• Resolving Problems

8 common friendship problems and how to fix them

Published: January 19, 2012 | Last Updated: November 2, 2012 By | 157 Replies Continue Reading

It’s almost as hard to generalize about friendship problems—as it is to figure out how to solve them. Some situations may sound the same or have certain elements in common but when it comes down to the details, every friendship has a different trajectory based on a unique mix of personalities, circumstances and history.

When a serious problem does crop up in a friendship, it’s generally unexpected, disappointing, and very uncomfortable to deal with. Communication is key, but many times we’re at a loss for what to say or how to approach a sticky situation.

When another journalist recently asked me to identify some of the sticky situations that typically occur among followers of this blog, the 8 scenarios listed below were ones that seemed to recur frequently. I’ve provided a suggestion or two for resolving each of them.  


Your friend is too busy to make plans, breaks plans, and can’t be counted upon.


Make sure she’s aware of what she’s doing; let her know she’s disappointed you; and ask her to be more reliable. If the problem persists, you may need to dilute the friendship by seeing her less frequently and/or relying on more reliable friends.


You can’t stand your friend’s boyfriend or spouse. 


It’s her partner, not yours—and you don’t have to like him. What attracts two people can be hard to quantify or understand. If you don’t like her choice, try to carve out ways to spend time together with her, without him. You can say how you feel but don’t try to talk her out of the way she feels. Of course, if you think her choice of partner is self-destructive, let her know that and try to be there for her.


Your friend is infertile and you’re pregnant, again. 


Do everything you can to be sensitive to your friend’s feelings but the difficulties she’s having may be so painful that it’s hard for her to be around you. Continue to be empathetic, refrain from talking about children and childbearing constantly, and don’t be surprised if she needs some space.


You and your friend were attached at the hip and now have nothing to say to each other.


Your lives may have become so divergent that the friendship isn’t what it once was. Friendships have their ups and downs, and few of them last forever. See if you can figure out what’s wrong by talking about it. If it’s a matter of you, her, or both of you having changed,  try to maintain a more distant connection without cutting off the friendship entirely.


You feel like you and your child are being excluded by a group of mothers. 


Ouch! The only thing more painful than feeling left out is feeling like your child is left out. See if you can talk to one or more of the parents to see if you can maintain a relationship with her (or them) apart from the group. It might also be wise to try to meet new moms and kids.


Your colleague, with whom you are close friends, is taking advantage of your friendship by slacking off on her work. You were recently promoted and made her supervisor. 


It’s unfortunate that she’s done this. To preserve the friendship and maintain productivity at work, you need to speak to her and clearly define your expectations of her performance in the workplace.


You have introduced your best friend to another friend of yours and the two of them no longer include you in their plans. 


Although this feels rotten, friend poaching happens more often than you might think. Perhaps, the two of them just hit it off. You can see if you can maintain a relationship with one or the other of the two but, unfortunately, if you can’t, you may need to find a new best friend. 


Your friend has dumped you without an explanation and you need “closure.” 


After a friendship has gone south, it’s nice when two people have a common understanding of what happened and why—but this isn’t always possible. Often, friends don’t give us that opportunity. You can let the dust settle and try to talk to her again but you may need to achieve closure on your own by letting go and moving on.

What are some other common problems you’ve observed or experienced that could be added to the list?

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  1. A friendship broken, like the wooden chair in the trash | September 21, 2013
  1. Lil' Fizz says:

    I said something stupid to my best friend on facebook and now she’s angry at me and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!! Helllllp

    • Aliah says:

      Just tell her your sorry. Wether that’s through text, call, or face to face I don’t really think it matters. Whenever me and my best friend get into a fight, we make up over text. If she doesn’t want to here it, move on.

  2. unknown says:

    I miss my bestfriend. we’ve been friends for 13 years now… we used to be so close and had really amazing time everytime we see each other. but since we were in the 11th grade, I feel like our friendship started to fade. That was because she was getting so close with the girl we used to hate. until now, they are still close, they contact each other tell stories, keep secrets to each other without me knowing. we used to do that when we were closed. now ive been replaced, it hurts. the things is I feel hurt and left out everytime I see them hanging out together without me, I just keep it to myself when I feel sad. i guess there are some unresolved problems between us. I just need to find ways how to resolve this.

  3. anonymous007 says:

    My bestie and I have been friends for 4 years now and she recently got a boyfriend. It feels like she tries to treat me by like taking me out or something but it actually feels like shes mak7ng it worse. Im so angry and frustrated and her boyfriend is nice and everything but it really has broken our relationship what should I do she my only real friend.

