• Resolving Problems

5 Not-So-Simple Rules for Mending A Broken Friendship

Published: September 3, 2022 | Last Updated: September 3, 2022 By | 92 Replies Continue Reading

Mending a broken friendship isn’t always easy but if the friendship is valuable to you, it’s worth a try.

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don’t last forever.

In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there’s a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch: Half of our friendships change over that time period.

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure—relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets—our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings—resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once-perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life.

Given all the transitions that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering, and managing careers, just to name a few), it’s not surprising that friendships fray.

Anne’s story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable.

Sometimes it’s clear that a friendship is too broken to fix. But if you have doubts, there are steps you can take to repair a tattered friendship.


So what can you do to fix a broken friendship? Here are some tips for mending a broken friendship and getting over the inevitable bumps:

1) Communicate

There’s a wall of silence between you. She isn’t answering your text messages or voicemails and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven’t seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day.

What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue.

If there’s any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what’s wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong—or who didn’t do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake.

Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester into big ones. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn’t going to work.

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to preserve the friendship.

Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

4) Take a break

You’ve approached your friend to sort out the problem and you’ve been ignored or rebuffed.

Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a “friendship sabbatical”) to realize how much you mean to each other.

On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others.

Your relationship may be based primarily on shared history and your lives at present have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren’t clear.

Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems.

  • If they speak to men, they’re likely to be accused of catfighting.
  • If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal.

As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about—except on The Friendship Blog.com.:-)


A friendship too broken to fix?

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  1. ramu says:

    Hey! The solutions you have are great but my problem is a little different. Me and m best friend were really close last year, and even during the summer. We used to “argue” a lot last year, but it was usually as a joke. Now we have started arguing more and I can feel rage seeping into both of our voices when ever we argue, which is practically all the time. He lives in the same house as me yet he chooses not to hang out me most of the time. He instead leaves the house as soon as possible and comes home very late. Everything I say aggravates him, and every action will annoy him. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

  2. shubham says:

    I had a friend she was close friend and. One day I have not told her that I eat non veg and flirt with other girls and friend request from that day she blocked me on whatsaap and Facebook, I don’t no what I have done and another thing was other day she came on my character and you flirt with all girls. And said I never want to meet you.

  3. sherry says:

    At scl in grade 7th I made a frnd we get closed fast but after a few months of frndship she left me for no reason and chose some other girls over me I was a foolish kind but I think that’s how we are in childhood then for 2 yrs straight she won’t talk to me I would catch her smiling at my jokes cuz I was the funny kind..then we went our separate ways I Changed scl so did she…I didn’t hear from her for 6 yrs straight but then one day she send me a MSg through a social site and asked me to forgive her and she had been through a lot we exchanged a few msgs she said that she want that frndship back and she would do anything to get that back but I was rude to her abt the heart ache she caused me now when months have passed I haven’t heard from her…u text her but she doesn’t reply as if I was the one who wanted that frndship back…I don’t know why again I’m missing her though I have great frnds…I just want her to text me sounds ridiculous..I’m never at ease if she hadn’t came back I wouldn’t have been feeling this down emotionally

  4. Anonymous says:

    I had a friend that I’d known for years, and she was like a sister to me. Then one day, she just stopped talking to me. I don’t know what I did, and I still don’t know why she decided not to be my friend anymore. She hasn’t spoken to me for about a year, although I’ve tried to talk to her. I don’t hate her, and I’m not even angry at her. I just want to know why she did what she did. Although to tell the truth, it wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t decided to make the rest of my friends stop talking to me as well…

  5. Allylynna says:

    Friends are the greatest blessing. Losing them is a curse. Finding new ones is amazing.

  6. TARDIS says:

    Hi! I lost my bff back in late April because of a fight. I had gotten over it, then all of a sudden I started back crying about it and thinking about her every night. Anyways, I have a thing to share it’s by me, but it’s a Timelord perspective.
    I’m the Doctor. I’m a Timelord. That means, I’ve got two hearts, both of them love you, my best friend. Yet when you break my trust, as you did, one of my hearts stopped beating. Soon I could no longer regenerate, and I knew my life was coming to an end. The months went by, I did not die, as I was still waiting for you. The second I saw you again, my second heart began to beat, because forever is forever, through time an space, forever you will be my friend.

  7. BFFFL says:

    I lost my BFF to a liar. I wanted to say something about this again because somehow someway I hope you see this Macy. I miss you. You were my BFFFL I hope to see you at the festival. Love you.

  8. Annalynn says:

    Well, me and my BFF stopped talking because of a lying jerk that got between our friendship. We have not talked in 5 months except she said hi about 3 months ago, but I ignored her, then again since we weren’t talking, I wasn’t quite sure if she was talking to me. I feel really bad, but there is no where I would see her anymore. I might see her next month, but for some reason, right now I can’t get her off my mind. She was my best friend, I miss her, but I’m scared to talk to her. HELP!

    • Beca says:

      You need to reach out to her, you cannot let other people take away your friendships, and if she means anything to you, you have to put everything asside and talk to her, if she said hi to you she might be as affraid to talk to you as you are to talk to her, but don’t give up.
      Pick up the phone and call her or send her a text, or better yet, write her a letter telling her how bad you feel and that you want to restore your friendship. Goos luck!

      • Annalynn says:

        Thank you. People like you are starting to help build up my courage. I think I’m going to talk to her when I see her in a month, maybe even write her a letter. If she’s not there I’m going to send her a email or go and see her. Thanks again.

