• Few or No Friends

A new mom with marital and family problems

Published: June 12, 2015 | By | 10 Replies Continue Reading
A new mom grapples with alcoholism, marital and family problems, and a pregnancy that’s unwanted by her husband.


I am a new mom and a stay at home mom. I have a husband who is an alcoholic and receiving help. The journey through our relationship has not been easy for me or for my son.

During the hard times, I had had some outbursts on our street, which led me to feel bullied by neighbors. I am sometimes scared for my life, both for my son and my health. I say this because I found myself being pregnant right now.

My husband told me we are putting this child up for adoption and I don’t want that. To top it off that my mom thinks maybe I should abort, given situation I’m in. I am considering that option but don’t think I can go through with that.

One problem that we have are the many meddlers in our life and the bullying I am receiving from the neighborhood, which I was told it is all in my head. Sometimes I feel so bad about this hopeless position that I’m on the brink of ending my life.

Now that I’m pregnant, I don’t feel like ending my life but I do feel it might be okay if I just drink and smoke to take away the pain of all the bullying and hurt my child is going through—and I’ve hurting already for this unborn child I’m am having. By the way my mom and I have a very strained relationship. I don’t seem to anytime feel she approves of me, even as a human being. She has told me and showed me many times that I’m not loved by her.

Right now she has been babysitting my son and I feel that the connection between him and I has been strained since she has been taking care of him. By the way my husband is no support for me whatsoever. All he cares about is what part of the house is not cleaned. Help and advice?


Hi Rachel,

I ordinarily don’t respond to letters such as that are off the topic of friendship but my heart goes out to you.

It sounds like you are grappling with a number of problems: alcoholism, marital and family problems, a pregnancy that’s unwanted by your husband, and having responsibility for a young child—none of these are problems that can be addressed from afar.

Further, these problems are far more complicated than any one person can deal with alone, without getting outside help. You need to find a social worker or counselor, perhaps through Al-Anon or the facility where you are receiving prenatal care, to help you sort through your thoughts, get some support and encouragement, and determine the best way for you to proceed.

If you have thoughts of suicide again, contact a confidential hotline immediately.

  • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.
  • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

My best wishes to you,


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Comments (10)

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  1. mwssquared says:

    My life is a bit terrible right now , too. I can relate to WANTING to have an emotional out burst on the street, but thank God I have not. 🙂 Smoking while you are pregnant and having an alkie husband does not always = social services for ctying out loud. I do not think I would want to be pregnant in your situation. I think you are lucky that your mom is in your life. And please… hold your head up HIGH when you go out. Do not let your neighbors bring you down. You have a RIGHT TO BE HERE. You are probably a wonderful mother with a lot going on. Can you move in with your mom right now for a bit. Alanon might help, but do not be surprised if you find this network judgey, too. I would maybe advise talking to a therapist. Not b/c you are overwhelmed, but b/c this is A LOT of stress for you. Also–you might try to approach a neighbor and ask what is going on? Maybe bring your mom with you? YOu never know, one of these people who might seem to be a bully could be a potential friend. i could be wrong. ty to jan above ofor the kind response. i think slipping you an aa pamphlet would be really rotton and passive aggressive, personally. xo

    • mwssquared says:

      Sorry, I do not edit this before posting. I meant to say “not b/c you have anything WRONG with you, but b/c you are overwhlemed/stressed.”

  2. Mary says:

    Hi Rachel.

    I think Dionne has given you the same suggestions i would. If things are so bad and have been for a while why get pregnant. No doubt you drink as well as he does. Now there is nothing wrong with that, if its the life you chose, but its no place for your son and having another child. Sound like a referral to child saftey might be in order.

    Of course possible neighbors have already contacted them. They are very busy.
    Of course you and your mum would be strained if your living that lifestyle.
    All the councilors in the world wont help if your not willing to stand on your own two feet- leave him and get off the drink and smokes .
    It really is up to you.

    Well said Dionne

  3. Bronwyn says:

    Given that you haven’t made a decision yet about the baby, PLEASE make a decision to stop smoking and drinking. Beyond that, I agree that this will not be solved via this process — although there is nothing wrong with asking for suggestions. However, as others have mentioned this is a situation that requires professional help and quite possibly assistanc in changing your living situation.

    Please utilize the resorces Irene listed and please take care of yourself.

    Good luck.

  4. Dionne says:

    Also, I don’t understand “I had some outbursts on the street when led me to feel bullied by the neighbors.”

    What do you mean by that? First, I’d say your neighbors are far from your most important problem right now. Also, “bullied” is usually an inaccurate, if not silly, term for adults. If you had some kind of public breakdown or acted the fool and now the other neighborhood mothers avoid you rather than befriend you, that’s unfortunate but it is their rightful choice, not “bullying you.” Neighbors don’t owe you friendship or inclusion and silly gossip is not bullying. There are always more people to meet in the area if you want people to hang out with. If people are actually harassing you, call the police and press charges.

    • Amy F says:

      I agree. I’d avoid a neighbor making public outbursts, though I’d probably slip brochures for counseling or AA into her mailbox. I’d be polite, but have very firm boundaries and keep my distance.

  5. Jan says:

    Hi Rachel – life sounds really tough at the minute for you, my heart goes out to you. You seem to be looking after everyone, but with little to no support yourself. In stressful times we all hope for unconditional love from our parents, often particularly from our mum’s. It’s really, really hard to then discover it’s not forth coming. I’ve been there myself. Who says the bullying in the neighbourhood is ‘all in your head’? Your husband?? You come across to me like a very caring person, who stands by people through thick and thin, rather than running away from any problems that occur. You need to take care of yourself though, and start putting yourself first perhaps? I’m sure that won’t come easily to you as you seem so naturally giving, but your son will benefit from it indirectly too, so think of it that way!! Talking things through with a counsellor/therapist really helps put things into perspective. And they listen without judgement which sounds exactly what you could do with some of! It wouldn’t surprise me if like me, you need to stop looking to others for validation and to love yourself more, because often all our relationships suffer if we don’t do that for ourselves. There’s a (free) website and FB group I’ve found useful, which explains how much of our life is driven by our own behaviour and change is possible once you realise the origin of it, but I’m not sure what the rules are here as to posting things like that.
    Take care.

  6. Dionne says:

    Hi Rachel. This seems beyond message board assistance and more for a therapist. But my opinion is, it does not seem to me like you need another kid right now whatsoever nor that this is a good situation to bring another child into. Was this pregnancy an accident or an attempt to fix things? (I hope you know that only works in the movies).

    If I were you, I think I’d either abort or go about selecting an adoptive family, get a job (or job skills first, if necessary), then take your son and get away from both your husband and your mother. Stay away from toxic people and get yourself out of bad situations, not deeper in. Good luck.

  7. Amy F says:

    Please reach out for professional support. You might also benefit from Alanon meeting for friends and family of alcoholics. These are issues you can’t solve on your own.

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