  4. BreauxBRidge says:

    Hey so about two years ago, my best friend started talking to this girl he met on the whisper app in california. He and I live in LOuisiana. So he and i have been friends for a little over 8 years now. After about a week of talking to this girl through texts and on skype he is in love with her and wants to go meet her in california. I discourage him in his blindness and mind you throughout him and her talking over a period of 3 weeks he who has no job and were both in our 20s would rather spend every waking moment communicating with her or waiting on such and i barely see him and we live 4 houses in between each other and hung out every other day and went to church together. ANYWAY one day hes suddenly free and after beating it out of him because he was moping all day, he told me she wasnt talking to him anymore and had blocked him on fb, (*The trip was approaching, mabye a week away, she told him he could come*) etc. We had a talk and he agreed that hed become to obsessed with this female and apoligized for his actions for the past month. OKAY FAST FORWARD TO THE LAST TWO MONTHS OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2014. He starts talking to this girl from out city who lives within two miles of our house, that he “met” over the whisper app. They talk for a week or two and he wants to meet her and she sends him this picture of her kissing another guy over the app. and it crushes him and i felt so bad. He moves on, and then 3 weeks later he starts talkin to her again, and so after they sorted the kissing thing out (and mind you they text over the app and he still hasnt met her) hes in love with her again and he has a supposed “girfriend” his status is taken on instagram but it doesnt say by who. SO one day i saw a picture shed posted on instagram, and shes very full of herself, anyway so i text him and told him she was fat, i was trying in a very rude way to discourage him from interacting with this girl. He got upset and told the girl what i said. He didnt come to me and tell me he had a problem, his friend of 8 years, he went to this bitch he met 3 weeks ago who already broke his heart once, and told her, i get a message from her on instagram which said if you have something to say say it to my face instead of behind my back like a bitch. And i texted him and said we need to talk. no reply for a week and some change. So i texted him and he could see nothing wrong in anything hed done. am i wrong? what do i do? i dont want to loose my best friend hes like my brother, i love him and his family. i dont want anything to come between all that.

    • unreliable says:

      Don’t I know how you feel…I’d comment on what you’ve said but first I’ll make it known that I’m going through something similar. Does your friend know you have feelings for him? Mine knows – and at one point even said he returned them – but like yours has a very short attention span and only cares about fulfilling his needs. I’m hardly in any place to give advice yet from what you’ve said it sounds like your friend is very angry with you and feels like you have no place in dictating who he’s involved with romantically even though you feel that you’re only looking out for him. The situation sounds pretty messy but at this point it’s more important to mend your friendship with him than to worry about that random girl. He’s lonely and looking for affection wherever he can find it, just show him that you’re willing to support him and that’s all you were trying to do. If he isn’t willing to make amends for bad mouthing you out of spite, that’s his problem. I’d really like to see what anyone else thinks of this or what you think or what happens because like I said I’m in a similar situation so sharing insight would be great.

    • L says:

      show him a show called catfish o think, that would snap it out if him

      • unreliable says:

        It’s a good show, I used to watch. A lot of people know the dangers of talking to people online and still don’t care. Given what happened with the first girl she says her friend talked to, he’s aware but doesn’t care…

  5. Dede says:


    I need advice,

    There’s this one girl who always say things about me and then acts kind with me, Then she gets her friends to gang up on me.

    What should I do ?

  6. Dede says:


    My friend has totally shut me down for no reason I was trying to talk to her today but she gave me a dirty look and walked off,Me and my friends Rebecca kept saying hi and being friendly but they ignored us and am really upset and I don’t know wat to do,And Iv got them a Christmas present and I’m not to sure if I should give them it anymore

    • so sorry says:

      to hear this. Personally I wouldn’t give them the Christmas gifts if they continue to act that way up until then. Since they don’t want to say what their problem is right now, walk away but make it clear that you’d like to know what’s going on. Then leave them alone. If they come back to you to discuss what they’re upset about, be willing to listen but make sure to stand up for yourself if things get too accusatory and heated. Most importantly, don’t set any ultimatums. Good luck

  7. palitha jayasinghe says:

    i am 57y married four young children my wife 52 years shr is working abroad. my elder son and daughter studing abroad other two daughter with me when my wife with me she had connection with another man i caught them together as soon as shewent abroad for new job and another connection with another man ifound now she compleatly gave up me. my wife and me have been loving 13 years and get married. today i am very lonely children are big no close relation sometimes think getting suicide what can i do

    • Irene says:

      Although you have reason to feel sad, thinking about suicide is not a “friendship problem,” per se. It is a signal of something more serious that requires professional attention.

      if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, please contact a suicide hotline immediately.

      • A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.
      • In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90.

      Speaking with someone who is trained to help can help you cope with your situation.

      Best, Irene

  8. Mari says:


    I have a best friend that I have known for 4 years. Her family and my family know each other too. It was the only friendship I ever had without fights or arguments.. People refer to us as the blessed friendship.. About a month ago something made our friendship break and also made her not be friends with me anymore.. The thing is I been trying to talk to her but she doesn’t want to listen.. People now been saying that its not worth fixing a friendship.. But i disagree!! But idk what to do!!! Any advice please

    • think of this... says:

      What you’re so focused on is how long you’ve known her and that your families know each other. I’m sure all she’s focused on is whatever the fallout was about – she’s thinking about how long she’s known you too. You don’t say what happened but that your friendship was without any rifts until now. She’s really deeply hurt about whatever it was that happened and it’s a very big deal to her. Since she doesn’t want to talk about it, respect that. The next time you see her let her know that you miss being friends with her, that you consider her a great friend and are open to talk about what happened. It’ll be hard not to but aside from that don’t say anything else. Then let it go and try to heal. If she comes back to you then honor that promise of being willing to talk if you still feel the same towards her as when you made it.