    • Annalynn says:

      BTW I’m still Annalynn! My email is diff. LOL! I’ll keep you fellow heart-broken friends up to date with what happens with me and my friend! If you don’t hear anything by the end of Oct. just wait, I may not see her, but I’m going to see her someday… BTW I forgot There are two friend, one I miss more than the other (they are sisters but one doesn’t understand…) Please pray 🙂 We need this, we haven’t talked in 5 months and I’m scared but I’m facing my fears Oct. 3rd. 🙂 Heart! (h)

  9. anonymous says:

    My best friend and I have been friends for one and half years… we were so close we did everything together. . Recently I find out there’s this guy that likes me. I told him I just want to be friends. But he won’t accept it. I told my best friend I need help with that. She replied long after I sent the text, so by then it was to late to tell him how I felt. It was also my fault because I only read the message 20 minutes later. In the messages it says that she gives up with trying to help me. Being a bit mad and guilty I apologized and said she needs to as well since she also replied late. She then took things the wrong way and said that shes not on the phone 24/7 and the world doesnt evolve around me only. I got so mad I replied back with comments like she was never there for me when I needed her the most, she replied with really nasty comments and backfired it on me… I feel like it isnt all my fault, but I sort of started it… should I apologize…. I feel like I shouldnt because I never wanted it to go that way.. I really want our friendship to last… please help me

    • AnonyMouse says:

      well, eventually you will need to talk to her about it, you both need to lower each other’s pride, it’s difficult I know but you need to toughen up, the friendship you both shared, the memories, those are important, it hurts if you can’t remember them together now right?
      Fight for your friendship, and don’t let the guy get in the way because he’s just a guy, there are so many guys in the world and they’ll keep multiplying, but friends are hard to find, and I’m talking about REAL friends, as in, best friends, you don’t know it but maybe she’s also hurting, and wants to be your friend again, if she can’t talk to you, make the first move. Goodluck

  10. anonymous6 says:

    I’ve known my best friend since 2002, we became friends in high school, we became super close and would always write to each other, we would even write journals together. As time passed we grew apart, we still talk but not as much as I would want to, I really love her and miss her, we are both married and with kids, I know we are both busy and living 400 miles apart doesn’t help much. I do not want to lose her, every time I think about our old times together I wish I could go back and live some of those moments. She has always been reserved with her feelings but I am an open book, I always tell her how I feel and how much she means to me, not sure if she likes that but I do it anyway. Is it that bad to show so much affection for your best friend even when you’re adults?

    • lolumad? says:

      That sounded like a pretty sweet friendship. Sorry if it doesn’t work out in the future but it’s not bad to show to much affection. You two were besties! If I still had my best friend at this age, trust me, I would be so affection full she may just punch me, yet, it’s not bad. You love you’re BFF too much affection is better than no affection. This sounds like a good friendship, don’t loose it!

      • Beca says:

        Thank you!! I feel the same way, to me our friendship is one of a kind, a blessing.

        • Allylynna says:

          Isn’t every friendship? Friendships are the only things keeping us whole. Without them, we would be like a broken pencil, we would have no point! 🙂

      • Allylynna says:

        There’s a song and it says:
        You’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back, you’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast these are some good times, so take a good look around you may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this. 🙂 I miss those times I had with my bff, missing her isn’t doing any good. Going to talk to her! 🙂

  11. Bee says:

    Hi. I feel terrible. I did something out of concern & fear for a friend. A good friend. This happened quite some time ago but she found out it was me & now hates me. I never meant any harm. Not at all. This was something I was basically tricked into disclosing and feel terrible. Husband is angry with me for allowing myself to be fooled into saying. Feel like crap.

    • Annalynn says:

      Hi, Bee. If you weren’t married, I would begin to think you were my ex-BFF! I think you need to try to ether, talk to her, or talk to yourself (sounds crazy but I would try it.) Think about how she feels, think about how you feel. Try to understand her. Then maybe talk to her. Maybe she isn’t just all mad, she may be afraid. Afraid of being hurt by you again or that you will say something that will ruin your friendship forever. I miss my BFF like crazy, but in my case, she needs to come to me because she was the one who hurt me. That could be how your friend feels if she won’t talk to you. Best of luck!

  12. B says:

    I have had two friends for over a year and about six months ago we had a fight. They told me they were sick of me but I’m not sick of them.. I really miss them a lot.. Every time I see a picture of them together or the two of them talking or laughing I get really upset and nearly resort to tears. The two of them were my best friends.. I thought 🙁
    I’d give anything to be friends with them again. Since the fight it also seems like a few of my other friends are cold with me too. I can’t handle it anymore.
    Is there anything I should do? I apologised but they rubbed it off. It’s been 6 months since the fight and they absolutely hate me. I don’t know why. Don’t know what I did. We were on holidays and it just happened. I really really miss them and talking and laughing with them. I just want so badly to be friends with them. I’ve tried talking to them and they say bits but I know that they hate me. I’ve heard them talking about me literally behind my back. I’ve cried way too many times over this and I try to forget.. but it keeps running through my mind. I just can’t deal with this anymore I want to be friends with them again :(.

    • Annalynn says:

      You sound like me, I’m in a very similar area here. Do you know why they don’t like you anymore? If you did something, talk to them, let them know you’re true feelings, if they still rub you off. You don’t need friends like that.

