were really nice but they won’t accept me now just because I am gay. Her parents said we can no longer be friends or even talk to each other. They even made her block my number and block me on all social media so I would have no contact with her whatsoever. They said that if we talk to each other in school or anything they will send her back to China (her home country) next week!

OMG is that REALLY necessary?? Lots of people in the world are gay and we are just 15 years old so what is this parent doing butting into our friendship when we have been BEST FRIENDS for 2 years now without any problems!

I don’t know what to do because she wants to be my friend and I want to still be hers but she can’t just disobey her parents. So we’ve been purposely avoiding each other for the past two weeks just because we have to do what her parents said and I think this is ridiculous. I don’t know if they are religious or what but we are both really stuck. Please help.

Signed, Wendy


Hi Wendy,

I can understand how upsetting this must feel to you and your friend for a variety of reasons:

  • You both had to feel violated when an adult read your text messages.
  • You both had to feel terrible when they forbade her from seeing you on the basis of your sexual orientation and threatened her if she did.

While you, your friend and many other adults might not agree with your friend’s parents’ values or parenting skills, your friend is still living at home and has no choice but to respect their wishes. Perhaps, they were raised at a different time in a different culture that isn’t as open to differences.

I’m glad that you realize that your friend has to obey her parents even if she disagrees with them. You are only 15 years old and, unfortunately, this probably won’t be the only time you encounter prejudice and discrimination in the years ahead.

In this situation, because of your age, it seems like you and your friend are really stuck. You might find it useful to join a support group for gay teens or speak to an adult whom you trust to process what happened and move forward.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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Category: Teen friendships

Comments (4)

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  1. Jerry says:

    hi Wendy i know how you feel being discriminated ageist long story sort me and my friend of four years a year ago we were a couple her mother found out and said no because of our birth issues i was hurt bad and sadly haven’t got a apology since.

    but cheer up old door close and new ones open you can make new friends and be patient and pray and hope you and you Friend can meet again one day.

  2. Ang says:

    Wendy, I really feel for you. It sounds like you and your friend have a lot in common and have had a really good friendship going. I have had a similar experience happen to me. I’m also asian and not all, but most asian parents are strict and demand you follow their rules. I was best friends with this girl in middle school and the first half of high school(we went to different high schools). Then my parents didn’t like her anymore due to how she was dressing(she was grunge but I didn’t think she was a bad kid). So my parents banned me from being friends with her. I had no choice but to not be friends with my friend anymore. I tried to reconnect with her again six years later but we lost touch after a short period of time, we both changed so much since high school and we have different goals and lives now. But I hear you, it is tough not being able to see your friend. I hope that when you’re of legal age, you two can reconnect again and pick up where you left off.

  3. Tara says:

    Hi Wendy,
    Wow, that is a lot for you and your friend to go through and very unfair. It seems like you have a strong sense of self and are seeking to understand your feelings as well as your friend’s. I can imagine that a loss of a friend due to who you are can feel awful?

    Irene brings up valid points, especially that your friend is caught in a bind. If her parents threat is real, sending her to China, then that is a lot on her shoulders. Unfortunately, some of these threats may be real as this happened to my cousin whose parents sent her to my family’s home country for the reminder of high school (to deter her from male influences).

    From what you have written, it sounds like you have an empathetic character and if you need it, will seek further help in processing a rough period of a friendship ending unjustly. I wish you well in moving through this.

    Kind regards,

  4. Susan M. says:

    Dr. Irene is right. I wish she wasn’t. The two of you seem to have quite a bit in common, or the friendship would not have developed. I know it seems like a long time, but in thirty-six months, give or take, you will be of legal age to make these types of choices on your own. Hopefully, you two may be able to pick things up where you were forced (for now) to leave them.

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