  9. --- says:

    My best friend and I met in the 8th grade. We are now sophomores in highschool. We have every class together. We even live together. But lately we have become more distant. I find her lying to me a lot. I haven’t brought that to her attention, I do t know how to. Every time she comes into the room she and I always get into an argument. I’ve told my mom I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of seeing her. I am starting to not want anything to do with her. She pisses me off. We have gotten into fist fights before. That sounds bad but I really do not know how to get rid of her. Or just to get away from her. I always try to avoid talking to her. I don’t know how to fix our relation ship… I feel like its to far gone to fix. With out her I’ll have no friends. At all. She is also my longest friend ship.

    • unfortunately says:

      I’ve been here before…You are dwelling on this relationship. You miss the friendship you used to have with this girl so you attempt to mend it by asking her what her problem is. Firstly, anyone who constantly lies to you – especially when they know there’s a great possibility they’ll be found out – is NOT worth trusting. You don’t trust her so how are you friends? You mention being in fist fights in the past. This relationship is not healthy and sounds like the distance between you is for the best. I suggest you move on and try to establish new friends; if you can’t do this in person try going online. Be safe.

  10. Anon says:

    Hey guys , I’m 14 this year and I have some extremely complicating friends . There is this girl in my class and she’s also from the dance team. So basically we are of a different race and we didn’t mix much in the beginning . But during dance club I talked to her occasionally and asked her if she was okay when she was down. So we started becoming very close. One day I invited her to eat recess with me and my friends and you could sort of say she joined our clique . From there everything changed. She always looked innocent but deep down inside she wasn’t .

    she got closer with my best friend and it made me feel left out , they had plans I didn’t know of . Instead of having a talk she just told me that maybe im not that good that’s why my best friend goes with her instead. She literally just threw me out of the clique. So we had this massive fight we hated each other to the core . My best friend got manipulated by her and was totally on her side.

    All this happened a year ago but now I realized what this ‘innocent girl’ had done. She would always do this : imagine there are 2 people A & B . They are both best friends. She goes to B and tells her that A has been talking behind her back and she hates her . She goes to A and does the same thing . So they both end up hating each other.

    Now we are okay with each other and my best friend is with me now after realizing what a jerk she was. The thing is I try to heal our wounds and be extremely caring and nice with her. She acts infront of me like she really appreciates it but then behind my back she says she hates me and gives me names.

    I thought I was the only one dealing with her shit as She is kind of a people’s person and most of them don’t see her flaws. But turns out everyone in my class doesn’t really like her except for 2 . The thing is I’m really confused . I try to understand her and patch us back into becoming just friends but she just doesn’t want to. I am really patient and kind towards her but It just doesn’t work . What should I do ? PLS HELP 🙂

  11. Anon says:

    So a few days ago I asked my two friends is they wanted to have a sleepover at my house in a week. One of them replied but other one didn’t. Then today the friend who replied said that she was probably going to the zoo with the other friend I had asked.(they were already bffs before they met me) I was really upset because they tend to do things without me. But they probably hadn’t even thought of that till later. And this happened to another friend of mine. She kept trying to hang out with them but they said they were making plans after she had asked them. It just make me really upset and I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything.

  12. Madisen R. Harrington says:

    Hi i’m Madisen , I might be a little young but idc I really really need help like now , so right now is Friday august 8th but yesterday I got in a fight with my close friends , I just don’t understand , but here is what happened to me :

    So it was afternoon friend#1 came over asked if I can come outside and talk and ride our rollerskates , we where having fun doing perfectly fine , oh and btw [my friend just moved in so shes trying to make friends] , anyways I saw some of my friends/enemy hanging out together so friend#1 went over there and I followed her she asked if they can play that’s when I asked her if we can go talk so I can just warn her about them cuz ive been hurt so much I didn’t want her to get hurt , she thought I was jealous and got mad at me so basicly she ditched me for them and I asked if I can play to they all encored me and I asked her what her problem was and we got in a little fight accordingly they tol her bad things about me so becuz of them she stopped being my friend now she hates my guts and thinks there better than me omg I mean what am I doing wrong I tried talking to her bout it telling hher how I felt and everything that I can possibly do , so that’s y im on here I know im young but I need help now and this is serious pls pls pls help me people it would mean the world to me if u guys gave me a hand here thanx sooooooooo much , have a wonderful day , good bye

    , madisen xoxo

    • someone you can trust says:

      the same thing happened to me you can try telling her what they are saying about you is a lie. with me that didn’t work but it works for some people. you can try talking to her and playing with her like you used to, but if nothing works shes not a good friend because good friends should trust you.