    • Tia says:

      Hey, me and my 2 friends had this same problem, but, I was one of those girls who had stopped talking to that one friend. Me and that one friend were so close (friends for over 6 years)(Her name is Ebony) and i wanted to make a new friend, so I found a new friend and thought us 3 could get along.. But then me and the new friend I made (Andrea) got really close and started to leave Ebony out, and over the holidays, we stopped talking to Ebony as much, we gossipped about her, she tried to move on, she found a new friend (Taylah) and became really close, then I got very jealous.. and tried to apoligize to Ebony, she didn’t forgive me for a while, but in the end she did and we are best friends again… The jealousy I had for her and Taylah was exactly how she felt about Andrea and I , and I didn’t like Taylah , I thought she stole my best friend, but really I ran away from her… so maybe the advice I’m giving you is, make a new friend they dont like, become really close to her (make it look like you guys are close) and then maybe they might get jealous and want u back? this situation was how I got my best friend back 🙂

      • Annalynn says:

        The problem is, Tia, we don’t see each other anymore, we don’t go to the same school, and there’s really no way she would know. The only way I could try to get her to notice me was by dating one of her ex’s-that’s NOT going to happen. I’ve spent almost a year crying about it when really I don’t need to, except she never leaves my mind. I have nightmares. I miss her. I’m going to work up the courage to send her an email. I know I was kinda a drama queen about what happened-but let’s face it she did the worst thing. We were best friends, she was the only one who understood me, but I’m afraid if I try to work things out, she’ll just hate me and turn away from me, confirming my fears. Her birthday is May 21, I believe I’ll write her an email near then. I have a friend who tries to help me figure this out (she’s a life saver sometimes) and she says it’s our age difference. That shouldn’t matter. She made friends with someone I hate she knew that, and she lied about it. She claimed she wasn’t friends with her, that she was pretending because it was her boyfriend’s sister. (Now ex-boyfriend) We became distant, when we talked, it was about her boyfriend, and that was on email, at school (when we went to the same one) she was always with her. I should have known. I miss telling her everything. I want to fix this. I will soon, hopefully. Shout out to everyone, don’t me like me, don’t lose your best friend, don’t mess everything up, don’t be a drama queen, don’t ruin it. Once we had a fight, before the last one, and when we made up she said things would never be the same, and now, after this fight, I believe she will be right, like she always is… I miss her.

  13. Sween says:

    Sorry cz my English is not gud bt plz read nd undrstnd wid my emotions….

    We r three best frndz everytym connected wid whatsapp nd other modes etc etc nd enjy fabulous lyf bt one day my frnd saying i think u lyk me and I said NO.cz my frnd already committed nd dat boyfriend not too much spend tym wid my frnd nd alwyz fight wid him on dis topic….bt I advice to my frnd please space to him nd ur bf realize what he lose….bt my friend angry wid me nd said y u tell abt my bf nd I said ur my frnd if m nt give ur advice den who’z tell u and dat day she dnt talk wid me nd my third frnd also dnt talk wid me cz she said m ur bst frnd through dis frnd…bt heartly said m not wrong nd I wish plz both come back nd I advice to all frnds plz dnt advice to frndz if they r in relationship…..

    Frndz plz suggest me what should I do cz last one month m not talk nd both block me on every social sites..

  14. Sevengreen says:

    I had a special friend back in high school, she was the best I could ever have in my life. She always said not to fall in love cause that would most probably ruin our friendship. But, of course, as a guy I could not help it. Especially we were together from morning to noon almost every day and at night we chat each other till one falls asleep. I love her, now & then. When I confessed to her, she was sort of cool with it she did not ignored me or something like that.
    But then this transferee which happened to be one of my friends became her boyfriend. I was devastated & I was mad even if I had not the means to be. I started ignoring her. Then months past they broke up and turns out there was nothing so special between them. We started to be friends again.
    More days past, I began to realize that no way in hell, will this beautiful, funny, smart, and to-good-to-be-hurt-lady be mine. I was sad cause of that thought, I started to ignore her again. From time to time we had this small but pretty serious conversations, and being me I couldn’t give her an answer.
    Time passed and here I am at college at second year. Not a single girl now can be compared to her, I haven’t even tried anything to any girl. Every day and every night, I’m thinking of her and what would we be now if I had chosen to be with her despite the fact of losing without even trying. Everytime something reminds me of her deep thoughts destroys my mind, I realized I’m crazy about this girl and I would be hunted by this for the rest of my life if I will not do the right thing, it would be a major regret.
    I want to talk to her, I badly want to but the thing is. I don’t know how. How do you talk to a girl and say that you love her after ignoring her and putting her in the biggest stupid, dumb mistake you made? I don’t know what to do, I’m to afraid, I’m a stupid damn coward, I’m a bloody disgrace and huge humiliation to all men. Seriously that’s how I feel. Please help me, I’m dying for one more chance with her, just one more.

  15. sharayu says:

    before 4 months very badly i ditched my best friend named aditi. she was best friend i ever found. she always tried to make me a perfect person like her. she was a perfect balanced person and clever,honest,truthful,helping natured,etc. really i hated her very very badly. but it was unintentionally happened by me. i never tried to cheat her intentionally. i really love her a lot still…and she too…but still i dont know whats the exact problem of her to be with me? i really miss her a lot….she made me strong and a better person to face the world with an excellent courage…miss you aditi…love you a lot

    • Allylynna says:

      If you ditched her, she may be very hurt. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt her, she probably feels very hurt and maybe even confused. Talk to her, tell her you’re side and don’t let her speak until you’re done then let her speak, afterwards, discuss what each of you don’t understand. If you still want to be her friend (don’t lie, my bff lied to protect me, that hurt me even more.) really try to make her understand why you did what you did. I don’t know everything, but this is just what I can scramble together. Best of luck!!!

