14-year-old student in a small school has trouble finding friends

Being a student in a small school can poses challenges to making friends.

QUESTION

Hi,

Sometimes, being I am 14 years old and, at the moment, am struggling socially. My school is quite small and there are about 60 girls in my year. The problem is, I find it somewhat difficult to relate to these girls as we don’t have many common interests and they often insult our teachers and fellow students.

Sadly, this is not just one group. My problem this year is that I have found girls to be very exclusive – every few weeks now I sit with another group of people because the groups start to ignore me. It’s hard for me to hope that I can find friends now. I feel like a social pariah.

However I would not say that I am miserable, exactly, more discontent. I have good grades, I work hard, and I want to help people. But I know that girls my age are supposed to have friends, and it’s quite abnormal not to go out. The few friends that I do have in school have their own friend groups and I feel as though they are drifting away from me.

My biggest worry is that my parents try to solve my problems. I don’t want them to worry about me. I have considered moving schools, but I don’t want to ask them for anything. I know that they already suspect something is wrong, but I wish I could just put their minds at rest and maybe find myself friends too.

Please respond soon, I don’t know what to do.

Signed, Worry Worm

ANSWER

Dear Worry Worm,

I’m so sorry you’re having trouble finding your “people” in school. You’re right that smaller schools and smaller classes offer fewer opportunities to meet girls who share the same interests and values. High school can be particularly cliquish.

You express yourself quite eloquently and show a great deal of thoughtfulness and insight, and I bet you’re more mature than many of your peers. You’re probably not the only girl in your class who feels like you do.

Sports, clubs and extracurricular activities are great avenues for meeting others who share your interests. High schoolers often attend sports games on weekends, so if you’re interested, you could attend and ask to sit with students you know.

I understand that you want independence from your parents and that you want to solve your own problems without their input. But It’s normal, too, for parents to be concerned and to want to help if they can. I don’t know your parents or your relationship with them. Would they respect your wishes if you told them you didn’t want them to worry or try to fix things for you? Would you be comfortable speaking with your school counselor about your concerns? She might know of other students in your situation.

Switching to a larger school might be an option, though if you do, you should have a plan of how you will deal with cliques in that school. You will have more opportunities to socialize and engage in school activities in a bigger school, but that’s not a guarantee you’ll feel like you fit in any better.

I’m not trying to dissuade you from choosing a larger school, I only want you to think about all your options and to talk face to face with an adult (and your parents) so you can weigh the pros and cons of figuring new strategies at your school versus making a change.

Based on your letter and the way you present yourself and your circumstances, I have a feeling you will find a satisfying solution.

Signed, *Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

Tags: 14-years-old, cliques, no friends, small classes, small school

Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS, Teen friendships