    • helper says:

      I see what you have one and you’ve done everything you could. A real friend would trust you, so I think you need you need to
      find a different friend because she does not deserve a friend like you

  13. Anonymous says:

    (I am putting the first letter or 1st two letters for my friends names so I do not reveal their true identity) Please help. I got into a fight with someone that eneded one of my friendships (with Al). A few days later I was talking to two other friends (M and A) who were with Al. A said she wasn’t gonna come to a b-day party that I was having so I got mad cause I was having a bad week. So A got mad and started to yell at me and say ride things to me. M sent me a message saying that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. Then A said the same thing. I then got into a fright with Al. She was really mad. So she started to say ride things and of course I did the same back. Near the end of the fight, we decided to forget all about it. So Al and I forgave each other and we are okay now. But A and M are still mad. And I tried to apologize many many times but the are ignoring me. What do I do? If this keeps going on then it will ruin other firendships that I have. Help…please?

  14. Anon says:

    Someone please help and give me advice! Ok so I have been friends with K since kindy and I don’t really like her(the feelings are probably mutual) anyways, at the the start of high school I met E and she didn’t really like K as well but in 2 years later E started talking behind my back and trying to make everyone in our friendship group hate me. We had a fight online before, she was saying how I was a two-face and that I always talk behind people’s back but doesn’t everyone do that? E does, K does it and now E likes K more than me, I’m trying to make E and K lessen the hate towards me but I don’t think it’s working, E has been more distant and I heard about E and two of my close friends(M and S) make plans on going out on the weekends but didn’t invite me, M wants me to go and S doesn’t mind it I go too but S says that I better not go because she made a promise to E at school that I can’t go and hang out with them. I’m starting to really dislike E. E always say that im mean to everyone including her and why i held a grudge towards K, i have reasons on disliking K(when we were in primary school she tricked me into eating her lunch which was meat, im vegan btw) and I don’t know why E is hating me because from what I remember, I never treated E badly nor held a grudge. I really dont know what to do because im scared everyone will leave me and im really bad at making friends. I knew I shouldn’t have befriended E. someone please reply and give some advice. If the advice is to stop becoming her friend or talk to E, I cannot because I’m a very quiet and shy person, I can’t express what I want to say.

  15. gftmklk says:

    HELP its summer right now and i think my friend is jealous since i keep on calling my other friend and when i call the friend who is mad at me im silent and she gets mad and brings up the past fights we’ve had and problems and says i bet u talk to the other friend and your not silent and stuff PLEASE HELP.

  16. Noelle says:

    Hi, I recently moved in with my bestfriend. We have been friends for at least 4 months. And before that, we were really close before I offended her last friend. Anyway, we’ve moved in together, along with her boyfriend and now everything is unraveling.She doesn’t trust me, because i have lied about a few things, such as not telling the entire truth about hanging with her boyfriend. I swear i never touched him or flirted. She has been hanging with another friend and no longer wants to come home. I feel very alone and neglected. I try to be there for her as much as i can. I am also a needy individual and i feel abandoned when she isn’t with me. I realize this causes issues,but i just want to repair the friendship. I don’t know exactly what direction to turn. Help!

  17. A girl says:

    So I have a friend and we’ve been friends since last year. One day last year she randomly stopped talking to me and noticing me and I didn’t know why. She started again after a few weeks. But now it’s happening again and I don’t know why. I’m so upset and want to cry from not being with her. I don’t know what to do…please please help me. It seems like no one has this problem but me. Thank you for your help. 🙂

    • Selena says:


    • Someone says:

      Umm..did you start hanging out with another friend the time she started ignoring you? ’cause she might be jealous of your other friend or it might be because she wants YOU to come talk to her and show her that you actually care about her & that you’re there for her.

    • A girl says:

      Have you tried asking her what’s up with her? She’s probably going through tough times and didn’t want people to know because she doesn’t want to be looked at differently. Sometimes you have to remember to put your feet in their shoes and do not judge right away without hearing their side of the story. Or maybe she just need some time for herself right now, but don’t think she’s turning her back on you. If you’re really her friend try to understand her and imagine how would you feel if you were in her situation.

    • Cherry$Fizz says:

      Some people just need more space than others. Too much time spent together can be unhealthy. Perhaps ask her if she is ok and let her know that you are worried because you haven’t heard from her. But try not to be so clingy that can push people away from you.

  18. Marie says:

    I Have a group of friends we’ve been friends since freshmen but now I realizes that they dosent want me anymore because they all have boyfriends and they are not going out with me before because they said im still childish and immature and go with the “no boyfriend untill graduate” policy while 3 of them has boyfriends now . Everytime I go at them they dont avoid me of course we’re like bestfriends but i cant go in their conversations about hanging out with there boyfriends.I cant help it because i feel alone. What can i do??

    • Someone says:

      You COULD try to ACT like them a little bit while you’re around them..like, talk like you actually HAVE a boyfriend other than this..Sorry, but they might be bad friends.