  16. pamela says:

    i am having problems with this girl named Saige and we use to be really good friends and she has now stop being friends with my friend Jason and i and she is saying that him and i was causing drama between her and her boyfriend and i keep telling her that i did not start any of it and that it was my other friend that was starting the drama about them not me so i need some advice on how i can fix the friendship any advice will be great

  17. R.l says:

    I need help, I have a friend but I lost her, we used to be best of friends talk everyday and stuff, we planned to meet and he let me down, she wouldn’t meet with me again he didn’t want to speak to me again or anything, she said I pushed it to the limit that I was too annoying for her but we spoke everyday sometimes she would tart the convisation also it’s been about a week and I messaged her yesterday saying alright but no answer, I really want to save this friendship but how can I get her back and find out what she’s not telling me she won’t meet me at all or text back at all. Why ? I don’t know she said I was clingey or something I said no way don’t ever say that, and people are saying I like we in that way but I don’t, but why won’t she answer me and solve this situation I need help an I don’t know what to do, shall I just turn up at her house? No because its creepie, shall I ring her? NO because she’ll just want it to be over and she’ll think I don’t get the answer that she doesn’t want to be friends again. If anyone can help please say what I should do it’s been a long time now and she still won’t speak or meet me or text back any help???

  18. Eve says:

    I need a little advice.I’m a female, first year college student. I used to know this guy and we were pretty good friends when we were younger (like elementary age)and we lived around the corner from each other for 11 years and our families became pretty good friends. But when we got into middle school I started to go through a lot of emotional stuff and I wasn’t very nice to him (although I had a HUGE crush on him). I might have done and said somethings that weren’t very nice and we eventually grew apart. He was always nice to me and friendly, but distant. It’s been bothering me the past few years and I wanted to send him a letter, apologizing for how I acted towards him. But now I recently found out he’s joined the military and my question is, is it appropriate for me to send him an apology letter?

    • Gwendolyn Ram says:

      Why would joining the military make a difference. Always best to mend a friendship if you can, I would think.

  19. BlueMonkee says:

    I’ve lost my best friend and I’m heart broken.
    We met at work 6 yrs ago and hit it off straight away and became very close to the point that everybody knew we were really close which for a guy n a girl is pretty cool.
    She leant on me when she needed to and I her. We turned to eachother.
    Due to several “issues” in my life, I misunderstood just how important she was/is to me and decided “must be in love with her” – which I now know I am not.
    I love her with all my heart and at any time of day or night, I will willingly drop ANYTHING I’m doing to help my friend.
    But I made the huge error of telling her my feelings.
    The problem is, know I’m not in love with her, romantically that is. I love her dearly and with all of me but not as a “love interest”.
    Even though I’m going through some real crap stuff at the moment (things she would’ve been there for me for), I have told her I was wrong, that I do love her but “not like that”.
    Despite her saying she really values me, my friendship with her, our friendship together and she cares about me, EVERYTHING has changed.
    She says things won’t go back to how things were right away and that it’s going to take time to be close again but she’s just so distant now.
    A “hello”, a cuppa and a general “chin wag” is all there is and I want to mend things so so badly but she doesn’t seem to be giving the same shit about this I do.
    She seems casual and aloof.
    I want my friend back cos the whole thing is really upsetting me.
    Do I carry on with the status quo and just “sit it out” until she’s ready for friendship again?
    I don’t know what to do and feel so lost without her.
    I know you’re all going to say – ” you’re in love with her” but I know I’m not.she isn’t my type in terms of gf but as a friend, she’s everything.
    Help anyone?

    • Laura says:

      I don’t care what anyone says about men and women being able to be platonic friends, I think it’s next to impossible to pull off, given how close you became, especially with the day to day contact of seeing each other at work.

      It sounds like you need to give her space. There’s nothing you can do at this point but wait it out. However, it would be much healthier to focus on other people rather than sitting around waiting for her.

      • BlueMonkee says:

        Thanks Laura

      • BlueMonkee says:

        Wow.for what ever reason, the rest of my reply has vanished.oh the irony.
        I guess being strong (she was my strength) and letting time pass will reveal what she wants.
        My horrible gut feeling though is that I’ve lost my closest friend and it breaks my heart.

        • izme says:

          Oh BlueMonkee, I hear you. My best friend is a man, and we’ve been so close, I utterly adore him. I love him and treasure him more than any other. Underneath are some romantic feelings for him, but not in love. ..it’s like, I love him so much it must be romantic love, right? Anyways, I got all weird when he was falling for a woman and I gave him space but he felt dumped. It’s been 2 1/2months and I’ve cried every day, missing him.
          He slowly started being open to texts again, but I had to let him disappear as needed, but I kept on saying I love and treasure him and just let him have his time and space. It was horrible the cold and distance.
          Slowly slowly it looks like our friendship may be repaired…it won’t be the same and that’s ok, I’m hoping it’ll be an even better version of what it was, even though there have been wounds.

          My point is: find a way to surrender and let it be as it is, without giving up and walking away. Apologise. Ask for a second chance. Let her know your door is open and she can take all the time she needs. And then surrender again and let it be as it is.

  20. Anj says:

    Hey! This problem of mine is really long. Would you mind take time to read this? I really have no idea what to do.
    I had a friend which I just met this school year. She is good friend that made me so glad with. She is not my classmate but she came from the other section. Then there was one event in our school. And it was the election for the Student Government next year. So she was running for representative. Then one of my classmates told me about something that made me not to vote her. I was feeling bad for what I was doing. But for the understanding of my friends, I was doing the right thing because I am voting the right person for the sake of our school. Then it was the time for counting the votes. And the one that I voted for representative and my friend had a draw/ tie. Then there, I was really feeling bad. When I voted my friend there’s no tie. In that case, her friends came along (room to room) asking, “Who are you going to vote if we’re going to vote again.” Most of my classmates are saying the family name of my friend’s opponent. In a low volume of my voice, I said my friend’s family name. Then one of my classmates heard me. And she told me, “Why are you going to vote her? She doesn’t deserve it. You need to vote for ***** (the family name of my friend’s opponent).” Then there I realized that I still need to vote for my friend, in case that we’re going to vote again. Then I said, “*****?!? (Out loud) She was asking if we are allowed to vote again, who we are going to vote. I need to vote for my friend (In a low volume of my voice.) ” Then, her friends kind of misinterpret what I said. They thought that I was going to vote for my friend’s opponent which made them feel so angry. Then they re- counted the votes and my friend won. I was happy for her. After that, I saw her. I came close to her then congratulated her. She said thank you but not sincerely. I was not feeling good about that. Then I saw her with her friends, I came close to them and congratulated her again. She said thank you again, but not in a normal way. They we’re not looking me directly, instead they’re looking in the other direction. Then I asked them, “Why are you looking sad?” Then they didn’t reply. I felt bad about it. Then I went to our classroom and told my classmates about it. Then, there I cried. One of my friend’s classmates came along with my classmate and saw me crying. She knows why I am crying. And she also knew the reason why my friend is avoiding me all along. She said that, “I heard them talking about you. How the two of you close to each other. Then I heard them saying that you we’re just voting for ***** because your crush voted for her.” Then I felt really angry in the same time bad. I said that, “I didn’t know his opinion in voting. And I don’t even care about his opinion. I had my own opinion! ” They (my classmates) comforted me all along and were saying that they’re going to revenge for me. But I said, “No. Just leave them alone. I’ll find a way to fix this.”
    To everyone who read this, please help me.
    Am I correct with my decision?
    What am I going to do to fix this?

  21. I'd rather not say says:

    I was best friends with this guy, we were the best of friends, but after a petty argument, which I have apologised for, he said sorry to, everything just is awkward and he knows it too. I think he knows it but is in the same situation I am, thinking he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I really don’t know what to do. Should we talk? This will be awkward and will probably not fix anything, as I have already tried. Should I just leave him?

    • Alex says:

      No. Arrange to do something fun that you used to enjoy, and see if that rekindles the old bond of comradery. It may help to do something with a group of mutual friends.

  22. rohit says:

    Hi irene, i had this group of friends with whom i was very close last year and we always held our each others backs. A few months ago one of the guy in the group ( he was not a permanent member, just a transient one) picked up a fight on me for no reason and since then has been hating me. His vicious poisoning seems to have spread everywhere and all of the other friends had since then started behaving indifferently towards me. He has since then become a permanent member of the group and the other members started developing aversion towards me. A while later i picked up a fight with another guy in the group but we later made up and we were fine. But since then everyone have been treating me as if they don’t know me and don’t invite me to parties and outings. They have been indirectly accusing me of being selfish and bitchy and claim i am nothing more than a problem in their life. Recently everyone in the group have been getting jobs and none of them have invited me to their parties. Although many i times i have felt it is time i forget these guys and move on with the other friends i have who have been really supportive of me in tough times. But i know deep down we still share the bond of friendship we once had as we had some really great moments i can never forget and the bond that we once had was unbreakable. I have tried to engage them in a meaningful conversation but it hasn’t been much of a success. I am torn over whether i should continue with my efforts to revive the friendship or give up as i will run into them every now and then for 1 year till we graduate next year. I tried speaking to the toxic guy( he was also a companion once) but his reasoning is filled too much with ego and emotions that it is futile to waste my time over him. In the group there are 2 people who were once my great friends and it pains my more about these 2 people than the others giving me indifference. Plesse suggest me a solution.

  23. secret says:

    question? if u and ur bff had a second misunderstanding the 1st one we ddnt talked for almost 4mos for some huge issue but suddenly i done something to fix things wth us and it turns out well… until today again we had a misunderstanding … came to a point that she said she dont want me to be her friend anymore… should i do something again like before? or better to let her go? for her having me its a huge responsability 🙁 im so upset!

    • Gouri Patgaonkar says:

      I can understant what u are feeling for your BFF, because i am also going from this phase…i will advice u to let her go, i know its very difficult& painful…But if she is really bff than she will be back very soon, just have some patience & give her some time & some space ok..

    • TARDIS says:

      What are these issues? If these misunderstandings keep happening, there may be something very wrong in your friendship. If she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. Ask why. If she doesn’t answer, leave her alone, give her and yourself time to think it over. If when you talk to her again and she tells you what’s wrong and then pushes you away. Let her be, cry, and let it out, get over it, find new friends. You will miss her. I’m in a situation that I hope to resolve very soon. And I’ve missed my bff for five months. I’ve given myself time, and her. I’m scared to find out what she says, but I can handle it ether way, and so can you. I may cry if she pushes me away, but she will be forever a part of my past. She will be your life lesson. Learn from her. She will help you realize who a friend really is, and who isn’t. I may not have helped, but I hope this girl knows what she may be ruining, a friendship is something precious.