    • littlemiss says:

      well for starts you can talk to them about how your feeling and if they don’t accept you, then girl you deserve better because true friends don’t ditch you just for a guy. True friends stick together till the end and if they think your jealous of them dump them and make new friends you know who you can trust

    • Cherry$Fizz says:

      If they are your friends they should respect your beliefs/rules/limitations. True is never fun not being able to relate to friends but it’s going to happen all the time.people grow apart and pretty soon your best friend finds other groups and make inside jokes then it’s not fun. My best friend since third grade does this with his friends all the time. Yea I feel left out but we still like brothers. All you have to do is ask them what’s going on or show interest in the subject.
      And of they don’t get that then we’ll find new friends

  19. She's M.O.O says:

    I had friends who are problematic, what is the best thing that I may do?I just want to make them happy and make hem feel that I will always be right on their side. But, i don’t have too much time to spend with them because we have different levels.

  20. Mattisen says:

    My friend and I have been friends for two years or so, and well sh just got a boyfriend and talks to him almost the whole time she is over here on the phone I do I break her from that or do I just not have her over anymore???

    • Someone says:

      Well, i think you should tell her how you feel plus i suggest you don’t start to hang out less with her ’cause you don’t know how she feels about that.

    • Cherry$Fizz says:

      Now really? Who is she there to hang with you or the phone? You really have to tell her that you don’t appreciate being ignored. Who’s phone is she using? And does she really have to talk on the phone with with you there? There is 24 hours in a day and that includes time for friends and personal time. I think she had her schedule all jacks up.there is a time and place for everything.

  21. Anna says:

    HELP ME PLEASE!! guys hear:
    when we change classes my group of friends dissapear so i was in class C with my now bff and there was another group that also disapear and a girl named camila start going out with us and stay in recess together and things like that, and we use her as a third wheel in bicycle, it sounds bad but all of us do it. well so camila now is starting like talking ill with one about the other one or making us the thrid wheel, so my friend and I don´t want to keep going out with her and things like that so I don´t want to leave camila alone but i don´t know what to do!!!!

  22. Chaitanya Bhat says:

    I have a group of friends in college. We were really good friends till last year. This year, though, something has happened and we’ve somehow broken apart. They make plans, but it doesn’t bother them whether I’m there or not. Also, I have a friend who hates these guys, but she’s nice to me. Due to some reasons, I’m now forced to take sides. The whole group has turned on me and have singled me out because they think I have a dual nature. Please tell me what I should do.

    • Cherry$Fizz says:

      I think you should have a choice on who you want to be friends with.It’s clearly not the right of people you hang with nor is it moral for them to make you choose who your friends are. It really doesn’t make sense to have to choose sides. Your friends should respect your decisions weather they agree or not. But do consider both sides…like if the group you are with are a bunch of junkies or the other person is just plain shady well then those are example of people to stay from. I had two best friend at one point. Both friends broke up so now we just hang out at different times. It’s crazy how friends can put each other in exile. I guess I was just lucky.

  23. AnonymousOne says:

    I’ve just checked this blog, and yeah decided to ask some advice for my problem:) … I have a friend for 2 years, then when we reached third year, we were like strangers to one another… i really dont know whats the problem, when i tried to follow one of your advice at the top like confronting him, it didn’t work out, and he’s avoiding me everytime i attempt to make a conversation…. Please, I’m really glad if you reply soon… I don’t want to end this school year with him like that. 🙂

    • Mikhail Sultan says:

      u should go and ask him/her “why r u avoiding me” that’s it,, and let u know if he’s mad of u or smth 🙂

  24. Victoria says:

    I’ve been best friends with this girl going on 4 years now. She just started college in the fall and I’m still a junior in high school. We were always with each other. We hung out every day of the summer except for 2 weeks. Now she’s starting 2nd semester and I feel like she’s replacing me and has no time for me. Lately all we’ve been doing is fighting and its really tearing us apart. I try to confront her about it but she never wants to talk about it. The sad thing is the girl who’s she’s replacing me with is a year younger than me and they never hung out until she went college and she’s using her to stay up there almost every weekend to hang out and go to parties. I’m having a really hard time on how to fix this without making her have to choose between us. We’re basically like sisters and it hurts so bad that she’s forgetting me for someone who is just using her. I need major help and advice!

  25. Katy says:

    Recently I have had a couple of issues with my friend. She is close friends with someone I can’t stand and me her and another good friend of mine were supposed to go shopping together. She invited along the person I don’t like and didn’t ask me because she new I’d say no. I was really looking forward to the trip and she knows I don’t like the girl. All day my friend hardly said a word to me and completely ignored me and my other friend as they were all about themselves. The girl I don’t get on with was attention seeking and acted like a baby. I was talking to my friends mum about pet peeves and I said mine was inviting someone somewhere without asking. Then she got very protective and said I was putting her daughter in a bad place. She was rather horrible and I went home and actually cried. I don’t know if I’m over reacting but I just thought it was out of order. My friend is always messing me about and I don’t know weather to just forget about her or not.
    I don’t know what to do please help me.
    I am a teenager xxx

    • Alice Gorty says:

      I’m in the same position as you, but the best thing is to try to talk to your friend, in private, without that other girl. Try to explain your feelings to her, and tell her, and ask why she’s stopped being so close to you. When the other girl is being annoying, just ignore her. If you get annoyed with her, your friend will be surprised at your “rudeness” and you may even get further apart. If the other girl has any sense at all, maybe try to tell her how you feel. If they keep excluding you, it’s best instead of hanging around them, just make new friends… This may be very difficult, but try to have as many friends as possible, so you’re never alone.
      Hope I helped! 🙂

  26. jackie beaty says:

    i had a friend for years we talked every day .she came on the phone one day cool indifferent one day we were young moms .i could tell by her tone she wanted the relationship to end .i cried so hard i personally have no extended. family lost my mother very young .i laugh cut up and was always alot of fun in school .i know it sounds unbelieveable to people .when you have no relatives you are very vulnerable .you probably do come across available and needy threw no fault of your own .i never say i got to go catch you later .when people call me iam always accomadateing .now iam older not good socially .travel with my husband .i dont see myself ever haveing a close friend ,they have moved died ,i will hear from people for weddings or showers i get the friendly what have you been up to phone call. ialways go i cant imagine shareing years of girl talk good times and walking out of the relationship ,like it never happened.its like a death to have a friend for so long i remember every close friend i had since childhood .will never forget the happiness of haveing them there.i guess that sounds pretty corny sorry about that if never had a dear friend ,you wouldnt know the lonnlinest of not haveing one. if you had one for years you can take comfort someone valued you.

  27. Jessica says:

    Look so, I’ve had a friendship for 2 years already. But, I transferred classes this year 🙁 Well, I have two best friends in the other class. And well, they have been hanging out a lot together lately 🙁 Sometimes, it’s like I’m not even there :'( For example, when we play handball, it’s like only the two of them are playing, I mean I could leave and they wouldn’t notice. One time they even ditched me on the bus :'( They didn’t notice I was there till like halfway there. I mean I love them but, I wanna tell my friends my feelings but, I feel like theyd think bad of me. :'( Please give me some advice.

    • Irene says:

      HI Jessica,

      There are a number of posts on this blog about some of the challenges that occur with threesomes. Try to use the search function to bring up some previous articles on this topic.

      Hope this helps!

      Best, Irene

    • Someone says:

      Okay i think i MIGHT have the same problem but the other girl is just my friend not best friend, i can understand you feel left out but you should try making some OTHER friends.
      P.S:if you try to make them jealous it might work but i can suspect it could end up badly.

  28. Anonymous says:

    My best friend says she hates a girl and then hangs out with her over me 🙁 I can’t believe it. Now she’s coming over but I feel like she’d rather be somewhere else I hate her then I love her…ahhhhhh help me

    • naisaya says:

      why would you take your friend someone private cause what if you get caught one day and you get in trouble.

  29. Anonymous says:


    • Cherry$Fizz says:

      Dude is over sorry. Dating besties never ends well to begin with plus you cheated now she hates your guts. I’ve done both…but never at the same time.ouch! Like I dated my bf and we broke up things were never the same after that.so I dated her best friend after that. Well that sure ended our fake friendship real quick. So yea never date your bf’s bf that’s also a horrible mistake…lesson learned…jeez I’m a sleez… I cheated once now she hates my guts and my love will never talk to me again. So yea I feel your anguish a bit. That’s just something you need to come to terms with and realize that it was wrong and there is nothing you can do to change that.It’s time to move on because if she won’t pick up the phone no matter how much you call…Well she sure as he’ll ain’t waiting around for you.and life goes on.

  30. Anonymous says:


  31. Anonymous says:

    Wow I never even thought of it like that before, come to think of it she deflects all the time onto me, when all Iam doing is expressing myself, being honest with her over how the things she has done or said. I wasn`t even aware of her emotional abuse or thatshe does that,.I do enjoy her comapny,(or use to anyways_) and she is still very dear to me, its just I am tired of feeling used, left out and not valued., so I am going to do as you both have suggested, I am going to let her fade away. The friendship is in her hands, if she wants to be a part of my life then she will act like it, and make an effort to show that she is still the bestfriend I thought she was. Thanks so much for your wise words, honest comments, I highly apperciated it, even though the truth does hurt. Thanks <3

  32. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, we have our great moments and share lots of memories, but looking back now she always had traists of being an emotionally abusive friend..I was always made to believe that it was mhy fault for her anger outbursts or cruel comments, but now that I am older I am starting to come to my senses. Thank you so much for your comment, your honest advice gave me some perspective.