    • lolumad? says:

      I’m scared for my friendship too! ME and my BFF are not talking and not doing anything about it, I’m going to write a letter, or I actually may see her in Oct. anyways, I miss her like heck, but if she said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore I would slap her then run away crying respecting her feelings. Try one more time, but if she shoves you aside. She isn’t your friend. If it doesn’t work out, learn from that jerk! Hope everything turns out okie though. I miss my bff, I think I’m a wimp, don’t be like me 🙂

  24. yaying zhao says:

    i have been friends with this guy for so long and we studiedly just stopped talking at the end of 5th grade and now and then on face book we would still say a few words to each other and would see each other when we go to our old elementary school. ive known him since i was 5 years old. he is the kind that is a class clown and really nice when u get to know him but sorta mean to others. during fifth grade we were the best of friends btw im a girl and he’s a guy. but then during the last month of school we started to stop talking in real life and in text because he found out about my crush on him added to the lack of physical contact. i really wish to repair this friendship. im meeting him tomorrow with my old friends so i hope i can gather up enough courage bye that time can you please give me some advice we are both in middle school right now

    • TARDIS says:

      I have a guy friends, one of them, has a crush on me. I didn’t care because he is my friend we have been since 2007. If he thinks being friends with you still because of a crush is weird and stupid, then let him be. You know if you’re in middle school, you’re both changing. He is starting to think of you as a girl. A girl with a crush. But you two are young. It’s most likely you two will not go past that friendzone line. If he doesn’t like how you feel even though it’s probably something you’ll just laugh at in the future, just leave him alone. Slip a note into his locker saying that you’re still his friend no matter what you feel. Crush or no crush, he’s your friend.

  25. Ram nirmal says:

    I had a best friend…. She is very sweet,childish, and insane for which i liked her….i wanted to be with her….all over her life as a best friend…but she had a boyfriend….he insisted me not to talk to her….bt i tried to speak to her….with the help of my another frnd who’s a girl…i thought that can resolve the problem…bt she being a **** played a double game with me and made our broken relationship even worser….now what should i do… Ican do anything for her…?????i care for her..a love for my friend….i want to talk with her, bt she’s avoiding me…what to do???? Plzz help me????

  26. Anonymous says:

    I am struggling with making a decison.i dated this guy once he broke up with me and it kiled me . I cant explain why he meant so much to me he just did and i could not get over him i struggled for 8 months trying to get over him,one day i told him all of the previous statements and i wanted to just get over him i didnt know why i couldnt.During those 8 months that i was struggling my best friend of three years was right by my side supporting me. Then one day i get a message saying i am talking to ***** and it has nothing to do with you & ######### ( i had started talking to someone she liked at one point the one i called #########,however she just liked him and i had truely loved the boy i suffered over) i was hurt not because of the boy, i was over him. I was just hurt that she would date someone that i suffered over and loved for so long but she was trying to make me feel bad for talking to someone she had liked while she was talking to my first love! she never said she was sorry but instead of getting mad when she told me she was talking to him i decided i would make the best of it because i love my best friend and i didnt want to lose our friendship. We double dated had fun for four mounths but she kept on doing mean things.She tried to call me out on something stupid to impress him mother. and basically she kept doing other disloyal things i had let all the things build up inside me and it hurt me so bad, i finally took up for my self and said i was done. we tried to talk twice but ended in conflict. Then one day we had a casual conversation as if we had never had any problems. I let my anger and hatred get the best of me later and started talking about her and how she had hurt me. I miss her so much its crazy i have had multiple dreams where she was still my best friend :””( we were so close and we lost it all we were eachothers BEST FRIEND we did everything togeher i miss her so much but i dont know what to do i feel like if i talk to her she would just use it against me like iv seen her do to others. I notice at times that now a days she is jealous of me and i feel like she would only feel jealous if she was hurt by me. I wonder if she would minipulate me if i tried to be friends with her,can she ever realize where she went wrong? I told her in one of out arguments once i felt like she had stopped caring about our friendship she said that wasnt it, she didnt see why i cared about my ex because him being her bf told her that his relationship wasnt that serious i told her. It may not have been serious to him but i didnt just make up my feelings for him and that i couldnt have just made up my feelings i didnt choose to hurt over him. Point blank i can let all of the past arguments go if she can but she hasnt said shes sorry… I just wonder if she misses our friendship the way i do, i want my best friend back and its killing me. I think about it every day. i think about her every day. i just dont know what to do,should i talk to her? or should i play it safe so i do not get hurt? my heart is hurting over this so bad. 3 years of memories is not something i can just let go of easily. When i was suffering over my ex i wrote him notes i told him how i felt i basically begged for him to give me something a reason for our breakup or some sort of relief from my heartache,He never wrote me back he never told me how he felt he would simply occasionally flirt with me but leave me hanging. He taught me not to open up to much im so afraid that if i talk to my best friend she will do me the same way she might just make fun of me with him, like i know they already do. i just need some help making a decision i miss her and i just need to know if talking to her is worth one more shot.

  27. Anonymous says:

    So I have an x-friend, she and I met at work, she was the temp, and I have a full time position there. Once her temp position was up, we still stayed in touch, over the phone, via facebook ect. Then in December of last year a position opened up, and I pushed for her to get the position. Success, she got the position and things couldnt be better…then two more positions opened up, and we got two more new people. everything seemed to be going great, but I was noticing that we were not talking too much outside of work. By July, she had unfriended me on Facebook, which I couldnt understand. Then we had a work event, and she wouldnt even talk to me. I couldnt understand what happened that she and I had drifted apart so quickly. Then in September she said something that hurt me so bad, that it still hutrs, especially since there was no real apology: she stated that she blamed me for having to do a training class on some new software at work, and stated that if she had doodled that she would have drawn a picture of me decapitated…I tried talking to her, but that just blew up in my face, she stated that I gave her silent treatments, and that I always tried to one-up her…I never gave her a silent treatment, and her one-uping (if I did do it) was not intentional, but the death comment was so uncalled for.

    Here is my dillema, we work together and in some ways I still want her to be my friend, I just cant seem to get past that comment. I have dealt with other friends going another way due to disagreements and fights, but none of them have ever wanted me dead. When I confronted her about the comment, she simply said it was a joke that went a little too far, like it was no big deal. Am I over-reacting, or am I trying to make her like me because I dont want her to think of me as dead? I dont know if it is worth mending the friendship, I just don’t know what to do?