  33. Anonymous says:

    You wish she may appreciate and value you but unfortunately her behaviour shows she doesn’t. If she is accusing you of being sensitive or defensive when you want to communicate that is manipulative on her part – it means she doesn’t want to take ownership of her own mean, nasty behaviour and, instead, wants to deflect it back on you, so that you feel bad instead of her (for her behaviour towards you) Friendship is a two way street – you can’t carry it all on your shoulders and do all the work – all the energy is going her way. This is why you feel exhausted because your life energy is being drained by this person you call “friend” Since you can’t communicate without her deflecting it back (and making you feel bad for HER behaviour) and she is being emotionally abusive towards you, then, seriously consider cutting the ties; not being there to be her emotional punching bag. It sounds like it is really taking a toll on you. Don’t feel bad for your investment and putting your heart in because your intent was good – but don’t allow this person to control you and drain you for any more time either – you’re life and time is worth more than this. You deserve better than to be treated this way – she has shown her true colours and will not change, only you can change by not allowing yourself to be treated like crap. If she gets mad, let her – she already is anyways, and you can’t be continually responsible for her negative emotions. Like the Buddha says “if someone gives you a gift and you don’t accept it, then who does that gift belong to?” Don’t accept her baggage into your life – it belongs to her. You have the choice to take it or don’t – just because you have history does not mean she has the right to be inconsiderate and rude towards you; you are not obligated to put up with this treatment. Let her fade and put your energy into people who make you feel good and who you can communicate with. Be strong because she likely will play the victim when you don’t want to play this role anymore, and she will find someone else to drain off and you can be free to spend your time in healthy relationships.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Was there a time when the friendship was better than this, because it doesn’t sound much like a good friendship to me. And your last statement… “I feel taken advantage of., like she knows whatever she says or does to me(sometimes some really rude insenstive things), Ill still be there for her at the end of the day.” … makes me think maybe you need to stop being there for her at the end of the day because you don’t seem to be very happy with this friendship. So why are you holding on to it?

  35. Anonymous says:

    Did you ever think that maybe she was never your bestfriend to begin with? The past twelve years it sounds like you have built her and the relationship up way to much, and now your senses are coming to you.

  36. Anonymous says:

    I have an issue with my bestfriend of twelve years, its a little unsettling and troubling at times. I have for the past year been feeling that she doesn`t want to make the effort to be bestfriends with me anymore. She is easily provoked, throws insulting words out of anger at me over the minorest of things, and when I do get upset or show that I am insulted by it she gets defensive, and then suddenley she wants her space so I won`t hear from her for a coupele days..Not only that but I call all the shots, the one who calls her to initate conversation or make plans, even though I am the busier one(full time student, work,) i always make time for her and our friendship, however, when the tables turned around I go weeks without hearing from her. And get this,she starts looking up my bus times earlier in the evening when I am over at her house, which to me is rude, i feel like I am being pushed out the door..
    Anyways if anyone has any advice what i should do or what should I say to her without her accussing me as just being ‘senstive’ or gettting defensive.
    She only makes the effort to hang out in large group gatherings or if other mutual friends of ours are present too. I am fine either way, but I am also exhausted of carrying this friendship on my own shoulders..I just wish she would value me , appericate me more, I feel taken advantage of., like she knows whatever she says or does to me(sometimes some really rude insenstive things), Ill still be there for her at the end of the day.

  37. Anonymous says:

    i know how does it feels when someone steal ur frend from u,no one can understand this feeling better then me ..cos even i had frend a very close frend n we use to say people we r BFF but i guess these were only her words n not feelings..wenever i used to b wid someone..she was always there to destroy that friendship of mine n make fun of me in every way possible she could….but still we have to keep going on…

  38. Anonymous says:

    The same thing happens to me. I have this used to be a good friend, K. Then, in high school we started to grow apart and I made another friend, M. However, K just started poaching M away from me. Now, K and M are excluding me and teasing me (but not in a good way, like a hurtful way). Still, whenever K sees me talking to a new friend of mine, she just jumps in the conversation and poaches her away from me. I have no idea what to do when this happens, because I can’t just say “Go away” without me sounding mean. I know that K is a quiet person when she’s alone, but once she sees me, she leeches on and steals away my friends. When K is when M, then she just starts mocking me. The only thing she talks about with me is all my lesser qualities and the things that I could’ve done better and she laughs at me. I have no idea what to do.

    I agree that if they are quick to alienate, then they weren’t worth keeping, but new friends and new people are always looking for new friends.

  39. Anonymous says:

    A friend has moved on, whatever that may mean, and seems to leave you in the dust except for infrequent emails to tell you what all she is doing. She doesn’t want to really interact, but wants to stay in touch by exchanging occasional e-mails that update you. Is NOT interested in talking to you or with you about anything but what she’s doing, all the changes in her life. So the friendship is on shaky ground. Then, she gets married or remarried. And then history gets rewritten, and the story she tells herself and anyone who asks her why you are withdrawing completely from her is that you couldn’t handle her getting married or remarried again. That’s happened to me recently and I resent being cast as the jealous villain who resented her new life as a wife. I resented her having given me the heave-ho before the new man enetered her life. But she doesn’t acknowledge that. What she will never know is that had she now downgraded me and had she and I remained friends in the true sense, I would have been her biggest supporter when she decided to get remarried. I would not have raised doubts in her like some of her other friends did, suggesting she was too old to get married. I actually did tell her to go with her heat and remarry if that’s what she wanted, and to ignore the nay sayers. But that didn’t mean I wanted to be kept in the downsized mode, where she only contacts me to tell me all the things they are doing and then not ask or care about me and my family.