  28. Anonymous says:

    Okay, so me and my ex best friend met thru my brother. She was completely different from me. She assumed things about me and I assumed things about her. But then we went to Job Corps together and got really close. Then got into a fight. We stopped talking for six months. During those six months I told her business to a mutual friend. I was angry and hurt and at the time I didn’t think we would ever talk again. So we start talking again. Everything was fine until the fall when the mutual friend told her everything I told her. And I felt so bad. She accepted my apology. I was never going to do it again. So we get into another argument and the guy she was speaking to writes TO ME on Facebook. He’s asking me questions about certain things and tells me that he knows what was going on. Since me and her weren’t friends all I said was “Find someone who appreciates everything you have to offer.” and I swear on my grandfather that was it. I also gave him my number in case he wanted to talk. Not because I wanted him. None of that. We soon stopped talking. Until this day she doesn’t believe me. When I really didn’t tell him anything. I wasn’t going to. But she doesn’t believe me. Then in June of 2012. Something happened. And it was major. She cried to me and told me everything. I cried with her. But it was a lot of stress for me. And we are each others best friends so I didn’t know how to handle it. So I told my brothers girlfriend cuz she was going thru the same exact thing. I just needed someone who wasn’t going to cry, someone who knows without judgement. I was so stressed out for my best friend. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to tell her business I really honestly changed from the first incident. So one day she texts me and says on ur birthday New Yrs I’m not going to NYC. And I’m like huh? So I wrote her a MSG and she stopped talking to me. Told me she couldn’t trust me. I violated the trust three times. When I really didn’t mean to the last time and the I didn’t tell that guy a thing!!!!!!! 🙁 I love her so much. She’s truly like my sister. She’s convinced she doesn’t know anything about me. But she knows everything. I just want her back in my life. She is my best friend. How do I fix this? Someone help me?!

  29. Anonymous says:

    The advice you give works. i lost my best friend due to stupidity and childishness. we didn’t speak to each other for a year, avoided each other during our whole matric year and it was hell. on the last day of matric i wrote her a letter apologizing and almost a month later she replied after my birthday. since we both finished school and entered the grown up life we’ve started talking again, but its still difficult cause she was my bets friend and i just want everything back to how it was, but thats a bit far fetched. she was like my sister and it’s so nice to have the courage to talk with her again and greet each other after all this time. Time heals all wounds and i believe that ONE DAY we will have the friendship we shared during high school.

  30. Anonymous says:

    We are male… bt one day we jst did sex and after that every thing was gud…bt later on i used to sex with him and he tries to stop… But i love him like best friend…. he now hates me and i am unable to concentrate on studies… I care about him a lot… what to do now…plz suggest i dont want to lose my friend…

  31. Anonymous says:

    ive knowwn this girl since nurssery and we have been friend for 7 years. she started hanging around with the popular group in my school and we are no longer best friends anymore. dont know how that happened but affter trying to mend up with her it didnt work. me and her and three other girls were really close best friends. she is now with the populars. another migrrated to canada and the other twwo dont share homeeroom with me any more so they seemed to have moved on…its been three years since ive been seperated from all of them.andd on the first year i had absolutaly no friends,i was one of those shy-sit-in-a-corner girls.and no one toook notice of me.i wass soo quiet that year (grade 7) that i felt as if i just turned into some other personee..coz im usually very loud and out going.and then the next year in grade eight second semester i started talking to this girl in class. she and me have this obssesion for this anime called Naruto soo we usually find ourselves talking about it.the more we spoke the more timee we spent together and the more we hung out.she was one of the talkative girls in class and she slowly got me back to my loud talkative hyper random self.along the way i made three more new friends whom i love uncondittionally. they are like sisters to me. but now in ninth grade she has started to distance her self away from us and she speaks less to us she doesnt say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ or anything when we say so to her. she stll hangs around us. but what she said today rreally came crashing down on me. she said we werent friends anymore. i was just soo mixed up with sadness and anger at the same time i mean..i deserve the rright to know why she said we arent friends. i asked her and she said ‘just coz i row with you doent mean that im friends with with you’ she didnt say that to only me but she meant the others too…memories of my childhood friendship of my 1st bff just came crashing down on to me. i dont know why shes acting this way..what should i do?

  32. Anonymous says:

    so my best friend was in love with me & I didn’t know about it. so I went to this huge party & hooked up with this girl. & my best friend’s friend from school was there & told my best friend everything tht happened… how can this be fixed?
    (please help. I’ve known her for 13 years & I can’t lose her)

  33. Anonymous says:

    [Comment deleted at request of poster]

  34. Anonymous says:

    when i was new my friends fighting with me in st joseph’ s training centre but is hard for me beacuse my best friend passed away died in hospital it’s hard fro me to make freinds with jenny Keavnneey and Lorrnae Hession jenny cox there awalys fighting with me and I am really upset about that pine and when I was new in sos i got emtinally beause I was falling in love with matthew Patrick brennan and I can’t stop lovering him and i have a curah on him i really in love and fancy him

  35. Anonymous says:

    I have been friends with this white guy.but all of a sudden he went mute. I tried to ask why he went quite and all he said was “im busy with work”.i then decided to ask him if he was not comfortable being friends with a black poor girl like me. I know I never meant to writde that.and now I feel nothing at this stage can be fixed. Please help.