  40. WonderWhy says:

    While I agree with the friendship problem examples that Irene listed, I can’t say that her solutions fit for everyone’s situation. Like the friendship poaching problem. She suggests trying to maintain a friendship with the friend who poaches your other friends. I had one friend, Cassandra, who poached every good friend of mine away from me which 1) made me end my friendship with Cassandra and 2) made me question the validity of the friendships I lost because of her. If you lose a friend to a friendship poacher, then it’s my opinion that both those women aren’t worth the effort to maintain a friendship with if they are so quick to alienate me from their friendship.

  41. Anonymous says:

    I cannot completely relate to your situation as my closest friend was for seven years a part of my life. It was devastating to me, too. In my case, I work in the same facility as her. For me, too, it was and still is a very sad experience. I, too, feel betrayed. I do believe in the goodness of life and friendship. What I have come to learn is that not everyone respects friendship as much as me. Now I’m not saying I’m perfect – far from it! – but I do believe in working things out and respecting others. I don’t believe in running away either. Alas, my friend (and seemingly your friend) did not. It’s sad when there’s no closure. We have to accept it even if we don’t understand it. Somehow, we must go on. As time goes on, it gets better, but it’s never forgotten (at least not yet). All the best to you.

  42. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for your kind thoughts. I empathize with you as well. There is no lesson here, unfortunately. It is simply one of the random heartbreaks of life, caused by a thoughtless and self-centered person who did not consider the impact of her actions on the life and feelings of a friend she once cared about.

    In my heart, I try to offer this unevolved individual some measure of forgiveness, although I know she is not sorry, because she is incapable of feeling for another. I try to forgive because holding a grudge will only hurt me, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

    Other than that, I can only hope that time will help dull this pain (although an unresolved grief never really heals). I can survive it, but I cannot bring it to closure, because that process requires two willing individuals.

  43. Anonymous says:

    *loosing (lol!) meant LOSING

  44. Anonymous says:

    I couldn’t agree more! It took me 7 years to go thru the entire grieving process of being dumped by my best friend. We were only BFF’s for 3 years (attached at the hip) but it hurt terribly. I can only imagine loosing someone after 35 years! My heart goes out to you. It’s a hard lesson to learn isn’t it? Letting go….

  45. Anonymous says:

    Only the most cruel and self-centered person would dump a close friend of thirty-five years, without explanation, not giving that friend the courtesy of being able to reach some closure about the end of the friendship.

    This happened to me, and it has been the most upsetting enigma of my life. Five years have gone past, and although I have made numerous attempts to reconnect with this friend and seek at least an explanation, she has remained indifferent and silent.

    I read Dr. Levine’s book and began subscribing to this blog partially in response to this devastating situation. My conclusion: No pat advice will help. It is only one of those very sad experiences in life, that somehow one must deal with throughout the course of one’s life.

    My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced such a sad betrayal. All I can say is, try to continue to believe in the goodness of life and friendship. There are good BFF’s out there, even though you got burned by someone revealing her true colors. Keep faith and keep on keeping on.

  46. Anonymous says:

    I have seen it happen to other friends and its unfortunate. In situations like that, best to downgrade the friendship or let it go. It stinks, but sometimes, that is the way it goes. Let that person initiate contact, and if they never make an effort to make a call, send an email to say hi, that says enough. Another way to evaluate the friendship, ask yourself “If you met the person today, would you be friends?” If yes, try to talk to the friend to address issues. If no, then its time to move on and make room for people who care enough to make the effort.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Your friend gets married, has a family and never hear from her. You are always the one initiating the phone calls, getting together on her terms. On the rare occasion you do hear from friend, friend never asks about your life. Conversation is all about raising kids.

  48. Anonymous says:

    Here’s one:
    Your friend has become more successful: more money, fame, opportunities to do things with the fabulous set. This could be because she has earned it through work or married into it. Or maybe she’s just in a profession where she is meeting lots of interesting people. Or maybe she’s suddenly a convert to a new religion, church, cause, or hobby. You find yourself feeling like you are cramping her style and all she does it throw you crumbs. Or are you just being too sensitive and imagining it? What do you do?

    • Anymonous says:

      HELP! I am sooooo sad! My friend is really mad at me and will not tell me why. I think that she is mad at me, because I am frustarated with her. The thing is that I feel left out with get and get best friend. I want to be her best friend. I know that will never happen though. H

    • Anymonous says:

      HELP! I am sooooo sad! My friend is really mad at me and will not tell me why. I think that she is mad at me, because I am frustarated with her. The thing is that I feel left out with get and get best friend. I want to be her best friend. I know that will never happen though. How do I accept that? How do I stop feeling left out and make her stop being mad at me? I can not talk to her bt any of this, because she said that I start too much drama. Plus, I do not want her to know that I an jealous. What should I do?

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