  36. Anonymous says:

    My friend and I are constantly fighting for no reason. She gets jelly when I talk with my mother besties and says “Ooo having fun with ur new best friend!?” And ignores me for the rest of the day. I dont know what to do anymore i have 1 friend, (other bestie) but shes slowly giving into my other friend =((((((((((((((((((((((

    Gosh I feel like crying now ):

  37. Anonymous says:

    M facing a similar situation.

    we r best friends since 3yrs now. in feb suddenly she stopped talkin.we just had a small fight as in regular nothing serious. wen i asked she said she doesnt want to talk anything fr now.she doesnt respond to me. i said ok take ur time. but its been 2 months now she still doesnt want to talk.and its only with me. I even sent her an amazing greeting on her bday wich i made but she didnt respond to that..shes enjoying college n stuff with other friends frm our grp.N m left out frm the grp and the fun.i kno i havent done any wrong with her. our mutual friends too tried to talk but she didnt tel them anything. I atleast deserve a reason fr her such behaviour. it hasnt happend b4. i dont kno how to handle the situation now.she a very dear friend.

    i dont want to ruin this amazing friendship with her.i share my whole life with her and she too has..she a very close friend.

  38. Anonymous says:

    hi, i just want a good advice. i am a loner person which i remembered that my last bestfriend was wayback my 2nd grade. I am now a sophomore college student, I got very mad at my male friend because he always tell stories about his girl whom she is dating with. I also get irritated because anytime we meet, he always tell that story.
    What I am really up to is that he tell to other people that we are bestfriends. Well, in fact, i dont really feel we are. I just want to ask whether will i stay connected with him or not anymore? Will i stick on to be alone again? I am really preoccupied because i am not good with it. Please sugggest me. I wanted to be friends to him even more but it seems like I am being taken for granted… Please help me…T.T

  39. Anonymous says:

    If i haven’t reached you too late. Can I ask, what is it that you said? With more insight one can properly suggest the best step.

  40. Anonymous says:

    i used to be bffs with a boy and we used to alway joke around each other, prank each other, text to each other, laughing etc. One day, i made a dumb mistake which i wish it could be fixed so i keep sending messages on his facebook but he never replied. Its been 9 days now and he hasnt forgiven me, in fact he was happy and moving on which really kills me that we dont talk anymore. Now I’m depressed, trying to get over a friendship that has me and him departing all because i said something that just hurted him. I said my sorrys. What should I do?

    • yaying zhao says:

      my situation is almost just like that just try to develop friendship slowly again i tied that and it kind of worked but it was on facebook since we barely see each other cause we are now in different schools

    • Tia says:

      I’m in this exact same situation, except.. it happened jusst about 1-2 hours ago and it kills me that he said he wanted to forget about me and when he said that I was was like holy *** but instead of saying something bad, I did something bad, he did it back to me, i didnt care, but he took it to the next level and then i told a friend about it and they did not help, they just made it worse 🙁

  41. Anonymous says:

    But…did you apologize? As in say, “I’m sorry I ignored you, and then ignored that I said something really mean.”? Everything you’ve written here has something to do with YOU. You don’t want her to hate YOU. YOU missed her. What about HER? I’d suggest giving her some space, and then sincerely apologize ONCE without using yourself as the yardstick.

  42. Anonymous says:

    My friend and I got into a fight and I ignored her texts during the entire summer, then when school started again she asked me why I was mad at her and I said I didn’t want to be friends anymore. A few days after, I really regretted it, and so I started talking to her again and pretended that nothing had ever went wrong. At first it was fine and then one day she texted me and asked why I was acting all “buddy-buddy” with her. And I told her that it was because I missed her and didn’t want her to hate me. Then she got really defensive and was like look you are the one who broke of the friendship in the first place so don’t try to nail it on me. And I was like do you still want to be friends? and she was like whatever bye. what do I do???????????

  43. Irene says:

    Writer your friend a snail mail letter now (or whenever you feel up to it) but don’t mail it. Tell her that you were really off-base and apologize.


    Pick it up and read it again one week after you’ve written it and see if you need to edit it. Then put it in the maii and send it to her.


    The ball will be in her court. Let us know what happenss.








  44. Anonymous says:

    Hi i’ve really hurt my female friend she confides in me with a lot in her life and I do with her to but I recently had an argument with her and said some bad things that hit every nerve in her about things in her life that aren’t going well. I feel like Ive let her down. Now she doesn’t want to talk to me and I feel like I’ve lost her forever. She says she needs time to heal but i made it worse by repeatedly apologizing by text message. How much time should i give her before I try to mend us. I have know her for 5yrs and we’ve had fights before but this one was bad. I feel so down about the things I said to her especially as she is on antidepressants. Please help.

  45. Xavier says:

    Great post! The difficulty with forgiving someone is so hard, but there seems to be peace. I really enjoy your insight on this. I’d love to read more on this topic.

    I recently stumbled upon another blog like I stumbled upon yours and I really appreciated their insihgt. I thought you might enjoy it: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/forgiveness/

    I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!

  46. Irene says:

    Thanks for your post! Tell us if you make any progress 🙂



  47. Irene says:

    Can you throw yourself a goodbye tea? dessert party? It would be nice for you to be able to say goodbye to everyone.

    Moving is so stressful so don’t fret too much if you can’t make it work. Remember that you’ll be making new friends at the other end of the move and will find ways to stay in contact with those you left behind!

    Good luck with the move!




  48. M says:

    I’ve realized that moving from high school to college, and from college to the rest of your life, it’s hard to get friends to stay close to you. I’m one of those people that always had the same core group of girls as my best friends since I was 16, but now it’s hard to get any of them to return my calls. I’m moving in a few weeks and it’s heart breaking to not have closure, but your suggestion of just taking a break might be the best thing I’ve heard in a while. Thank you.

  49. Anonymous says:

    Thank you, Dr. Friendship — I never really thought about mending — I just gave up. Now you’ve arms me with new possibilities for a friendship that has gone AWOL. I am going to try your wise suggestions.

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